for what? @assuredofthis-a-blog - Tumblr Blog

i was learning that choices in war are rarely between good and bad, but rather between bad and worse. / est. august 2015 and moved september 2017. written by becca. / credit.

#i've moved!! catch me over here now

i’m moving! this has been a long time coming, really, and it’s time for a fresh start! same url, same nate, brand new excited becca! i’m planning on carrying over all relationships and currently active threads ( i’d appreciate you mentioning me when you reply, but i’ll be logging in here on and off just to check i haven’t missed replies ) and it’ll probably take me a little time to refollow people because of the pesky follow limit but i have every intention of doing so!

find me here!!

#the battalion commander offered no sitrep as to JLo's status. ( psa )

madepossible.

everyone here was on edge. whether they liked to admit it or not, tensions were running high. there were people who still hadn’t gotten a hold of their loved ones, people who knew they had lost someone to this horrible tragedy, & those who were just ready to go back home. it was normal for someone to break down in times of stress, which is why ella doesn’t do anything to condescend. if she were in his position, she would do the same. there was a lot of uncertainty in the future because of what happened, but his future was practically sealed. ella only wishes she knew how to make it better, but the best she can do is offer the hug for as long as he needs it. if she’s the person he needs right now, then she’s not going anywhere.

she doesn’t know why the two have bonded more with each other than with others, but she can imagine is has to do with the fact that they’ve both worked effortlessly to help both the people of newfoundland & those that they were stranded here with. it could be emotionally exhausting. maybe that gave them something in common ; an innate need to help others no matter what the cost might be. so, ella tightens the hug just enough. there’s nothing she can say that’s going to make things any better & she knows that. but she’s going to try. ❝ well … you know that they need you, right ? when ———– if ————- that happens, then you just have to keep thinking about what matters. your family, your friends. you do it for them. ❞ ella knows, better than anything, that family is the reason to fight for something. it’s the only thing that’s kept her going throughout this madness. the idea that her father would be there waiting for her when she returned. everything she did was for him. ❝ i would really like that. ❞ her smile grows a bit, basking in the small warmth it gave her to know that even out of a bad situation, something good, no matter how small, can come out of it. she had made a new friend, that counted for something.

bad situations don’t last forever, and nate has to believe that, it’s the only way he’ll be able to get through his life --- however bad things seem now, it won’t last. there’s light at the end of the tunnel and maybe it’s really far away, right now, but its still there, still glowing. nate can keep crawling towards it at a snail’s pace, and one day, he’ll manage to get there. one day, he’ll be able to hold it in his hands, and nurture it into something glowing. maybe it doesn’t seem like that now, maybe it won’t be ‘til after his deployment ( if he makes it out ) but what’s the point of living if you have no hope? and more than anything, nate knows he’ll get this back under control again; he’s a grand master at having control when it’s necessary, at holding it together even when he wants to crack. sometimes that’s with laughter, and others, like now, it’s with tears. at the very least, he’s stopped crying, though his throat feels swollen and his eyes are sore. it’s progress, at least. he’ll take it.

he’s glad he met ella. if they hadn’t ended up here, he never would have gotten to do so, and she’s too good a person for him not to make friends with. god, if this isn’t example enough --- nate doesn’t cry in front of people. he’s absolutely one to hide away, to cry privately, to lock himself in the bathroom with the tap running if he just needs a minute. maybe he’s just exhausted beyond all reason, not...or maybe it’s her. there’s something about her that makes nate just trust her, with no caution at all. something about her that he wants to know better. ❝ yeah. ❞ it’s happening. he’ll probably be briefed about it the second he gets back to california, whenever they open the airspace again. he could be shipping out within the month. ❝ my men, mostly. it’ll be to bring them back again. ❞ if it’s war, if he’s fighting on the front lines, he’s not sure he wants to think of his parents or his sisters being there too. it’s not the place for people like them. it is the place for him, though; a part of nate is itching to go, to put everything he’s been trained for into practise. ❝ you’ll have to give me your details. ---i’m really glad i met you,, you know. ❞

#madepossible #in character.#on the edge of the world.

wcrdcddy.

‘ Better than N O T H I N G ——– ‘

Lips are pursed together, a hand reaching back to scratch head as mind contemplates what exactly was to be done now.

