if i may say one thing about in-community tumblr aspec discourse. I think We As A Broad Community have a real tendency to get tunnel vision and severely over-estimate how good groups just adjacent to our own groups have it. on a pretty regular rotation I'll see waves of posts on the varying themes of "sex-favorable asexuals are completely palatable and accepted now" "everyone's on board with asexuals and aroaces but no one can stand the idea of aroallos" "ace people are accepted just fine as long as they're 100% virginal and sex-repulsed but god forbid you have a more complex relationship with sex" "everyone loves aro activism but start saying asexual talking points and they get scared" and, comrades, none of this is the case. there is no variety of acespec or arospec person who does not experience massive barriers to even basic self-expression, and this is only somewhat better in queer-majority social spaces. certain friend circles may individually be chiller about some kinds of aspecs but this does not mean that ex. "asexual perverts are too normalized," aphobia towards all aspecs is still the norm. let us not forget that We Live In A Society.
I think if you want to understand bigotry against aromantics, I have a good case study. Let me talk a little about my dad's family.
My dad has 4 half siblings and two step siblings. They're all a decent bit younger than him. When I was a teenager, we went to a family reunion, and I realized something—my dad did not respect his siblings. He looked down on all of them. He saw them as fuck-ups and overgrown children. My dad had the American dream: well paying management job, suburban house, wife, and three kids. My aunt and uncles did not. Excluding my aunt, none of them were married or in serious relationships. They hadn't really settled into long term careers. Several of them were working the kind of jobs that get called "Unskilled labor." So he looked down on them because the youngest one was in his thirties (and several were much older), and yet none of them had "settled down" into what he saw as lifelong, permanent careers and relationships and lives. He was polite to their faces, sure, but I heard how he talked about them behind their backs, to my mother.
And then a few years ago, we visited his brothers again for Thanksgiving. And I realized something again--he respected them now. He saw them as equals. Why? Well. All of a sudden, every single one of them had serious, committed romantic partners. They didn't even need to still be with those partners—one of my uncle's fiance passed away from cancer before they could marry—just having had one showed that they matured into a real adult participating in society. In fact, at one point, my aunt was telling my mom about how one of my uncles was no longer living in an apartment she owned, but instead, after having a steady girlfriend for about a year, he moved in with her. And my mom literally said to my aunt, "wow. Look at that. He finally grew up."
One of the lines that frequently gets repeated about anti-aspec sentiment is "why would anyone hate asexuals/aromantics/etc? They aren't even doing anything." And that's exactly it. In the eyes of amatonormative culture, we aren't doing anything. Adults are supposed to do things. That's how you become a member of society.
I know that my father will never see me as a successful adult. He will never approve of my life. And I think most people would assume that that's because I'm trans. And don't get me wrong, he sure as shit doesn't like or respect that, but I do think if given enough time, he would get used to it. He would eventually realize that it isn't going away. And if I settled down with a spouse and a respectful job and a few kids, he could see me as a successful adult that he could be proud of anyway. But of course, that's not going to happen. Because I'm aromantic. So I'm never going to do that one thing that signifies that his job is complete, and I'm officially a full-fledged adult. I will perpetually be that fuck-up kid who won't settle down. In my personal case, that's okay. My dad is a conservative piece of shit, and if he doesn't approve of you, that just means you're doing something right. But on a societal level? This kind of attitude is a massive problem. Aromantics deserve to be treated like adults, and to feel like the accomplished adults that they are. We should feel like we belong in society.
So we begin! Since I was asked (years ago atp) this question about the intersection of my identity as Chinese Diaspora with my orientation, I realized there was a LOT going on there - and as a person who loves to think too much about aromanticism 🐸🐸🐸 I’ve been really excited about sharing this series!!!
But yeah, I did want to say I recognize that there are weird undertones to some of my parents behaviours - even if I would be considered lucky for not having harsh “tiger” parents 😅 Please don’t take this portrayal as me saying I think this is better, or the comments on slide 5 are okay … this is just the reality of my life, it did shape my relationship with my culture, **and I want to depict it as honestly as possible 🤷🏻
To end off on a lighter (?) note: Yes, the Updates being alluded to previously. I am not actually a girl sorry about that y’all. I will talk more about this once I’m done posting this batch of comics but for the time being just go with whatever’s in my bio, don’t worry about it 😉
I’m curious, for all my other aro folk (and I guess not aro queer people if you’re reading this?) how do you feel your cultural background intersected with your identity, if at all?
