as told by asher

asher hemmings. 25. music producer. la, boston born. known dramatic. trouble maker. constant rule breaker. committed button-pusher. flirtatious realist.

[jeanqrey]

#director of the Parks Department Sass™

[dailyuppereastside]

[jvdesfm]

even in his late teens and early twenties jude had never been an antagonistic person–he’d never gone out looking for drama, never started fights for the sake of starting fights, and he’d always had decent enough control over his emotions that he was usually capable of handling disappointment without lashing out at people. this is perhaps why it doesn’t even cross his mind to find a new dealer now that xyla’s fully turned her attention to asher rather than himself. yes, it hurts a little, but he’s old enough now to have made very sure from the beginning that he didn’t let himself fall hard enough for it to do much more than that. also, he likes asher. and he cares about xyla as a friend he wants to be happy more than he cares about chasing a crush. the problem, of course, is that he hasn’t been able to shake the weird feeling that there’s tension between them lately, and he realizes he might be making it up in his head, but he doesn’t think so. in his typical fashion, though, he does his very best to ignore it. 

“d’you know, someone asked me the other day why i buy from a dealer? i mean with the dispensaries and all that,” jude says in a tone of voice that lies somewhere between disgust and amusement. he’s just finished rolling a joint from what he’s just bought from asher, and the strawberry rolling paper he’s using is brand new as well. he hits it and passes it to the other. “i said, the fuck d’you mean, why do i buy from a dealer? you think i have any intention at all of giving this government more than i have to in taxes? not bloody likely.” // @asherxhemmings​

[asherxhemmings]

The bond between Jude and Asher was unlike it seemed. Asher being the possessive person that he was, maintaining a friendship with someone who had previously slept with his girl seemed unlike him. But, Jude was a different breed. The two matched each other with their laid back behavior and their love for all things artistic. Their interactions always fulfilled the void that Asher had for intelligent conversation in this city. Jude was smart and cunning and Asher would be a fool to pass up a friendship over a girl, right? After all, with Xyla in his bed at the end of the night, there was no need for jealousy. Asher had won the battle after all. 

Watching the other roll, Asher leaned back on his couch as he inhaled the crisp fumes of the bud. It was so distinct in nature, so unique in dignity. Most people would deem the smell intolerable but the two had both grown used to scent and found a bit more calming that anything. “The government wants to regluate everything, man. Sure, buying from a dispensary you know exactly what you’re getting. But, having a good dealer is the same thing.” Asher took the joint from the other, inhaling a hit himself before relaying it back to Jude. “I’m not worried, though. I have loyal customers that keep me in business.” Asher winked at the other, running his fingers delicately through his hair. He wasn’t sure how at this point in the game, Jude hadn’t spilled the beans about his side hustle to Xyla. He was grateful for it, meaning the two spoke very little about Asher. That could be a good thing, right? If they didn’t talk about him, that meant he wasn’t doing anything wrong. But that also meant that they could have been sneaking behind his back, not paying much mind to him. Asher shook the thought away. He didn’t want to pay mind to his jealous thoughts. “What’s up with you? Haven’t seen much of you lately. Was starting to think you find a new plug.”

[asherxhemmings]

cityxgarcia‌:

to be fair, she was entertaining her own desire by staying in the mans company. a desire for something different, and asher was such a unique individual (and yes, very pleasing the the eye). “i guess so.” city encouraged, delicate fingers lacing around her refilled liquor. at this point, it tasted like juice. the alcohol had numbed her tongue, and she swore they were the death of her when she had too many. “what brought me here?” the brunette repeated, before continuing to answer his query. “i’m born and bred LA blood. i never left my hometown, so unfortunately, no fun story there. my parents, though, they were young and in love and moved here from mexico. they wanted a better life for me. what about yourself, handsome?”

“You’ve never thought about leaving?” Asher chuckled a bit. He always considered LA as a final destination and not so much of a starting point. It could be considered a stop along the way but anyone in their right mind could only find themselves falling in love with the city of Angels. “Me? I’m from Boston, not that I associate myself with New Englanders. They’re loud, generally impolite and overall an awful breed. It’s not all Good Will Hunting, you know? They think worshipping Tom Brady is a personality trait and that every holiday calls for getting alcohol poisoning.” Asher did not speak very fondly of his hometown, to be frank, it didn’t hold a place in his heart anymore. The whole region only reminded him of an awful time in his life that he was exactly eager to discuss. “We can’t all be so lucky to be born and raised in Cali, though I don’t know how I’d feel about all the tourists.”

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

for a moment, all cassia could feel was the beat of her heart rapidly picking up speed as asher fired off insult after insult. she wondered if he got tired of being cold, or if he had pictured their encounter going like this. she found it hard to focus on what he was saying, and easier to focus on the fact that she was going to panic. cassia knew better. she shouldn’t have come to the bar to mingle with the locals. she had to stop doing that, but thinking about it – she’d been doing it for the past year. this was the only time it had turned volatile.

“no, i don’t think we could ever work again,” she stated, avoiding all eye contact with the male. “i never said anything about us working again. i said i would always love you, which again – not in love with you. even as you scream in my face and taunt me, i know that there’s someone deep down in there who gives a shit about how he treats people,” cassia was struggling to keep her composure. her chest grew tight, and she wanted to run. that would be the safest thing to do, wouldn’t it? they could pretend this interaction never happened and go back to ignoring each other’s existence, but she knew now, something had changed within her.

as he advanced towards her, she suddenly remembered that no man had ever intimidated her before, and took a few steps forward to meet asher. “past tense. i was not in control. unlike you, i’m in control. i wasn’t always, but i am now, and you are the poster child for loss of control right now,” she was blunt, but not angry, at least not outwardly. “what are you gonna do, asher? huh?” she raised her brows in question. “hit me?”

cassia took a final step forward, leaving only a few inches between them. “you’re gonna hit me? just like you’ve always wanted to ever since i lost control? just like you wanted to when i’d get drunk at some party and do something stupid? hit me like you think i deserve it? take a fuckin’ swing! i dare you.”

