โ Pen and paper.
Summary: In which Sujin decides to write letters to the people she hurt in the past, the first being about Yoo Saerom.
Characters: Lee Sujin, Yoo Saerom, Kim Miyeon, some other Artemis members appear by the end.
Trigger warning: Alcohol usage, cheating, swearing, lying, crying, briefly mentions a funeral in a movie (?). This is pure angst, Sujin hurted that girl. There's also like two scenes one after another involving sex but there's no smut, it does have kind of a explicit language but it doesn't describe any act. Also, Sujin lowkey makes fun of Hyojinโs alcohol dependence.
Author's Notes: This is part one of the To All The People I've Hurt series! Italic texts are for what's Sujin writing in the letters.
APRIL, 2020.
Sujin hated what she became.
When she thinks about it, she wants to pass out, she hates to think she's like that, she was supposed to be a good person, she was supposed to have values, what went wrong?
When she looks back at her past relationships, she sees nothing but people she treated badly, she sees nothing but a trail of hurt and resent, isn't love supposed to be beautiful? She wonders if that's what her exes thought when they were with her. When she looks back, she doesn't remember anything good, it was a trail of manipulation and sadness left behind, she hated it, she hated it so much.
In this trail she could see Elle, Delilah and Saerom. Three people who didn't deserve anything they went through with her.
Saerom, she remembered it clearly, it hadn't been a lot of time since it happened, it was a relationship with potential, destroyed by Sujin in a few months, or even weeks. Saerom was pure, so pure Sujin thinks she hasn't experienced the dark side of life before she met her, she was beautiful, she didn't deserve anything she had to take. Sujin regretted it so much, why did she had to be like this?
Saerom loved to write, she remembers it well. She always left a cute letter for her when they went out for a date or just visited each other in the dorm or her house. She was the opposite to Sujin, she loved to write and read books, something which she never really gave value, another thing that she did wrong. Ironically, this memory was what gave her this idea.
Sujin never thought she'd be sitting in a table, with a pen in hands and a blank sheet of paper in front of her. Why was she doing this, anyway? Redemption? She wouldn't get it with a simple letter who is never getting sent, it was worth a try, anyways. It was what she could do, she knew the people she hurted obviously didn't want to see her, that's the only thing that came into her mind. God, she felt stupid putting herself on that spot, but it's supposed to make her feel better about herself, she hopes so.
And with that, she took a deep breath before starting to write.
We met each other in august.
AUGUST, 2019.
Summer was close to ending, the temperature already had changes to give room to autumn. Debut preparations were done and we were set to debut by the end of september. Lai was responsible to introduce us, remember? You were a sm trainee at the time, or still is, i wonder if you're still there, you always talked about your dream of debuting and being sucessful in our late nights, i hope i didn't ruin that for you.
In the start, i remember it was all fun and games, we used to go out with Lai but it didn't take much for us to start meeting alone. We were so different, yet our conversations used to last for hours. We'd drink coffee, walk around Seoul and, from time to time, you saw a book you liked and i'd always end up buying for you, you remembered me of someone from the past, and that was what brought our downfall.
SEPTEMBER, 2019.
When i debuted, you took me to a restaurant i remember well, it was expensive, i could tell, i wondered if you really wanted to do that for me, yet you still insisted to pay the bill. That night, we had our first kiss late night at a park, hidden behind the trees so no one could see us, i remember i felt happy, yes, happy. Not everything was a lie, Saerom, not from the start, even if you don't believe me nor want to look at my face ever again.
Not long after, we started dating.
Autumn had started for some time already, the sun didn't shine as brightly but the city was still beautiful, the trees darkened their color and the leaves started to fall, a perfect landscape was formed. Even if it didn't shine a lot, the sun was already setting, it was perfect, completely perfect.
Sujin unexpectedly invited Saerom to visit the Deoksugung Stonewall Path, a beautiful place that was near the Seoul Museum of art, a place that Saerom loved to visit.
It has been some time since i last visited the path, i don't really have the courage or strength to do it without remembering of the things i did to you.