[Image Descriptions:
Cover: An image of Celia, wearing a rich teal-green Qi Pao dress with golden yellow accents. Her hair is held in a half up style, with a traditional chinese hairpin featuring an orange chrysanthemum pinned in her ponytail. She is also wearing jade earrings and has a warm red ochre eyeliner, and a white ring on her right middle finger.
She holds a red and yellow fan up to her chest as she stands diagonally on an angle on the cover. Bold red lettering falls on either side of her body in both English and Chinese. One side says “Chinese” in both languages, while the other says “Canadian”. The entire cover is framed within golden Chinese style decorative borders.
Slide 1: Celia speaks directly to the reader, “I put, in my very first comic, that I am Chinese Canadian, on top of being gray-aromantic and a girl.”
There is an asterisk next to the word girl. A small note in the corner reads: “So … funny story I’m not a girl actually but my point still stands.”
Slide 2: A split panel shows her looking off to the side, then back up to the reader as she continues speaking.
“I don’t know what everyone else thinks when they read those two words together - and to be honest, I don’t know what I think when I remember I’m Chinese, either.”
Slide 3: “The thing is, I’m not really that connected to Chinese culture (or even share a similar experience to other descendants of Chinese immigrants in North America).”
She sits on the floor, surrounded by a plethora of culturally relevant objects from her childhood. These include the following:
A calendar with an illustration of a rabbit in a traditional art style, representative of the Chinese Zodiac calendars often given out at Lunar New Year at Chinese grocery stores.
A bottle of “Florida Water” cologne, tiger balm, and eagle oil
A clay pot and rabbit sculpture
A comb, a traditional Qi Pao, and vintage purses
A Chinese calligraphy practice sheet, ink block, and brush
Slide 4: “My mother had always hated Chinese culture (due to the fact she was bullied a lot for being outspoken and independent when she grew up), so she kept me away from it as a child.”
The shot switches to a scene from Celia’s childhood. A young version of Celia is guided by her mother (whose face is not visible in the panel) away from a group of people talking in front of a chalkboard at Chinese school.
She says to her child: “They’re judgemental, shallow, and will stab you in the back in the nastiest way possible - I’m doing you a favour here.”
Slide 5: A continued montage of scenes from childhood split into multiple panels.
The first panel’s narration says: “My parents don’t have a lot of expectations for me, they definitely never cared if I did well in school. “
The scene shows the child version of Celia holding a report card to her parents. She says ‘I got mostly A’s and B’s but I only got a C in Social Studies’. Her mom looks vaguely unimpressed, and says ‘Cool, thanks for telling us. That’s okay, but you could do better … pay more attention in class next time.’ Her dad just says ‘eh’.
The second panel’s narration says: “They never forced me to do any extracurriculars or sports.”
The scene shows Celia reading on the bed. Off screen, a parent says ‘you really should participate in more activities, it doesn’t even have to be sports’. She says ‘I don’t want to’, and the parent just responds ‘ok, if you absolutely won’t …”
The third panel’s narration says “They never wanted to show off my achievements either.”
The scene shows a teen version of Celia holding up a card, saying ‘Mama, baba, I have a 95 average! And I’m the head of [redacted] now!]. A parent off screen responds ‘That’s a lot, we wish you wouldn’t push yourself this much’, to which they reply ‘oh…’
Slide 6: The shot jumps back to the current Celia, who is speaking at the reader again with an incredulous expression. She says, “They even strongly encouraged me to find a boyfriend in highschool for, and I quote, ‘experience’,” while making air quotes with her hands.
Slide 7: Celia continues, holding a finger up to her face while she ponders.
“So when asked to cover “Traditional Asian Thoughts” and how they affected my identity … I almost wanted to say I’m not qualified to talk about it.”
Slide 8: She says, “But after thinking about it some more, I realized that even though I personally haven’t been subjected to a lot of the stereotypical traditional East Asian beliefs from my family or community -”
An asterisk is put next to the “East Asian Beliefs”. A small note in the corner reads “To clarify, I’m not even 100% sure if I know what they exactly are. I’m really removed from East Asian diaspora culture and I don’t have many East Asian friends who are actually in touch with their culture.”
Slide 9: “It still affects how other people see me, and by extension, my aromanticism.”
An abstracted scene of Celia from the behind shows her staring out at a sea of blank faces staring back downwards at her. ]
They're in love, now! Look, they're holding hands.
Are you satisfied yet?
Look here! They're kissing, Couples love to do that!
Are you satisfied yet?
Ooh, look, they're getting up to mischief, look at here!
