He aro on my mantic till I journal

adult years old, he/him pronouns. I post about being aromantic and asexual as well as being in a QPR

[aromantic-diaries]

Bit of clarification for how I talk on this blog:

When I use the word aro/ace I mean "aromantic and/or asexual" with massive emphasis on the or. For a while now I have been very vocal about disliking the use of the word aroace as an umbrella term, because that word specifically means "aromantic and asexual" and this usage has specifically excluded aromantic people who aren't asexual. People seem to be able to say ace when they mean asexual but tend to say aroace when they mean aromantic, and I want to make sure that I don't exclude an entire part of the aro community, but I also don't want to make my posts too wordy by typing it all out, hence my use of the slash.

This is for when I'm talking about something that applies to both. When it's just one, I specify which one I'm talking about.

[aromantic-diaries]

What you gotta understand about the aro/ace nonhuman trope is that the problem isn't making a nonhuman character that is aro/ace it's when their aromanticism/asexuality are directly tied to them not being human. Aro/ace character that belongs to an alien race that reproduces sexually and it's this specific character who's aro/ace? That's fine. Token aro/ace character who's only aro/ace because they're a robot? I'm going to kill you one million times.

[aromantic-diaries]

Looking back the reason why pretty much all of our friends assumed that me and my now queerplatonic partner were dating back when we were the most conventional type of best friends and didn't act remotely as gay as we do now wasn't because you can't even be friends anymore, but because I was previously the most distant and stoic person imaginable so they had never seen me be this affectionate with anyone and that makes the assumption that I was head over heels in love a far more reasonable wrong conclusion to come to. My love language at the time was Not Ignoring People, this much hugging was out of character.

[aromantic-diaries]

I don't think aromantic people give the best relationship advice cause it's simply easier to feel like you can give good advice on situations you're not in. But I am partnered and in a healthy relationship so I CAN give good advice. Don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It's better to wait until you find someone you're compatible with and actually love as a person because being in a relationship goes on beyond the oooh we like each other we should hold hands phase.

[aromantic-diaries]

Another important thing is that you must not play mind games if you want a long-term relationship and you want it to be happy.

[aromantic-diaries]

The reason why I really hate the allegory that's like "imagine sex is like food and asexuality is like never feeling hungry" to explain the repulsed-indifferent-favorable scale isn't just because it doesn't explain anything and just replaces one thing with another thing, but because that's just such an inefficient allegory to begin with. The whole point of using allegories is to explain a foreign concept by comparing it to something familiar. Comparing asexuality to never feeling hunger is a bad allegory, everyone feels hunger and everyone needs food. Not only are you not explaining shit, you're creating a completely unrealistic hypothetical.

[aromantic-diaries]

While I was responding to a comment I randomly remembered when a couple of years ago someone anonymously told me that the way I talk on this blog sounds kind of corporate with how I use formal punctuation or something like that. I find that really funny because I was a scruffy 17-18 year old at the time, the reason I was typing like I was CEO of Aromantic Incorporated was because I took the C1 English language exam and the advanced English final exam roughly around the same time and preparing for those involved learning how to write formal letters so I was responding to asks as if I was being graded on writing an essay where I had to reply to Jennifer's blog post asking if she might be aromantic.

[aromantic-diaries]

I reject the idea that being aromantic is fundamentally different from being alloromantic, or that either of these ways of being is superior to the other. If you're just figuring out that you're aromantic, please don't fall into believing that you'll always be an outsider or that you cannot relate to anyone who isn't exactly like you.

The more time I spend in the aromantic community that we have here on tumblr while simultaneously getting out there and interacting with the real world, the more I realise just how much of an echochamber this place is. When I was 17 and had just figured myself out, it felt like I would always be the odd one out, that I could never be important to anyone, that I would always be alone. That's not true. Aromanticism will not doom you to being left behind. People will care about you, they will like you, they will want you around, but you have to make the effort to reach out to them. There's so much more to people than the obsession with romance, and people who are in healthy, normal relationships will not abandon their friends. Alloromantic people are not a different species from you, they might not understand everything about you just as you might not understand everything about them, but they're not your enemies.