‘ What are we to do now, Sir ? ? ? ‘

Sure, they had soldiers ——– but it’s gonna be difficult out on the field. Need to use what they have wisely. Which was what he was good at, coordinating his tanks in the right way that would give HIM and the other soldiers an edge on the field.

❝ it is, absolutely. ❞ but it could be better. nate mourns every man lost --- but only when he’s resting, only when he’s off his feet for a few minutes. the rest of the time, his head needs to be in the game, and if that means swallowing down every emotion he’s ever had, then that’s what he’ll do. he’s not gonna lose more men because he was stuck feeling sorry for himself.

nate looks out at the way ahead, how endless it seems to stretch. ( he feels like he’s about to send his men over the top into no man’s land, because things have barely changed in two decades. ) ❝ i’ll need to talk to my CO, but my guess is you guys providing a blanket of cover ‘til we’re close enough to shoot. ❞

#wcrdcddy #in character.#we're paratroopers; we're supposed to be surrounded. ( band of brothers verse )

aces-low

The many moments in which Nate Fick genuinely contemplates causing bodily harm to Griego.

#this photoset is a Mood #i'm assured of this. ( nate fick )#god nobody does death glares like nate fick

madepossible.

this darkness, this unsettling feeling of being trapped in the past, was something that affected them both. ella doesn’t know how the stars had aligned just right for the two of them to meet when they needed each other the most, but she’s stopped questioning it. there came a time, as their relationship grew, that ella stopped asking how she got so lucky to find someone as understanding as nate. because she’s sat beside him on his bad days, too. she’s seen the fear and panic in his eyes that she’s sure is the mirror image of hers when she’s like this. they might have lived through different traumas, but they’re traumas nonetheless. she can’t imagine not being around for him when he needs her & she’s glad to know he feels the same way.

her eyes finally lift to meet his & she sees nothing but authenticity. he means what he says & for once, it doesn’t take ella time to realize that. years of struggling to distinguish if people were lying to her or not were finally beginning to come to fruition. but she knows he would never lie to her, either. it’s a trust ella never thought she’d have in another person. she nods, a sign to show she was listening to what he was telling her, before her head falls back to his shoulder. ❝ no… ❞ she answers quietly, eyes falling closed as she tried to focus on his hand combing through her hair than the lingering guilt that still sat heavily in her chest. ❝ i love you, nate. ❞ another quiet response, but one that fills her mind with something other than clouds. they can’t fog her mind when there’s just enough love to drown them out. she feels like the luckiest girl in the world, to have him by her side through all of this. & ella wants to make sure he knows that, even on her bad days, she loves him more than she knows how to express.

ella might not have much physical strength, but when it comes to her mind, she’s stronger than any marine nate’s ever known. to make it through all that she’s been through, and still keep her head up, still be as kind as she is---nate is in awe. having dark days is understandable, and he’s never going to blame her for them, even if for a while, he’s seen as the enemy. he can live with that; he’s faced worse than her nightmares, and if there’s anything he can do to fight them off for her, he will. he has to; there’s no other kind of option, is there? but sometimes there’s no fighting to be done, nothing he can say that can ease the pain --- just as there are times she can’t reach him, times when the gunfires too loud and the fear is lodged in his chest. he won’t be going anywhere, though, not ever. if she needs space, he’ll give it to her, but he’ always going to be around. and if he can help afterwards, if he can be with her and remind her that she’s not alone anymore, that she’s never gonna be alone again, then he will. he wouldn’t dream of doing anything else.

what the two of them have been through is very different, and it’s affected them in different ways, but nate has to believe that it will get better for the both of them---that, as cliché as it sounds, they’ll get through this together, because there is so much support and love here that it makes those dark times just a little less so. ( nate used to believe that the only people who’d understand how we feels were other servicemen. now he sees that ella’s been through a war that might be unrecognisable from his own, but it’s one nevertheless. she gets it, gets him, when he didn’t think anyone would. ) ❝ see? so it’s okay if you’re scared, if you look at me and see someone else. as long as you know who i am really. ❞ he could be that kind of asshole who demands some kind of recompense, who doesn’t get why she’s scared he might hurt her, but nate tries very hard to avoid being an asshole. he doesn’t know what’s in her head, nor does he know everything she’s been through, but he knows how things can distort. he’d be an unworthy boyfriend if he blamed her for that. ❝ i love you too. get some rest, okay? i’m not going anywhere. ❞

#madepossible #in character.#i have become a reluctant warrior. ( post canon verse )#abuse //#ptsd //

aces-low

Reporter loves Nate and there’s nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise.