They walked around for some time, they smiled, laughed, everyone would think they're just best friends having fun and, that time, they were, but it wouldn't last soon. When they got tired, they stopped by a cafรฉ in front of the Jeongdong theatre, Saerom smiled as she continued to talk about her day, Sujin wasn't paying attention, lost in how angelic she looked while talking.
โI have something for you.โ Interrupted, making the other surprised for some seconds.
I remember i acted like i wasn't nervous, after all, i had to keep the act you always loved to tease. But, yes, you were right, i was nervous that day.
โOh, really? I'm curious, what book is it?โ Saerom rested her chin on her hand, while waiting for Sujin to get something out of her bag.
โYou know me well.โ
โYou're just uncreative! It's different.โ Sujin let a small smile out and playfuly rolled her eyes as she took a book out of her bag, handing it to the other girl. โPride and Prejudice? Quite clichรฉ, however unexpected coming from you.โ
โJust open the marked page.โ It was hard to tell, but Sujin was blushing behind the sunglass she was using. Saerom mouthed a small "huh?" as she opened the book on the indicated page.
โThere are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.โ The girl read the quote highlighted with pink marker, just below it, there was a post-it with something written: I love you.
I still remember your reaction, you were trying to hide your shock, but i could see it clearly, you were almost on the verge of crying from happiness, which i didn't understand why. Looking back to it, i realized it is because you really loved me, it hurts to see i didn't recognize that.
โFirst of all, never put a marker close to a book again, that's a crime.โ Sujin couldn't hold her laugh, she knew how Saerom hated to make one single damage to her books, god, she took more care of them than herself. โSecond, i love you too.โ
โSo, do you want?โ Saerom looked confused with the question, making Sujin look away, denouncing a little of nervousness. โTo be my... Girlfriend?โ She whispered, scared of the answer she'd receive, only to hear Saerom laughing out loud in front of her.
โWhat do you think?โ
NOVEMBER, 2019.
The sheets of Saerom's bed seem more monotonous than normal. Her apartment surely needs changes, but, still, it was probably better then SMโs dorm, it gave privacy both to herself and Sujin, she wonders if sheโs focusing on her own life since sheโs spending so much time with her. Sujin stares at the ceiling and lets a deep breath out, her girlfriend slept quietly by her side. Silence makes Sujin think, it makes her retrieve memories she didn't want. It hasn't been a lot of time since she started feeling like this, empty. Saerom started to feel more like a distraction than a loved one, she didn't know why. Honestly, Sujin hasn't met love again since a year ago, she hated to admit it, but old habits die hard, that was one of them.
Sujin liked girls like this, smart, determined, beautiful. There was only one difference between her current girlfriend and her past: Strength. Saerom was either easily manipulated or she trusted people too easily, ingenuous girl. In the end, Sujin is the type of person you can never trust, because sheโll always fuck you up in the end. She likes to hurt people, play with their minds, it became a part of her even if she denies it, she might be nice and playful in front of her friends, but she is rotten inside, she will always be.
She knew it, no matter how she tried to hide it down her throat, no matter how she tried to appreciate her girlfriend's beauty as one of a kind. In her eyes, Saerom would always be a carbon copy of the girl she loved a year ago, the same girl who she destroyed any ties she had with. For her, Saerom would always be a manifestation of the past, the one who makes reality the image of a future she had with someone else.
When Sujin fucks her, she sees someone else, when Sujin takes her out for a date, she sees someone else, when Sujin buys her a book, she sees someone else. It will always be someone else, a illusion of the past that insists to chase her every time she tried to move on from it.
Being distracted by her thoughts, she hears a fainted voice by her side. โI love you.โ
Hesitantly, she replies. โI love you too.โ
JANUARY, 2020.
Time passes, and a hotel room became more pleasing then her girlfriendโs home.
It was cheap, dirty and not in the most safe place of Seoul. The walls were made of wood and you could easily listen to the conversation in your neighbourโs room, the bed creaked at the smallest of movements and everything smelled like alcohol. She has money, she could afford a better place, but not getting caught was more important then comfort in Sujinโs mind, not that the person by her side cared at all.
