Carl Bernstein

Reporter for the Washington Post

[ask-bernstein]

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is Carl Bernstein from the Washington Post. If there are any burning questions that plague the masses, feel free to come to me or my accomplice: @ask-woodward.

Disclaimer: this is purely for fun.

[ask-bernstein]

hey kitten. do you want to do the bdsm (bondage, derivatives, & salacious mathematics)

Of course.

[ask-woodward]

Find the derivative of f(x)=(x-2)/(x^2+3x-1). Go.

[ask-bernstein]

-x^2+4x+5/(x^2+3x-1)^2

[ask-woodward]

That’s my good epsilon. Do you think you’re ready for something more? A new rule? Chains, perhaps?

[ask-bernstein]

I would love to be filled with more knowledge.

[ask-bernstein]

hey kitten. do you want to do the bdsm (bondage, derivatives, & salacious mathematics)

Of course.

[ask-woodward]

Find the derivative of f(x)=(x-2)/(x^2+3x-1). Go.

[ask-bernstein]

-x^2+4x+5/(x^2+3x-1)^2

[ask-bernstein]

hey kitten. do you want to do the bdsm (bondage, derivatives, & salacious mathematics)

Of course.

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[ask-woodward]

Do you and the source have a conflict of interest 🤨

[ask-bernstein]

Of course not! I just highly agree with the source’s sentiment.

[ask-woodward]

The same way you don’t have a conflict of interest with Benedict Arnold?

[ask-bernstein]

Just because we all have great hair doesn’t mean there’s a conflict of interest!

[ask-woodward]

I spy some pretty major conflicts of interests…

[ask-bernstein]

What do you mean “short, rat, pathetic, whimper?”

[ask-woodward]

Are you asking for a demonstration

[ask-bernstein]

*?

You need to add a question mark.

[ask-woodward]

What if it isn’t a question. Kitten.

[ask-bernstein]

Then you would need a period or exclamation mark. Captain.

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[ask-woodward]

Do you and the source have a conflict of interest 🤨

[ask-bernstein]

Of course not! I just highly agree with the source’s sentiment.

[ask-woodward]

The same way you don’t have a conflict of interest with Benedict Arnold?

[ask-bernstein]

Just because we all have great hair doesn’t mean there’s a conflict of interest!

[ask-woodward]

I spy some pretty major conflicts of interests…

[ask-bernstein]

What do you mean “short, rat, pathetic, whimper?”

[ask-woodward]

Are you asking for a demonstration

[ask-bernstein]

*?

You need to add a question mark.

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[ask-woodward]

Do you and the source have a conflict of interest 🤨

[ask-bernstein]

Of course not! I just highly agree with the source’s sentiment.

[ask-woodward]

The same way you don’t have a conflict of interest with Benedict Arnold?

[ask-bernstein]

Just because we all have great hair doesn’t mean there’s a conflict of interest!

[ask-woodward]

I spy some pretty major conflicts of interests…

[ask-bernstein]

What do you mean “short, rat, pathetic, whimper?”

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[ask-woodward]

Do you and the source have a conflict of interest 🤨

[ask-bernstein]

Of course not! I just highly agree with the source’s sentiment.

[ask-woodward]

The same way you don’t have a conflict of interest with Benedict Arnold?

[ask-bernstein]

Just because we all have great hair doesn’t mean there’s a conflict of interest!

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[ask-woodward]

Do you and the source have a conflict of interest 🤨

[ask-bernstein]

Of course not! I just highly agree with the source’s sentiment.

[shah4139-offical]

@satan-offical do all British people shag trout or is that just you

[satan-offical]

It's a regular British activity

[nixon-official]

...The more time passes, the more I realize I dodged a bullet when my relationship with Paul McCartney didn't work out.

[ask-bernstein]

“I think if you ran a lesbian over with a pickup truck, a Ford….and gave them bad fashion sense, and a concussion because they were run over by a Ford, I think you would get George W. Bush”

The sources are speaking in riddles :(

I think the sources may be onto something.

[seren-starlight]

They're rebuilding him

[apollomission8]

@jfk-update have you heard about this???

[jfk-update]

Maybe we’ll finally have some new updates

[bitchard-nixon]

I’m still searching for the “it’s pride month Henry you know what that means” “vat, do you vant us to gay war crimes”

[bitchard-nixon]

I FOUND IT

[ask-bernstein]

Would you be a darling and find the derivative of 6x^7+3x^4-6x^3-5x for me?

42x^6+12x^3-18x^2-5

[ask-bernstein]

Is this and the Woodward account run by the same person or are the arguments entirely natural

The Woodward account is run by my boyfriend so the arguments are essentially natural.

[ask-woodward]

No they’re run by the same person. He wishes he had a boyfriend, but I am just a figment of his imagination.

[ask-bernstein]

I’m going to take you to the Base Pro Shops pyramid.

[alulathelight]

Doomed president yoai

[ask-bernstein]

Is this and the Woodward account run by the same person or are the arguments entirely natural

The Woodward account is run by my boyfriend so the arguments are essentially natural.