Ask the Grumpy Witch

My name is Emilia Sorelda vom Quis, witch prodigy extraordinaire, and apparently I'm going to be answering your questions. Some people are trying to tell a story about me or something. If you want to talk to them, go here.

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

IT LOOKS LIKE SHPIGS ARE POPULAR

So I’m going to talk more about them. 

Shpigs are amazing. Take a pig. Put a pastel sheep on the outside. Then make it nigh indestructible. 

Shpigs are pigs with what looks like sheep wool but is actually, I have to tell you, incredibly powerful stuff. You can shear shpigs, but it takes some serious effort. The way the wool curls plus the incredibly strength of shpig-wool means that shpigs bounce like a bouncy ball. If you jump and land on a shpig, the shpig probably won’t even notice. You will definitely notice, because you will bounce like crazy, and if you aren’t careful you’ll end up a splat.

Don’t ask me how I know. 

They’re fluffy and snuggly like sheep and smart and cuddly like pigs. Some people like them as house pets/companion animals and will put their feet on them in the evening like a cushion. They make AMAZING footwarmers, particularly because when they fall asleep on your feet, no amount of you squirming is going to wake them up. If they notice, they just don’t care. 

When it comes to knitting and making cloth, you can’t beat shpig wool. It takes some work to spin, but while it’s harder to pull the fibers out, it’s a lot easier to make even a very thin thread without snapping on the spindle. You can make thick warm slippers or a lightweight waterproof hat. My great-aunt’s witch hat was made of shpig wool, which was really useful when someone rudely dropped a house on her. Bounced right off. 

Shpigs come in all sorts of colors. I bet you can guess what color shpig makes my favorite wool...

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

I’m awake!

It’s been a long cold lonely winter, but I’m still here. 

What are the rest of you up to? I’m taking care of a shpig that made its way onto my property. Take a peek!

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

Batkin baby pictures

Okay you guys. I think you really need to see these little floofs for yourselves.

What even is my life. Close-ups coming later.

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

Hey all, it’s Emilia.

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for so long. The cottage got snowed in, and I’ve been hard at work baking and tidying up. Six months of neglect can do a lot to make a cottage a lot less snug.

I’m back, though, and ready to answer questions, but FIRST I really need to ASK one.

I was having trouble sleeping for a while because of this weird sound coming from my roof. When I managed to get outside and investigate, you won’t believe what I found in my eaves.

Apparently, batkin and their… what do you even call them? Batkinlets? Batbabies? Whatever you call them (ideas, people?), they snuggle in whatever crevices they can find to keep warm in the winter.

 I really don’t know if I want to wake them. Batkin are bitey jerks, but their babies are SO CUTE and I don’t know if it’s right to push them out in the middle of winter to go find another home.

 What do you think? Should I boot them out of my roof or let them snuggle up until spring? I can get some closer-up pictures, if it helps?

[0xo]

alright but talk to me about secret witches because i know we exist

clearing off the top of your dresser and quietly declaring it an altar; having to justify why seashells and rocks and candles belong there and how your breath catches trying to explain it

nervousness in the aisles of walmart, trying to decide which candle colors are most important this week; because you know you can only bring home two without getting questioned, and you know you need a red, but it’s coming down to lavender federal vs teal votive, and you have to choose now

counting pocket change in little mall shops, calculating the tax and the deals on the incense; trying to figure out if you can get more out of the cones or the sticks, because you need a better burn time and don’t have a penny to waste

using those little tealight-powered oil diffusers to brew tiny batches of potions; storing the results in two-for-a-dollar craft jars, haphazardly labelled with post-its and sharpies and kept in a shoebox under the bed

keen eyes and quick fingers in the spice aisle of a grocery store, slipping a bottle of thyme or sage into the cart, praying it’s good enough, praying your mom doesn’t notice

innocent playlists with just the right touch of eerie to remind you of your roots and your power and put that extra pop in your step

being alone, being covenless- until you spot the lavender tied with green thread next to the candle on your friends nightstand and you both just know

working casual blessings into text messages to your friends- you’ll pass the test; win the match; you’re a star; love you; be safe

little curses for the ones who piss you off- your shoelaces will never stay tied, your leftovers won’t taste quite as good, small animals will snub you; hissing hexes at the strangers who dare to act like you belong to anyone but yourself

sigils scrawled on palms, wrists; pulling your sleeve down to hide from curious onlookers

picking clothes that are casual enough to outsiders, but you know there’s a certain magic there

sneaking out the back door just before sunrise to discard spell ashes

secret witches

i mean c’mon we’re here and we’re interesting as hell

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

I have a lot of respect for witches who can’t be open. Not everyone can run off to a cottage on a mountain.