#i’m assured of this. ( nate fick )#is this not how this scene went?

madepossible-a-deactivated20201

ella’s private instagram - like this post to be featured !

+ nate ( @assuredofthis )

#stll cryinG #i want with her what the stars share with the sky. ( nate & ella )

vonlenska.

“ hey. ” her voice is soft, despite the lack of sleep ; it’s just dulled by the nighttime, or by the fact that speaking softly sounds natural, when they both have the end of the world still ringing in their ears. “ it’s fine, you didn’t. i just couldn’t sleep. ” a glass of water in her hands, she moves in slow, dragged steps, her leg aching but still far from the sharp jolts of pain that keep her up some nights. it’s not one of those, anyway — sometimes not sleeping is a comfort to her restless nerves, like being caught off guard is not an option anymore & she needs a constant reminder. darcel settles on the other side of the sofa, right leg to her chest, distantly looking at the screen but not wanting to intrude the privacy of his work. “ how’s it going ? ”

❝ you okay? ❞ he knows that feeling all too well. he knows what it’s like to stare at the ceiling for hours, only to jerk awake when he finally falls asleep --- the feeling that he’s falling asleep on watch taking over, the fear that if he drops off, he’ll miss some kind of attack coming his way. ( the fear, too, of those nightmares that like to come when he sleeps, the ones that tear him apart and leave him bleeding in the worst ways. ) his smile is a quiet, exhausted thing, no space for anything louder in the shadows of night, and he shrugs. ❝ not as well as i’d like, but that’s probably no surprise, given the time. ❞

#vonlenska #In character.#natedarcel verse tag

madepossible.

she’s not strong, physically, that is. but she has had several men here who have threatened to leave without being discharged to do so. out of fear they may do something rash, they’ve been told not to stop them. after all, everyone possessed the right to refuse medical care, but that didn’t stop her from worrying about them. another reason being so soft-hearted often left her exhausted by the end of the day. but she’s glad to see he isn’t going to fight her too much for being here. at least he trusts her enough to go by her judgement.

her smile paints an aura of amusement in her cheeks. of course she had known it already. just about everything she needed to know was hanging in that card at the foot of his bed. but, she’ll humor him. ella carefully takes the hand she’s offered. ❝ it’s a pleasure. ❞ the smile remains soft as she takes a seat beside his bed. since he was still in no shape to leave, the least she could do was keep him company. ❝ a little guilt trip never hurt anyone. ❞ if it kept him in that bed, then that’s all ella cared about. ❝ you’ll be the first to know. you have my word. ❞ ella can see that it bothers him not to be out there with them. so, she does her best to move the subject somewhere else. ❝ so, where are you from ? ❞

nate’s so exhausted it’s hard to even follow the thread of this conversation...but he doesn’t think that’s because he’s sick so much as he’s been at war for years with barely a break. it’s stressful for anyone, but nate’s carrying a hell of a burden on his shoulders --- not only is he responsible for his men, men he’s losing at too fast a rate, men he loves more than he loves life itself, but he’s dealing with a captain who hates him, a commander who still cares more about appearances than morale or lives. there’s no such thing as acceptable loss, out here. the moment he lost his first man, that was unacceptable in itself. by now, it’s all pressing him down so hard that he’ll never be free from it. but still, he wouldn’t be anywhere else---still, he wants to get back out there, not linger in this hospital bed, though it’s warm and dry and more comfortable than the ground. ( still, he doesn’t think of home, because what is home? it’s here. its his tent, his rifle, his platoon. america’s a long-forgotten dream. )

he has a responsibility to his men. nate doesn’t forget things like that quickly.