Please, don't build your sense of self around the absence of romance. It's comforting at first, but it won't make you happy for long before it makes you empty. Connecting with people is difficult, and aromanticism doesn't make it any easier, but it is not impossible, and it is absolutely worth the effort it takes. People will understand you outside of the little aromantic bubble on tumblr. You are not doomed.

[aromantic-diaries]

How life feels after you stop giving a shit about people shipping aro/ace characters

[aromantic-diaries]

I don't think aromantic people give the best relationship advice cause it's simply easier to feel like you can give good advice on situations you're not in. But I am partnered and in a healthy relationship so I CAN give good advice. Don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It's better to wait until you find someone you're compatible with and actually love as a person because being in a relationship goes on beyond the oooh we like each other we should hold hands phase.

[aromantic-diaries]

I've stopped trying to explain what exactly a QPR is to people because there is no set definition and resorted to explaining my own relationship as being a friendship with a similar structure and social role as a romantic relationship but no romantic feelings. They tend to understand that one a bit better and doesn't make them go "but that's just called having a best friend"

[aromantic-diaries]

I think this one works because I'm just explaining what my relationship is as a unit rather than going into the weird indescribable emotions it's built upon. Also since QPRs can be anything, it's easier to just explain what mine is rather than trying to define something that is different for everyone.

[aromantic-diaries]

I've stopped trying to explain what exactly a QPR is to people because there is no set definition and resorted to explaining my own relationship as being a friendship with a similar structure and social role as a romantic relationship but no romantic feelings. They tend to understand that one a bit better and doesn't make them go "but that's just called having a best friend"

[black-ace-culture-is]

Shoutout to Black aces who don't feel safe in the ace community anymore. Shoutout to Black American aces who have to deal with their culture being attacked all the time and told hip hop and rap are gross and sex obsessed. Shoutout to non-American Black aces and how people don't think we exist. Shoutout to Black ace women and how the 'asexual women are seen as pure' narrative leaves us out. Shoutout to Black ace men who are never included in discussions about men's asexuality despite people claiming asexual men get left out. Shoutout to Black non-binary and trans aces who can't fit into the white cis female v white cis male binary and its stereotypes. Shoutout to Black non-SAM aces and aroaces who are spoken over by white aspecs. Shoutout to Black alloaces and how we're spoken over by white aspecs. Shoutout to sex favourable Black aces who are conviently never defended pro-sex favourable ace posts even though you experience a worse kind of puritanism on top of antiblackness and how that can come from white sex repulsed aces. Shoutout to Black sex indifferent/neutral aces and how white sex repulsed aces always assume we're sex favourable and sex favourable white aces always assume we're sex repulsed. Shoutout to Black sex repulsed aces who are spoken over by white sex favourable aces who don't understand how antiblackness affects the compulsory sexuality you experience. Shoutout to Black aces who are tired fr. You're not alone.

[aromantic-diaries]

Why do so many positivity posts for sex-repulsed ace people have to start by going "there's just too much positivity for the freaky horny pervert asexuals" can you just make the positivity post without complaining about other posts? Please.

[aromantic-diaries]

Nobody is trying to push you out of the community by welcoming the hornier side of the ace spectrum. You're still the "default". The average person thinks asexuality is sex-repulsion. You can survive a few "shoutout to freaky asexuals" posts.

[aromantic-diaries]

Why do so many positivity posts for sex-repulsed ace people have to start by going "there's just too much positivity for the freaky horny pervert asexuals" can you just make the positivity post without complaining about other posts? Please.

[sex-favorable-aces]

Okay, I finally decided to take this asexuality quiz that has been so popular in the ace tag, mostly because I suspected it was going to be...bad...and it was exactly what I suspected.