Cassia’s behavior was instigating to say the very least. She never had backed down from a fight because though she was little, her hear roared like that of a lion. As she egged him on to hit her, he did not react as she probably expected. Cassia had probably anticipated him putting hands on her, leaving her with a few bruises a story to tell. But as the words hit his ears, his chest ached with a familiar feeling. This was prime example of how the two knew how to verbally spar and get beneath one another’s skin. Though it seemed Asher was only one who was being insulting, it was clear Cassia was also capable of this type of banter. 

As her instigating behavior continued, Asher ran his fingers through his hair savagely, cupping his ears in frustrating. He took a step back, he had to. This was all so familiar. But this was not a page taken from his and Cassia’s story, no. This was a scene from his childhood playing out right before his very eyes and this only made him feel like his dad more so. “I’m not my fucking dad!” He finally found the will to speak, heart thumping loudly to the point he could feel it’s pounding effects throughout his entire body. “I’m not going to hit you! I’m not going to hit anyone. That’s not me, Cass! I’m not him.. I’m -- I’m just not. God, Cass. I open up to you and this is what you do? Is that what you do, just break me down?” Asher rambled, crumbling as he did so. 

This whole interaction was emotionally exhausting, Asher could acknowledge that on both sides. Walking past her, he sunk onto the sofa, running his hands over his face. He never expected his night to go the way he had. He didn’t even view seeing Cassia again as a possibility. He had never thought ahead this far. Maybe if he had, this whole thing would have gone a bit more rationally. “What are you gonna do, huh? You gonna tell my girl I kissed you, ruin my life, sell my secrets to any desperate reporter? Go right ahead, Cass.” He finally removed his hands from his face, sitting upright to look at her. 

[asherxhemmings]

zpetras‌:

“I can’t tell you you’re wrong.” Zelda said simply with a wary smile. She had no idea, to be honest. She loved many people, and felt loved by many people - but romantic love? Zelda only had hope. She liked to think that she had been in love, but has she been loved? Her guess was probably not. “I think people love people…but I think it’s very rare that they love the right person at the right time in the right way.” She takes a long drink. “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt.” She said after a pause. Thoughts swirl in her head about everyone she’s missed. When it came to romance, Zelda flitted from feeling to feeling so often it nearly gave her whiplash. Her interest was hard to pin down, and she hated that about herself. A sigh leaves her lips. It might be a long night for her. “We’re so young,” she mused, “I’ll be loved when i’m older and wiser.” A small smile plays on her lips - a real one. Cerulean eyes twinkle with a tired kind of amusement. “I know we’re supposed to just drink and fuck until we’re thirty, and not worry about anything else, but I guess it’s not that easy.” 

“What makes you think I’ve been hurt?” His tone was a bit defensive. This probably insinuated he had in fact been hurt. But, Asher always viewed himself as the heartbreaker and not necessarily the heartbroken. To be fair, he never considered the concept of heartbreak within his own self. The only true break-up he’d never been apart was not pre-meditated. It was a choice that universe made for him and the man couldn’t mourn that which was meant to be lost. At her mention of drinking and fucking until their next coming decade of age, Asher couldn’t contain a small chuckle. “I never thought I’d say this. But it gets a bit old. I fuck in need of a genuine connection that I never get. And even if you see potential in someone, they’re not ready to be tied down. Emotionally, not physically. It’s a vicious cycle until we all settle.”

[asherxhemmings]

xylavilla‌:

“Ou, add a pair of khakis to that outfit and I may not be able to keep my hands off of you,” she teased, a smirk forming on her faded lips. Xy followed him back to her desk and leaned against the hard wood, her ass on the edge as she faced him sitting in her chair. Up until that moment, Xyla hadn’t realized how much she missed him over the winter holidays. This was in part due to the constant stream of parties she attended, extended family members running through their home, and time spent catching up with her sisters and parents, but at night, when she went to bed, she missed the warmth of his body and the comfort his voice brought to her. For the past couple of months, Asher had been a constant in her life. And while their relationship had begun our of pure chance and maybe a bit of boredom, it blossomed into something that Xy would trade for the world. She cared deeply for him, there was no doubt about that. Asher made her happy, encouraged her to do better in all areas of her life, and was always by her side when she needed him most. Since landing back in LA, she had been counting down the days until she got to spend time with him again.

Xyla shut her laptop and pushed it to the edge of the desk before carefully unloading the contents of the take-out bag. As she pulled out each container the scent of all the the herbs, spices and various sauces wafted in the air between them. Her mouth began to water as laid them out on the desk. “Home was alright. Quinn is drowning in her undergrad but she’s pushing through. She actually has a boyfriend now and he came over for our Christmas Eve party. He’s an idiot so I hope it doesn’t last, but she seems happy for now. And Rowan is the same as she’s always been, trying to control every aspect of our lives. And my parents are alright. Mom wants to renovate the entire kitchen and my dad thinks a sports car is a good investment. To me it sounds like going through their mid-life crisis’ but if I said that to their faces they’d kick me out faster than you can say Villanueva,” Xy rambled, laughing a little at the memory of her time back home. It felt nice to talk about intimate things such as family life with Asher, when once upon a time all they really talked about was sex and the next time they’d have it. Letting him in on this part of her life, and his interest in those that meant the most to her was reassuring that things were moving in the right direction. “No hometown man. The only man worth talking about was stuck in his empty LA Hills mansion,” she continued, her lips curling into a smirk.