No, the one beside her is not her loved one, not now, she stopped looking for pleasure in Saerom for some time, now. Miyeon was just another girl she met in a club, who she called when she needed. Miyeon was just exactly what her girlfriend missed, she was the missing part, she was power, she was strength. She wasnโt scared of challenging Sujin and she loved every single part of it. Of course, along with the adrenaline. Something inside of her begged her to stop and not do it, that she would leave one more person hurt, but something about lying always left Sujin intrigued, drunk with the ecstasy that came with doing something wrong, and Miyeon was perfect for it, she gave her exactly what she wanted. Sujin likes to do wrong things because they make her feel at her best state, they make her heart beat fast and make her think about the chaotic consequences of her actions, giving what she wants once again.
Suddenly, she can hear her phone vibrating on the bedside table, a message notification shows in the overly brightened phone.
[SAEROM @ 11:45 p.m] Are you fine? I hope your schedules arenโt taking a lot from you, i love you!
โIs that your girlfriend?โ Sujin feels the girlโs head lay on her shoulder, she sighs, not knowing how to respond the text, she was going out of excuses. She, then, looks at the lover by her side.
โYes. I gave her the same act, sheโs worried if iโm getting overworked.โ
โYeah, right, only if itโs overworked by something else.โ Miyeon lets a small chuckle out, Sujin stayed silent. Whatever it was, it still screamed to cut that relationship before everything started to fall down, but her desire spoke louder, it always did. โDonโt mind her, sheโll think youโre busy, drink some more wine.โ
โDonโt you have something stronger?โ She closes her eyes, letting one more deep breath out, she feels out of her body, everything felt like an hallucination, she wasnโt even drunk, yet. Lust. That was her biggest sin, it gets over her pride and takes over all of her body to act in favor of it, it was her biggest addiction. Before getting drunk of alcohol, she gets drunk of desire, it is dangerous for her, it is, Sujin canโt think properly anymore.
โWell,โ She gets up from the bed, going in the direction of a plastic bag on top of a drawer. โWe have whiskey, vodka... Your choice.โ
โVodka. It tastes horrible, itโll work better.โ Miyeon nodded, pouring the drink on a glass and giving it to Sujin. โDrink up.โ She takes everything in one sip, frowning for some seconds due to the burning sensation on her throat, exactly like Sujin wanted. โWhat do you want with this, really?โ
Her lips hesitate before answering, she was tired of that bulshit, she didnโt want to talk anymore, she needed more, desperately. โTo forget.โ She leaves the glass in the bedside table, taking her gaze to the other woman, she wouldnโt say anything else, Miyeon knew what to do, and thatโs what made her better.
โIf thatโs the case,โ She smiled, bad thoughts taking over her mind, just like Sujinโs. โI can do that way better.โ Miyeon grabs her chin and leaves a small kiss in her mouth, seconds later, Sujin gets closer and ends the space between them. Suddenly, time didnโt matter anymore.
FEBRUARY, 2020.
โItโs really nice from the girls to let us have a good time in private, right?โ Saerom smiles, grabbing a hand full of popcorn and stuffing everything in her mouth. Sujin tried to focus on what was going on in the television, what movie were they watching, anyway? She just went with her girlfriendโs lead and pretended to care.
Itโs been some time they last done this. Have a good time. It even gave Sujin a strange impression on her body, when everything sheโs been thinking about is the same dirty hotel room that smelled like alcohol and sex. Sujin didnโt even know why she invited Saerom to her dorm, she didnโt even love her anymore, why would she bother? Maybe to make her heart lighter, after all, nobody but her and Miyeon knew what she was doing in secret. Sujin is truly a trainwreck, a trainwreck disguised as a tempting, beautiful face, behind those mysterious, yet intriguing eyes that could pull you in a minute. People say sin is disguised as something beautiful, so it can take you in and never let you go, and that is exactly what she is.
โYes, they are, they like that weโre together.โ She sighs, grabbing a single popcorn and putting in her mouth, chewing it slowly as she gets more and more distracted in staring at the movie.
