Your Wish Is My Command

I’m not trapped I’m just an asshole.

[asshole-genie]

I wish my boobs weren't so big (And don't give me breast cancer that's too easy)

instead of two large boobs you now have four to six smaller boobs

[homunculus-argument]

I think we should start playing Shitty Genie as a tumblr game. Your mutuals send you wishes in anon (or fuck it, out of anon) and you reply with your plan of how you'll fulfill it in a way that is technically correct but still goes horribly wrong.

[asshole-genie]

Anyone want this blog? I don’t think I’ll be returning to it.

[asshole-genie]

I wish that tumblr user ship glumshoe would stop blogging about dune

so I was going to grant this one by making glumshoe blog all about the Star Wars prequels instead but in the process I discovered that the content I was going to reblog was created by my high school boyfriend and took a very unexpected and very disorienting trip down memory lane so now I need some time to think

[asshole-genie]

I wish my hair would get longer :((((

granted! your pubes are now long enough to tuck into your buttcrack

[adampvrrish]

king arthur was supposed to rise when the worlds need was greatest so. wakey wakey! someone knock on his tomb or something

[nothingeverlost]

[serialreblogger]

i hate fae rules

[asshole-genie]

Genie, please make Disney stop announcing their “first openly gay character”

Granted. Disney will now announce their last openly gay character.

[asshole-genie]

i wish that all old-growth logging will stop immediately

Granted! There is no more old-growth to log.

[asshole-genie]

I wish to send Glumshoe money in a way they can't refund.

too bad

[asshole-genie]

I wish to be a famous author

granted, Pliny the Elder

[asshole-genie]

i notice that you only answer 3 questions a day

wow, astute AND observant, you’re a rare breed

[asshole-genie]

I wish for you to give me something positive

here is one of my protons

[asshole-genie]

i wish i could eat dairy without shitting for an hour afterwards

Granted. After you eat dairy, there is a single hour each day during which you are not shitting.

[asshole-genie]

genie, please give me a bottle of nail polish that never cracks or peels but is easy to take off my nails

granted, the bottle is in pristine condition and the polish inside is so acidic that it easily takes off your nails in seconds

[asshole-genie]

I wish for a perfectly ordinary bag of gluten-free chocolate-covered pretzels, where I can get to them, in a container I can open, right now

(I think I covered my bases here?? I guess you could go "oh yeah aliens invade and kill everyone also, bc of your pretzels" but honestly those answers are boring, and I love the creativity this blog tends to use <3)

you find a perfectly ordinary bag of gluten-free chocolate-covered pretzels waiting for you inside a menstrual product disposal box

[asshole-genie]

[this shouldn’t need to be said but the service this blog provides is being an asshole and purposefully twisting your wishes in unpleasant ways contrary to your intent—if that is going to be triggering to you, do not send asks to this blog, especially about things you’re sensitive about and don’t want to imagine horrible twists of]

[asshole-genie]

I wish for people to reblog my posts

granted. you are now a favorite victim of cringe compilers who reblog you ironically to mock you.