When do we know? When do we really acknowledge something as truth? At times it’s within a heartbeat. A click you feel. Yes! This rings true. Other times you just as easily reject something. Sometimes you need more convincing and you allow the time for more study, observation and experiment. But are you really open to any outcome? In the end you long for that recognition. All the pieces of the puzzle that fall into place. The way I experience this now, you say, the way I see it now. Now it feels good. And you arrive at your truth.
Between knowing and doing
How often have we heard something and even agreed on something and yet no action follows? How often have we even expressed a desire, set a goal and yet we do not follow through? What is the matter? Why do we ‘know’ and yet not ‘do’? What part of the answer are we conscious of? The outlines are often easily detected. Your telling yourself lies, keeping illusions alive. It’s because of perfectionism or fear! But the details? Fear of what exactly and why so ‘perfect’?
The knowledge based on inference or testimony is different from direct knowledge obtained in the higher states of consciousness, because it is confined to a particular object (or aspect). - Sutra 1.49
If all the answers were handed over to you, if the truth was handed to you on a silver platter, would you accept? If it felt right, right?
Practice is our master
Self doubt is torturous. It can be, if you get stuck in your thoughts racing through the maze of circles and dead ends. If the only things you seek is to affirm your knowing with more knowing.
I’ve had long periods, especially the last few years where this was exactly the state I was in. Seeking knowledge, but never really knowing, because I didn’t experience it, didn’t feel it for myself. When there’s no practice, no actions, there’s only assumptions. A growing web of assumptions that suffocates your self esteem.
That’s why now I choose to believe practice is our master. Wouldn’t you rather have real victories and failures, instead of only the imagined ones that can hurt just as bad or even worse? I’d rather taste the bitter sweet instead of the emptiness.
Follow the flow
This commitment to practice is one of the reasons to start this blog, so I can document and reflect on my practice. With the sutra mentioned above as a thread to hold on too. “Draw your own conclusions” my teacher says. “If it feels right to you, take a stand for your truth!” “What if you’re wrong”, I ask. “The people around you will soon let you know.”
So .. Beware of your own colouring. What are the (hidden) expectations, assumptions and fears that muddy your perception. And .. Always stay open for new input. The truth is never afraid to be challenged.
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