A SHEEP OR TWO

Welcome to my home among the gum trees for the things I've tried to buy and sell online.

[asheeportwo]

Exercise Bike for a 6-Pack of Beer

I had a cheap exercise bike collecting clothes in the corner of a room. I imagined how much happier i would be if that bike was beer.

Hello Winter McFatty, I know what you’re thinking: summer’s just around the corner and you’ve got to put down the fork and start thinking out getting in some type of non-blimp-like shape.

But after several expensive unused gym memberships you’re looking for something in the ‘I want to get fit, but don’t want to have a $2,000 treadmill staring daggers and making me feel guilty when I choose to eat a jar of Nutella instead of exercise’ category. Well, little Sprocket Rocket here is your answer. It’s like taking a Tinder date to McDonald’s: It’s cheaper than a hooker and it may just get the job done.

The silver lining to your imminent failure If/when you decide that cycling ‘just isn’t for you’ (let’s be honest here, it’s a 50/50 chance at best), you can smile in the knowledge that you paid less than $30 for a piece of sporting equipment that does an awesome job of keeping a wardrobe’s worth of clothes off the ground. And you made guy’s day by giving him a six-pack of craft beer. win-sort-of-win.

A unpaid testimonial “If you’re thinking about giving stationary cycling a go, I couldn’t recommend Sprocket Rocket more. If I started cycling on this bike I probably would have been good enough to stay clean.” – Lance Armstrong

Well look at choo If, by some minor miracle, you do get a few hundred kilometres under your now shrinking belt and you’re looking for a bigger challenge – vive la adjustable résistance! Sprocket Rocket can be cranked up from ‘Look, mum, I’m flying’ right through to ‘Who the f&*k filled my bike with chunky peanut butter?!”.

Key features • Soft-grip handlebars/hat hooks • Comfy seat/towel dryer • Velcro pedals straps/shoe holders • High-tech display and tracking gizmo/rocket launcher(maybe) • Adjustable seat height to keep those extra long towels off the ground

The price A six pack of cold craft beer – buyer’s choice

Next steps (add crappy motivational fitspo quote here)

CORRESPONDENCE: This sold quicker way quicker than expected. I know the price was cheap but I thought the ad would scare serious buyers away. I kept the ad up for a while after it sold for shits and gigs.

First bite: Hi mate, I’m keen for the bike to give it a go, though im a 50/50 chance as you said but for a six pack I may as well. Text me to arrange pick up.     Me: Sold! Now get your fat-arse over here with that 6-pack. Anytime after 5 my address is ---.     

Insulted:  Do you think you’ll sell this by insulting people? Me:  Thanks for you interest but unfortunately it has been sold...fatty.

Tassie:  Will you take a 6 pack of Boags? Me:  Is that what’s in the fridge? Tassie:  Maybe... Me:  You enjoy them

For real:  Hi not sure if ad is real or fake but very happy to provide 6 pack of premium craft beer for exercise bike? Me:  As real as my hard-earned thirst. Unfortunately it sold. The six pack was one of those cheap Liquorland 'craft-looking' beers. 😕 I'm sure yours would have been better.   For real: I guess we’ll never know. Thanks for the entertainment though.

THE RESULT: As mentioned in the correspondence, the buyer did the expected and bought the cheapest ‘craft’ beer he could find. I was so disappointed I forgot to take a photo of the 6-pack before I drank it. It did little to wash the bitter taste out of my mouth. 

[asheeportwo]

Moreen – The Ultimate Washing Machine

A friend asked me to help them sell their washing machine. I spent five full minutes with my friend and Moreen interviewing them both to make sure i gave the story the justice it deserved.

FOR SALE: Moreen – The Ultimate Washing Machine

I’d like to introduce you to Moreen.

Moreen is more than an electrical appliance that has graced my laundry for the past three years, Moreen is a 6kg heavy duty dirty clothes cleaning MACHINE… actually, that’s quite a normal description of a washing machine, so, um, okay, moving on.

While your dishwasher may decide not to release the tablet because you forgot to rinse a plate, and your dryer may threaten to burn the house down if you don’t empty the lint catcher, Moreen just gets in and does a job.