Now that she had mentally clocked out of work, she reached up and pulled her dark hair from the bun it was held in. She let her hair fall down her shoulders, and shrugged off the deep purple blazer that lay across her shoulders, allowing her to put work behind her and enjoy their impromptu dinner date. “What about you? How were your holidays? Kiss anyone under the misletoe? What about at New Years?” She wondered before digging her fork into her favourite pad thai.

Listening to Xyla speak about her family made his lips curl into a sweet smile. He fought back a flush of pink in his cheeks as he chuckled at what she had to say. “An idiot, huh? Is he more of the scrawny stoner with half of a braincell type or a frat boy whose morality is based solely upon barstool sports podcasts? Hey -- do you think your family would like me? Do I check all the Villanueva boxes?” As she unloaded the bag, he laced his arms around her tiny waist, welcoming her onto his lap. It was probably not the most work appropriate thing yet he couldn’t resist. “Hey, they need to find solace in the fact that their lives are half over. You should prepare yourself, mine is quickly approaching. Absolutely no way I’m seeing a day past fifty. You’ll be widowed pretty young but at least you’ll have the rights to all things post crisis.” Asher teased, popping a spoonful of fried rice into his mouth. The brunette probably hadn’t expected the man to be so nonchalantly insinuating that he was going to marry her. But as of late, it seemed like that would be the outcome of all this. After all, whenever he imagined a future for himself, Xyla was the brightest part of it. In this moment, he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it and seeing her with someone else simply wasn’t in the cards. “No longer empty. I’ll have you know it’s full furnished and ready for you the next time you come over, given that this mystery man in the hills is me.” A smirk pierced his lips as he pressed them to her shoulder ever so gently. To say the very least, it was amazing to have Xyla back in his arms. 

Watching as she freed herself of her blazer and laced her hair into a messy bun, Asher watched her in awe. It was so rare for him to be so immerse in someone as he was with her. Even in other relationships he’d been in, they never seemed as genuine as this situationship did. His eyes locked to her, he listened to her words with a bit of remorse flooding his body. Was he supposed to tell her about seeing Cassia? It was innocent, right? He had nothing to be guilty about. They simply ran into each. People run into each other all the time. But, the kiss would certainly be a harder thing to explain. A nervous laugh bubbled from his lips as he debated his next move. “The holidays are always a weird time for me. I spent a lot of time working while all of my clients were with their families. Spent some time with Jude. I actually, uh, ran into my ex at a bar. You can probably guess how awkward that was.” To be fair, Asher expected Xyla to be a bit shocked. He’d never mentioned Cassia and with good reason. If he did, he’d have to open up about their toxic past as well as the skeletons in his closet. It was easier to drag the past to hell and leave its corpse there.

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

without saying a word, cassia let her arms fall from around asher. she took a few steps backward to put space between them. her breath hitched in her throat, embarrassment washing over her. her cheeks flushed a deep pink, and she looked away from him. whle she had meant every word she said, she was sure it didn’t come out the way she wanted it to. “stop,” she whispered, barely audible. she felt a sudden cold, almost like after something scares you and you’re recovering. “stop, please,” cassia whimpered, closing her eyes tightly, hoping he’d stop talking.

“i do love you. i have love for you. that’s not the same as being in love with you. we have history. i’ll love you for all the good times,” cassia stated, no emotion in her voice. she was tired. there was no other way to describe it, but she mustered up the courage to reach for asher’s drink and pour it into the trash can. she would’ve drank it if she didn’t. cassia placed the empty glass on the small table and started to turn on her heel when asher continued.

she ran a frustrated hand through her hair. she felt like she’d been talking to a wall, because mere moments ago everything seemed fine. it was all fun and games until it got real, and then it was a full stop. there was so much anger behind his voice, and cassia couldn’t handle it anymore. “do me one last favor –” she was gathering her purse and her phone. “do not hurt her the way you hurt me – and i don’t mind when you gave me the drugs. i mean tonight. stop drinking. this could’ve been a completely different situation if we were both sober. don’t make the same mistake i did and end up in fucking rehab, asher. it’s been great seeing you again, but i have to go or i’m going to rip the bullets out of your pocket and put the gun in my mouth.”

It was a tale as old as time. Those expressions like you’ll have son just like you or you’ll grow up to be just like your parents were all coming to the surface. In his intoxicated state, all he saw in Cassia’s face was his mother. A kind soul who didn’t know what she was getting herself into. As she pleaded ever so quietly, Asher wanted to cover his ears and escape the situation in it’s entirety. He simply folded his arms against his chest and stared at her lesser frame. This whole evening was as equally as triggering for the both of them. He felt so naked and exposed. He felt like the scared little boy that he had been trying so hard to escape all these years. But despite the feeling all of these things, he was apart of a vicious cycle. Asher was becoming his father. 

