Hi! I've been wondering about the so/sp/sx aspect of the enneagram. I've been assuming I'm sp/so, because I'm aroace and thought that meant I had to be sx-blind, but I really don't relate to any sp stuff I've seen--like, at all. Is it possible to want a sx-bond that has nothing to do with sex or romance? And how do you tell the difference between the so desire to maintain an image and social anxiety? (If it helps for reference, I'm an INFP 9/5/maybe 3, no clue about wings)
Let’s simplify it in terms of, how do you survive?
Lions are social cats. They bond together to ensure the survival of the pride. Soc thinks in these terms – I survive in relation to my position within the group. What group it is depends on the person who uses soc. Soc for one person might be their peer group, their social contacts at work, their friends (I can always call on one of my social contacts when I have a need, and they will meet it), or their family. As a soc-first, my own mindset is “if the family survives, I survive.” I am willing to give up resources, time, and effort to ensure the survival of my family. I am “family first,” everyone else second. That’s my soc.
You know that wolves mate for life, right? They choose and stick with the wolf that attracts their eye. They are fierce but also dependent. If you feel like having a partner is essential for your survival in the outside world, it’s likely you have sx. Sx is not always about “finding a mate,” it’s about a wolfish instinct about who you are drawn to, who is “your kind of person,” who you have instant chemistry with, who maintains your interest the most, and who you can pull energy from, on a one-on-one basis. Like a wolf seeking intensity from their mate. If you feel incomplete without a romantic partner, you likely have sx.
Although mother bears are highly protective over their cubs, sooner or later the cubs leave to have their own life. Bears are not very social. They live alone and roam over enormous swaths of land. Their look after themselves first. It’s all about storing up enough fat to survive the winter through hibernation. SPs are like bears. It’s about their physical, emotional, and financial needs. Those come before anything else. SPs want total independence and usually maintain it. They shut out anything that threatens to infringe on that. I care for myself.
Which combination are you?
You should have a sense of identity with one of those right off the bat, which means it is your core. To determine the second instinct, look at what you would do “next” in order to survive. Which one would you gravitate toward first? Some Enneagram teachers (including Rohr, who I think is the best) believe you use all three instincts in terms of those three areas of your life (soc in social groups, sx in romantic relationships, and sp in independence), but that your first instinct comes the most naturally to you, and your second is where you would go if you couldn’t use the first one.
As an example, I’m so/sp. I know this because when I think how I intend to survive if my soc (family) ever fails (financially, or they all die), I instantly think about independence vs. a romantic partner. Given a choice between sx and sp, I would choose sp / independence – I would find it more instinctive to look after myself (and already do) than to find a partner.
Does that help you understand it better?