It's Just Me

Gone. I'm Asha. I'm a legal adult. I'm sarcastic. I think I'm funny. I have an obsession with vintage keys. I have a strange fear of intimacy. I love music. All types. I'll share with you as long as you'll share with me too. I don't reblog something unless it means something to me. I don't back down from a challenge. I'm not afraid. Talk to me. I want to know you. I'm Asha. And I want you to join me on this journey.

[ashabytheway]

Every time I socialize with anyone, I immediately want to die after.

[ashabytheway]

It feels like there's a war in my heart. It's being enveloped in a dark hole, the likes of which neither of us have ever seen before. It's being swallowed whole in the eternal rage of my psyche. A place that I'm not sure I can rescue her from. How can I fight a mind that has turned against me? A brain that speaks in wicked voices and thunderous rainshowers. Somewhere around birth the two screws that I desperately needed were knocked loose and I wouldn't realize that I was different until the ominous voice was winning.

My heart is hushed to the screaming in my head.

And that voice never stops.

[ashabytheway]

"Who did you love before you met me?"

Myself.

[ashabytheway]

Loving you was not only the hardest thing I had ever done, it was the dumbest. I should have realized that it shouldn't be that difficult a long, long time ago.

- 2pm thoughts

[ashabytheway]

Pass the happy ~ When you get this, reply with 5 things that make you happy and send this to the last 10 people in your notifications! <3

Thank you for passing this along to me, @7caroline!

1) The ocean

2) Foooooood

3) All of my TV shows

4) Reading/Writing

5) My favorite YouTubers

I’d like to pass this along to @spreadyourwindsandfly, @wedtomymisery, @swimmingsunrise, @its--5am, @salty-serpent, @just-friends-bitches, @zebob16, @rocktheholygrail, @booshlovermotherlicker, @zestygingergirl

[ashabytheway]

"Did you ever love me?" He asked.

A loaded question to force the happy memories back into her head. He wanted her to remember the laughter, the comfort and the soothing silences.

And she did recall.

She remembered the way he kissed and all of his tickle spots. She knew his insecurities and the way he broke down.

She knew him.

But in the present minute, ticking slowly away, their history didn't matter. It didn't make up for kept secrets and breaking lies that could've been strengtening admissions.

Every time she looked at him, it hurt her in an explicable way.

What did it matter if she loved him then or if she loves him now?

"It doesn't change anything," She replied exhaling the built up tension.

"Did you?" He pressed, needing the validation.

Feeling her flimsy backbone, unable to make eye contact, she lied through her teeth.

"No."

The anguish that washed over his features was only a mild satisfaction to her. The guilt soon took over as she watched him crumble.

He turned his back on her, only to mutter, "I knew you were a mistake."

And perhaps she was, but no bigger a mistake than her wasted time, loss of confidence and broken heart.

None of it had to happen.

None of it should have happened.

There were so many times that she could have walked away and consciously chose not to.

Taking a breath, she broke away without another word.

Unfortunately, there was just nothing left to say.

[ashabytheway]

I don't hate crying because it's weakness.

I hate crying because once the pain is great enough, I know I'll never forget.

I won't forget the red flags and forgive the little things anymore.

I can no longer see how the good outweighs the bad, the devil on my shoulder is suddenly louder than ever before and I am in a heartbreak hell.

More so, when I ride the wave of destruction it will forever lead me into the oasis of peace; calm, release.

I'll forget that pain as quickly as your name when I delete you from every social media account.

It's not pettiness.

It's the unwillingness to look into the eyes that hurt me. The aversion to knowing I was wrong all along.

With the intent of pain relief, the tears scatter along with my brain.

It is quiet.

I am empty.

Even the seething selfdeprication is gone.

How am I supposed to write like this?

[ashabytheway]

Everyone talks largely and openly about being a heartbreaker. We even say it affectionately to one another.

We never stop to think about whose heart they will break.

Or if it will be yours.

[ashabytheway]

I just think I wanted him to love me.

I had hoped he'd be different, somehow. I thought he would change the way I saw things and help me to understand them in a new way. I pictured someone who would build me up while I put his puzzle back together.

"So... You gonna show me your tits?"

No.

I'm going to remind myself that because we had compatibility doesn't change the fact that you're a fuckboy.

Oh, well.

[ashabytheway]

With her open eye, she looked passed me. Her gaze seemed to land directly into mine, but I felt invisible.

Hollow.

Burdened.

Even in that final moment, as she walked away, I knew. I knew the answers to questions that I'd always been asking. I never needed to know who she was to discover who I could truly become.

Maybe I wasn't the one fading away.

[ashabytheway]

I don't know if I was ever happy.

All I knew is that I was drowning.

Why am I always fucking drowning?

It'll always get better. You can move passed this. You'll back and laugh. You'll be in a better place.

I'm not.

I haven't been.

I'm scared that I won't be.

