As I sit in Soho Square drinking an iced latte I wonder where the fuck it all went wrong. I just spent nearly £15 on a pack of Sobranie Black Russian cigarettes. I figured if I was gonna take up smoking I might aswell smoke the colour of my dismal future. I have managed to grow such a small amount of self confidence in my 26 years on this planet that I can’t even find the courage to ask someone for a lighter to light one of these posh cancer sticks. You could say that I’d reached a point in my life, like many of my friends, where I am lost and confused. When we are in our teens, cocky and green eyed, we expect to have our shit sorted by the time we are in our late twenties. Turns out that’s not so much a reality. Since hitting 20 I have literally had every job you could possibly imagine, some more glamorous than others. I’ve watched friends get married, have kids, go back to school, change career paths and accomplish great things. I’ve watched people around me collect awards and achieve chart success. Apart from anything else, your late twenties is when shit starts to get real. In our twenties we learn about our ambition, and the reality of a harsh existence in a small industry in which nepotism is alive and well. Of course I’m talking about the entertainment industry. If you haven’t been born, fucked or married into it, then you have about as much chance getting in as you do becoming a 4’10, obese, international supermodel. There are thousands of people hustling everyday in London, but none of these people are satisfied. If you manage to book one job as an actor/dancer/model etc then the excitement is overwhelming for around an hour, then you turn up to set, do what you’re asked, then you go home unemployed. It’s like a drug, and I sometimes wonder if people are, in fact, addicted to the drug of instability and the danger of constantly living in the unknown, more than they are the actual performance art they specialise in. I have a friend of mine who is a beautiful, talented performer who has managed to carve a very successful modelling career for herself, but she is unfulfilled. She feels like her talents are going unnoticed because she is essentially just a human coat hanger, she isn’t allowed to express herself, but in fact, depress herself to be mouldable by her clients. But where can she find the satisfaction she is searching for? In dance? Commercial/backing dancers are nothing more than record industry props. You can enjoy dancing, sure, but how do you feel when you look at your surroundings and realise you are just a piece of moving set. It’s the same with commercial acting. I worked for a short while as an actor in the commercial industry, and while the money is quick and easy, the acting side of things are wooden and controlled. Every single move is monitored by a whole production team on behalf of a client that is paying you to be there to promote a product. A product you might not even like, and you may not even believe in the companies values, but because you have bills to pay, you’ll be the guy that sits on TV and smiles while holding that product. I have another friend of mine who is an incredibly talented performer, and who managed to work in the West End. A lot of people within the industry, would kill to appear on a West End stage, they go to audition after audition, thirsty for the chance at treading the boards. My friend was playing the part of Humpty Dumpty in a show. After years and years of training she gets to run around a stage dressed as an egg, eight shows a week for a year. Now, don’t get me wrong, you may be thinking, what an easy way to make money! But I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about artistic integrity. It’s very rare an unknown performer will go into a lead part in a show, as they will always draft in a talentless celebrity over anyone with real talent, because in this fame obsessed culture, no one wants to see a show without a face they recognise starring in it. We are living in a society now, in which no one is willing to put any money into anyone young and fresh with talent. Lets look at the highest pinnacles of the industry, TV, film and music. These industries have been a well oiled machine, running for over 60 years. We, unfortunately (for some), are around the third generation from when this all began, and if your parents or grandparents weren’t involved before you were born, the chances of you finding success are incredibly slim. Recently I have been looking at people who inspire me, and who I look up to as young, successful individuals, who have something honest to say in their art. I relate to these people, and I believe that I have so much I want to share with the world. I don’t want to be ‘famous’ as such, but I believe that I was put on this earth to make a mark. So how do I, a boy who was born in Essex to a full time mum and pipe-fitter-welder dad, make it against those who have parents as casting directors, producers, agents and successful performers/artists themselves? It’s all genetic lottery, and for this we can’t complain, and for the record, I wouldn’t change my family for the world, but what I am starting to question is artistic identity and measure of success in an industry that is, wholly, like walking into a private family function, unannounced, with no friends at the event. Is it actually possible to break into this industry relying solely on talent? I don’t think so. In my opinion, if you don’t know anyone, then you better be fucking beautiful, but then we return to the genetic lottery again, so blame your parents! I have been lucky and equally unlucky in my artistic career. I have had opportunities that some may envy and I have also had opportunities snatched away from me. I have worked hard, and I have been lazy. I have been positive, and I have been defeatist. I am just a normal person, who is bursting at the seams with creative energy to share. I do believe that my twenties has brought a jack of all trades out of me, and I am hoping that soon the master of one will come to light, I am looking for inspiration and guidance, but truly, what is the next step? How can I get some stranger to believe in me? Who do I have to sleep with to get an audition? What do I even want an audition for? What is the goal? I have numerous questions constantly running through my mind. I have a complicated brain that is constantly asking me, what’s next? I never let myself rest and I always wonder where to go from here, but right now, I feel broken and exhausted. I feel like I have been played and tested for years by an industry that has given me nothing back in return. I feel like I have searched every avenue and explored every forest, but I am finding it hard to see the wood for the trees. One thing I do know, however, is my truth, and my truth is that I am an artist. Whether in work, or out of work, I never stop. I see art in all places and I don’t need a pay cheque or a blue tick to verify that. Your talent shouldn’t be verified by your status in a corrupt and broken industry, and remember, those who you may look at and envy, may not be truthful. As if this industry wasn’t all smoke and mirrors enough, the world of social media has enhanced that tenfold. I recently got asked by someone who is ‘verified’ on twitter if I was interested in also getting a ‘blue tick’ and if so, it would cost me £5k. FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS to be ‘verified’. I think the only thing that would need verifying after I’d sent that cheque would be my sanity. However, apart from shocking me, it deeply disturbed me. This person had spent £5000 on a ‘blue tick’ on twitter because he wanted people to perceive him as successful and established. Now, I have to admit, I am guilty of online ‘fame fraud’, in which in the past I have paid for fake followers, so people perceive you to have a bigger following than you do. This is normal practise, especially in the music industry, where fanbase and image are everything, move aside vocal and writing talent, I wanna see how many twitter followers you have! However, buying followers works out at about £20, so not quite as foolish as £5k (I reassure myself). Still, it disturbs me because it is the ultimate search for reassurance and acceptance, and this kind of search is ultimately a wild goose chase that will have you incredibly unhappy in the end. This story is just a small snippet of how important online presence is to people, and has taught me how we should take everything we see online with a pinch of salt. Comparing yourself with others online is self destructive to the max. It will destroy you as a person and as an artist. I have done it for years, and I think, as a performer it is impossible not to, but as long as you believe in your truth, and in your talent, then you will stay sane. No one can reassure you better than yourself. Just remember that commercial success, online stature and financial gain are not reflective of talent, and the sooner we believe in that, the richer as artists, and more satisfied as individuals, we will become.