Are you satisfied yet?
Aww, they're on a cute cafe date!
Are you satisfied yet?
I cleaned them up for you, smoothed them out.
Are you satisfied yet?
Look, they're proposing! How cute!
Are you satisfied yet?
They're introducing her to their parents!
Are you satisfied yet?
They're getting married, soon.
Are you satisfied yet?
They'll be together forever!
Are you satisfied yet?
She'll belong to them, always.
Are you satisfied yet?
She won't fight back.
Are you satisfied yet?
They're getting married, and everyone is here!
Are you satisfied yet?
Look, it's their honeymoon!
Are you satisfied yet?
They're so happy! They're so happy!
Are you satisfied yet? Are you?
They're having kids, now! They look just like their parents. They're so happy.
Are you satisfied yet?
They'll grow old together.
Are you satisfied yet?
Together.
Are you satisfied yet?
Are you satisfied yet?
Are you satisfied yet?
Are you satisfied yet?
Are you satisfied yet?
Are you satisfied yet?
Go and think about what kinds of relationships you want. Don't think about labels like romantic or platonic or sexual, think purely about what relationships would make you happiest.
When I realized I was aromantic, I was asked things like "Would you still date? Would you have a QPR? Will you ever kiss?"
But the aromantic community didn't ask that. Instead, they focused on "What do you want in a world where anything is possible?"
And I realized I want to be alone, surrounded by friends and family I love who are close enough, I can bring them fresh baked scones when I overbake.
They asked me "What do you want?" and the question was so broad, I could weigh labels in my hand like queerplatonic partner and nonpartnering and significant other. I could look at these and shrug and say, "What I want is to not worry about questions I don't care about." I could shelve these indefinitely. Maybe even forever. And just enjoy being myself.
The aromantic community celebrates exploration. Tells people asking if they are aromantic, "This is a personal decision. Your personal decision. If this label helps you, take it. If this community helps you, stay as long as you need. You don't have to be labelled anything, aromantic or otherwise, unless it would bring you comfort. You don't have to be anything you aren't."
It's a good community with good philosophies born from a unique experience, not rooted in missing out, but in being forced to consider what you want when you don't want what's expected.
I so so so hate the "soulmate" trope where "everyone has a soulmate." And, no, people going "oh look at these friends who are soulmates! I'm so inclusive to aspecs!" just. Do. Not. Get it. And they won't! They don't get that the issue isn't the romance or whatever of soulmates, it's the implication that everyone must partner up, even if it's with a qpp or friend or whatever. Nope! I'm not partnering! I don't care for your amatonormativity! And yes you "replacing" romance with a friend or qpp is still amatonormativity because I don't trust that you don't see those as Romance Lite(tm) in this context! And I bitterly resent the implication that I am fundamentally less human--literally missing part of my soul--because I don't want a partner. So yeah culturally it is soooo time to get over fucking "soulmates."
As always, begging people to learn that aromanticism is not inherently the "loving your friends sooooo much" identity. Aplatonic aromantics exist! I don't want anyone to be inextricably a part of my life forever, thank you very much, and I'm not any less human for it.
its also weird bc it implies monogamy in some way.
but particularly regarding aspec identities, our perspectives and needs: it very clearly establishes relationship hierarchies. it centers the one soulmate as the one and only partner regardless of the type of relationship. that is fundamentally against aspec and particularly aromantic needs, because it is often this particular status that defines the relationship more than any of its contents. qprs are not necessarily defined by containing less intimacy than romantic ones (tho they often might), but the fact that the relationship itself demands to be understood differently. if you define it as Romance Lite that defeats the point. it is neither romance nor lite.
at the same time soulmate narratives also pair people in rigid ways which goes against relationship anarchy bc you cant weigh different relationships against each other like that. apart from the fact that two people in any relationship cannot possibly feel the exact same way about each other, by pairing people so definitely it also creates a certain segregation between aspecs and allos which denies them compassion for each other and capacity to approach each other by implying that there is one particular person who already perfectly fulfills all your needs.
or DID you consider what a "soulmate" relationship between an aroace and an allo person looks like?
there should be more romance repulsed characters. there should be more aro characters in general but i deserve characters who would rather throw themselves off a skyscraper than be in a romantic relationship
listen, sometimes it's more powerful for a fictional relationship to be a friendship precisely because friendship is devalued in comparison to romance. anyone can sacrifice themself for the love of their life. but for a friend? if anything, that kind of devotion can be even more moving than if the relationship is romantic. there's a real dramatic power to prioritising friendship in your narratives sometimes.
