artisanidiot

Figg; 21; Florida (she/her)

[fluffygif]

She is amazingly.  🐍

Credit: pythonpaige

[thenatsdorf]

[anxietyproblem]

[catchymemes]

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

okay this reminded me of the strongest human being (I use that label with some reservation) I have ever met and I still think about him like once a week because about 4 years ago on Thanksgiving night my sister, cousin, and I were going to pick up a friend about a 40 minute drive from home, and I got lost and tried to turn around on a little gravel pull-off on the side of the road, but my front tires got stuck in the snow.

we were in the middle of nowhere with no cell reception, and the only sign of life was a single, completely dark house across the road from us.

We all did our best to push the car out, and we’re strong people, but we couldn’t make it budge. Cold and stuck, we climbed back and wondered what to do. A car full of men pulled over beside us and asked if we needed help, but getting out of our locked car on a backroad at night with strange men felt like a bad idea, so we said a tow was coming and waved them along. We did that twice before finally deciding our only option was to accept the next offer for help and just risk it,

when a man came out of the house across the street.

He’d clearly been watching us and figured out why we’d been lying to people, which really surprised me & he said “it’s okay, you can stay in your car and keep the doors locked. Just start backing up when I say so.”

I had the window cracked and told him “it’s too stuck. There’s no way we’re getting out. Could you call a tow?”

And he said “just back up when I say so.”

So he walked around the front of the car, squatted, and said “okay back up,”

and I did, and

he lifted

the front of the car Into The Air. Off its front wheels, and we backed up while he essentially wheel-barrowed us back onto the road.

And we were honest to god yelling. We couldn’t help it. We just yelled until all four wheels were back on the ground and he was waving us off while we thanked him.

And then I looked at my sister and cousin & said “he REALLY told us we can KEEP our doors locked as if THAT WOULD’VE FUCKING STOPPED HIM!!!! As if he couldn’t have just RIPPED EM OFF THE HINGES.”

I later looked up the weight of my car, and it’s 3200 pounds without anything or anyone in it.

This haunts me.

[soratayuya]

the power of respecting women

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

this is the only valid response on this post

[catsi]

Okay so I was at work and I had the hiccups and I was stocking an aisle and this lady in the aisle heard me hiccuping and said "oh have you got the hiccups?" and I said yeah and she said "...Do you want me to get rid of them?" and I thought she meant she was going to scare me so I was like "n-no thanks" and she was like "you want to keep your hiccups??" and I said "yeah please dont scare me" and then I wandered off

And then a couple minutes later I still had hiccups and she walked by on her way out and she said "I wasn't going to scare you you know" and I said "you weren't?" and she said "no -- I have a way I can cure hiccups" and I was like "well what is it?" she's like "theres something about me that when I talk to people their hiccups just go away. i just chat or maybe tell them a story and after a minute or so their hiccups are just gone" and I thought she was like definitely on some pseudoscience shit so i kind of laughed and joked like "you should expect a call from the X-Men soon then" and she said "no. For real. I bet your hiccups are gone now aren't they?" and sure enough my fucking hiccups were gone. They stopped while she was speaking to me and didn't come back all night

what the fuck kind of power did this woman have... was she a hiccup witch??? I have so many questions for her

[whitepeopletwitter]

[doomedvoyages]

it’s jsut fucked up that we bred pigeons to be our companions and then when we no longer had use of them we just abandoned them and now we treate them like menaces and pests and  people want them dead they are our FRIENDS

[doomedvoyages]

I was drunk but right

[citymod]

[literallyaflame]

dude this is random but like. my mom works at a credit union, and a while ago, this totally domestic, collared dog came up to their door and was like.... barking to get in?? it’s a small credit union so they brought the dog inside to keep it safe while they got in contact with the owner

anyway, the owner showed up, looking haggard, and was like “yeah, she keeps managing to get loose. i’m surprised she came here, she usually goes to Wells Fargo.”

and my mom was like.... what?? and the dog owner was like “yeah ever since she started getting loose, she.... always goes to banks. we can’t figure out why.”

anyway the dog is fine and (they’re gonna crate train her or something) but how bananas fucking Wild is it that this dog escaped, multiple times, specifically to go to the bank???? what the fuck

[walrusofdoom]

They needed to make a depawsit

[unclefather]

[no-chill-at-all]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[glowpop]

i feel like i’m losing my mind this is legit the funniest shit i’ve come across

[manlethotline]

being an adult and buying your own shit is so weird i don't understand why anything is proced the way it is. why did my tattoo cost 8 toothpastes? why does a pair of socks cost a sandwich but a fancy dinner costs a whole jacket? why is book the same cost as 2 bag frozen vegetables? nothing makes sense i just wanna steal.

[ghoulgoon]

i think rickrolling is the only meme that gets objectively funnier with age. in 2009 you learned to anticipate it but in 2019 it happens just infreqently enough that i fall for it every single time

[daguerreotypen]

For so long, all I wanted was for you to love me, to accept me. I thought it was my honor that I wanted. But really, I was just trying to please you.

Avatar: The Last Airbender — “The Day of Black Sun, Part 2: The Eclipse”

[vstheworld]

Thank you to ATLA for not giving the abusive dad a redemption arc