So for starters, here's my results and an explanation of each area so we can all be on the same reference page:

I'm going to address these points in order, for the sake of clarity:

Lack of sexual attraction. Literally the only actual defining point of asexuality, and even that is a spectrum under the asexual umbrella. And yet, not only is the vast majority of the spectrum just outright omitted, but the examples given have nothing to do with sexual attraction. Sure, lack of attraction CAN manifest that way, but the more honest example is "do you look at a person and actively think 'damn, I wouldn't mind having sex with *them*'?" No? Then congrats, you're not sexually attracted to them. If that's the same with literally everyone, you're probably acespec. If that's the case with MOSTLY everyone or everyone* *terms and conditions may apply, then congrats, you're probably acespec. Turning attraction into defining it by actions is both inaccurate and invalidating to the wide array of asexuals who DO have fantasies, desire engaging in sexual activity, and/or are not averse to sexual behavior.

Lack of romantic attraction. This is allo/aromanticism. This is irrelevant to the asexual spectrum. This is like having a wedge of this graph referring to someone being nonbinary.

Absent libido: not a factor in asexuality. Whether or not you experience libido a lot, a little, or never is completely irrelevant to your asexuality. You can experience 0 sexual attraction ever and have a high libido and you're still asexual. You can experience sexual attraction rarely/after certain criteria are met and have no libido ever and you're still asexual. Your libido is not tied to or indicative or your attraction.

Aversion to sexual behavior. SEX FAVORABLE ASEXUALS EXIST. Hell, sex indifferent asexuals exist! Being sex repulsed is NOT A REQUIREMENT TO BE ASEXUAL. This is just flat out exclusionary. And yes, I realize it says "some", but it shouldn't even be included in this quiz. That "some" feels like a handwaved "oh yeah, and non sex repulsed people exist too, I guess, ANYWAY-" If someone wants to make a sex favorability quize that's an entirely seperate topic.

Again, this is not relevant. YES, some asexuals have sexual trauma that caused their asexuality. Some asexuals have sexual trama BECAUSE of their asexuality. Some have no trauma. Some, like me, have sexual related trauma that is entirely divorced from my asexuality in every way (mine's religious trauma). Not only is trauma once again an irrelevant point here, the quiz specifically focuses on sexual trama that caused asexuality. If you experienced sexual trauma in any other context, your experience is not considered or counted here.

Estrangement from Sexual Culture. This is entirely focused on sex repulsed aces. The questions are exclusively talking about feeling estranged because you aren't interested in or experiencing the same thing. There is no room for or consideration of those of us who may feel estranged not because we don't have/want sex, but because we DO, but in a way that is different from what's portrayed in society. We have represention for "I'm asexual, I don't fuck" and we have endless representation for "I'll allosexual, I love to fuck", but there's no representation for "I'm asexual, I love to fuck", let alone the countless ways that can manifest. This quiz doesn't account for that at all. Either you're sex repulsed, or you must not feel estranged from sexual culture, OBVIOUSLY (that last sentence is sarcastic).

Overall my experience with this quiz is that it's made with an incredibly narrow view of what makes up asexuality, and anyone who is not a sex repulsed asexual who either has sexual trauma that made them asexual or has no sexual trauma at all simply isn't considered in any way. I think there ARE ways to make a quiz like this that could be helpful for someone in understanding their sexuality, but the way both the questions and the categories are written is solely considering one ace experience, which is really unfortunate.

[aromantic-diaries]

I am the world's most monogamous aromantic person

[aromantic-diaries]

I don't feel like being aromantic and asexual saves me all that much time. How much time do you really think allorose people spend on that stuff? You gotta have a ridiculously exaggerated idea of them if you think all they do is think about kissing and fucking 24/7. I'm in a comitted QPR now and what the fuck would I be doing otherwise that I don't have time for now that I'm technically not single? People do recreational activities and rest and maybe even work with their partners you don't get several hours worth of Partner Chores that eat up your free time. Also sex is something people tend to do at night, a time during which you're not really expected to be productive. Hello??????????