Her admittance of love sounded more like a plea deal, a surrendering. Her voice had little emotion, so numb to all the thing they’d put each other through. Alas despite the lack of sensation, his heart ached. “Things change, Cass. You’ve tried to chase these storms for so long you became one. Now you’re better. So what’s the use in trying to chase another?” Asher’s voice was firm. He truly did want was best for her, even if he needed to be so cold. Deep down, Asher knew he wasn’t the best man he could be. That being said, he couldn’t let her be blinded by the mirage of a man that he was. “You don’t think we could ever work again, do you?” He asked, half wanting to know the answer and the other half a bit daunting in nature. 

Watching her pour his drink out made him chew the inside of his cheek. Asher was pretty drunk at this point, explaining his questionable behavior. A gust of anger took over him as he listened to her speak, thanking his lucky stars that he was a far distance away from her. Who knows what he was capable of otherwise? “I’d never treat her the way I treated you.” Asher huffed, narrowing his gaze at her. To her, Xyla was a mystery woman. A complete and utter concept. Cassia must have believed his words were easier said than done. But had Cassia met Xyla, she would have known she was far more than that. As Asher stood there, he couldn’t imagine getting this out of hand around Xyla. She kept him grounded, kept him sane. He wanted to stable around her. But in the midst of Cassia, he’d forever be a hurricane. “I don’t need to stop drinking for anyone. Who are you to say anyways? Unlike you, I’m in control. I always have been.” Asher challenged, taking a few steps closer to her. 

[listenuppnow]

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

this happened every time. without fail, their arguments lead to passionate sex or in the worst case scenario, using. the second choice was no longer an option, and as asher’s hand brushed her cheek, she leaned into the touch and met her lips to his. with every ounce of passion she could muster, cassia kissed him. it felt just as electric as it had when they were together, perhaps even more so since asher had been forbidden in her mind for so long. as she pulled back, she lightly caught his lower lip between her teeth and tugged softly. she let go and opened her eyes, staring directly back into asher’s own hues.

“every time,” she whispered, unable to move her hands from around his waist. there was a magnetism she couldn’t explain, but also a pang of regret in her chest. she didn’t even know if he was single. the old her wouldn’t have cared, and there was a big part of her that still didn’t, but the drugs weren’t clouding her vision this time. cassia tried to kick that thought from her mind as she rested her head on his chest momentarily, evening her labored breaths from kissing him with the beat of his heart.

her eyes fluttered to a close. “i’m sorry,” she whispered as softly as she could. “i’m so sorry, asher. i have never loved anybody the way i love you, and i don’t know if i ever will. you say you handed me the bullets but you also kept me stable longer. did you know that? i knew i had someone to come home to… i wasn’t alone anymore,” she said all of this without looking into his eyes, knowing if she did she would just kiss him again. “i was so lonely, i didn’t know how to cope. i was using shit before you came around, partying every night, but none of them were there in the morning. you were. and no, i never stop talking. it’s gotten worse because sober me has more thoughts. i’m sorry.”

Asher wasn’t sure what this kiss meant to her. But to him, this kiss was a thermometer. A measurement to gage her temperament as well as his own. He longed to know if something still existed her. But as his lips peeled from hers, a wash of regret set in. She tasted of yesterday’s mistakes. Where there was once fireworks, he could only find himself envisioning closing ambulance doors. These arms around him did not feel like hers, they served as a reminder of the feeling of a paramedic tugging him away from the gurney that appeared as more of a casket than anything. This wasn’t him anymore, nor was this her. “I’m sorry.” A monumental moment, an apology coming from the lips of one Asher Hemmings. It may have been the first time she’d even heard him utter the word. It came as more of a blind impulse than anything but it held great meaning. Taking a step back, he brought his hands to his face to wipe away the unidentifiable look he wore. All he could think of was Xyla. “I shouldn’t have -- I’m kind of with someone. The last thing I want to do is fuck it up.” Remorse was clear in his tone as he spoke. As far as he was concerned, Cassia was the past and Xyla was the now and likely the forever more. 

“You said love me.” Asher spoke pointedly. It was probably and oversight of her behalf but he couldn’t shake the use of the present tense. “You don’t still love me, do you? You can’t. You don’t know me. I’m not that bad intentioned, self-serving plug anymore. I’m not anything I used to be.” His words were spoken with intensity because even if he did still have a lot of the same qualities, he’d never admit to it. Asher Hemmings was the peaks of his successes, the awards, the praise from his colleagues. He kept his dealing affairs private, he wouldn’t dare let it get so out of hand again. He was a better man now and Cassia’s eyes for a looking glass into the past. “We weren’t in love. You loved the drugs and the attention. I loved the sex and the parties. That wasn’t love.” Asher’s words were cold. They were in no way the truth, but he could certainly convince himself it was. 

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

at this point, cassia wasn’t sure what asher wanted to hear from her. despite her speaking her truth, he was upset. she refused to lie to him. what good would it do? in the long run, he’d find out and be even more upset. instead of retorting about fear, cassia simply kept her lips shut tight. running her mouth would not help the situation, and she’d learned sometimes silence was louder than screaming, no matter how badly she wanted to let it out. cassia hadn’t felt any of these feelings in such a long time, and they felt fresh and new, but she’d only opened an old wound.

