#ashabytheway

[ashabythepicture]

@ashamariem

OUT NOW: The Redemption Catherine Kamber has wanted many things in life. To be overlooked when she walked on the street...

Come read my book, and leave me a review! Also, here's this accidental screenshot of Jimmy Carr on CDC.

[ashabythepicture]

Soup, soup

A tasty soup, soup

A spicy carrot and coriander

(Chilli chowder)

Crouton, crouton

Crunchy friends in a liquid broth

I am gazpacho

Oh

I am a summer soup

Mmm

Miso, miso

Fighting in the dojo

Miso, miso

Oriental prince in the land of soup

[ashabythepicture]

Hi, my name is Asha and over this last year I have a hit a very low point. I lost my job last November and wasn't really qualified to do anything else as high paying which was supporting my car payment. I made my way into delivering pizzas which paid some of the bills, but not all. I was helping out a girl who had lived with me, but ended up in a deeper hole by trying to pay for everything on my own. When I felt like I was drowning I made the decision to move to California and start fresh. I began working my regular job and even took up a temp job to help pay for the cost of catching up on my car loan. I was unfortunately unable to do that anf today my car got taken. The amount shown is just short of what I need to get my car back and I still plan on working every day to get it back. All I need is some help to get there. I work 15 minutes from home and will lose my job if I don't get it back and mostly likely my place after that. I hate to ask complete strangers for this kind of money, but I don't know what else to do as it seems my hard work is not enough. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. All I need is a hand up.

[ashabytheway]

"Who did you love before you met me?"

Myself.

[ashabytheway]

It's simple to speak of things in retrospect. You can see everything with a clear head and an objective view. You can spot the mistakes and redirect the path. Decisions that need to be made at the drop of a hat don't seem so scary. You're confident with your problem solving skills.

What I should have done was say yes.

I should have said, "Fuck it!" and thrown caution to the wind. I should have been reckless, but honest and willful, yet malleable. I should have.

I wish he never came before you. Though, I'm not sure I could have stomached that relationship after someone like you. Isn't silly that we always see the error of our ways after it's just a hair too late? Unfortunately that hair was fine strand of DNA that was growing inside me.

I met you after bleeding out as though each knife in my back were physical instead of fictional and I was afraid that you'd see the mess. I technically still haven't cleaned up, but I'm pushing things from the left to the right and I'm stacking...or piling...I'm not sure which.

Now, I've jumped feet first into the icy depths of you and I really didn't think this through. I looked before I leaped as so I've been taught over many years of "will they won't they." But I saw water instead of concrete and I thought safe.

The problem is: I really still don't know if I'm wrong.

[ashabytheway]

We Were Not Enough

Sometimes, she's just too much. Sometimes she laughs too loudly in public and she beats her hands on the table. No one else seemed to think it was that funny. But she did. She always caused some sort of disturbance in crowded rooms. People quieted down, turned and stared. The staring wasn't even the worst part. It was the whispering. They'd lean in and pretend that they were being nonchalant. No, wait, the worst part is the way she seems to never notice them looking. She always chomped down on her gum like cow chewing cud. The way her lips smacked together made you nervous thag you'd get sprayed by errant saliva. Even when she ate, it seemed she got more food on herself than she started with on her plate. Her fingers were often messy and sticky from the spills. She'd always borrow (and return) your pencils in mucky condition. She even danced like a dork. She would stand in the middle of dance floors and weeble wobble until the house was cleared out. She would run her hands down her face and over her body while she kicked her legs in all different directions. She had no rhythm and it made people stare. And still she didn't care. We were told that she'd passed away from a brain aneurysm that following Wednesday. And suddenly, the room seemed so quiet. Her laughter no longer echoed and bounced down the halls. Nobody was looking around for her or staring at her. They simply stared at their laps. The lunch room hustle wasn't even the same. She wasn't in line shouting to the lunch lady what she wanted her plate. She wasn't chomping her gum. No one was paying attention anymore. I was beginning to think they never would again. As I sat back and watched everyone dance, I realized that the floor just wasn't as lively. There was no pizzazz. It didn't seem like any of these people were even enjoying this moment to it's fullest. And then it really hit me. She wasn't too much. We were not enough.

[ashabythepicture]

I'm so mad right now that I want to yell. But I feel like if I yell, the anger wins. I have no coping mechanisms other than yelling and hitting. I am a two year old. Grow up, Asha. Grow the fuck up.

[ashabytheway]

I really missed feeling small against someones chest. The absolute weightlessness that comes over you. The power of them comforts you into a passive being. The stillness in the air is soothing; as if you were the only two people on the planet. Every expression is a whisper. In those few seconds, the powerlessness is a blessing. Sometimes it’s nice to feel small.