☆ ; EVOLVE

curses and rants so bitter on my tongue; what will we do when all is said and done?

[shitacademicswrite]

[pterribledinosaurdrawings]

[lemonsharks]

Someone kill me with a thagomizer I wish I didn’t know this curst fact

[asstopias]

its cwazy these days. none of my internet friends really talk to me anymore or they make plans to spend time w me and then are like "oh actually [person] is awake so im gonna go hang out with them now" like couldnt you have said before we hung out so i wouldnt be caught off guard and feel like shit about it. genuinely feels like everybody just wants to hang out with each other and not me. and considering whenever i am in vc w the group they make SURE to remind me that im a huge annoying burden so its like. Damn alright i guess i'll mind my business 👍

[asstopias]

i feel so exhausted and alone and the world is too much like im 21 i shouldnt be having to deal with the grief of 5 people who died within 3 years.

and the worst thing is literally that no-one gives a solitary fuck about how i feel no-one has noticed that theres anything wrong i could walk into traffic right now and no-one except my online friends would notice my absence until tomorrow at the earliest

im dealing with the death of 2 kpop idols who meant the world to me, my dad, luc and jean and it literally all feels like a sign that i should just fucking die right now.

im tired of reaching out and being shot down im so fucking tired of being drained because im an extrovert and theres nowhere i can turn im tired of being treated like shit by my mom

im never going to get closure from my dad about why he did what he did and its eating away at me piece by piece and theres just not a single fucking thing i can do anymore im so fucking exhausted and thats all there is to it

[asstopias]

finally dreamed of luc again! in a nightmare :) the whole thing was awful but luc said SOMETHING and i cant remember it EXACTLY but it was about his death and about him knowing he would die soon and how if he could he'd ask the devil to bring him back???? maybe????? idk bit i remember we were in a park trying to take a selfie and he walked round everyone to sit beside me and then we had this tiny chat and im.

i dont feel like i have the right to miss him but i DOOOO

[asstopias]

lol whatever who fucking cares im going a walk by myself if i die i die hopefully see you soon luc! :)

[asstopias]

me, suddenly remembering the night my mental health was so bad i typed out several messages to send to lucs tumblr before feeling too stupid to send them, then typed out a message to cara because i desperately needed someone but my friends were drunk or asleep

this reads like im mad about my friends being drunk or asleep but i’m not i’m actually happy they were because 1. beth sleep good 2. kenzie and eilidh happy drunk

that night the drunks visited me anyway so it was okay but im still just like. thinking back to how awful that night was for me mentally! which is never a good sign quite frankly

[asstopias]

retweet if you wanna die

[asstopias]

anyone else take a second sleep because they know they're more likely to dream the second time

which means they might see luc again haha

im scared tho bc this was the first dream in which i acknowledged he was dead and like. noah fence but im not ready to lose dream luc yet im not!

i miss him so much and theres nothing i can do about it

[asstopias]

i'm so sick of seeing pieces of luc everywhere! i keep seeing his hair, or his tattoos, or his smile, or his posture or his stance. i can feel pieces of him hovering around people!! his atmosphere, what he was to me.

and i hate it!

i hadn't spoken to him in like. a year or something so why is it still so painful? why do i hear him in music? why do i see him in shows?

i feel like an imposter for being this upset about it but i cant help it!!!!

and i feel bad because i dont wanna bring him up in front of people because i know everyone hurts in their own way but i just. i see him everywhere. and i miss him.

being alone sucks so bad because all i do is listen to music and think of him

[guccifloralsuits]

alignment chart vine edition

[asstopias]

my life is just getting worse and worse so its at the point now where i really wish i wasnt so fuckin scared so i cld just kill myself lol

rmbr when luc died and i was like. wow this sucks i will never kill myself bc i dont want the ppl arnd me to feel this way

and now im like. ugh wish i cld off myself tonight!

[asstopias]

we're so poor i've been having one meal a day bc theres no food in the house haha love it!

a bowl of krave w/ no milk

a bowl of tomato soup

a bowl of tuna and mayo

last night we had chicken mashed potatoes and carrots and i dined even tho the mash was AWFUL!

worst thing is my mom doesnt seem to care at all?? shes fine w wasting the small amount of food we do have and im just like...... hello?

i wish we had mince bc then i could at least make chilli but we have no meat of any kind hahaha lol

[asstopias]

he cant be dead surely not genies cant die aurely not right like surely he cant be dead cmon kyle say sike

[asstopias]

first i lose all mg fucking friendsi made last year the i lose luc and i know i havent talkedto him in ages bu t eh was one of myy friends in school and im really going✈breakdonw ccity of im alone today

[onlyred]

[asstopias]

the stupidest thing to be upset about but jordyn fully destroyed the bridge i made in aneurins minecraft world because it was ugly and blocked me but didnt explain thats why they blocked me and im just like. that bridge led to my underground railway that took me. a long time to find. its the only thing i have in that world because they built everything without me lmao but whatever i guess

[oh-butter]

u know that feeling deep in your tummy where u just dont feel comfy and u feel sad and sort of want to cry but not about anything specific its like your entire body is just upset and unnerved all the way to the core almost like ur just longing for something but dont know what