“asher… asher, will you fuckin’ listen for a minute?” cassia urged, tugging at his hand like a child. “you want to talk about taking credit where it isn’t due? i would have found the drug whether you supplied it or some random fucker on the street. are you hearing me?” practically pleading, cassia shook her head and looked away in an effort to save face. his use of the past tense when it came to the word ‘love’ hit her like a ton of bricks, and all she could do was bite the inside of her mouth to distract herself from crying.

his change in demeanor scared her. she had never felt actual fear in asher’s presence. he was her safe haven for so long. as his finger gently pressed her lips, she reached up and pushed it away, refusing to be silenced by the man. “if it’s not about me then why the hell did this all come up when i came crawling out of my rehab cave?” she inquired, desperation in her voice. she got her answer as he explained his past, and cassia felt her heart drop.

it was a lot to take in, but she didn’t crumble or run to comfort him. that was the last thing he wanted, cassia was sure of it. “you didn’t deserve it. you know that,” she mumbled, almost monotone. “i’m sorry that you had to go through that. i really am, because it’s shaped you into who you are today. you are a good person with a lot of misplaced guilt,” she closed the gap between them and wrapped a loose arm around his waist. cassia looked up to meet his gaze. “but if this is what happens when you just see me… if i bring it all back, then i need to stay away. i won’t be the reason you hurt anymore.”

This whole conversation brought Asher back to the toxicity of their relationship. In most ways, they were so similar. The two were so stubborn, so hot and cold. It was crazy to think after all these years that they’d both grown so much yet found themselves stuck in their old ways when it came to one another. As she grasped at his hands, he could feel his wrists tense. From the outside, the two probably looked deranged and the only explanation for that was simply because they were. They drove each other so blissfully to insanity. “Yeah, I fucking hear you.” Asher barked, staring down into her face. Both their tones matched to degrade one another as they fought for the upper hand. No one would win nor would either of them wave their white flag in surrender. Instead they stood with weapons loaded on this battle field of the past, only reminding themselves what brought them here. 

It was alway apparent to Asher that Cassia always thought she knew everything. This was not necessarily a bad thing. It meant that she was confident in her intelligence. But when it came to her thinking she still knew Asher, it was the furthest thing from attractive. He couldn’t believe he was opening up about his abuse after all of this time. Her vulnerability made him crumble and he could feel the emotional exhaustion this interaction gave him tearing him apart. Asher would never do this in a sound state of mind. But this was no a sign of trust, this was a sign of weakness. 

Her reassurance was unsettling to him. Surely it was supposed to be comforting but he couldn’t find solace in his past. Children are supposed to be loved, they’re not supposed to be the subject of life lessons. As he felt her delicate arm lace around his waist, he couldn’t help but grin. Though she spoke of leaving, they both knew she didn’t want to go and vice versa. “Do you ever stop talking?” Asher whispered, bringing his hand to cup her cheek. His eyes met her concerned gaze and he couldn’t help himself. All this talk of addiction and this one right here went unacknowledged. The two were both addicted to that which was unhealthy for them and old habits are hard to kick. Without much though, Asher brought his lips to hers and kissed her longingly. The motive behind it was unknown to him as he did so, he just felt as though he had to. Pulling just his lips again, he began to speak quietly once more. “You didn’t fuck me up too bad. Don’t give yourself so much credit.”

[axizzled-deactivated20211221]

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

“i was afraid you wouldn’t pick up,” she responded, an incredulous look on her face. “when i thought about calling you, i thought about you not picking up, and how much that would hurt whether you were actually busy or screening my calls. i thought about leaving a message, but then i realized you wouldn’t be able to call me back, and you’d be left without closure again,” she sighed, exasperated. they were having this whole conversation at the bar, and she wasn’t really comfortable with it, considering the intensity of the subject. she climbed down from the bar stool and beckoned asher to follow her. cassia headed to the back of the bar, where there was a quieter lounge area. no one was back there, which she silently thanked whoever was up there controlling everything about. cassia took a seat on one of the couches, cuddled up to the arm of it.

part of her also brought him away from the bar because she couldn’t bear to see him drinking because of her. it was always her fault. she knew that. the guilt ate at her every moment of every day. she felt it towards asher, towards city, towards saige, her moms, her baby sister – no one she hurt deserved it. seeing the repercussions of every mistake she made was a lot. she thought the quiet lounge would be better for the conversation, but she started to regret it. cassia could hear everything inside her head in that room.

“i’m sorry,” she whispered, her gaze held on something else in the room. at that point, she wasn’t even sure if she was staring at anything in particular. anything but asher was good enough. “well, you should talk about me,” cassia stated, snapping out of her trance. “you should tell everyone what a miserable sack of shit your ex was, and that when you met her, that part of her was there, just hidden away. you didn’t know that, did you? i hid it so well!” she gave a dark chuckle and shook her head. “you didn’t kill the innocent part of me, ash. she was never there,”

they were at a bar. all of the triggers were there. they just needed to be pulled and she’d have a drink in her hand. “do you know why i love heroin?” cassia asked, using the present tense of the word, because she would always miss it. “you don’t feel a damn thing. you ebb and flow through everything. there’s no happiness, no sadness. cocaine? i’m up, i’m thinking a mile a minute. weed, i’m resting, there’s not a whole lot helping. speed? same as coke. but heroin – oh, there’s nothing like feeling absolutely nothing at all,” cassia explained. “so when you met me, i was using anything i could to try and numb it all, but nothing worked. when i shot up… it worked. i felt miserably sick, but i felt nothing mentally. and i’m sorry that my self medication lead you to do the things you’ve done,”

he spoke about how he had started using when she overdosed, and the flood gates opened. “no, no. baby, no,” she got up from the couch and crossed the room to him, putting an arm around him gently. “no, i didn’t mean to do that. i didn’t! i didn’t think about anything but silencing the demons in my head. i was selfish and had no right to do what i did to you, and i’m sorry, asher. i’m so sorry and i know that saying it doesn’t mean anything because i fucked you up. i fucked so many people up. so please – don’t ever try to take the blame, because it was all me. you don’t have to talk to me or see me ever again. i’ll walk out now, if that’s what you want.”

