Unending Rambles

Into cooking, writing, programming, and the nerd culture.

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - VII

“I know what I ask is not easy.” I caught myself saying as I stared into the galaxies inside his eyes. “But I need you to trust me. I need you to breathe, to let go of every VAGUE thought inside your head. Stare into my eyes and just, believe…” I added, encountering a HACKSLAVER as the last few words left my mouth. I mean, how could I not stutter? I basically just signed my own death wish with such a request.

I breathed in and out with him – trying too to keep my calm in front of such majesty before me. Trying hard to do what needed be done, I concentrated my thoughts into healing. Soon, orbs of yellow light filled the air between us. As the process continued, a slight jab of pain broke the silence, causing him to grab my hand and squeeze it tight. Love can truly be as DESPICABLE as they say; a disease with no cure. But I need to keep my focus; I need to not let something as stupid as emotions get in the way.

So, even as small surges of electricity traversed through my entire body, I kept my calm and fought the feelings off. Saving his life is more important, even if it means I lose mine. You see, healers like me need to express their emotions, suppressing them can cause a depletion in our life force. However, one need to be devoid of all emotions when healing someone, or else the person they’re healing, may die in the process.

“Are you alright?” he asked, staring even deeper into my eyes, BEWILDERED as I looked weaker as each second passed.

“I’m fine.” I said, forcing a smile even though I was slowly being ripped apart on the inside. “It will all be over soon.” I added. Though I didn’t mention that I too may soon CEASE to exist.

“We can stop if you’re tired.” he replied, looking more worried than before.

“If only I could.” I said in my head. But the venom has already spread in his system. It’s now or never.

As I took my last breath, a bright yellow light shone brightly; blinding anyone and anything at a hundred-meter radius. And when it disappeared, he was completely healed, and I too had gone…

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - VI

I guess FATE has a twisted way of letting things be. Yet again, here I am, torn APART – shattered to countless unrecognizable pieces beyond repair. It’s tiring to feel this way, to feed so much energy into a DREAM, hoping for a better tomorrow; one where I’d be fed the warmth I longingly desire – filling the empty spaces of the void. Only for that dream to be smitten by hopelessness; DISAPPEARING like the sun over the horizon. However, as I stare at the stars illuminating the night sky, tiny flickers of light that try to vanquish the darkness, the nearly spent fire of hope within me is renewed; fueled if you may. That if I keep moving forward, the LIFETIME of happiness and love I crave, shall soon be within my grasp. And when that day comes, I am sure to never let go of it no matter what.

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - V

Fears bared its fangs underneath my strength. Messing once again with the INTUITION I so proudly boast; uncovering the trust issues I’ve so carefully hidden beneath my gleaming armor. SHAME, slowly eclipsed the pride I have left, snatching orbs of light; my light. However, I did not resist. For the creeping darkness felt SOOTHING. It carried a calming and serene aura; taking over me, blanketing over me with its cold touch.  I guess there really is SOLITUDE in being LOST, in giving yourself to oblivion. In embracing the demons I’ve so long fought with the rusty blade I was given. As the last set of light faded, I caught myself soaked in tears; uttering the same old tired prayer I’ve chanted a thousand times before – asking for the saving grace I’ve been pleading to have for as long as I could remember. Before the iris in my eyes caught a glimpse of the last flickering light, I saw a hand extend towards me; cupping my face and wiping my tears, whispering the words ‘Rest, I have heard you, I am here now’.

[astarteyllafera]

Losing Hope

I feel like a little boy who was asked what hurts and where, giving nothing but the answer of ‘here’, while I point to the void that exists from within. All this time I thought it was empty. I know for sure it is or at least, was. Then came hope, and I deliberately decided to let it in; thinking that it could somehow fix the shattered pieces. I thought. So, I did, yet here I stand; a complete and utter fool – something I already know I am all my life. Everything was nice while it lasted; with nothing but pure bliss. But, maybe this porcelain figurine is too fragile, too slippery, and too broken to even begin with.

I’ve convinced myself that I am going to be alone till the end of my days, and I’ve long told myself to accept it. I do not need any emotional pellets for the hollow spaced wanting to be fed. For this too shall pass, that the instinct to find someone is nothing more than animalistic – another major flaw in our evolution. I know I have the strength to stand alone, though it may be bleak, I know it is there. I just have to find it, and I will.

[astarteyllafera]

Ten Random Words - I

The winds soared above the HORIZON, watching the chaos unfold from afar – radiating a sense of calmness, STRENGTH; BENEVOLENT if you may. Yet amidst all the noise and ruin, there YOU stood; a boy, no, a MAN. ALONE but INDEPENDENT, with a sense of TRANQUILITY in the space before you. And like a powerful CLAIRVOYANT, you commanded the winds to descend; to take part in this wretched world. For no matter how wicked this earth may become, nothing can’t be fixed by those who always puts forth their HEART.