Moreen cleans clothes. Skid marks? Moreen doesn’t judge. Fresh blood splatters? Moreen doesn’t ask questions. Chocolate stains? Nothing gets chocolate out… except for Moreen

If it was up to me I would never let Moreen leave, but Moreen expressed a deep desire to help another young soul who is ready to leave home for the first time and I will not to stand in the way of a washing machine’s dream.

Here’s just a few of the things I’ll miss about Moreen:

No tissue tears Do you ever make the mistake of leaving a tissue in a pair of jeans? No drama. While Moreen can’t retrieve them for you (no hands, you see), Moreen commands respect, biatches. Those little snot squares stay in the pocket where they belong – not escaping to explode into super-glue-like tissue confetti.

Time Machine One time, Moreen let me lift the lid while spin cycle was going full tilt. When I gazed into the vortex created by my dirty underwear and I was able to see a full 15 minutes into the future. It made me even more excited about the sammich I was about to have for lunch.

Money Laundering I once washed a pair of pants with notes and coins totaling around 16 Dollarydoos. Moreen was kind enough to take all the notes and shrapnel and place a nice crisp 20 Dollarydoo note in the front pocket.

Moreen Sweats Nappysan There’s no need to buy expensive powders that ‘target’ the stain, Moreen knows where stains like to hide and has ways of making them cooperate. After all, Moreen has washed approximately 7,856 kilos of clothes and has no plans of retirement.

An inspection is a must as Moreen chooses you, not the other way around.

Star Ratings: Moreen has a 3 star water rating, a 2 star energy rating and a 6 star awesome rating.

Price: 50 Dollarydoos (10 Dollarydoo discount on presentation of student card)

Questions for Moreen? Text them through.

CORRESPONDENCE:

My friend let me handle the correspondence on this one, which probably wasn’t the best idea. As i was talking to Gumtree weirdos she lost patience and sold it in under one hour on a local Facebook Buy & Sell with no mention of Moreen whatsoever. They have no idea how lucky they are.

Name Game:  Re: Washing machine. Why did you call her Moreen? It’s a bit sexist to presume a washing machine is female. Me:  That’s the name Moreen’s vacuum cleaner parents decided on. I’m guessing ‘cause it rhymed with machine. Plus, i never said Moreen was a female. Now who’s sexist? *drops mic*

Age Game:  Hi there. I was looking at your ad. How old is Moreen? Me:  I wouldn’t dream of asking Moreen such a question, but between you and me I’d guess about 40 in washing machine years. Age Game:  So how old in normal years. Me: Hard to say. But age is no barrier between Moreen and a stain. Never has been, never will be. 

ChaChing:  What’s a dollarydoo? Do you mean 50 dollars? Me:  I thought Google made asking stupid questions redundant... but here you are...

Casanova:  I’ll buy your washing machine if you still have it. I’m a student. Me:  What?! No dinner and a movie first? Is there no romance left in the world? I suggest maybe you come over and see if there’s a spark between you both first (any sparks will be emotional ones as Moreen’s wiring is faultless). Two days later... Me: Great. Now i have to explain to Moreen that some people are just jerks who think it’s ok to lead others on. There’s going to be waterworks for sure.

[asheeportwo]

A Dick In My Hands

Confession time. I actually didn’t have a Dick Smith gift card to sell, but I also didn’t much like the way Dick Smith dragged the ‘fuck it, I’ll just buy them a gift card’ Christmas shopper with them. So I wanted to see if there was a market for their ‘worthless’ gift cards and show anyone actually holding one that there’s still hope. Below is the ad i posted and the aftermath.

FOR SALE: $250 Dick Smith Gift Card* for $10

SALE SALE SALE Don’t miss the chance to score a $250 Dick Smith Gift Card* for only $10!

The ‘But My Fingers Were Crossed Behind My Back Sale’ only comes around once in a lifetime, so act fast!

No dicking around – this blows the Coles ‘10% Extra’ deal out of the water! Imagine what you could buy with $250! (probably the whole store at this point)

Terms & Conditons * The truth is I’ve been caught with a dick in my hands. And to make matters worse: it’s not mine. Let me explain. Those of you who have followed the news over the past couple of weeks would know that the ‘discount’ electronic store has gone into administration.