Asher couldn’t help but shake his head. His emotions were like a seesaw, flipping between being angry and being sad. They were both being felt with an intensity he couldn’t regulate and listening to Cassia talk about the ‘what ifs’ only drew him closer to rage. “Fear is never a good enough fucking excuse.” His words were strong, loud and haunting all in the same breath. Life had not been the kindest to either of the two but they played their cards with poker faces nevertheless. If Asher had learned anything from his unfortunate upbringing it was that you couldn’t be afraid. As Cass walked from the barstool, the man followed her with hesitant steps and his hands tucked away in his pockets. He very well could have not followed, could have turned to the door and left but something about her had and always would leave him wanting more. He sunk beside her on the couch, his hand effortlessly finding her thigh again. 

As she talked negatively of herself, his dark eyes rolled as he rested his hand against the back his couch. “Can’t do that. Wanna know why? Because if I tell someone about what actually happened, I have to tell them I had a hand in it. It’s no exactly the easiest thing admitting that you had a hand in almost killing the person you loved.” Asher took a hefty breath. Dealing started as a side hustle while he was in college beginning with weed and blow and quickly progressing into bigger things, harder things. His supply had become in such high demand that he had lost control, losing sight of the things he loved most because of it. He lost sight of Cassia, and that almost cost her her life. Now here he was, dealing again behind Xyla’s back. You think he would have learned his lesson. 

Addiction was a hard thing to explain but Cassia did it with poise. She didn’t have to explain addiction to Asher, he knew all about it first hand. Asher never did anything but smoke with her because he was never the drug type. He was simply a distributor and it worked out that way. His true vice was alcohol and this was something that Cass had witnessed first hand. She’d saw him drink an entire bottle of tequila and pass out on the bathroom floor. She’d seen him skip all means in order to get intoxicated quicker. She’d probably noticed those habits. But when you’re in college, it’s all in good fun, right? Those are the funny relatable stories you tell your friends. Nobody thinks they’ll acquire an addiction, it happens when you act on the impulse engrained in you. But, Asher was good at hiding his addiction that he’d surely acquired genetically and not so much behaviorally. He did not say one word while she monologued about her addiction, he sat still. Patient. Dismissive of his own behaviors. 

As Cass sprung up from the couch and began frantically apologizing, Asher rose to meet her. His demeanor was surprisingly calm. He watched pretty emotionless as she blamed herself for his brief pill popping behaviors. As her rambling came to a close, Asher took a step towards here, a sinister chuckle bubbling from his lips as he raised his finger and pressed it against her lips. “Cass, this isn’t fucking about you.” His voice was chilling. So soft in nature that it could nearly be mistaken for affection. Asher took a step back and let his arms fall to his sides. “My dad wasn’t the best person. My mom was a stripper who worked at his club and he knocked her up, was probably fooling around with the other staff too. He didn’t want me.” Asher didn’t seem sad or mad while he spoke, simply numb to the situation though he never opened up about it to anyone. “I thought it was normal, you know? I thought everyone’s dads hit them. I thought everyone had a mom who didn’t stick up from themselves or their kids, you know? But, my dad was a drunk.” Asher wasn’t looking for sympathy. He was just giving her an explanation as to why his mind was in complete disarray. “Spent my eleventh birthday in a hospital bed because I tried to defend myself. I haven’t seen my dad since. This is his mess, not yours. Don’t take credit where it isn’t due.”

[asherxhemmings]

xylavilla‌:

Xyla had now been living in Los Angeles for 8 years. It was a long time for anyone to live anywhere that wasn’t their home town. While she thrived in LA’s social scene, blossomed at work and maintained a healthy, and exciting social life, there was nothing like going home for the holidays. It was great. There were so many things Xyla hadn’t realized she’d missed since moving away. Her mothers cooking, dad’s stupid jokes, and her little sisters singing. Though she could have definitely gone without her older sisters’ nagging. She had grown accustomed to waking up later in the morning, lounging around in stretchy pants and making last minute plans with old friends and extended family. Christmas came and went, and before she knew it, so did New Years. After two short weeks in windy Chicago, her time away from responsibilities and clients quickly came to an end. Now, Xyla found herself behind the fluorescent light of her laptop screen, long after most people in her office had gone home for the evening.

Xyla’s fingers typed away at her keyboard, writing ‘one last’ email for the night when she heard two light knocks on her office door. Before she even lifted her head, none other than Asher waltzed right in with a smile on his lips and a big, brown take-out bag in his hands. Xyla’s eyes squinted in disbelief and a light laugh bubbled form her lips. He was the last thing she expected that night. With award season upon them, she figured he would be busy with artists, organizing appearances and attending fittings for events he would surely be invited to. But instead, he was in the middle of her office holding a brown take-out bag, looking as handsome and sexy as ever. She was genuinely surprised he had come in the first place. It was unexpected from him. These .. romantic gestures, weren’t something she thought he did. But instead of question it, Xyla welcomed the kind act as a step in the right direction, especially after their last  real conversation before the holiday season. Moving her hands from her computer, she quickly fixed her hair, hoping it wasn’t in complete disarray, before getting up to greet him with a gentle kiss. “I think I’d be ordering way too much take-out if I had you as my delivery man every time. Though, I wish they’d put you in a cute little uniform. That would definitely help sky-rocket your career,” Xy continued, smiling up at him. “Especially if you’ve brought me what I think you’ve brought me.” Her perfectly manicured fingers reached for the take-out bag and peeked inside. The smells of her favourite take-out restaurant instantly wafted in the air and her stomach growled in response. 

