A Living Journal

18+ / No Minors A place for all my work from the self to the relationship to the craft.

[harryandcarrison]

Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, and Gary Kurtz at the 25th San Sebastian Film Festival in Spain on November 4, 1977 while promoting Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope.

[cannibalchicken]

your friends love you, your brain is just mean

[kortzite]

[elementaldeityoffood]

[artkidmusings]

I am officially on medication for my PMDD.

I take sertraline for 14 days every month at a low dose to manage the PMDD. I just finished month one.

I feel so fucking normal I could cry. This is a goddamn miracle and I can't believe I finally can escape the fatigue and the rage.

Also, my husband cracked my sex issue. It isn't PTSD this time. It's the OCD. He realized I'm having obsessive thoughts. My therapist and I are shocked and also thrilled to have a new viable direction to work towards. I have so much PTSD that she and I never considered this could have been an OCD issue because it presented like a PTSD episode.

[artkidmusings]

One of my OCD thoughts? Oh ya know the usual - kissing my husband just to decide to rip his throat out with my teeth to feel the flesh and blood. It's so overwhelming I can imagine how it would actually feel and I have to actively shake myself out of the thought process by engaging myself in another activity.

Yay for insanely violent OCD thoughts.

[arahir]

idk how to put this intelligently but watching other women begin to tie their femininity to incompetency and childishness is driving me nuts.

[arahir]

okay im gonna say it again because i couldn't word it well last night but this trend has also turned into MY femininity getting policed and questioned and slowly a bunch of my female friendships have turned into a pseudo-heterosexual weirdness where i'm being put in the position of a boyfriend when we're together because there are dozens of things these women will no longer do and my willingness to step up makes me mannish to them. i'm sorry, i love you stupid bitches but i'm not your boyfriend. i'm an adult woman. and not being able to do basic tasks doesn't make you more feminine, it just makes you a pain in the ass.

[artkidmusings]

Reblogging with this:

It is fucking with my head. I am experiencing a damn near identity crisis because of this. I thought I had a place of belonging because all of us were about that life, but now like... I don't fit in anymore? I stand out because I will do things and they won't. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong by not acting like them. Am I a woman? Do I actually check the boxes of being a woman? This shift to acting like you're more of a woman if you're incapable is throwing me back to middle school struggles. We did our coming of age struggle with pleasing men and being authentic. Can we not revisit this please?

[artkidmusings]

It might be a PMDD week.

I am struggling immensely with self image and self worth. I feel like I'm lost in life with no clear direction. I feel like the grass is greener everywhere else and that I have made all the wrong choices. My life isn't bad. My life is objectively great.

I'm struggling with my body size and mobility. I feel like everyone else can get it together except for me. I feel betrayed by my husband for suddenly exercising during the day and not including me in it when we've been talking for months about how much I'm struggling with this and with motivating myself to do it.

I feel like I have to do things alone in order to find any success. This impulse to be independent in these ways also makes it so I feel distant from my husband and not connected to him. I feel like we live two separate lives. (This particular thought rears it's head during PMDD a lot).

I feel immensely unhappy.

I checked the calendar. This is my PMDD week. I feel like I just went through this.... because I did about three weeks ago. Also realized my last two periods were super close together. I'm too fucking stressed out. It is throwing my whole body out of whack.

[artkidmusings]

I used to love sex with my husband. Then, something just went off. The PTSD felt like too much. Now it feels like it's been too long and I don't know how to get back to liking it.

I experience sexual attraction and there are times I want to have sex with him, but it never lines up. Those times are like shooting stars... you don't always see them and even when you do, sometimes you forget to make a wish.

I feel like the answer is to start all over and act like we've never done this before. Explicitly go over what I want (namely that foreplay is not playing with my tits for two minutes, fingering me for half a minute and moving on). Like admittedly, he is okay at sex. The sex used to be mind blowing but now it just feels so rushed and like I'm having to race to keep up. We've talked about it but he just struggles with it so much.

It does not help that I haven't finished the last 10 or so times that we've had sex. Somehow that is becoming a major deterrent to even wanting to have sex. I don't want to start because I won't finish and that makes me cry like someone just killed my dog. I have no clue why I have such a strong emotional response to it.

I feel like he starts to feel self conscious if I start asking him to do things differently but this is absolutely not working. He tried to go down on me the other day and I grit my teeth through it for about 10 seconds and then stopped it.

I feel like I'm being dragged into it and I dread it.

We've got a lot of work to do.

[breakingdawnpt2]

and just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, you want to fuck a blonde guy

[artkidmusings]

This was literally the lowest point of my life. So much trauma and then a blonde guy.

[chumbie]

reblog this and put in the tags something you watched that terrified you as a child. i was so scared of the hot sauce in spongebob that i refused to be in the room when it was on

[artkidmusings]

A female friend of mine is into me. It's been a while since I have felt alive sexually. I miss having someone dominant in control and know what they're doing.

[rose-fics]

PMS mood swings are honestly the dumbest thing on earth because you go through a full fledged eldritch being transformation of emotion screeching with the song of the ancients and then like half an hour later you revert back to your human form and you're like oh. ooohhhhhhhhh.