And what’s the first thing administrators do?... Hot dog we have a wiener! That’s right, they put a freeze on all gift cards.

So, as it stands, this gift card cannot be redeemed at any Dick Smith store, or any store for that matter. It’s basically just a piece of plastic. You’re paying $10 for a small rectangular piece of plastic. A nice shiny piece of plastic, but a piece of plastic all the same.

Okay, so right about now you probably think I’m a knob, but hear me out. At the time of writing there is still a small chance they may honour the card in the future. In fact, the nice people at Kogan.com are offering to swap any Dick Smith card for $25 Kogan credit. So that already puts you ahead $15.

So the gamble is yours: a small $10 bet for a chance to WIN $250. It seems Kogan are willing to take the punt. Are you?

Coooommme on! Let’s be honest, you’ve lost more betting your mate’s girlfriend who could piss the highest up a wall. And who knows, old Dick Smith himself might step up to the plate and turn that plastic into fantastic.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT:

After a flurry of activity, and even a few offers, I was notified that someone  had reported my ad and Gumtree (I’m guessing without reading the ad) agreed that it violated their terms and deleted it. I appealed...

Dear Mr Koala, Sir,

I have just received notification that my ad “$250 Dick Smith Gift Card* – Only $10” has been deleted because it doesn’t meet the guidelines outlined in your posting policies. It seems some gummie twerp out there notified you that “Dick Smith gift cards are no longer permitted for use”.

When I was in Year 9 we were given a book to read. It was The Crucible by Arthur Miller.

At the time I was more interested in playing football and trying to impress the girls I liked by being mean to them. So, instead of reading the book, I asked a friend to give me the gist of it, you know, just enough to get by in class.

The thing is, Mr Koala, it turned out my friend didn’t read the book either. He watched the movie thinking that would be enough. It wasn’t. The teacher, knowing that some of the class would try the oldest trick in the book, asked questions intended to trip us up. It worked.

We were found guilty of taking someone else’s account of a story (him secondhand, me thirdhand) as the truth without looking into the real facts ourselves. Coincidentally, that’s exactly what some the people of Salem did during The Crucible witch trials (if I bothered to read the book at the time).

And, Mr. Koala, I’m afraid you’re guilty of the same.

If you actually read the ad in question you will see the card still has a lot to offer and is not misleading in any way. Please reconsider your swift ‘guilty until proven innocent stance’ on my ad and reinstate it as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Adam (definitely not a witch)

THEIR RESPONSE:

After five days of waiting (I assumed they spent this time reading The Crucible, I received this response...

Mr Koala 1 – Me 0. There will be a rematch.

[asheeportwo]

No Soup For You! – Until Now

I came across this soup machine thingamajig on Gumtree the other day...

... and while i had no desire to buy it, I felt the sell could use a little sprucing. I sent the below revisions to the owner who, while a little confused, was happy for the help (or polite enough not to say otherwise).

FOR SALE: Brand New Soup Mate Pro – The Smart Man's Thermomix

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: cheap man’s Thermomix, right? You’re absolutely right. Just don’t make the mistake of confusing cheap with dumb. This is the smart man's Thermomix, too. 

It’s a brand new Jump Start Soup Mate Pro, which can blend and cook a soup in 20 minutes. It sells at most over-priced electronic stores for about $175. Check it out 

If you’ve ever had the displeasure of going to one of those Thermomix Cult Parties, you’d know the Thermomix can blend, chop, puree, mix, stir, swirl, pulp, raise the dead, crush, grind, mill AND grate. All this sounds impressive until you realise these are basically the same thing depending on how long you run it for. The Soup Mate Pro can do most these things too AND you get to keep both arms and legs. You’re welcome 

Still need convincing? Here is a completely made-up conversation Sally:  So you got the Thermomix. Fiona:  Yep, a couple of week’s ago. It’s awesome. Sally:  What have you done in it? Fiona:  Well… I made an incredible pumpkin soup the first night Sally:  Ok… Fiona:  and... I made TWO different dips for Carol’s party, didn’t I, Daryl? Daryl: F*#kin’ waste of money, Sally. 