โReally? Is there a motive for that?โ
โNo, they just think youโre a cool person.โ She grabs another popcorn, donโt act like you donโt know, she wanted to say that to Saerom. All the girls knew, and she knew Lai told her about it. The only motive why Sujin distanced herself more from their relationship every day, how can someone else make such an effect on otherโs heart? She knew itโd come back at her one day or another, sheโd taste from her own poison and blame others for it, after all, itโs never your fault, itโs always the othersโ.
โWell, thatโs great, right? Look! Veronica is in Heather Chandlerโs funeral.โ Heathers. That was the movie they were watching. Saerom reaches her hand to grab more popcorn in the bowl they filled, realizing that the popcorn was close of completely vanishing. โHey, itโs your house, go get me some more.โ She smiled, putting the bowl completely in Sujinโs lap, who made a confused expression in the start.
โFine, you donโt need to pause the movie, iโll be right back!โ She faked a excited tone, grabbing the bowl and going to the dormโs kitchen, rolling her eyes as she refilled the bowl. She when she found those dates boring, anything with Saerom was suddenly boring and she couldnโt do anything about it. However, for some reason, cheating on her in secret sounded better in Sujinโs head then just straight up breaking up, she didnโt want to break up with Saerom in the fear of hurting her, but wasnโt that what she was doing all along? In the inside, Sujin wouldnโt take seeing Saerom with a broken expression, with a broken heart, but this wasnโt her problem anymore, she grew cold over her just like everyone else she ever dated. Sujin had a problem with love and relationships, it showed, but she decided to keep growing the count of people she hurts.
However, the view of a broken heart was closer than she imagined.
As Sujin was in the kitchen preparing more popcorn, her phone left in the couch kept ringing messages, making her curious girlfriend look if she had some new friends, always worried about her loved oneโs happiness, only to find out something that was the opposite of what she wanted.
[MIYEON @ 8:50 P.M] Long time no see, right?
[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] I bet you miss me
[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] Why donโt you come over to our secret spot and i can show you something?
[MIYEON @ 8:51 P.M] Ditch your girlfriend, she wonโt even suspect
[MIYEON @ 8:52 P.M] I bought some wine
As Sujin finished to put a new load of popcorn in the bowl, she walked back to the living room, surprising herself at the view of her girlfriend standing up in pure disappointment, with her phone in hands, displaying a conversation in the screen.
โSince when?โ
Sujin stayed silent.
โFucking answer, Sujin!โ
โItโs not what-โ
โDonโt play that bullshit on me.โ
It was dark, but Saeromโs eyes shined, and it wasnโt because of happiness. Tears started falling down her eyes, then to her cheeks, then dropping on the floor. She never saw her like that. Of course, Saerom was always vulnerable, but she never cried in front of her.
Iโll never forget what i felt when i saw your expression. You were completely broken in pieces, you couldnโt believe it, you didnโt want to, but everything that i talked about you, every single thing i did to you was registered, and you discovered everything once. You were so disappointed. When i look back at it, i always realize you actually loved me, truly, and i couldnโt see it, thatโs completely clichรฉ, like you used to say, but i didnโt understand, i didnโt know i could love again, iโm so sorry.
โIโm so sorry, Saerom, i-โ
โNo, you feel sorry because you got caught.โ True. She feels sorry she got caught, because if she didnโt, she would play the act until Saerom felt tired and broke the relationship without knowing anything. All her doings being locked and never discovered, but reality is not like that, itโs painful and itโll teach you lessons that youโll be thankful someday, hopefully.
She stayed silent one more time. She was out of lies. There was nothing she could do anymore besides letting her go, maybe she was feeling regret, maybe not, her mind was only pure confusion and she could only think of losing something that one day she called hers. Only a possession, a toy, that was Sujin what considered Saerom at that point, someone good she can show off to her groupmates to show she moved on. However, Saerom was no doll, she had feelings and they were overflowing with sadness. It wasnโt something beautiful, it wasnโt something worth seeing anymore.