A undeniable warmth flushed Asher’s cheeks when he saw his favorite smile light up the room. He had grown a bit envious of Chicago in the last few weeks knowing that they city had such a ray of sunshine in its presence. But now that she was back, it was definitely going to hard to focus on anything but her. Asher was in quite high demand in his work space as of right now but in this moment, he wanted to simply silence his phone and devote his time to her. He hadn’t been doing enough for her and this was his opportunity to make it up to her. Watching the woman arise from her desk and gracefully cross the floor, Asher fitted his free hand in the groove of her waist once she reached him as he returned the soft kiss. Surely he colleagues were gawking from outside of her office with expositive windows but it felt good to give Xyla something to brag about or something for those in her office to be jealous of. “I would look sexy in a fitted polo, wouldn’t I?” Asher wrinkled his nose at her with a smile, his hand effortlessly pulling her a bit closer. As she grabbed for the bag, he released it from his grip. “Well, I figured after weeks of eating nothing but Chicago’s famous deep dish pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner that you’d be craving your favorites.” Pressing his lips to her temple, he snaked past her and sat down at her desk. “Me and the thai food, of course.” Asher’s eyes scanned her work station with a smile that hadn’t truthfully left his lips since her entered the room. It was just as organized as he had expected. Tape dispenser and stapler parallel to one another, color coated sticky notes stuck to some stacks of papers, a cute holder for her paperclips and so on. The whole thing took him back to the first night he went to her apartment, the first time seeing the way she lived. Her office was professional and proper but cozy and welcoming in the same breath. “How was going home? How are Quinn and Rowan? Your parents? Your hometown man?” Asher teased, looking toward her as he leaned back in her chair.

[asherxhemmings]

cassiias‌:

she mentally kicked herself the moment after she’d told asher to slow down. perhaps sober her was more concerned about other people’s well-being? she was unsure, but spit a quick apology. “i’m sorry. i know it’s hypocritical,” despite the fact that she hadn’t touched a drink in over two years, but it all slid away quickly. everything felt natural – so natural that she wanted to climb over to his seat and curl up with him. this wasn’t what she expected in the slightest. if cassia was honest, she thought this conversation and instance would be volitile. they hadn’t left on the best of terms. in fact, it couldn’t have been worse. had the paramedics not administered narcan, cassia was sure she would have died – and what kind of break up would that have been?

cassia sipped from her pepsi, listening intently as asher went into detail about how their relationship went. “no, no,” she shook her head back and forth and put her hand up, almost as a signal for him to stop speaking. “something i learned while i was away was that i really can’t… place blame on anybody but myself. when i first got to the center, i really hated you,” she admitted. “i had so much time to just sit and think. i was in my head constantly, which i guess is the point of rehab, right?” cassia breathed a laugh. “but i went through hating you because you kind of, as you said, gave me the bullet. i wrote so many letters out of anger. i wanted you to hurt, asher, and you know that’s not me. i don’t want anyone to hurt like i was hurting.”

the tension was thick, but if she didn’t get all of it out, she never would. “i ripped them all up, but there were so many, you know? i couldn’t take accountability at first. i was sick as a dog, angry, and ready to bust out of that place and relapse. it took months for me to get out of that head space. i was so mad at you…” she trailed off. “but this one night i had a break through. i bawled. i wanted to call you but didn’t think you’d answer. i wasn’t mad anymore. i was ashamed, and i wanted you to know i never meant to put you through what i did. you didn’t need to hold me while the ambulance came. you don’t need that kind of trauma,” she stated, exasperated.

naturally, the tone switched as asher joked around, and she was thrilled. a grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. “i loved every morning i woke up to you, poodle and all. you had to deal with drool puddles, so don’t apologize for messy hair,” she stated, and without thinking, reached forward to run a hand through his now shorter, tamed mane. her hand fell back to her lap, and she gave a dreamy smile. “i’m so proud of you. a house… god, and you deserve it, you know? you work hard, even if you lose track of it sometimes, you always find your way back. i’m just so, unbelievably proud of everything you’ve done. you wouldn’t have gotten to do these things if i had still been here fucking you up.”

her grin only widened. “i don’t know if you’d like living with me, but i’d move in any day. i’m teaching dance now, so i have to practice a lot… and i’ve kind of jumped into the youtube scene. i have a small following, but not small enough that i don’t get recognized,” she rolled her eyes a bit, shaking her head. “written any songs about me lately?”

Breathless. Asher was truthfully taken aback by all of the emotions spewing from the girl beside him. She was practically a stranger but now as she spoke, familiarity covered her featured and he was brought back to the last time he saw her. It was emotional, a train wreck. His thoughts ran a mile a second as Cassia continued to speak and the only thing he could feel was anger. To be fair, it was his immediate response to any stressful situation. Perhaps he learned that from dear old dad. Cassia could probably see the anger bubbling within him as she spoke by his tensed jaw and veins that ran down his arms begging to be recognized. Sweat pooled on his palm that still cupped her thigh. He wanted to hold her tighter to relieve the tension that he was feeling. But Asher knew he couldn’t. She was worlds away, she was better now. And who was he to get in that way of that. 

