I cleared/deleted ALL of my requests from 2024-2025, and if I didn’t get to yours, I am deeply sorry. My mental health at the time was completely busted and all over the place; I was dealing with immense academic pressure along with pre existing/reoccurring depressive episodes. I had gotten too excited and completely overestimated how much energy I would have. Once again, im terribly sorry if you were looking forward to a request to be filled in— this was my fault 😞
I know I’m not as active as I used to be, but I feel that this is still important for anyone and everyone to know (if you’ve been hanging around) !
That being said, my requests AND commissions are open, and I’ll be filling in ~3 per week now to better spread my workload. Thank you!
My nose is so tender from blowing my nose every ten minutes
I’m on the cusp of ending my cold and haven’t been very creatively motivated because of
A.) the state of my room
B.) the cold
C.) my lack of stimulation
I live in a “seedy” part of my city, and while that shouldn’t really prevent me from going out (and touching grass) I’ve noticed a lot more racially motivated junk happening + ICE has been spotted less than 10 mins away
I think, I’m ok staying inside for now
On the bright side, there’s a local show going on downtown !! There’s that to look forward to- I think the bands preforming are on tour which is extra cool
sometimes I feel like a huge pervert for even breathing in the general direction of romance for one reason and one reason alone: the fact that I am trans (FtM)
I found comfort in a comic from my local library, which was aptly named The Pervert, by Michelle Perez and Remy Boydell in middle school (you can see the very apparent Inspo I took from the mc in my own character). I was too young to understand what I was reading then and to understand what being a trans person meant. I was blissfully ignorant and sheltered from the harsh reality of my identity, mainly due to predisposed shame, guilt, and fear. There was much more BEYOND the few stories of coming out and social transition from my elders and peers in the LGBTQ+ community (and because they were predominantly white, I had no clue that POC had it so much worse or that intersectionality was crucial to the understanding of myself, but that’s not the main issue I want to point out lol). As I grew, the comic seemed to become even more relevant, especially in my own love life. Most of my romantic endeavors happened when I was experimenting with what I wanted to be; I wouldn’t hold the same identity for longer than a handful of months, sometimes. That being said, most of my partners would simply refer to me as their girlfriend, not bothering with the complexity nor confusion, for the sake of our social circles. Sometimes people would point it out and I’d have to awkwardly lie and say that I ‘didn’t mind’ or that it ‘technically wasn’t wrong’ to save my own partner the trouble, which, looking back on it now, wasn’t any actual trouble at all. Most times when I tried to clarify what I ‘was’, my partners simply wouldn’t have it or quietly distance themselves from me until we split. I can confidently say that in every instance where I tried to affirm my ‘manhood’, manliness, and whatever else I can describe this as, that it never ended well for both parties.
Nowadays, I avoid dating, both on purpose and on accident, somehow. This is where I feel like a real pervert, ironically. My need for validation. Every day I grow more anxious and disgusted as to what my options are in the dating pool around me. There are cis, most likely straight men that crave me for my inherent feminine qualities, and will sparingly refer to me as a man. Feminize me until I’m this alien, girly thing to dote on, but not really, because I’m still a part of the other. Above all, I’m desperate; therefore, easy pickings for intimacy. There are also gay cis men, but I find that many are disgusted or flat out uninterested in trans men, because they still view trans men as women. I’ve been aptly reminded to never touch grindr as a trans man, lest I want to keep my limbs and organs intact. In both statements respectively, I do not mean ALL are prone to this ideology, but it seems to be an unfortunate trend. Trans people seem to be this sexual and romantic commodity— it’s disgusting, and yet we are made out to be the perverts in these scenarios. I am either humiliated or miserable, and if that’s not the case, there seems to be something else in that repulses me from engaging.
Basically, be more understanding to the trans folks in your life. Advocate for them when you can and educate people who are, for lack of better term, being little dicks. Please. Also, read The Pervert and The Bronze !!!
and before you ask me “what fucking songs did you even mosh to??” all of them. every single one.
also, this was in my drafts for about four months and I forgot to post anything from aftershock and refused to in fear of embarrassing myself for listening to any of the bands at aftershock last year
for some reason
all consuming anxiety is not something I would wish on my worst enemy
I've stopped using tiktok for personal reasons, but I posted almost all of my art on the app, and hardly posted it on here.
Unrelated, I got some new Jazz and Blues CD's yesterday!
Billie Holiday is one of my favorite artists of all time, I'm hoping to find more of her music on vinyl instead of CD. I also got Bulldozer & Venom CD's last week, which I'm super happy about :DD