❝ likewise. and at least you’ve seen me at my worst already. ❞ this isn’t his worst, not really; that’s when his temper gets the better of him, it’s when he snaps and clenches his jaw, it’s when he reaches his limit and can’t take anymore of griego’s bullshit. it happens, and it’s not pretty. but tension makes tempers fray, and nate likes to think he’s got a better handle on his than most. he smiles, a hand coming to his chest even as his eyes close, too exhausted to keep them open. ❝ hurts my pride a little, you know. ❞ his pride’s been through worse. every part of him has. if he ever makes it out of this --- unlikely; he’s already a dead man walking --- then he’ll never be able to complain about a thing again. it wouldn’t be right. ❝ thank you. ---uh, baltimore. how about you? ❞

#madepossible #in character.#how fucked are you now? ( wwii verse )

whenever i’m sad i remember that high ranking officers (like majors and above) in division command hated encino man (callsign: hitman) so much that they called him shitman

#imagine if the company had gotten hold of that gooood #out of character.

cowboyelvis

Stark Sands as Nathaniel Fick | GENERATION KILL (2008)

#i’m assured of this. ( nate fick )#i'm love

stormlit

never knew i could be speechless; don’t know how i’ll ever break this curse. now the world is only white noise, frequencies that I can’t understand. // post-apocalyptic superpowered original character, with au verses including modern, werewolf, newsies, and bbc merlin.

#i've still got a couple of drafts but i'm going back over here #i feel like every time i go back to my multi from here i reblog a different character's promo #so here have bea i love her #the absolute tippity tip of the spear. ( self promo )

"maybe you're too good for me" (from darc!!)

( @vonlenska / potential angst starters / accepting! )

❝ why would you say that? ❞ nate likes to think he’s a good person. the corps didn’t think he was a good officer, but that has different requirements, different standards; nate’s personal moral compass didn’t want to be swayed by the ancient military tradition of doing whatever the fuck those above you dictate, even when they’re wrong. (and they were wrong.) but being a good person certainly is not the same as being a saint, and nate’s spent enough time in catholic churches to know that they’d agree, too. he’s far from perfect. some days, he feels like one giant mess of mistakes, all twisted together and knotted into something unrecognisable from the man he wishes he were. ❝ why would you think that? i’m not. ❞

#vonlenska #in character.#natedarcel verse tag #:) :) :)

“my love, look what you can do”

( @madepossible / potential angst starters / accepting! )

in his hands is a book with his name on the cover --- a book that has been a way for him to process what happened in iraq (a war he’ll so readily say was fine, when it was anything but), a way to get him through those endless dark months. these pages are covered in the sand he can still feel in his mouth, some days, are soaked in the tears he still cries more than he’d like...but they are here, and real. there’s no way a single book can explain his military career, so many things he’s had to keep out of it...but it’s as truthful as nate’s ever gonna get. it’s his story, even those things he could never tell ella.

he thinks he’s proud. and he thinks he has every right to be.

❝ i couldn’t have done it without you. ❞he kisses the top of her head; ella has been his light, even when the dark has gotten oppressive. they’ve both helped each other, and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives, if he has any kind of say in it. and sure, he wrote it, but she’s been there when the memories have gotten too much, or when he couldn’t find a way to get a phrase right. she’s been there. ❝ here. ❞he presses the first book from the pile on his desk into her hands. ❝ i’ll even let you read the whole thing now, if you want. ❞

#madepossible #in character.#i have become a reluctant warrior. ( post canon verse )#all our replies have been sad today so?? actually happy?? for once??

madepossible.

she can’t imagine how this must feel for those who have lived in that place all their lives. to see something so hateful & tragic happen on their own soil has to be crushing. ( ella has seen it first-hand. she has seen people here, people who have lost their loved ones or who have yet to hear back from them, who have been directly affected by this ) & ella swallows down her own concern about her father in order to help these people. the citizens of gander were some of the kindest she’s ever met. these people were letting them stay in their homes, eat their food, & even wear their clothing. she can’t imagine the kind of stress it puts on them. but it’s alright for it to become overwhelming. it’s good to be able to let it out now rather than holding it in. & ella is happy to be the cushion for it all. it gives her the distraction she so desperately needs.

but the hug is more than welcomed on her end. something that feels like it’s holding her together when she could so easily fall apart. because she wants to go back home. she wants to turn around from this entire thing & go back to where she feels like she belongs. but she also knows she doesn’t want to disappoint her father. she has to go back to him. but his confession pulls her from that train of thought. ella doesn’t know anything about military, but she knows what it means & for a second she feels like she might begin to cry, too. an innate sense of empathy that ella has never been able to shake. ❝ nate, i’m so sorry. ❞ she manages to choke out the words as clearly as possible, masking the sense of sadness in her voice. ella tightens the hug just a little bit, hoping it offers some kind of comfort. her eyes fall closed for a moment, breathing in a heavy sigh. ❝ you have every right to feel that way. ❞ sometimes, things like this needed that validation. to know that his nervousness and hesitancy about being sent to war was okay. ella doesn’t know if they will ever see each other again, if they ever get out of this place, but she knows she will be thinking about him. wondering if he’s safe. he’s the only real connection she’s made with the people she’s met here. that bond means something to her. ❝ but you’re not there yet, okay ? you’re here & maybe it won’t have to be like that. there has to be some other way… ❞

