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Bonus Features! Rom Com is now available. Order online or head to your local bookstore and cry until they order it into the store.

Thank you to everyone who came out for the launch and to those who helped us with the events, the book trailer and the general fun times! You’re all a bunch of cuties.

Advice on freshening up marriages and public displays of affection.

Are you horny for emojis?

#romcom #canlit

Ask Dina and Daniel 1 - Hashtag Love

#bonertown #whoseholeisitanyways #ithoughtwewerefriends

Rom Com Book Tour!

Hi friends,

We are coming your way, please join us for fun times!

Montreal: October, 2 - Drawn+Quarterly

Toronto: October, 8 - Belljar Cafe

Vancouver: October, 15 - Hot Art Wet City

Cat Trouble in Lesbian Love Nest

Dear Daniel and Dina,

My partner and I have different cat-rearing ideas (yes, we’re lesbians). She insists on making the cat lie down before he is allowed to eat – he has to turn away, too, as if he’s about ready to move on from the idea of eating, before she taps the floor, indicating he may now approach the bowl. Even when the cat is feeling particularly feisty, she still doesn’t give up, repeating, “Lie down, Travis. Lie down,” for up to half an hour! But there is a big age gap between my partner and I. Are older lesbians just more strict with their cats? He was my cat first, but I don’t really want to pull rank. What should I do?

PS. My partner is wearing a cat-print apron as I write this. Perhaps just to endow herself with more cat authority??? Could she be that devious???

Dear Cat Trouble in Lesbian Love Nest,

When it comes to cats, pull rank pull rank on cats because you are human and cat is cat, and I have never met a lesbian that didn’t have enough cats except Morgan, but you don’t know Morgan because not all lesbians know all lesbians, but all cats know cats, and your cat is telling other cats about lying down before eating and other cats are like, “nah, you can just eat” and now your cat is learning about cat rules. I had a dream I had a cat once and it laid down on my heart until it was ready to consume me. When your cat lies down, imagine it lying down on your heart, and how does that feel? Now imagine yourself small enough to be cuddled by your cat. When it comes to love, do not pull rank. There is no power struggle between two lesbians in a love nest, only cats lying down for snacks.

Dear Dina and Daniel,

Does being middle-aged mean a midlife crisis is inevitable? And what does that look like for a pudgy, average mum?

Dear P.A.M.,

It looks inevitable, like an insult. But it doesn’t look like a convertible, like a pool boy, like a leather bomber. It’s not obvious, prescriptive.

It actually looks in the mirror more often, says, “Meh,” to voices in your head, forces young, topless men to cross-stitch

“PUDGY,” “AVERAGE,” and “MUM” on racer-back tanks. They wear them while they craft complicated life solutions at your request.

It looks like sex acts you’re comfortable with, with anyone that treats your whole self a million times more seriously, affectionately than they’d baby a stupid, expensive vehicle.

It looks like a chemical reaction, imperceptible to some, tiny fireworks snap and break skin into a new beauty, a body that bursts through doors.

It looks like taking back, taking in, taking hold of whatever you’ve lost. Toss what still needs tossing. It looks gorgeous, a custom-fit turmoil.

Dear Dina and Daniel,

Are monogamy and true love outdated concepts? Also, do illiterate people get the full value of alphabet soup?

Thank you, Wants to know

Dear WTK,

Monogamy is the illiterate alphabet soup. It is the I, I, I, I, I, I, but not the U, or A, or E, or O, or sometimes Y. I am just an I standing in front of a U asking that U to add an A, or E, or O, or sometimes Y. Do you believe in the need for sometimes Y? If you do, then you no longer need to worry about monogamy and true love. If you prefer to keep your alphabet separate, if you like to pair them off in separate bowls and only eat two letters at a time split between hundreds of bowls, maybe you can accept monogamy into your heart. Have you ever been to an orgy of letters? Have you ever tried getting f'd in the b? I have. Have you ever fallen in love with two people at once, and now you have to choose. You have this U and this A, but I is all Y, Y, Y, Y. I guess I only have more Q’s than A’s. The real Q is, do you need more than I and U?

Dear Daniel/Dina,  

No one ever explains to you when you are falling out of love that you should pay attention, that you need to remember some things and forget others. Like for example, you shouldn't forget about not leaving bread within the dog's reach because you will still take care of him—albeit not very often—and when you do, he will still break your last nice dish (leftover from a relationship you left behind a long time ago). But I'm not writing to you for advice about the past necessarily, more so for a word about the future. I mean, I'm not just writing to YOU about the future. I've also been going to see psychics, and having friends casually read my cards on occasion. At some point, if you pay attention to your future long enough, someone is bound to tell you something about how you will fall in love and get married and that there will be two children but to wait until you are 35 and then it will happen and by the way don't marry the first guy but the second (even though you prefer blondes) because the second one will be the keeper.  

