And now I'm losing one day at a time

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AnasAbdin

★
todays bird
d e v o n
Claire Keane

⁂
RMH
Misplaced Lens Cap
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DEAR READER
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Sweet Seals For You, Always
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Sade Olutola

#extradirty
$LAYYYTER
YOU ARE THE REASON

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@artrat-43
And now I'm losing one day at a time
That white and numbing noise left after an explosion and at the same time the loud and frenetic sound of people talking in a crowd, that was what being a kid was like, everything fast, interesting and overwhelming. I had a system of course, call it surviving skill or fate, I actively enjoyed it, every new corner was made for me and I new how to deal with it, I had all the tools.
Then came the anger. The hunger, the desire. I wanted it all or nothing, to cry and laugh, to scream. To be unapologetic and authentic, I new how everything was going to play out even when I was blindfolded jumping off a cliff. The energy was flowing from me to everything else, I was nuclear.
Then I grew up.
It's calmer now, I'm not being fed everything all at once, and I don't feel the hunger to consume everything around me. I feel delicate, sublime. I see picturesque, I enjoy the silence and I crave the boredom.
But I still want it raw, unpolished and true.
I have changed so much, and maybe that's my essence. Blood guts and angel cake kinda thing..
-There was a girl
Only when it is cold and the lack of heat has made a bed on your skin you can safely experience the burning sensation of the hot water.
If dying by heat was as welcoming and soothing as dying by cold, I know I'd die by it. Only the heat can cure what runs underneath my skin.
In that mystical moment of dancing with the pain, the white bathroom floor was overtaken by the blue, all the hair and fat accumulated clogged the drain and the same water that danced, carving it's way on my body was trapped with me in that box.
Stained by the dye and mixed with the shampoo, the floor became sky and clouds, and the blue was a window, a path between confinement and freedom.
My feet touched and disappeared into the sky as the top of the churches did to heaven. As if in a chemically induced trance my mind ran free and I wondered: how many before me had human moments like this, and called it divine? Was I experiencing what inspired the surrealists? Was I just tired?
Only the mad or the child can truly experience freedom, however unaware of the experience. How dramatic are the men and women who have the need to chanel those human moments in art or poetry..
Thanks god I am too creative to ignore it, too unorthodox to call it divine and too humble to call it inspirational. Now it's just a glimpse in my memory that will likely die with me. Even though it is living prof of the human spit.
Envy has white
Hollow eyes
For she has no soul
Envy has sharp
Pointy teeth
For she is always hungry
Envy desires what you have
And it is never enough
Envy can never be satisfied
And I've never felt this hollow before
Heavy chest and wet eyes
A burning pile, a bunch of lies
I feel it in my bones, this sore
I crave for that electric touch
Teach me how to love
How to feel and how to be
I miss that feeling so much
I want a perfect body
And a matching soul
I want to corrupt purity
Get dirty
Get bloody
I want to feel it in my stomach
Fighting to get out and still push it down
I want to feel it in my skin
Crawling patiently and somehow let it out
I want that sweet sensation of desire
Blurring my vision and rushing my blood
I want to feel you on the insides
I want it all
Oh to feel your heart pounding in between my fingers
A shiver down my spine as you gaze upon me
To see the the many shades your skins goes thought as I go by it
Nothing gets me higher than the moment
The split second I realise the subtext
How my mind is pushed aside
And the sins of the flesh overtake sanity
Very happy, very glad, very amused
Not satisfied
At least half of all relationships happen inside my head
How to not ache
When you are the peak of my desire
The center of all my thoughts
The muse for all my creations.
To the star of all my fantasies,
Sometimes I wonder if only in my mind you reside
If as if by miracle I conjured myself
How your existence fits so well in mine
I do not consider myself as mundane
As one rulled by belief
But it takes tremendous effort to pretend
This temptation you cause could ever have an unfatefull nature
"You've done so much with so little, so much for someone so young, accomplished so much.. trully amazing.
Not enough tho."
He's such a good person
So smart also
Makes me want to get better
He doesn't know
Just how precious he is
Makes me want to be better
To be there
Catch him if he ever falls
The burden of the golden
Forever damp in praise
Spellbound
Never sure
Wicked enchantress
Charm and gaze
I want blood and guts
I want it all
"Your family is made of people who love you but are unable to give you the support that you need"
Sometimes I go by Lucia, mostly when I'm feeling some sides of me that don't come off all the time, I guess it's a gender fluid thing.
My mom doesn't know about my gender situation. I don't mind, I know she'd be ok with it but she doesn't really understand and I am okay with my mom not understanding an aspect of my personality. I get gender euphoria sometimes when being perceived, gender is very much a performance for me.
Over the years, me and my mom have come a long way in our relationship, she often stayed awake later to speak to me due to the time zones, and she usually abbreviates the "I love you", at first it was "love you" and then "luv u" it stayed at the last one for the past years. Today the said "LU". Just a simple thing, completely unrelated. But I felt it so deep, I was having a Lucia moment and Lu just sank in me. She doesn't know of course but I mean, Lucia is also my way of reminding me that I love myself. In the end it doesn't matter, it's all the same.
I've cried so much
.
I've pressed my face against my knees like how I did as a kid
I've almost called my mom like how I did as a teenager
I felt alone and hopeless, I've regretted leaving like how I did my entire life
.
The eyeliner mark that my face left on my knees kinda look like a smiling face
.
I guess life is funny
I feel like I'm twelve again
Or worse, seven
In moments like this that I realise just how alone I am
я не думаю, что это справедливо
все, что я хочу, это любить тебя
люблю тебя
любить на самом деле означает страдать