[artkidmusings]

Just had a whole meltdown and fight with my husband because of this very thing. In the heat of the moment, he said he really wished I'd start smoking weed so I could force myself to relax.

We resolved everything. Our new plan: I write down whatever I want to meltdown about and give it to him. He picks a time weeks later to talk about it. We burn the letter at that meeting and get to see if I actually need to talk about it or if I was just emotionally disturbed.

[artkidmusings]

I'm screaming into the void when it comes to balancing the workload of the house.

My theory: He is shutting down because he feels guilty for not considering the things I consider when it comes to housework. He is also feeling angry that this is complicated and not straightforward. He feels like he has a solution to his adhd and I'm being unreasonable and uncompromising.

Reality: Getting him to say he's frustrated and needs a break from the conversation requires a lot of effort. I have to tell him to say it because he otherwise waits for me to just pick up on his body language and lack of engagement.

Do we need couples therapy? Yes. Will he go? No. Why? I have theories but I'm not sure.

How do I feel? Like I'd have better luck giving myself a lobotomy than getting him to work with me on housework.

Update:

He came to me and apologized for not just saying he was frustrated. He felt that it would come across as if he didn't value the work, and he realizes that by choosing to be silent he made it more difficult. We had a good follow up but agreed to leave it alone until Wednesday.

[louisinart-like-cuisinart]

Anyway if you see this you have to reblog and tag with a delight from ur day -- even the littlest thing counts

[gigew]

CLAIR OBSCUR: EXPEDITION 33

[artkidmusings]

I wish my hardware was updated enough to play this game. I want to play it so bad

[incognitopolls]

Do you have tokophobia (intense fear of pregnancy/childbirth)?

Yes, I do, and I don't think it's a weird phobia

Yes, I do, but I think it's a weird phobia

No, but I know someone who does; I don't think it's a weird phobia

No, but I know someone who does; I DO think it's a weird phobia

No, and I don't know anyone who does, but I don't think it's a weird phobia

No, and I don't know anyone who does; I DO think it's a weird phobia

Voting ended onMay 25, 2025

We ask your questions anonymously so you don’t have to! Submissions are open on the 1st and 15th of the month.

[artkidmusings]

I am struggling with something that may be depression. It is hard to tell right now. My therapist and I are working on figuring it out.

I have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). We have tracked it for over a year and I've checked all the boxes. It is significantly worse when taking hormonal birth control, so I'm not on any (been off for almost 3 years). Because my PMDD comes up every month, it's difficult for us to sort out if I am:

1) Feeling the beginnings of PMDD and just can't tell yet

2) Struggling with the fall out of how I feel during those roughly 8-12 days

3) Actually depressed AND struggling with PMDD

4) struggling to cope with my PMDD on top of a myriad of other life factors that are typically benign but have combined into a cocktail to knock your socks off (i.e. physical exercise, immense job stress, financial issues, the current regime)

I have felt suicidal twice in the past two months. Neither time have I had a plan or tried to act on anything. Both times I have reached out for help and received wonderful support from my family.

If this isn't depression, I think it will soon turn into it.

I feel like I am racing against a clock. I have two weeks to establish an exercise routine that gets me moving and I can maintain before my PMDD episode hits and I struggle to pull myself through the day and then my period hits and I'm so fatigued I'm asleep by 8:00 PM. I have two weeks to get work tasks back on track and continue to work on maintaining a classroom while planning a new classroom with no breaks (we're year round). I have two weeks to plan a budget with my husband but first we have to find a time to be free to do that. I have two weeks to figure out what meal plan I'm going to do so I will actually eat every day. I have two weeks to unpack my house and organize and make it feel like home. And so much more.

It's like having two weeks to accomplish all my goals and then two weeks where my hands are tied behind my back and I'm restrained to a chair while watching everything I did decay. Then, I am released and not only do I have patch up all the issues of decay (get things back to where they WERE), I also now have to catch things up to where they should be NOW... in just two weeks before it happens again.

It's not just the PMDD or potential depression. I also have ADHD (unmedicated), OCD, and PTSD. The PTSD weighs on my life in a very familiar way but it's still a weight that hinders me. We're working on it but I'm struggling so much with everything else, that it's considered a minor issue.

My OCD is revealing itself to be a major issue. I'm still learning a lot about it. I've only been diagnosed for about 8 months to a year. My thoughts spiral quickly and suddenly and I'm unable to stop them without external help - namely another person to distract me. I didn't realize what that was until recently.

My ADHD is just skipping through the wreckage, picking out the useful bits and chucking them so far away I don't know how I'll ever find them again.

I know I can't do this alone. I have friends and family and a husband and a therapist all trying to assist me, but there's a big portion of this that I have to do. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to make myself move.

Newton's First Law: Law of Inertia

An object at rest remains at rest, and an object in motion remains in motion at constant speed and in a straight line unless acted on by an unbalanced force. (nasa.gov)

I need help. I know I cannot do this alone.