“Fuck Cass, why didn’t you call me? I needed to know that even if you fucking hated me that you were okay.” The crack in his voice was enough to show that his anger was transforming into sadness. This whole thing was sad to say the very least. Hearing the only person you’ve ever truly loved open up about their struggles with recovery, knowing that you only had a hand in their demise and not their success was a hard pill to swallow. Dark eyes avoiding her gaze, he grabbed for his glass and took down a substantial gulp before looking down at the hard wood on the bar. This whole situation was a lot to take in. Was he supposed to tell her that this was all okay? Were they supposed to accept each other’s unspoken apologies? Asher brought out the worst in her and vice versa. So why were the two entertaining the idea of being civil? It didn’t take a meteorologist to see the storm nearing in the distance if the two tried to bury the hatchet. 

As the alcohol ran warm through his veins and sadness tickled at his Adam’s apple, Asher cleared his throat to speak. “I never talk about you.” Asher said bluntly as he wet his lips. He raised his chin so their eyes could meet, despite everything good in him begging him to look away. “I haven’t. I can’t, Cass... I just -- can’t. When you went away, I stopped selling. I drank, took pills, did anything within my control to stop fucking thinking about holding your nearly lifeless body in my arms. It’s heavy shit, Cassia. I have survivor’s guilt even though you’re still here, as if I killed the innocent part of you.” Asher took a deep breath. As much as the two probably wanted to sit around and catch up, it was nearly impossible without having this conversation. “I haven’t even thought about moving on. I don’t deserve to.”

The recollection of their times together brought a much needed smile to Asher’s face. The negative thoughts when he thought of her were suddenly replaced with the good times. The good morning kisses, the coffee shop talks, smoking together before nearly every meal. The whole thing was pretty bittersweet and as she praised him for him accomplishments, Asher just smiled sweetly and nodded. When he thought about his hard work, he thought about trying to escape the past. His life back in Boston, Cassia and so forth. His success was driven by the negative things in his life. But when he thought about that house, he thought about Xyla. He thought about all the selfless things she did to make it a positive space for him. Xyla was his saving grace that kept him grounded and that kept him where he needed to be. So, why was he flirting with the idea of turning back the clocks? 

As Cassia went on about the success of her very own, Asher could feel his hand absentmindedly moving up her thigh as he grew closer to her. With much guilt, he just wanted to close the space between them. This whole situation was just so confusing. “That’s great, baby. I’m happy for you.” He said without much thought. The word rolled off his tongue with little hesitation as he looked into her eyes. “No songs, lately. I like to pretend you don’t exist.” Asher wrinkled his nose at her playfully.

[asherxhemmings]

cityxgarcia‌:

She couldn’t help the warmth that crept up to her cheeks, a glow that never ceased to appear whenever flattery was directed towards her. It wasn’t that she had no self esteem, because god did she, it was more the fact that Asher was extremely handsome. And to be frank, quite possibly one of the most attractive men she’d seen in a long time wandering around the nightlife of LA. “I’m not supposed to say.” City joked quietly, leaning in to speak to him as if it were a secret, her eyes sparkling with excitement. His touch on her bare skin was gentle, but refreshing in the heated environment. It wasn’t until her gazed towars her glass that she realised it was empty, and the warmth in her chest (and stomach) had grown. She was well and truely tipsy now. Eyelashes fluttering slightly, she returned her gaze to Asher. “You staying for another?”

A witty response was not quite what Asher had expected from her. Most girls in this city would tell you anything you wanted to know from their childhood trauma to the type of toothpaste they use. As heinous as it sounded, it was relieving to find someone with their guard up. Someone who left a hint on a mystery. “Guess I’ll have to find out on my own.” He retorted smugly. The look in City’s eye as she questioned him was telling. He knew it’d be bad to stay. A few more drinks and his decisions would be pretty unpredictable. But something about the girls charm glued him to the seat. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I can do that.” Asher said softly, nodding at her spoke. The bartender provided them with another round and the man braced himself for another drunk night on a barstool. “This may be a typical LA question but, what brought you here? I don’t want to hear some bullshit story about chasing your dreams. No one just leaves their hometown and what’s comfortable for a job. Something pushes you away.”

[asherxhemmings]

zpetras‌:

She has always liked bars. She spent a good amount of time in them, despite the fact that she didn’t even drink often. She loved it, though, she loved sitting with a club soda by herself. She loved to listen to everyone around her, she loved striking up conversations with strangers. Zelda was drinking this evening, but slowly, periodically taking small sips. Gentle fingertips tapped against the wood of the bar and Zelda’s lips quirked into a smile. Such passion - she loved to see it. The couple slurred insults, and it filled her heart with a lovely sort of melancholy. “That depends on what you consider genuine love, I suppose.” The girl murmured. “That kind of love?” She tilted her head in the direction of the couple. She took a slow sip of her drink, considering. “I’ve been in that kind of love.”

What was genuine love to Asher? That was quite the weight question. He didn’t have any very good examples of love. His parents were the furthest thing from in love and if the question of whether he’d actually been in love left lack of an answer. His blooming relationship with Xyla was the first thing that came to mind when he thought of love, despite his catalogue of sexual conquests and even a handful of exclusive girlfriends. “Love is a social construct. Nobody actually loves one another as much as we lead ourselves to believe. It’s a reflex to the strong sense of jealousy that lives within all of that causes us to act possessively.” Asher sighed and took a swig from his glass. It was better to be dismissive of the feeling of love rather than acknowledging it. Poker face down, Asher was afraid of love so he pretended not to believe in it. “You weren’t in love, I don’t think any of us ever will be truly in love. Because that’s not love.”