it feels immensely selfish to be thinking of himself, right now---which is why this is the first opportunity nate’s afforded himself, pushing all of that aside until a time when everyone else is as settled as they’re likely to be. (he doubts he’ll be the only person unable to rest, tonight, or the only one crying.) but there’s only so long he can suppress something before it rears its head again, and a quiet moment alone --- or at least, alone until ella found him --- it, all things considered, as good as its likely to get. and god, it would be so easy to drown beneath this, right now; he’s holding onto her like she’s some kind of life raft, because nate barely knows her, but she still feel safe among this overwhelming emotion. he’s seen her, trying to help out, trying to keep everyone calm, and they’ve got to look out for each other, don’t they, those of them taking on responsibility? leadership has nothing without support. it’s...nice to have support. trapped with thousands of strangers, it’d be easy to find no support at all.

ultimately, they will all go back to their lives. it’s inevitable --- and he’s not sure he likes the idea of never seeing ella again. she’s the person he’s connected to most, here, and she seems like a genuinely nice person. he wants to stay in touch, but is that even going to be possible, when they go back to their lives? he’s gonna be god knows where, shortly. and it’s terrifying, sure, but nate also knows that when it comes to it, he will do his job. however scary it is, whatever risks there are, he’s a marine. it comes with the uniform, and he is proud as hell to wear it. ❝ no, trust me. ❞ he knows. he’s read enough, he’s trained enough. he knows. ❝ it’ll be war. and my guys, we’re infantry. ❞ they’ll be on the ground somewhere---nate doesn’t know how the can want that, and be scared of it at the same time, but he is. he’s read tales of warriors from ancient times to the present; it seems he’s gonna be come one. really become one. humanitarian missions don’t count. ❝ but, uh, maybe i’ll write you from wherever i end up. ❞

#madepossible #in character.#on the edge of the world. ( cfa verse )

madepossible.

ella doesn’t try to fight his statement, though she knows that ———– to an extent ———— she does understand. she sees how many men come through here, wanting to get back to their men. while there are a select few who would rather be safely confined in this tent rather than back out there, these boys were loyal to those they had to protect. ella admires that. ❝ ella. ❞ she offers, half a smile pulling at her lips. ma’am just seems too formal to her. ella carefully helps him rest his head back against the pillow before she sits the cup off to the side for a while. ❝ it’s not a problem. ❞ she wipes her hands carefully on her dress, taking the time to straighten it back out before she continues. ella knows it’s not what he wants to hear, but it was for his own good to stay here. ❝ you will be back out with them soon, i promise. you have to stay here & get better first. you want to be at your best for them, right ? ❞

there are always a few lingerers --- those who’ll do anything to stay here, away from the war outside, even if that means shooting themselves in the foot to do so --- and nate has absolutely no time for cowards like that. war is hell, and every time he thinks he’s seen the worst of it, something else happens, and he’s losing so many men that he has a list of names so long his journal might be filled with them, before this war is out---but his guys are god guys. they’d walk out of here with a bullet still inside their body, if they heard their platoon was being relocated. it’s always better to be with the guys you trust. they’re family, now. if any of them make it out of here, they’ll be bonded forever. (it seems so hopeless, sometimes. he looks at what’s happening, and he can’t see a way out of this dark. but he has to try. for them, if not for himself.)

❝ nate. ❞ ridiculous as it is, with him lying down, he offers her a hand all the same. she’s probably got his name on his chart --- they probably shouldn’t be on first name terms at all --- but it’s better. more human; hospitals, like war zones, can be so impersonal. it’s why nate always makes sure to remember that his men are people with lives, and personalities. they’re not disposable. not to him. ❝ pretty sure using that argument is cheating. ❞ he hasn’t got the energy to debate it, though --- he really does want to be at his best for them. they deserve that. with the higher ups being the way they are, they deserve him at his best. ❝ do me a favour, though? if you get any rumours about people moving out, let me know? i have to be there then. ❞

#madepossible #in character.#how fucked are you now? ( wwii verse )

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