(You should as soon as you can, though)

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

What was your first magic spell?

When I was really tiny, I summoned my toys from my toybox and floated them over my crib to play with them.

When I fell asleep, I got bonked in the head with one of the falling toys and cried hard enough to wake my mom up. She saw the toys all over the place and I guess she knew what had happened. All I knew was that I had been cruelly betrayed by a wooden duck.

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

What should I get mom for Christmas?

I mean that’s kind of a personal question. I don’t know your mom.

I was going to send my mom a collection of cuttings from my garden so that she can splice them to create crosses for some magic plant experimentation, but your mom probably isn’t a witch with an extensive herb garden.

Making something is always a top idea. They always get gooshy over things you make yourself.

[90377]

Untitled by Ricardo Pestana

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

This makes me think of home. 

Before SOMEONE set goblins to cutting down the trees, that is.

>:-[

[sarahbanning-blog]

More Grumpy Witch fanart! No details here because spoilers, but isn’t she the prettiest birb? OwO

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

*rolls up her sleeves*

I don’t trust pretty things.

[sarahbanning-blog]

#krampus is coming for you, watch out! #cute #krampusnacht #markers #kuyusidraws

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

This is the cutest Krampus I’ve ever seen, though. 

...wait, who’s that in his basket?!

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

How do you kidnap a mountain??

THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING

I promise I’ll tell you once I find out. I might just drop it on someone’s head when I find out, too. That’ll make it pretty clear. 

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

can you use magic to pls fix my hair

I doubt it’s broken.

I mean, your hair is probably FINE. Make your hair your own, like everything else!

Do you want it to be purple like mine? 

[sasukehateblog]

me: can i say something mean and petty?

my friends, sitting at the edge of their chairs, alert and ready: absolutely

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

This is me.

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

Grumpy PSA

Please practice ethical alchemy, okay? Use the WHOLE PART OF THE NEWT. If I run across one more one-eyed newt, I’m going to find out who’s “experimenting” and give them what for. 

It’s not that hard to ethically source ingredients, people, and there’s almost ALWAYS a substitution for animal products. Just because it’s harder to get whiffleberry sap is no reason to harass the local lizard population. 

[sarahbanning-blog]

Are you grumpy? Would you also like to be a witch? Then this game might be for you. Seriously though I am in LOVE with the designs for Grumpy Witch, you can expect a few more of these soon! Check it out here if you want to: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/grumpy-witch-a-side-scrolling-saga-with-sass

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

An artist who understands the importance of purple and fierceness. This is me!

(One of me. It’s hard to explain.)

[ezombieart]

mushroom witches

phallus indusiatus, clathrus ruber, rhodotus palmatus, & coprinus comatus

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

These are excellent mushroom witch looks! Wouldn’t they be clever for blending in to mushroom forests?

[askthegrumpywitch-blog]

Dear Emilia, I NEED your help to settle a bet. Is it 'magick', or 'magic'? My friend says 'magick', but I think that he's just old. Whoever loses the bethas to sort spell components by geographic region, so it's REALLY important that we get this settled! - Thessaly

Okay, here’s the deal. 

Magic is magic.

Magick is how people spell ‘magic’ when they want to distinguish themselves from sleight-of-hand artists who pull rabbits out of hats and insist they did it by ~magic~. 

Real magic doesn’t look like that. Real magic hats don’t work like that, either, but that’s beside the point. If people are mistaking your magic for stage magic, then no number of extra letters on magyckkkkk is going to help. 

Magic doesn’t care how it’s spelled. Well, that’s not quite true. Spells DEFINITELY care how they’re spelled. But the word ‘magic’ itself? Spell it how you want. If you’re doing it right, nobody’s going to nitpick your grammar.