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You think someone like me who knows pain and still risks to give her heart to you knowing full well this means she'll be fucked up if you left but thinking you'd be worth the pain if worse comes to worst and you do leave and hopes and prays with her whole heart that you never leave, would still hesitate between you and someone else? You've always been the only one for me.

How could YOU believe I thought that shit when I planned things for you for months? When I talked to my family about you even though I never ever even thought about doing that before? When I did everything to show you I love you? When I held onto you when you tried to break up with me? When I'm still holding onto you now? When all I did was ask you to spend more time together? When you can see how this is killing me all over my face? How could you believe he even crossed my mind at that time? Cause the truth is he didn't, he never crossed my mind at all, I never wanted to go back there and I never ever will.. all I wanted was to be with you and rid us (you and me) of that shit but you're missing way too many details and all I've been trynna do was tell you about them.

Nothing happened the way you think it did, you know I was waiting for you to talk.. I'd been telling you to let me know as soon as you could back then..

You're saying you weren't thinking of leaving, you're saying I got wrong info, and you got wrong info too, I never thought about it, never wanted it, never said it, and actually never ever would.. all I ever thought about was you and how I wanted to be with you.. how I actually wanted you forever..

Sleep doesn't come to me anymore either if that would prove anything to you, not even the occasional hours I used to normally get, not even anything.. I never stop thinking about you or us or what we had or what I wanted to have with you or what I still wanna have with you, all I ever do is lay in bed and think about you, reminisce about us, and pray anything changes.

You're not a fool, you never were and never will be, I'm only saying you're missing so many details, and according to you I am too, so I just sit there every single minute of every single day wondering why we don't listen to and believe each other when apparently only we have the right things. And yes, I am heartbroken over this, it is killing me cause you're not here, it is killing me cause I fucking love you, don't you get it?

Do you know how excited I was just to have you around on that day this year? Just to be with you? Just to literally have you there? I was excited for 6 fucking months until you broke up with me and decided to leave me behind even before any of this happened.. they kept telling me you've wanted to break up for a long while before you actually did.. they told me you already wanted to leave and were just waiting for the right time and do you know how much that hurt? To be waiting to make so many memories with someone only to find out they've been wanting to leave for a while and everyone already knew except for you? It made me feel so small and stupid and unworthy of anything at all..

None of the things you think is true.. I wasn't even hiding it I was only postponing it and you know the time really wasn't right for any serious talk, but I still tried and realized it wasn't a good time to have a serious talk (when I started with telling you about how I used to self harm), I tried to tell you I only postponed it but you didn't stop to listen.. but you've gotta believe I never even thought about leaving you, you've gotta believe I never thought about you as anything less than enough.. you were always all I needed and you still are and I never compared you to anyone, cause to me you're all I want and no one compares to you..

I wanted to give you every single good thing in the world.. I still do.. I still would.. but now all I do is wonder if you'd ever want it anymore..

No one in this fucking world has any advantages over you, I said this and I'll keep saying it time and time again until you actually believe it, until you actually stop believing things you know aren't true, until you realize I meant it every single time I said you were more than enough for me, until you believe I do love you with all my heart, until you stop listening to anyone who isn't me and start realizing it's all bullshit.

I told you way too many times I know what it's like to feel unappreciated and I'd never ever make you feel that way, so do you really still believe I'd do that shit? You really do believe I'm okay? You really still believe I don't care? Cause if you do then think again.

I did every single possible thing to show you love and appreciation and I meant every single one of them and I never thought you'd do this to me, I never thought you'd believe this shit about me cause you know me, you know how I am, you know the things no one else knows about me, you know how I do things and how I think about things and you know this isn't me.

The only explanation you really need is the truth.

perrfectly

““Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed””

— Friedrich Nietzsche (via imposer)

I have way too many questions and even more things to say and it's literally making me angry that you're just listening to others and accusing me of things I didn't even do instead of listening to the whole thing from me, getting the whole truth, then making your own decision.

Cause right now you're telling me I cheated? Me??? Cheat??? I mean, why would I??? If I wanted to leave I WOULD'VE FUCKING LEFT BUT I DIDNT WANT TO AND I DIDNT LEAVE!! Instead, I always told you you do not compare and meant it, that you were always so much better than anyone else and meant it, I talked to you more, wanted you around more, told you more personal stuff, got to know you more and got you to know me more, wanted to spend more time together, told you I loved you more, thought about you and about how to make you happy more, told you things I never talk about or tell anyone because I didn't want us to have boundaries between us, I wanted us as close as possible, and now this? You're ready to listen to like 5 different people who ARENT ME and trust them to speak ON MY BEHALF and not listen to me? We both know things would change if you just listen to the whole thing from my side so wtf?

بدأت احلم بيك واصحى استوعب كل حاجه تاني.. بس بجد بقيت اصحى اقول لنفسي انا عارفه اني غلط بس طب هو فوسط كل اللي كنا فيه مش ممكن حاجه واحده بس حتى تفتكرها وتخليك تصدقني؟

"الاحضان هي الحاجه الوحيده اللي مبتكدبش"

Heard this in something and all I could think about was how I always hugged you like my life depended on it, and it did feel like my life depended on it, it did feel good and warm and cozy, it did feel real, it always took my mind off anything, made me feel peaceful, like I was loved and in love and the world was a much better place between your arms.

It also reminded me of those times I hugged you tighter than usual, for longer than usual, and I could FEEL how much I loved you.. I could feel how much you meant to me.. I miss that..

I know I made a mistake, I know I fucked up, and I do realize what I did... I know I deserve every single thing I'm feeling now, but when this came up in my music shuffle all I could think about was you and how this is how I really love you.. this is how I'm willing to own up to my mistake and do all it would take to ease your pain.. this is how I'm willing to do anything if only to make you believe I do love you and that I did mean everything I ever said or did when we were together.

"For you I'd bleed myself dry."

If only life would give me one last chance at proving how guilty I feel about doing it, how I realized anything I said back then wasn't true right after saying it, how I knew it was a mistake as soon as I did it, how I spent the time after it knowing it was a mistake and thinking about what I can do to fix it, and how much I love you.

All I wanna do right now is pull you closer to me and let you take your anger and pain out on me in any way that would make you feel even a little better than you do now.

#Spotify

"In this world, it's just us."

brittleigh-deactivated20250113

I want to make you feel so loved that you forget everything that caused you pain in your life.

bnmxfld

“I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time.”

— Franz Kafka (via bnmxfld)

At the end of the day I hope it's always us and our "I love you"s

I'm only putting this here cause I wanna read and remember it later but today you were done solving your exam and I could see it from my peripheral vision when you looked at me for like a few moments and I don't really know if you meant it or not but I just wanna remember that those few moments made my heart skip a beat.

“I think you’re a brilliant golden sun in a sky that’s only ever known the black and starless night.”

"And you say, as long as I'm here no one can hurt you."

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