I'm back 2 years later. I didn't realize how much I've changed
2 years later, my loving relationship had turned sour and I broke it off. he made up some drama and convinced his family to hate me, and I found comfort in my bible. I had a little party with my friends to celebrate leaving him. 6 months later and I still get shivery when I talk about how he treated me. 6 months later and it's been almost a year and a half since I'd first thought "I should break up with him". 6 months later and the person I was most afraid of losing hates me, and I am overjoyed by that.
I have different perspectives now. I've gone through so much in so little time; realized and opened my eyes to SO MUCH in SO little time. Now I realize, people blame god for things they don't know how to explain, or to make themselves feel better about a situation, because the outcome was favorable. "God wrapped the umbilical cord around my rainbow baby's neck and almost killed him, to cement our love and appreciation for them and our gratefulness to god" because they can't accept a life where an all-knowing being would have let that baby wrap it's cord around it's neck and die right at the last stretch of the race.
it's so simple and it's been common knowledge for ages, but I'm only feeling it now. I'm a completely different person than I was 6 months ago, and even more so a year ago. I haven't made or lost too many friends. I've given up something I realized was awful for me. I don't have constant stomach pains and cramps anymore. I'm healthier. I've put on weight. I've lost weight. I've tasted a crumb of living away from my parents, and I'm dreading going back. I'm not tired anymore. I'm so exhausted I can't think straight. I have my mother's smile, which might belong to her mother, but I'll never know because I don't know her. I'll never know. I'm getting used to the taste of alcohol for the first time. I drink wine all the time, but I can't get drunk no matter how hard I try. doomed to just drink weird sour juice.
something about my first year in college has changed me so severely; so many awful and stressful things have happened, but so many amazing things have too. regardless of how many times I literally almost shat my pants because a friend brought up my ex, no matter how many nights I stayed up thinking about how someone claim to love you yet intentionally hurt you so bad, no matter how many days I stressed over money and grades. this might have been the best year of my life so far. and it's not even over. life isn't found in the successes or accomplishments made. I mean it is, but it's not ALL there. it's in the struggle, the overcoming, the finding and figuring. And sometimes it's in the completely far fetched hunch you had months before, that you told your best friend "I'm just being delusional" but you ended up being 100% correct about it, laughing crying about it with her until you're alone at night and the gravity of it falls on you, and you can't stop sobbing over it.
sometimes life is in the realizing and finding yourself. marking your boundaries, actually SEEING yourself. I am this. I can't quite do that. I'm good at this. I need to work on that. I hurt them. I'll fix that. they're hurting me. I need to talk to them about that.
life happens in the moments you think you're going to die, and again in the moments you think "oh my gosh mom is going to KILL me if she ever finds out about this" and I can't get over it