[the-unfinished-world-of-hay-blog]

Ophelia

Ophelia Ingraham had been working at the same nursing home since she was fourteen. Well… technically, she’d only been on the payroll for the last four years, but she had been volunteering when she was a young girl. Nana Ingraham had developed dementia after Phi’s thirteenth birthday. It wasn’t until she caught her hand in the active garbage disposal that Phi’s parents realized they weren’t cut out to take care of Nana. The day they took her grandma away, Phi cried so hard that her jaw was stiff and her throat hurt. Phi swore that she’d never leave her grandma alone.

Now twenty four years old, Phi felt like she had wasted time. Sure, with her credentials, she could be a nurse anywhere she pleased. Phi knew more than anyone in the home - even the stupid doctors that stopped by every once in a great while. There were no offices at Nana’s nursing home, so they generally only stopped in when someone was dead or dying. To be honest, all Phi wanted to be was a doctor. Unfortunately, she couldn’t afford it. The tooth fairy didn’t have to opportunity to drop one hundred and thirteen thousand dollars underneath Phi’s pillow.

About a month ago, Ophelia’s mother was diagnosed with severe agoraphobia and major depressive disorder. Not only did it make it impossible for her mother to go outside, but it made life impossible for her inside the house. Phi’s mother had become a bedridden alcoholic and had decided that taking her medicine wasn’t important. Ophelia often felt like giving up, but knew that it was important to stay strong…if not for herself, at least for Nana.

“Good morning, Nana.” Phi spoke through a false smile as she entered her Nana’s room.

“Who are you?” Nana Ingraham questioned as she studied Phi’s face.

“I’m your granddaughter, Nana.” Phi explained gently as she knelt by Nana’s Ingraham’s chair.

“I don’t have a granddaughter,” Nana dismissed with a wave of her hand, “I never had kids.”

“Nana, you have four kids,” Phi leaned over and grabbed the family picture from Nana’s corner table. “Look, there’s-”

“That’s not my family.” Nana slapped the frame out of Phi’s hand, “They put those here to make us comfortable. I know the truth, girl.”

Phi looked into her grandma’s blinding eyes, “Nana-”

“Stop calling me that!” Nana Ingraham snapped, “You think I don’t know what they do to people here. I’ve seen it! I’ve seen with my own two eyes.”

Phi highly doubted that Nana had seen anything other than a close range bird, but it seemed like Nana was having another one of her bad days. They’d been getting worse and worse. Last year, Nana could tell Phi all about the things they’d do together when Phi was growing up. Now Nana didn’t even recognize her. Phi felt as though a piece of her had gone missing, but knew that Nana’s deterioration was inevitable.

“What are you talking about?” Phi wondered as she kept her eyes locked with Nana’s.

“They killed Harriet.” Nana spoke with conviction as she turned to look out the window once more.

“No, Miss Ingraham,” Phi corrected with a stern tone of voice, “Harriet died of natural causes. She got pneumonia and we couldn’t help her get better.”

“What do you know?” Nana erupted, “You weren’t here.”

[ashabytheway]

You would have been five. I was hoping you were a boy, but I would have been happy enough that you were healthy. I was already fretting about how to explain why some kids had dads who loved and cherished them, but you didn't. I was worried that he would find out I was pregnant at all. From January to May, I thought I was coping with your loss and instead, I just wasn't talking about it. Since then, you've come to me in waves. Dreams about running with you on the beach, holding you at a funeral, and watching you dance at poorly lit weddings. I often imagine you being around with your cousins and sleeping in Gigi's bed like they do. You may never have siblings and I'm sorry, but after you, I don't know if I can do it again. Though, I still get sad seeing all the Mother's day well wishes and having to stand quietly in the corner. You were my only true love, my only light, and my only life. You are and always will be a part of me.

[ashabytheway]

There's this stupid post going around about the three types of love and people comment left and right,

"So true!"

"I'm so glad I've found you!"

"You are my third and final❤"

This might be pessimistic, but... How do you know? Your first love was puppy love and you called it real because you didn't know any better. Now you think you do? Because here comes to second love after that puppy got stomped and you're still pretty sure that you're right.

They're perfect and everything they say is so true. How did you end up with someone so amazing? They're your best friend AND you get to see them naked, but right then, the benefits didn't end there. You saw yourself making a house into a home, a couple into a family, and maybe, that person into your heart's protector. You're right, you didn't know this was love number two or even love number one, but your puppy stops eating out of the blue.

Your puppy stops wagging it's tail, it stops showing up when you call, and it stops caring. Your puppy didn't get stomped this time, but was it easier to crush it's skull or watch it starve? Now, you have a third puppy. This is one, you tell yourself. You'll love it, nurture it, feed it every day. Because this is it...this is the last time you'll put yourself through this again.

You look back and remember how amazing that first puppy was and you rationalize that it was never meant to last. You recall the second puppy and you convince yourself there was nothing more you could have done. That wasn't more pain than love and for a second, you ask yourself why you're even getting this third puppy...