Things the Thermomix does better 1. Makes you look like an asshat. 

Things you can do with the savings 1. Buy a yacht.

So don’t drink the Thermomix Kool-Aid, have a nice bowl of Soup Mate Pro. With the Soup Mate Pro, there’s soup for everyone even George Constanza. 

Price: $75, but I’ll go as low as $50, so let’s say $50

THE RESULT: Five days later the ad remains unsold with the original description. I’ll update if this changes/they actually want it sold.

[asheeportwo]

They See Me Rollin’

Pretty straight forward this one. I had a safety rail sitting around and I’d prefer $10 to buy myself a burger. This is the ad I put up on Gumtree.

FOR SALE: Safety Bed Rail

There were three in the bed and the little one said, “Roll over, roll over.” So they all rolled over and… no one fell out because you bought yourself this nifty safety bed rail. 10 points to Gryffindor! Why buy it? If your descendant is ready for their first big bed, but is yet to master the art of sleeping on a flat elevated surface without rolling their way to a two-foot drop, then this clever contraption of metal and mesh will have your child sleeping like a, uhh, big boy/girl. What happens if you don’t buy it? Sure you could try just lining the floor with pillows to break your child's fall, but here’s a step-by-step truth bomb from Future You as to how that would go down. 1. They fall out of bed and land unharmed on the pillows. 2. The shock from the fall makes them cry, waking you from your slumber. You know how you like sleep, right? 3. Rather than risk another fall, you bring them into bed with you 4. They turn into a little Napoléon Bonaparte hell-bent on bed domination with their empire leaving you with only a one-inch strip of mattress on the edge of existence 5. You wish we had a safety bed rail of your own to stop being kicked off the bed into free fall 6. You then go out and buy a full-priced bed rail because this one was sold to your arch enemies Sonya and Bill Why is it for sale? While my next-gen still plays a game of quidditch in their sleep every night, they are now sleeping on the bottom bunk of a new bed that puts him all of four inches from the ground. Extra features: I believe it has a never-been-used fold down function that makes it easier to make the bed (seriously, who makes their child’s bed every day?). Still not convinced? Here’s a testimonial from my two-year-old: “I not fall out. No bonk head, no. I watch ‘Hey Duggee’ now?” Next steps: Take the advice from Future You – buy this before Sonya and Bill get in first. Price: $10 or a Hey Duggee DVD Questions are welcomed via text.

THE RESULT: Not much in the way of questions on the text line as it sold in 30 minutes for a tenner. Cha-Ching! Where’s my burger at?

[asheeportwo]

TRAMBOPOLINE!

I came across this trampoline for sale the other day. The price? FREE! Of course, the first thing that came to mind (like many of you out there) was The  Simpsons (see clip below). So I contacted them in the hope that securing something that would make up for years of shaky fathering.

Me:  Oh My God! Tramapoline! Trambopoline! Krusty:  Are you msging about the ad? Me:  Sorry, yes. Still available? Krusty:  Yep Me:  And I can just hall it away free? 😮 Krusty:  Yeah, you will probably need to disassemble it first Me:  It’s ok, I’ll tie it to the roof of my car. Me:  It’s going to make a great edition to Homerland!

*** Several minutes later, after some Googling I assume ***

Krusty:  You’re playing me – the Simpsons right 😏 Me:  True, thanks for playing along though Krusty:  You’re a clown. Me:  Hahahaha I thought you were playing that role

[asheeportwo]

REAL WOOD. REAL FURNITURE.

A friend needed help selling their furniture. I raised my hand in the hope it would  pay handsomely. Here’s what went up on Gumtree.

For Sale: Solid Tasmanian Oak Furniture ·      Coffee table ­ $200 ·      Entertainment unit $250 ·      6-seater dining table with 6 suede dining chairs $500 Or take the lot for only $1,000

The Overview: They don’t make them like this anymore (seriously, the company went out of business thanks to a certain Swedish retailer).

This furniture was built from a colossal Tasmanian Oak tree, chopped down by one ruggedly handsome lumberjack wielding an axe forged from Valyrian steel, not some hipster-wannabe holding a flat-pack and an allen key.