So, regarding the future though, the other thing I wish someone had reminded me about is how fall back in love. That's the advice I need. How to fall in love. It's not too much is it? I mean I've tried some of the simple things - meet up with friends and go places in hopes that a new friend of friend will come along. Go to a foreign country and drink alone in a bar. Ride a motorcycle to the beach, and hang out in the sun. Take your dog to the park on a Sunday afternoon. Get a job where you have to wear nice clothes and stand up in front of people so they know who you are. All of these things have been great, but I still haven't figured out how to parlay them into love, per se. Or even a date, actually.

  I wouldn't want you to think I don't love ANYTHING. I mean, I love donuts. And discovering new places. I love talking to people and laughing out loud. I love that satisfactory post work beverage. I love helping people do things they love to do too. And learning. Pizza? My dog. Donuts. Did I say that one already? And I LIKE a whole bunch of things. My friends. Watching the X-Files. Even work. I like my work! Almost all of the time, and for real. You get the picture. Actually, I probably should just copy and paste this into my OK Cupid profile but I deleted it after the 5th super boring bad date.

  In any case, for whatever reason, possibly my extreme awesomeness and definitely not because I'm still a bit shy, and somewhat impatient, I have not yet fallen back in love, or had a good date. It's been a while. Longer than a few years.   Just wondering about the advice, since you offered.  yours,

Waiting For Love Again

Dear WFLA,

I'm supposed to write a poem, because that is what we do, Dina and I (It's definitely Daniel here), we write poems. And we write poems about what to do, and sometimes it isn't real advice, and sometimes it isn't true. But you are real, and this advice is true, and I learned to fall in love, and it wasn't who I expected, and he is not my current boyfriend, who to me, looks like the future (If you're keeping count, he's love number 4).

I used to wonder about how to fall back in love. I used to try and fit profiles into boyfriends, and men I loved for a night into men I loved for a long time and those were not poems either. I write poems, because poets are supposed to fall in love and I wasn't in love, and for so long maybe I wasn't writing poems.

Someone told me once, and I will tell you, that when you lose all patience for love and it stops becoming a question that you will find what you are looking for. I guess that isn't a poem either. One time I stopped asking questions that begged specific answers, then love fell out of the sky. He didn't love me back, but it was a memory game, and I was probably that princess who builds ice castles around her lonely heart, and he melted it all away and I wanted to take my heart and wrap it around his because he was floating away. But you're still looking for something that you call the future.

I went to the future once and it wasn't what I expected. It was more like a poem than this. When I got to the future, you were there, and you weren't asking the question of how to fall in love, all of your questions were poems that didn't ask for answers. I could work backwards from your future to now, and give you all of the answers, but then, well, that wouldn't be a poem, would it?

Dear Dina and Daniel

I'm concerned that the friend I'm sleeping with hates my dog. Should I try to make him love my dog as much as I do?!

Sincerely,

Air BnB Buddies

Dear Air BnB Buddies,

Friends with benefits must love adventure, must love the outdoors, must also love briefly being indoors. Must love kindness, compassion and even your most judgmental tweets. Must love the tingle of must. Must love dew drops on your pillow. Must love their own knowledge of boring subjects. Must love rock. Must love rocks. Must love. Must love the law of attraction. Must love unconventionally attractive people. Must love star-gazing, but the celebrity kind. Must love staring deeply into eyeballs without blinking during missionary. Must love doggy style. Must woof into the early morning. Must kick, whimper and rustle out of the sheets while dreaming. Must wake up to poop with enthusiasm. Must love dogs.

Dear Dina and Daniel, I watch gay porn. A lot. Sometimes with my granola in the morning. Sometimes in the bathroom at work. I’ve been known to fire it up in public places such as ferries and buses where no-one is the wiser. I have my favourite coterie of freshly-scrubbed boys with their pink holes and taut hairless scrotums. Ecstasy is but a new browser window away. But I must ask this: Does gay porn love me?

Dear DGPLM,

Gay porn loves you it will tell you this during a summer sunset.

Gay porn loves you the way the ocean crests the shore, infinite.

Gay porn loves you. Knows your birthday. Calls every day.

Gay porn loves you, spoons you and your rage at night.

Gay porn sees you, the real you, the one you keep hidden.

Gay porn loves you but gay porn has a shitty memory and always forgets your name.

Dear Dina and Daniel, I am trying to decide if online dating apps are for me. I am a single woman who works a lot and has a lot of friends, but I’m considering this as a romantic meeting option. How do I know if I should be using a dating app? Sincerely, Yearning Over Love Online.