[astarteyllafera]

Abyss

I don’t know where I am. I’m lost more than I was before, more than I ever was. I honestly don’t know where to go or what to do in order to find whatever it is that’s missing, whatever path I strayed away from. The voices in my head are screaming in endless unison; echoing in all directions. I just want to get attached to something – anything. To find that secure foothold so everything would just stop swaying, vivid enough to shift my attention from all the blaring. With enough confidence to help me conquer my fears, my uncertainties, me.

As I let myself fall to the endless abyss, is this all that there is, and ever will be?

[astarteyllafera]

Freedom

I slipped into the blue night, illuminated by the barely lit moon. With a small bag on my back, I sprinted towards the hill in the forest not far away. I have decided that this is the day I set myself free, the moment I leave all my troubles and pain behind me. I am no longer that boy that is bound by invisible strings; caged within an unseen steel cage. Tonight is the start of my true journey – no longer hiding under a guise. I am finally stripping myself of the what ifs that has longed governed my mortal self.

I was panting from the long run I’ve been in, but the cold wind and the view of a never-ending path renewed my lungs of every bit of air I seem to have lost and have been chasing. As the night progressed on, I lay myself to sleep perched on the largest tree I could find. Sleep came to me faster than any other night I’ve lived so far.

[astarteyllafera]

Blaze

You're powerful beyond reasonable doubt. However, power alone isn't enough to quell the dark forces that linger in this world; those that have long plagued this Earth - governing the way things flow. Use your emotions as fuel for that blazing fire within, all the while believing that you have what it takes to change this wretched land. Soar higher than the stars and gaze upon the entirety of this fragmented Earth. Don't give up on it, for it is by the action of many 'ones' that could cause a cascade of events, therefore changing the playing field between light and dark. It is by your actions; we could finally call forth light to reach the deepest realms that gave up on the spark brought about by hope. Be the candle in the darkness, the moon above those who remain grounded, let them look up and be amazed by the light and beauty you bring – illuminating the different paths before them. Be the light.

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - IV

I stared intently at the ceiling; RELUCTANT to get up. The dream I just had was so VIVID, with a feeling of regret looming over me because it ended. I guess even my subconscious self thinks of you constantly; those eyes that glimmer like the stars in the night sky, that smile that seem to command the butterflies in my stomach to just surge and soar. It’s frustrating really; to get a taste of complete enlightenment, only for it to be taken away just as easily – leaving nothing but an UNCANNY craving from deep within. Like a THIEF you stole the voices in my head – leaving nothing but a scene of pure serenity. Amidst this CRYPTIC world of uncertainty, I lay here silent, and the reason is clear. The reason is…

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - III

I guess FATE has a twisted way of letting things be. Yet again, here I am, torn APART – shattered to countless unrecognizable pieces beyond repair. It’s tiring to feel this way, to feed so much energy into a DREAM, hoping for a better tomorrow; one where I’d be fed the warmth I longingly desire – filling the empty spaces of the void. Only for that dream to be smitten by hopelessness; DISAPPEARING like the sun over the horizon. However, as I stare at the stars illuminating the night sky, tiny flickers of light that try to vanquish the darkness, the nearly spent fire of hope within me is renewed; fueled if you may. That if I keep moving forward, the LIFETIME of happiness and love I crave, shall soon be within my grasp. And when that day comes, I am sure to never let go of it no matter what.

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - II

There was an uninvited feeling that tore through my mind; immediately activating the CHOLERIC side I keep hidden beneath layers upon layers of emotions. But, once again, LOVE was able to permeate through - hitting its target dead on. The act never fails to BEDAZZLE me, for no matter where I am or what I’m doing, that wretched emotion always gets the better of me. I stared into the night sky, sighing heavily as I let the irritability go. Wishing for the day when I’d feel happy and contented whenever the emotion, I despise befalls me. For when that time comes, I know I am no longer that lonely kid who seeks to find that someone who would reciprocate the same feeling I’ve gone and given a thousand times before, only to be rejected the same amount of times too. The night sky twinkled steadily as my frustration lessened, the RANDOM pattern, staring back at me and whatever lie beneath its starry gaze; miles upon miles of open fields, AGRIBUSINESS, and cityscapes, with the people who feel the same way I do – presenting the same set of view against the cold darkness, with the same set of advice for everyone who gazes upon them; the light of hope is ever so present, even in the endless darkness of the void.

[astarteyllafera]

Five Random Words - I

I was out on my nightly stroll, underneath a barely lit sky. A chilling silence surrounded me, with only my footsteps making any sound. The trees too were quiet, not a rustle nor a chirp. Something heavy lurked in the air. This is supposed to be a FELICFIC moment to reflect, yet something seems to bother me; something feels out of place. As I grew tired traversing the MAZY path I was in, I took a break on a ledge facing a calm lake. With low-lying trees on every turn and corner. My mind felt playful as I saw a dark figure move in the shadows – causing me to IMPEDE my quest for peace and serenity.