The Coffee Table This coffee table will do more than hold your eight-month-old Woman’s Weekly, this table makes a statement. It says, “There is no coffee I can’t keep off the ground.” That’s the type of confidence you need in your life.

The Entertainment Unit Look at your TV. It looks sad, doesn’t it? That’s because it has to spend every day with a substandard furniture that it doesn’t love anymore. If you could make your TV as half as happy as it makes you every night, shouldn’t you?

The Dining Setting What has 28 legs and more sex appeal than Miranda Kerr? Your new dining setting, of course. Just check out this review. “We came over for a dinner party the other week. The food was average and the company was boring. The stunning dining table and cloud-like seat was the only highlight of a dreary evening.” – an ex-friend

Do you have a furniture-shaped hole in your heart? Fill it with solid Tasmanian oak. Text me any questions.

THE RESULT: It sold for $900. I got a Freddo Frog. Score!

[asheeportwo]

SHOW SOME RESTRAINT, CHILD

Lots of kids stuff on Gumtree. They love the shit. So when my eldest moved up to a booster seat, i knew this seat would be an easy sell. See the ad below.

For Sale: 1 Baby Seat. Great condition. Suitable from birth (rear facing) to “Dad, why do you have nipples if you don’t make milk” (forward facing).

The Full Details Congratulations! Since you’re in the market for a new baby seat, I’m going to go ahead and assume you’ve been knocked up. Way to go procreator!

With a new kid on the way, you want them to be safe. So, in the interests of full disclosure, I’d like to detail the only two accidents the Baby Seat has been involved in. Actually, ‘accident’ can be such a violent word when a car is involved. Let’s call them... misfortunes.

Misfortune #1 (not at fault): We were travelling along a freeway, 15 minutes into a 2-hour drive. I check my ‘child’ spot, but it’s too late. My child projectiled a hyper-colour rainbow over herself. It was 10 kilometres before there was a safe place to pull over.

Misfortune #2 (at fault) I was tasked with running a quick errand to the shops to pick up some milk, bread and an 8-pack of chocolate Paddlepops. My mistake was trusting a two-year-old’s assessment of their sphincter control. Using the car seat for potty training, that was hers. I didn’t feel like a Paddlepop that night.

Please note that at no time was the structural integrity of the seat compromised. My integrity was left in tiny little pieces on the side of the road on both occasions. But the seat… it’s super.

Also note that the seat has been thoroughly washed and cleaned. That said, I cannot guarantee it is free of sultanas. Those cheeky little fuckers would win any game of hide-n-seek, hands down.

Bonus Offer I’ll throw in a guided installation session, because installing a baby seat for the first time is more awkward than losing your virginity.

Price $55 or if you’re the gambling kind, you can chose to fill my car’s tank with petrol.

THE RESULT: Not much in the way of correspondence here. The mums-to-be kept it classy. The winner paid cash instead of petrol. I threw in a little box of sultanas for her troubles. I used the pineapple ($50 in oz speak) to buy some fruit.

[asheeportwo]

MAGNIFICENT METAL BOX – 50 MARVELLOUS USES

“Just throw it out,” my wife said. “It’s useless now,” she said. I proceeded to rattle off a long list of what i thought were legitimate uses for this ‘microwave on the blink’ until she turned on the stovetop exhaust fan to block out my voice. Here’s the ad i used to try and sell the box.

For Sale: One Magnificent Metal Box

Some people call it a microwave. My wife calls it broken.

But since its ‘heating food and beverage’ function went on the blink, my eyes have been opened up to a whole new world of possibilities for this Magnificent Metal Box. So rather than contributing to landfill, a.k.a. my neighbour’s back gully, I thought I’d share with you its magnificence so someone else has a chance to experience its splendour.

Some of the marvellous uses for this Magnificent Metal Box.

#08 – IT’S A CLOCK The digital clock face will keep you informed of the movements of Father Time in 12 OR 24 hour mode. You can never have too many clocks in the house. Fact.