โYou know... I thought you... you... Did you just lie to me this whole time?โ She wiped her tears with her right arm, throwing Sujinโs phone on her couch. โNever look into my face again.โ Saerom started grabbing her stuff, and something clicked into Sujin. She got closer, holding Saeromโs shoulders, keeping her from going away.
โHold on... Please... I-i can explain.โ Her voice failed, she was nervous, but showed no sadness. Saerom looked at the ground, she couldnโt take it, why? She loved Sujin so much? What did she do wrong?
โYouโre just so fucking uncreative.โ She looked in her eyes one more time, before going in direction of the exit, banging the door behind her, leaving Sujin staring at nothing, she wouldnโt go after her, she knew she didnโt deserve it, the fault was all hers, she knew it well. She always knew when she did something wrong. Sujin laid her head on the door, closing her eyes and landing two punches on it.
Silence. Since when silence started getting so overwhelming?
She used to love silence. The sensation of focusing on what youโre feeling, not what youโre hearing was something she used to always crave. But this silence wasnโt great, she didnโt want to feel what she was feeling, was she always like this? Was that the effect she caused on others? Sadness? The only thing she did all this time was break peopleโs hearts? She couldnโt understand because she always cared about herself, but when she looked at Saeromโs expression, memories came back to her, and they werenโt good.
โDo you mind telling me why Saerom sent me an audio message crying saying she never wants to see you again?โ Kamlai got out of her dorm room, going straight to the living room as Sujin turned around, looking at her groupmate who didnโt look pleased. โGod, i didnโt think you could pull that off again.โ
โWhat are you talking about?โ
โDonโt act like you donโt know. Saerom is a person, too! Sheโs my friend, Sujin, sheโs not Delilah!โ
Her eyes widened. Delilah. The name sheโs been trying so hard to forget. She hated to hear that name so much, Kamlai knew itโd hurt, did she say it on purpose? Probably, it was her friend she messed with, after all, even if she loved Sujin, she was wrong. She did something she shouldnโt do.
โDonโt fucking mention that name.โ Her voice got lower, it took silence to hear it. It was cold, she couldnโt show what was behind that name, but Kamlai knew very well, everyone knew.
โWhy? Because you keep showing that even after loving someone like that you keep doing the same shit and break peopleโs hearts? Thatโs not cool, Sujin, when will you learn?โ
โWhy do you care?โ Her voice now got louder, demanding answers from the older one.
โBecause i care about you! Youโre my friend! And i canโt take seeing you do those things! Because i know youโre a good person.โ
โMaybe you donโt know me at all!โ
โWhat is happening here?โ Hyojin who was actually in the dorm, got out of her room to see the motive of the fight.
โItโs not your business, Hyojin, go drown yourself in another whiskey bottle and let me solve this alone.โ
โWhat the fuck did you say?โ She looked at the younger one in shock, Sujin realizing what she said just after she saw her leaderโs expression, knowing that it was, still is a delicate matter to her.
She looked down, she couldnโt do anything that day anymore, she didnโt want to talk to anyone, sheโd just end up hurting one more person to her count. Sujin let out a deep breath, running away from all that mess to her room.
โWeโre talking later, Lee Sujin.โ Hyojin screamed from the distance, in which she purely answered to banging the door behind her.
She just wanted to turn back in time.
APRIL, 2020.
The end arrived so fast that i couldnโt even process. I didnโt know what i was feeling, i still donโt know. Iโm a slave to feelings, they take over me easily and make me do things i tend to regret just after. I canโt say i want you back, youโre better following your path without me, weโre both better without each other. But that doesnโt erase what i did, a plead of forgiveness or this letter wonโt do it. But itโs the better way i can think of. Because iโm a coward. The biggest of them.
I hope you're out there, making sure that your dream turns into reality as fast as possible. You deserve it more than anyone else, you deserve to be happy. Maybe iโll do, too, in a far future.
With you, i learned that holding onto the past won't make me feel better. I learned my lesson the hard way, but thank you. In the end, we had good memories, i hope you still remember those and don't see me as a monster.
Once again, i'm sorry, things just canโt be erased, however, they can get cured and become a good scar in the future. With sorrow;
Lee Sujin.