There was a sharp voice in my head screaming loudly, for me to turn away, to run faster than my legs ever did. However, curiosity got the better of me and behest all the inhibitions from the voices in my head. As I did, two red eyes bore into mine, with a growl that disrupted the warm and PICTURESQUE scenery I thought stood before me. Instead, I froze like ice, with the hairs all over my body fully erect – a cold shiver, running through my spine.

I tried my best to summon all the courage I could. But all of it, was SCANT in the face of such terror. Moving slowly, it kept its gaze locked unto me. Its sharp teeth dripping with black liquid, claws outstretched – ready to strike. I caught myself uttering a silent prayer – hoping this was all but a dream. However, upon every blinking moment, reality became more and more apparent.

I thought Ghouls and Demons are of myth, but I have been proven to be very, very wrong

[astarteyllafera]

Candlelight

Atop a white marble stage, a small flame danced with the wind; swaying gracefully from side to side - inviting me to gaze upon the irregularity it offers, the uncertainty of its next move. The passion in its feet echoed around, sending surges of heat towards the stage - causing the walls to be tinged with a charcoal color; accompanied by a continuous beat of the drums. Hours upon end, the ignited spark did not falter, placing me under a trance of desire, to see what happens next - lighting the dark space within my eyes; calling for the constellations to shine brightly, to keep twinkling against the darkness. 

 As the strong winds blew, the flame was snuffed out; an ash colored air now sit in its place, ascending to the high heavens. It is equally as mesmerizing; though more fragile and more easily enticed by everything...

[astarteyllafera]

I jumped headfirst into the deep waters; courage filling my entire body to the brim – making the leap of faith I’ve been so terrified of for so long. Marching into the unknown was tricky. Especially for someone who has always chosen to stay on the safe side of things; forever encased inside invisible walls of what ifs. The water felt calming, it carried a freeing feeling with it as I let my entire body be engulfed in its comforting embrace. It swallowed by fears, my worries, my cares; dissolving even the echoing voices in my head. I spent hours upon end, letting it drown out the questions I cannot answer. I was addicted to the comfort the waters bring – terrified of the possibility that it may one day disappear. That I could no longer wallow in its clutches, or that it could no longer impress my forever thirsty self.

[astarteyllafera]

I’ve always been familiar with the roller-coaster of my emotions; racing across metallic tracks, with the numerous twists and turns; the sparks, the clangs, the friction of metal against metal. Yet there comes times like these; the thrilling ride becomes more of a trip to the shredder – with blades whirring so swiftly, waiting to gobble me up and tear me to pieces. The sharp knives baring its fangs on my pathetic frozen figure who lost the capacity to move; trapped under the massive collapse of harboring so much emotions simultaneously. If only there’s a reset button, one where I’d stop feeling everyone’s emotions swimming around me – forcing their way in, all at once. Or one that would help sort my emotions neatly; fixing the tangled mess, giving me space to breathe and not drown in the circumstance I myself created. It’s tiring to keep feeling all of this over and over. I just wish…for things to be silenced, or for someone to do it for me…

[astarteyllafera]

A Reminder

As I stare out my bedroom window, I imagine the things I could be, things I wish to accomplish, to have, to feel; earthly desires that keep my mind bounded to the ground, away from the cloudy skies of uncertainty. As my thoughts wandered, I found myself in a familiar path; the long winding road I once travelled. Plunging into memories of yesterday, nearly forgotten faces greeted me – old acquaintances I shared memories with and friends I once promised to protect, cherish, and love. There too were old beliefs I once swore by long ago, even ready to die preaching it to the ends of the earth.

It was by that rocky path I met an old friend – a younger version of myself. One so full of life, more than ready to challenge what lay in front of him, with a fire of courage and passion burning as bright as the blazing sun. He stretched out his hand; offering to show me things that I have forgotten – dreams and goals I once promised not to abandon. He led me to the fragments that I seem to have lost as I pursued forward towards the hazy horizon. He reminded me the importance of feeling every emotion, that I am stronger than I am, that I always was. Though some storms, earthquakes, eruptions, and tsunamis of emotions may cause a sizzle, a crack, or even a loud boom. I can always choose to remember who I am, who I was, and who I promised myself to be.

[astarteyllafera]

I believe. I still believe in those fairytales I’ve been told as a boy. Call me stupid or even hopeless if you wish. But I haven’t lost hope on the premise that a knight would come; a savior riding on a noble steed, one who can slay dragons, silence demons, shine light into the darkness. Or is everything just wishful thinking? Another wish that would fall short, another hope that would soon die down too. For as I take one step after another, I encounter more dragons than I ever thought I’d see, with the demons around me growing stronger as I breathe. But as I continue venturing into the scary unknown, I learn to carry my battle scars like armor, my wisdom like a torch, my experiences like a sword, while riding through the storm. Maybe I too am a knight in my own right, searching for that one person to protect and in turn protect me. Two broken yet strong puzzle pieces, wishing to be complete.