#11 – IT’S A STORAGE BOX If you’re a regular buyer here on Gumtree, let’s face it: you’ve got a lot of junk. You’re most probably a hoarder. Lucky for you, this nifty box can feed your obsession and provide a storage solution for your crap at the same time. You’re welcome.

# 26 – IT’S A COUNTDOWN TIMER It’s revolutionary countdown feature means you can send the kids to time-out without the worry of forgetting about them for two straight hours. Again.

# 34 – IT’S A LAMP Simply open the door for instant light. Perfect for reading the displeasure on your partner’s face or guiding the way to your midnight snack attack. UmNumNum.

# 35 – IT’S A BEDSIDE ALARM Simply set the timer for 8 hours and you’ll be woken up by the soothing sound of a velvety hot chocolate. “Ding!” (smell, taste, touch and sight of hot chocolate not included).

#48 – IT’S A BOMB DISPOSAL UNIT If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the movies, it’s that a microwave can smoother one hell of an explosion. If anyone ever rolls a live grenade to your feet, you’ll be glad this microwave is close by. Boomgoesthedynamite.

#50 – IT’S A MICROWAVE! It can heat food for six seconds before conveniently powering down so you can check the temperature of your food. Stay safe from mouth burns and check your temps, people, check your temps.

ASKING PRICE $15… or a nice warm meal – your choice.

You questions? Me answers. Text me.

CORRESPONDENCE (95% REAL) There’s some real weirdos out there:

FAQ:  Does this work? Me:  Hi there! Absolutely! It has 50 marvellous uses. As a microwave (which I’ll assume your enquiry is based around) it seems to work only for 6 seconds at a time before stopping. I tried a Fonzie-style punch to the side, but it seems I’m not cool enough for it to work. Interested? FAQ:  Not if only for 6seconds at a time. Thanx

Sperm Count:  Should I send this? Hi Adam I was wondering if this is in your 50 uses for the magnificent metal box. My wife won’t let me penetrate her to make children. Apparently my sausage is too big for her bun. The doctor suggested I inject my love juice into her with a syringe. She hates it when I jack off in front of her so I need to do it before she comes to bed. I am in need of a device to store my syringe of baby maker in to keep it at body temperature of 37.5 degrees Celsius. The window in our room has an awful draft and the little swimmers get too cold. Will your box keep my cum warm?

*** I let this message slide for a day, but he was insistent***

Sperm Count:  The doc says the sperm has a short life span out of seminal vessel. The timer function will be very handy Me:  Hmm, let me check… Surprisingly it didn’t make the list. So while you wouldn’t get any points on Family Feud, I applaud your thinking (as creepy as it may be). I think the MMB would be a great solution for you. Happy with the $15 price tag?

Book Worm:  Hi I’m not interested in your microwave, but are you selling the Roald Dahl books on display inside? Me:  You Found the Easter Egg! They sure are for sale. Only $15. And they come with a bonus Marvellous Metal Box! Book Worm:  Haha You’re weird. I think I’ll pass.

No Dice:  So does the microwave work? Me:  Sure does. 6 seconds at a time for your convenience. No Dice:  How’s that convenient? Sounds like junk to me mate. Me:  You just have to think outside the box. If that doesn’t interest you I have a perfectly good child car seat for sale.. No Dice:  No thanks Me:  It can double as a pet restraint No Dice:  Don’t msg me again. Me:  Okay No Dice:  What did I just say Me:  Don’t mes… Ah you nearly got me again Me:  Oops

THE RESULT:

Still for sale! Can you believe that?! Hit me up if you’re interested.

[asheeportwo]

TV FOR BEER

Okay, so there’s a lot of stuff for sale online these days, but no one really puts any effort into the art of selling it. So i thought i’d have a go. Below is a replica of the first ad i placed on the free-to-post classifieds site, Gumtree, as well as the correspondence I received from potential buyers. The site calls these people Gummies. Disgusting term if you ask me. Enjoy. 