This is probably just arospec cope but I sincerely believe that that last scene would have been just as effective without Helly, if not even more so (if just in a different way).
Like yeah, Gemma seeing Mark suddenly abandon here for some woman she’s never seen before is high melodrama and all, but consider: Gemma looks back, disoriented and confused about why he’s still on the other side of the door, and he looks at her blankly for a few moments, considering, before simply walking/running back into the darkness from whence he came. End scene.
I’m not even posing this as an alternative to canon Markhelly, not at all. He’d still be considering her, it just wouldn’t be spelled out to the audience so incredibly obviously. Plus this way they don’t have to explain why she’s suddenly all the way over at the stairwell for no apparent reason. Also it serves to emphasize how wanting to be with Helly isn’t the only reason he’s not going with Gemma, he’s doing it for himself too, not to mention the other innies. I also just think it’d be really atmospheric and I love that shit.
That’s actually so frustrating, they were so fucking close! Them just adding Helly in for The Spectacle™ essentially confirms my point in the original post’s tags about Helly just being a prop in that scene (which is more than a little emblematic of how she’s been handled this season but that’s a conversation for another day).
The arospec community has not forgiven Zoolander for his crimes.
"Aro/Ace person gets given a love potion" story but instead of them being immune or whatever, it DOES work, and they realize IMMEDIATELY that they've been fed a love potion because this feeling is so wrong and foreign but everyone keeps laughing off the idea of it being a love potion because "they were probably just a late bloomer" or "no, you just finally found the right person!" and it's just a horror story about how no one believes them even though they know, they KNOW this isn't right and they can't stand it.
All the people who keep saying “or, consider, they just suddenly really love their family/friends/pets/hobbies/etc!” in the notes 1) are missing the fucking point and 2) owe a loveless aro ten bucks
It's about the feeling of something foreign invading your body and your mind. It's about finding yourself inexplicably obsessed with something that's completely out of character for you. It's about feeling like you've been body snatched and absolutely nobody around you is clocking the imposter. It's about being forced to confront how there isn't anyone around you who would even be worth loving, because if they were then they'd be trying to help you when you say you need help, for no other reason than that you have said it.
WAIT. there's TWO important things that are happening on june 5th. you know what this has to mean
[ID: screenshots of the Deltarune release date, which is June 5th, and of the Aromantic Visibility Day date, which is also June 5th. Below is an edit of the "Sasuke Has Become Catholic" meme that now reads: "Deltarune Has Become Aromantic," with a picture of Kris in front of the aro flag, making a peace sign. End ID.]
This post is combining global Indigenous identities, not soley North American!
Elatsoe - YA fantasy / Lipan Apache / aro-coded ace MC
A Snake Falls To Earth - YA fantasy / Lipan Apache / ace MC
The Summer of Bitter and Sweet - YA contemporary / Indigenous Canadian/Métis / demisexual MC
The Witch King - YA fantasy / Seminole / demisexual LI, ace SC
Godly Heathens - YA fantasy / Seminole / demiromantic MC
Màgòdiz - dystopian/fantasy / I believe the author identifies as 'having Mi'kmaq/Anishinabe heritage while not being registered' / an aroace MC
Muneera and the Moon - folktale anthology / Palestinian / some with ace characters or queerplatonic themes (author also has lots of other short fiction!)
throughout the month of june, but especially today, on international pride day, "love is love" is being slapped everywhere. and while thats an important part of pride and we do fight for equality, seeing the queer movement being boiled down to that always hurts me. as a trans person (and also as someone on the aromantic spectrum), every single "love brings us all together!" and "everyone has the right to love!" feels more and more like a slap in the face.
every day, there's more anti trans legislation. more transgender, especially trans women and transfeminine people of color, are murdered. more trans men commit suicide. this cant be solved with love by itself.
every day, the societal gender norms are shoved down the throats of nonbinary, genderqueer, and gender nonconforming people. these people constantly suffer with not only microaggressions that discredit and invalidate their identities, their non-traditional pronouns, their expressions, but also with actual violent acts just because they dare to exist. and i won't even go into talking about the violence that intersex children are subjected to and how these bodies are made invisible. what does all this have to do with the "right to love"?
if this kind of question has never crossed your mind, i hope you take this post as an invitation to re-evaluate your role as an ally to queer people whose identity is NOT just about their relationships and who they are attracted to, romantically or sexually. what do you do to help the fight this huge part of the community?
not everything can be solved with a rainbow flag emoji.
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