Arospec Help Blog!

Hey! We are a collection of people on the aromantic spectrum who enjoy helping people. The purpose of this blog is to give advice and help people find their orientations. Feel free to drop an ask and we'll get back to you as soon as possible!

[aromantichelp-blog]

Recently I've entered a romantic relationship with a friend. Sometimes I'll get butterflies in my stomach but other times I feel.. repulsed in a way because of the romance and/or the attention it needs. Am I aromantic?

Hi lovely :) It’s sounds like you experience a romance slide, sometimes feeling romance repulsed, and other times feeling romance favourable. It’s also possible you may be “aroflux” if you feel like your romantic attraction fluctuates. I would encourage you to look more into the aro spectrum. -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

So I met this guy he broke up with his gf and is massive flirting with me(he doesn't know I'm a trans boy nor aro)and it makes me really upset. My relatives think I am going to date him, which is not. I don't want them to think that... What can I do?

Hi lovely :) I’m sorry this guy is flirting with you when you don’t want him to. When you’re in a safe position to do so, i.e. around other people who support you, you know you won’t be left alone with him afterwards etc., I would be upfront and tell him you are not interested.

E.g. “I’ve noticed that you’ve been flirting with me. I just wanted to let you know, so you don’t get hurt or have the wrong idea, that I’m not interested.”

Hopefully he will take it graciously and not continue to flirt with you or harass you afterwards. If he does, tell a friend/family member you trust to support you, so they can help you get rid of him.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Hi, so I've never actually found a specific person I want to date, but I think I want a relationship in general? (If that makes sense?) Does this make me aro or is there a better term?

You could certainly still be aro and want a romantic relationship. “Cupioromantic” is a specific label you might want to look into. -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Hi :) I saw your post about not having to be totally averse to romance to be aromantic, and I was wondering if you could explain this to me in a bit more detail? Because I'm questioning my lack of romantic attraction rn and it would help me greatly

Hi lovely :)

I’ve been offline for awhile, so I’m not sure which post you are referring to, but I will try to answer your question.

So people can have different ‘attitudes’ towards romance, regardless of orientation. One might be romance adverse, which means you don’t want to participate in romance; romance neutral, which means you don’t have any strong feelings about whether or not you want to participate in romance; or romance favourable, meaning you would like to participate in romance.

You may be wondering, “How could someone be romance favourable if they are aromantic, and don’t experience romantic attraction?” Many reasons. Maybe you are curious about romantic relationships. Maybe you want the emotional closeness of a romantic relationships, or the associated perks. Maybe you only feel comfortable having sex within a romantic relationship. Even if you can’t articulate a reason, it’s totally valid to want a romantic relationship, even if you are aromantic.

Hope that helps! -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

hullo♡ to get to the point i recently saw another blog talking down aros/aces and i just. it made me feel super... not-me. like i didnt matter. like im not actually who i am. trying not to seem like im fending for attention but do u kno what i can do

You do matter, lovely. It’s unfortunate that there are people out there talking down aros and aces, but you don’t have to accept that negativity. You are beautiful and your orientation is valid. People who don’t understand or seek to tear you down don’t affect that. -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Hi! I've identified as an aromantic asexual for a while now, but I often doubt my validity as an aro ace. I read a lot of fan fiction and I really enjoy reading about romance and sex but if it involves me it just feels wrong, or weird. Since I'm not repulsed by romance and (usually) not by sex either, I feel less valid as an aro ace. Also, I can kinda enjoy the idea of romance and(sometimes) sex, but I don't want it to actually happen. Am I still aro ace?

You are definitely still valid as an aro ace, lovely! Just because you like romance and sex in media/fanfiction, that doesn’t mean romantic and sexual attraction are something you personally experience. You also don’t have to be repulsed by either to be valid in your identity. -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Hi! Si I've been really confused with my sexuality lately. I dated boys and girls but the only thing I've ever felt was a crush(?)but I had this girlfriend who I think I liked? It just I don't want to accept that I am not able to love anyone...

Hi lovely :) It’s okay that your feelings are confusing and you’re not quite sure of your sexuality. It is possible that you are somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. You may like to look into the label “greyromantic” in particular.

Keep exploring your feelings and the labels out there and see what resonates with you. Though keep in mind there is no rush to have it all figured out.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Ok so I think I’m on the aro spectrum but I’m not sure where I fall. Through my entire life I’ve very rarely gotten crushes, having never understood how people could get crushes so easily, and even then they were only minor crushes. Only recently have I had the first real crush I’ve ever gotten on a person, and the two of us unofficially kinda dated for about a month (like we did romantic things but never explicitly stated out feelings) but then one day the person admitted to liking me and asked me out. Although this had been something I wanted for and daydreamed about for months, the moment the other person’s feelings were confirmed and it became real I felt sick. The next day I cried over and over, feeling physically ill at the thought of being romantic with this person (even though we’d been doing romantic stuff for a month) and being in my first actual relationship, that I couldn’t even get through the day before calling them and calling it off. One anxiety filled week later and I no longer held any romantic feelings for this person, and the thought of being romantic with them still makes me extremely anxious. Is it possible I’m greyromantic? Or something else entirely? Sorry this is so long btw, I just wanted to explain the situation completely because I need advice (thanks in advance)

...