FOR SALE: TV FOR BEER

THE SITUATION: You need TV. I need beer. Simple. THE ITEM IN QUESTION: If a ‘smart’ TV is what you’re after, then consider this the Stephen Hawking of televisions – it may be getting on a little, but it’s still smarter than you’ll ever be. SMART FEATURES INCLUDE • 32:18 screen ratio • 813mm of diangular viewing pleasure • Wall mountable (probably) • Put away that broom handle this one comes with a remote control! • Dolby Digital sound that goes all the way to 11 (most likely higher) • Still in warranty! (guess who got sucked into the extended warranty) This Toshiba Regza (Japanese for ‘magic picture box’) is in fantastic condition and is even strong enough to withstand two Adam Sandler movies back-to-back without breaking down. I haven’t tried anything from the Twilight Saga but I’m sure it would take one for the team. NOT CONVINCED? Check out these reviews… “Our music has never sounded better than when I heard it through the speakers of this TV. Granted, I think Adam had it on mute at the time, but at least I looked amazing.” – Posh Spice “When we had to decide where to watch the footy, I always suggested Adam’s place because of this TV… and the quality beer in the fridge. I always just brought shitty beer over and drank his. I don’t think he ever noticed that.” – Adam’s cheap-arse friend THE PRICE: One carton of full-strength beer – buyer’s choice. THE EXCHANGE: Share a beer and see Khaleesi grace the crystal clear screen during a test run of your new TV. CONFUSED? If you have any questions, shoot me a text.

98% REAL CORRESPONDENCE  (I can’t make this stuff up): 

Chicken Dinner:  I’m in. Consider it sold. Hold tight the beer is on its way Me:  That was quick. Sold! A smart TV for a smart buyer ;) Chicken Dinner:  Yewww awesome 🍻

Designated Driver:  Re: TV FOR BEER. Hi there. Could you please text me model number and price? Is it 32 or 42 inch screen Me:  Well you failed the maths test but seems you’ve got the hang of this texting business. It’s 32” but sold already. I’ll let you know if the beer doesn’t arrive. Or if they try and give me light beer 😖 Designated Driver:  Thanks for the msg. I asked for the price because I don’t drink and never offered or gifted any alcoholic beverages to anyone. You could have got the money and buy whatever you want. Cheers and have a good day. Me:  That’s cool. I was just dipping my toe in the ‘beer economy.’ And the lazy ‘I don’t want to go buy it myself’ philosophy. Thanks for the reply

BFF:  What do you drink? lol Is it still up for grabs or did a mate turn up with some grog  lol…let me know if you wan to swap & we got a deal! Me:  Sold while I was sleeping. Sorry. Beer is on the way. I have broken microwave you can still use as a clock if you like. You can never have too many clocks around the house BFF:  Hahahaha bro you have made my effin year!! I didn’t know there was anyone around with a sense of humour let alone a brain too which when mixed together at times, can cause one to suffer from ‘wit’ which unfortunately for you, you have. Why unfortunate you may ask? For one reason & one reason only, you will never find a mate in this land of retards but good luck in your endeavours of finding those that appreciate you 👍🏽 Me:  That’s deep man. At least I have you, right?

Late To The Party:  Re: TV FOR BEER. Hey mate other than how  hilarious ur ad is… what beer u looking for?... oh and is the tv still available Me:  Sorry dude! Sold. I’d take the ad down but I’m 8 beers deep and can’t remember my password 🍻🍻🍻🍻 Late To The Party:  Haha all good man … have a good one

No Regrets:  Hey Adam, was wanting to inquire about your TV – is it available? Me:  Sorry sold. But you can feed my seller’s remorse by telling me what beer you were going to buy No Regrets:  I probably would have gone for Tooheys New …or Little Creatures pale ale – why see it for beer though? Me:  Ohh creatures!! Alcoholism mainly. Plus having beer delivered sounds like the dream of kings. No Regrets:  Haha but wouldn’t you have more money to spend if you sold for a fixed price? 🍻 Me:  Addiction makes you do stupid things

Egg Man:  Nice effort photoshopping mate. *wink emoji* But you left the end of the cord in the pic 😂 Me:  Hey you found the Easter egg. Congrats 🎉 Egg Man: What are you talking about. The only egg is on your face! Me:  I’ll go wash my face while you Google ‘Hidden Easter Egg’

THE RESULT: Success! Huston, we have inebriation.