Fuck it, you tell yourself. Fuck it all. One more risk, one more chance at a reward. And now you're empowered because you see all these people with their third puppy and you think you can have that, too. So you put in the time, the effort, and show more affection than ever before. You're riding high on how well you've taken care of your new puppy. They are so smart, so beautiful, and you feel like you can't do anything wrong.

Your puppy still runs away. Yeah, it'll come back to tell you hello and eat the food in their bowl, but then they're gone again. This time, you're not dealing with the brutality, the yoyo behavior or the lack of will because this is the third and everyone says third times the charm.

...how do they know?

[ashabytheway]

It's simple to speak of things in retrospect. You can see everything with a clear head and an objective view. You can spot the mistakes and redirect the path. Decisions that need to be made at the drop of a hat don't seem so scary. You're confident with your problem solving skills.

What I should have done was say yes.

I should have said, "Fuck it!" and thrown caution to the wind. I should have been reckless, but honest and willful, yet malleable. I should have.

I wish he never came before you. Though, I'm not sure I could have stomached that relationship after someone like you. Isn't silly that we always see the error of our ways after it's just a hair too late? Unfortunately that hair was fine strand of DNA that was growing inside me.

I met you after bleeding out as though each knife in my back were physical instead of fictional and I was afraid that you'd see the mess. I technically still haven't cleaned up, but I'm pushing things from the left to the right and I'm stacking...or piling...I'm not sure which.

Now, I've jumped feet first into the icy depths of you and I really didn't think this through. I looked before I leaped as so I've been taught over many years of "will they won't they." But I saw water instead of concrete and I thought safe.

The problem is: I really still don't know if I'm wrong.

[ashabytheway]

I watched him watch me from the corner of my eye. His shoulders square off as he watched me slide my fingers into the waistline of my jeans. I turned my back to him as I let the fabric drift over my hips, down my ass and puddle at my feet. Gathering the hem of my shirt in both hands, I drew the material over my head and let it join my pants on the floor. I reached behind me to unhook my bra; he drew a shaky breath.

“Wait,” His voice, low and firm, sent lightning through my stomach. I pulled my thighs together. I circled to face him, finally meeting that hungry gaze. “Come here,” He spoke softly this time - almost a whisper. I shook my head in playful refusal. With uninterrupted eye contact, I let my fingers dance from my bellybutton down the front of my panties. He took three long strides closing the gap between the two of us.

His hand gripped my jaw and his mouth grazed mine in a gentle teasing gesture. His other hand wrapped the circumference of my wrist and withdrew my hand. His pelvis met mine and began to guide me backwards. The backs of my thighs hit the plush comforter of his queen sized bed moments before I fell backward onto it. Instead of resting on top of me, he stood back and ‘watched me for a second.

His thick fingers hooked the sides of my underwear and, very gently, he slipped them off of me. Dropping to his knees, he drew mine back and rested the arches of my feet on his shoulders. There was a delicate breath on the most intimate parts of me; I bucked into him. His hands cupped beneath me became less of a brace and more of an anchor. His tongue came, at first, in one velvety stroke and then again, in quick bursts along my clitoris.

My hands gripped the skin of shoulders as I threw my head back. His tongue zigzagged it’s way down to my entrance. “Wait,” I whispered, “Come here.” He crawled over me and brushed his nose against mine. I let my tongue slip out of my mouth and over his lips. The taste of me still fresh on his tongue. He lifted the cups of my bra to expose my breasts, then took one his mouth and bit down.

My back arched and my nails scored the skin of his back. “I want you,” I nearly screamed as he sucked the pain away. His eyes met mine and the fire burning behind them made my smile blossom. His hands took the back of my knees and folded me like a pretzel. “Are you ready?” He quested breathlessly. “Yes,” I moaned back. The head of his cock pressed inside me. In short, easy strokes he buried himself inside me.

“Are you okay?” He murmured - lips pressed to my ear. “Fuck me.” I barked back. This time, with hard thrusts, his hips met mine. He dropped one of my legs and his torso covered mine. The fingers of his free hand enveloped my airway and constricted. My head began to float and my intimacy began to convulse. He planted himself inside me until he was flush against me and bucked his hips two good times.

My skin was hot and my head fuzzy as I basked in the glow of my orgasm. His hand released my neck and burrowed into my hair. The other let my leg drop and wrapped around my midsection. He lowered himself on top of me and rested his face in the crook of my neck.

[ashabytheway]

“Take me to your happy place.”

The water is calm and the sky is blue. Fluffy white clouds drift through the bright summer sky. The tall patches of grass lining the edges of the lake ebb and flow with the gentle rocking the lakes murky waters. The seaweed, the fish and all the left overs of human activity dance among the muddy floor. I’m floating face down in the water. My eyes are open. I can see everything. The water shifted around my body with the gentle breeze; it slaps against my ears. I’m not breathing, but...I’m aware. As if my soul never left my corpse and I’m perpetually drowning.

I’m drowning and I can’t even die.