Dear Yolo,

Online dating apps may be for you, but first I must ask, do you love to laugh? Have you really enjoyed laughter lately? Is joy something you are into? Do you really and truly enjoy laughter to the extreme fanaticism that forces you to put it into a bio? Second question: are you down to earth? Are you so down to earth that dirt crusts your mouth, that your hair rakes leaves and you smell of earth worm? Are you so down to earth that people question the force of gravity when they see you. Do they ask you if you are ok, and if you need help to get off the ground. Get up, earth girl, we love you. Third question: do you live life to the extreme? Do you extreme life so hard that heart beats control your dance rhythm. Do you live life to the point that it feels like death wails at you from a distant shaking its death hand into the dead sky that licks at your life loving body? Fourth question: do you like long walks on the beach? Fifth question: Are you different than other girls? Are you nothing like other girls to the point that people would look at you and say, "hey, that girl is different! Check out the differences in her compared to other girls! She is so different I can barely distinguish her as a girl!" Do they look at you and your differences and say, "hey, is that a girl or a white and gold dress, I can't tell!" Do you get questions for your ability to be different at border crossings, do they ask you where you are from, do they say, "listen, I've seen girls before, and you're no girl, maybe you're an alien, or a rock, or an intangible being that emits life force from your down to earth life-loving laughter." If so, I think online dating is for you.

Dear Dina and Daniel, I'm a fairly successful, career focused, well articulated guy with a healthy work life balance, but when it comes to women, I find myself floundering when having casual conversation. How do I show the women I meet how awesome I am without feeling like I'm bragging or being a used car salesman? – Signed, Flounder

Dear Flounder (or If You’re In a Romantic Comedy and You Don’t Know What to Do You Make a List)

Dos: Feel. Feel harder. Step back and feel yourself up. Step back again. Wash your hands. Be ready to face faces that might respond with vacant boredom. Make a pro and con list about yourself. Study it. Burn it in a small alley fire and claim an arsonist did it. Consider the used car salesman, the burden of stereotypes. Imagine yourself trying to sell a used car, a used pomelo, a used body. Remember the way your own body felt used, a fleshly human body during that time you felt yourself up. Question what healthy means. Research the history of “work life balance.” Try to write a 2000 word report on your findings. Fail. Live in just a wading pool’s worth of fear. Talk to a woman like you care what will happen to her in the future, like her history is important but not wholly defining, like you might like to understand her every word. Wait for her to ask you a question and respond with honesty, fear, and little bit of used car salesmen.

Don’t:

Send a dick pic.

Dear Dina and Daniel, What do you do when you’re looking on Tinder and the photos aren’t of the actual person? What if it’s a horse or a pair of old men at a funeral? How do you make a decision on which way to swipe? What can I tell about a person from this choice? Sincerely, Horse Face

Dear Horse Face (or No One Has Ever Found Love on or Near a Horse)

When you find someone attractive you remember details. Orange flecks in the iris, a diamond-shaped indentation near the base of the ear, the way a piece of lint on their coat collar appealed. You’re sexually attracted to stray fibers.

A trend in movies about love is forgetting: 50 First Dates, Overboard, Groundhog Day.

Prepare to watch these three movies: set out three flavours of popcorn, three kinds of martinis, three wallet-sized photos of yourself. Close the curtains, watch them in the order listed above, one after another. It’s best not to take notes. Don’t give your brain shortcuts.

Wake up early on a Sunday morning. Answer questions: What were the three popcorn flavours? Which martini made your tongue tingle? Did one of the photos speak to you with your own small mouth, like a miniature ghost taunting you from your past, full of judgment and regret? What do you remember? What do you forget?

If you’ve remembered too much: giving in to the shirt your mom bought for your 8th grade picture, the confusing flavor of white cheddar popcorn mixing with Peppermintini. If you can’t help yourself, start a dream journal about Goldie Hawn in the 80s. If this is you, then you swipe left. You’ve done enough questioning.

If at any point you remember Andie McDowell being talented or charismatic, you swipe right. She is forgettable.

Dear Dina and Daniel, I have a friend who I have been hanging out with for several months, and over the time I have developed feelings for him. I'm not sure if I should tell him, or how I should tell him, since I'm worried he doesn't feel the same way. Please help. Sincerely, Girl Uncertain Requesting Love

Heeeeeey Gurl,

Have you ever considered that romance is forged on apartment building fire escapes? Hey gurl, have you ever considered holding stereos over head? Hey gurl, have you ever considered a love song on an airplane? Hey gurl, have you ever considered kissing your step brother? Hey gurl, have you ever thought about putting sixteen candles on a cake? Hey gurl, have you ever thought about going back in time and slightly altering reality so that each time you return to the present day you are both in love? Hey gurl, have you ever considered being Kathryn Heigl? Hey gurl, have you ever considered hiring a private investigator to follow your friend around, finding all of the things he loves, the things he hates, using that breach of privacy to manage your interactions and emotionally manipulate him into falling in love with you? Hey gurl, maybe you’re just a girl standing in front of a guy, slowly decaying from heteronormativity. Hey gurl, have you ever considered saying I love you?

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