Thanks for your question, lovely. It sounds like you could be “lithromantic”/ “akoiromantic”, which means your romantic feelings fade once acted upon or reciprocated. It also sounds like you experience romance repulsion.

You could certainly also use “greyromantic” if you prefer.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

hi! i’ve  identified as aro for a bit now and recently i found out that someone had a crush on me and we went to see a movie but now i don’t know what to say to them..i liked the physical contact that we shared like holding hands and cuddling but i didn’t feel any emotional or romantic attraction to them..what should i say? p.s he’s kind of skeptical of any spectrum other than gay, lesbian, or bi, so i’m scared he’s gonna feel like i’m putting him off or something..

…

Hi lovely,

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. You don’t necessarily have to say anything to this person. If you want to be as upfront as possible, you could let him know that you enjoyed the physical contact you shared, but aren’t interested in a romantic relationship.

If he is skeptical of aro-spec identities, it will probably be really difficult to explain that you are aro and might be interested in other kinds of relationships. Prioritise your own safety and well being if you are considering coming out to him.

Good luck! -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

can repulsion fluctuate?

heck im the repulsion anon i probably should have added. is it okay to feel horrible and Never want anyone to be close to you again, but after a while you try to open up again and you want to be close to someone? im also poly-alterous and my feelings fluctuate with that as well. like “i wanna be close to this person” and “i dont want to be close to anyone” 

…

Romance repulsion can definitely fluctuate, lovely. Feelings can wax and wane and change over time and that’s totally normal. So what you describe is very much okay. If you are in alterous or other kinds of relationships with others, I’d recommend being honest with them about how your feelings can change like this so they understand if you need space sometimes.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Recently, I had to turn a someone down when they wanted a relationship because I'm aro-ace, and now they've been distant. I feel bad for saying no, but I know I can't return their feelings. Is this normal?

It’s okay what you did, nonny, you never have to date somebody if you don’t want to. I’m sorry this person is being distant. Hopefully you can still be friends with them, they probably just need some time to deal with their own hurt feelings.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Can I become aromantic? Because I'm pretty sure it happened to me. :/ Nowadays I'm... Almost sure I'm 100% aro, and I used to not be. But now I really am.

Yes, it is possible for orientations to change over time, so it is possible that you are now aromantic even if you weren’t always. -Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

so every time I try to get a tiny little peek on my romantic orientation all I find is an endless void?? Like, there's nothing there at all? and idk how to describe it, when people ask me about my romantic orientation I just wanna say "nothing". Does it mean I'm aro? Or is there any way to express that not-orientation? I don't know if I wanna label myself as aro since I dunno if it is who I am/who I wanna be but it also might be accurate, which is important to me. Thank you!♥

Hi lovely,

You certainly could label your orientation aromantic. “Quoiromantic” had an original definition of rejecting romantic orientation as a relevant concept for a person too, so you might also consider “quoiromantic”. If neither of these labels feel quite right, you could certainly coin your own term!

-Mod Michy

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Reminder that if someone identifies as a cis male heterosexual aro, that tells you absolutely nothing about their sex life or how they treat women. And you absolutely can have consensual sex without it being romantic and without leading anybody on.

[aromantichelp-blog]

can you please define what a romantic relationship/ romantic attraction is?? I can't tell if I'm aro ace or just ace thanks!!

Hey lovely!

Romantic relationships and romantic attraction are both pretty nebulous concepts, tbh, and different people define them differently.

My current personal understanding is that romantic attraction is wanting date or be romantic partners with someone, and do things you consider romantic with them. For me that means things like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, saying sweet things, having emotional intensity and closeness, building intimacy, etc.

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

I have a big squish on my ex-best friend but my mental illness makes it almost impossible to talk to her and its so frustrating because I know she had a squish on me too but now we are kind of drifting apart and I keep crying at night because of it

I’m so sorry this is happening for you, nonny :( Losing a best friend and/or a squish can be pretty devastating. It’s important that you take care of yourself and prioritise your own mental health and happiness. Sometimes people just drift apart. You can certainly try to communicate with her and work it out, but try not to be too hard on yourself if it’s too hard or doesn’t work out. Good luck <3

-Mod Michy

[aromantichelp-blog]

Pls, help me understand. I've had 3 of what I thought were crushes in my whole life. I felt burning desire towards them but Idk how to describe it because afterwards I found out it wasn't romantic or sexual related. Every single damn time I had a chance with someone and started to date them I'd regret it 3 min later because I'd think "Oh, now I have to kiss them? And hug too intimately? Why they want to hold my hands right here rn? That's disgusting!" And I just couldn't feel anything anymore.

Hi lovely,

It’s possible that you may identify with the terms “lithromantic”/ “akoiromantic” (and equivalent sexual orientations) which mean that you feel romantic attraction but it fades when acted upon or reciprocated. You might also want to look into platonic and other kinds of attraction.

-Mod Michy