In a Time of Waiting for Better Times
In my early teens, I couldn’t wait until my late teens.
I hoped I could do anything I wanted once I reached my late teens.
Then when I reached my late teens, I realised that I was limited in my freedom.
In my late teens I wished to be in my early twenties; Out of the home, no parents and the freedom to do what ever I wanted.
Then, when I moved out finally, I realised there, again, was a limited amount of freedom.
Now, in my early twenties, I have decided to not hope for what I want to do in the future.
I wish for what I should have done in the past, changed a few things along the way, possibly even change what happened to me up until this point.
Still in my early twenties, I don’t look to the future and state I want to do ‘x’ by the time I’m ‘y’.
I look to the future and state I want to do ‘x’ because I want to.
Yet, I have also started to look at my life now, try and live in the short term.
In these moments, I have realised I am a tired, sad human being who wishes nothing less than interacting with as few people as possible.
In the terms of Mark Twain, The more I learn about humanity, the more I want to spend time with my dog.
I spend time in bed, thinking of what I want my life to be.
I have started to spend more time in bed, not wanting to interact with the world around me.
I have doubts of who I am now, because I don’t really know who I am. I never really knew who I was in those moments because I was too busy taking care of those around me, or not being in the area where issues would arise.
I don’t doubt I will never know who I truly am, i doubt I will ever get a large enough idea of who I am.
I can hope and dream for what the future holds, and for what I want to do, but I wait to see what gets thrown at me.
I have decided to see what options come up and pick the life that fits the most closely to what I want out of life.
I will do my best with what life gives me, waiting to see what happens.