SYPNOSIS : in whichā¦ being a trainee under hybe obviously was not fun. It made your life miserable for a long time. You thought that when the time to debut finally came, things would get better. But when you see who you were to debut with, things get even worse.
warnings: things get better before they get WORSE, crying, y/n crashes out really badly in the end and might appear kind of harsh
cortis had been working nonstop for weeks.
practice after practice, evaluations after evaluations, recordings, dance rehearsals, vocal lessons. everyone looked exhausted lately. even seonghyeon stopped making comments as often because he looked too dead to even bother.
so when the company suddenly announced that friday and the weekend were completely free, the practice room exploded instantly.
tarzzan wouldāve probably fit right into this group with how loud everyone got.
keonho literally jumped up yelling while martin almost collapsed dramatically onto the floor from relief. juhoon looked half asleep but still visibly happy, and even james looked surprised for a second before quietly smiling to himself.
you felt happy too, but unlike them, you couldnāt express it openly. you couldnāt scream with them. couldnāt high five them. couldnāt celebrate with them like normal teammates would, because things still werenāt normal between you.
so while everyone else kept loudly talking over each other about what they wanted to do during the break, you quietly grabbed your bag and left the practice room first.
the second you got back to the dorm, you practically threw yourself onto your bed and immediately grabbed your phone.
you: THEY GAVE US THREE DAYS OFF
the groupchat exploded so fast it almost lagged your phone.
tarzzan: WE GOT THE WHOLE WEEK OFF
youngseo: wait that means
woochan: you can actually hang out with us
your eyes widened immediately. three whole days. three entire days with them.
your chest filled with excitement so quickly that you actually squealed loudly into your pillow, kicking your legs slightly against the mattress with a huge grin spreading across your face.
for the first time in what felt like forever, you genuinely felt happy.
and of course, that was the exact moment james walked into the room.
james stopped mid step and visibly did a double take at you. his eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion while staring at your face.
you kinda understood why. he had literally never seen you smile before. heād seen annoyed expressions, exhausted expressions, blank expressions, watery eyes, angry stares, but never a real smile showing teeth.
the second you noticed him staring, your expression immediately dropped back into annoyance out of pure instinct.
james looked away awkwardly after a second and quietly placed his phone down on his bed.
the happiness still lingered inside your chest though. you wereso happy that something strange suddenly happened.
you felt hungry for the first time in over a month. your stomach twisted slightly as you suddenly started craving spicy ramen so badly it almost hurt.
without even thinking too hard about it, you got up from the bed and headed toward the kitchen.
the moment you walked in, every conversation stopped immediately, like always.
all four of them sat around the table eating together while talking loudly over one another.
keonho and martin were arguing about some game. juhoon looked seconds away from passing out face first into his food. seonghyeon was laughing at something on his phone.
but the second you entered, silence completely swallowed the room. you ignored it. you were too happy today to care properly.
quietly, you walked toward the cabinet and grabbed one of the spicy ramen cups you bought yourself weeks ago.
honestly, you were surprised nobody ate it already, but then again, maybe they avoided touching your stuff entirely.
the thought annoyed you slightly.
you poured hot water into the cup before placing it into the microwave for seven minutes.
then you leaned back against the counter and scrolled through your phone while waiting.
the silence in the kitchen felt almost aggressive. nobody spoke. nobody laughed anymore. you could physically feel them glancing at you occasionally before quickly looking away again.
you kept pretending not to notice.
a few minutes later, james quietly walked into the kitchen too.
you looked up automatically, while he didnāt even glance at the others. he just started preparing his own food silently beside the counter.
your brows furrowed slightly, because it felt weird. nobody willingly stayed close to you anymore. usually people grabbed what they needed and immediately left, but james stayed there quietly beside you like it was normal.
you glanced at him once, confused and slightly suspicious, but he just kept doing his own thing without looking at you.
eventually, the microwave beeped.
you grabbed your ramen quickly, mixed the seasoning in, then immediately escaped toward the balcony before the awkwardness inside the kitchen swallowed you whole again.
cold air hit your face softly once you stepped outside.
you sat down in your usual chair and started eating while scrolling through the endless reels annie and tarzzan spammed you with.
most of them were stupid.
you were so distracted that the balcony door suddenly sliding open startled you badly.
you looked up immediately.
james walked outside casually holding his own ramen cup. he closed the balcony door with his foot before walking over and sitting in the only other chair across from you like this happened every day.
you paused mid chew. inside the dorm, you could literally see the others staring through the glass with confused expressions.
āā¦why are you here?ā you finally asked after a long silence.
james blew on his ramen calmly before answering. āthe balcony isnāt just yours.ā
nobody else really came out here. it became some weird unspoken rule over time that the balcony belonged to you while everyone else occupied the rest of the dorm.
āā¦okay,ā you muttered awkwardly before going back to eating.
silence settled again. but weirdly enough, it wasnāt uncomfortable.
james quietly scrolled through his phone while eating. you did the same.
after a while, james suddenly spoke again without looking up. āi can leave if you want.ā your heart immediately dropped.
the thought appeared so suddenly it startled you. you didnāt even fully understand why you didnāt want him to leave.
maybe because eating beside somebody again felt comforting after spending weeks isolated. maybe because for once, someone was willingly sitting beside you without glaring or sighing or acting disgusted. maybe because the silence between you and james felt peaceful instead of cruel.
whatever the reason was, you suddenly realized you really didnāt want to be alone again right now.
but your silence lasted slightly too long and james misunderstood immediately. he nodded faintly to himself before quietly standing up with his ramen cup. āokay.ā
panic rushed through you instantly. āplease stay.ā the words came out quickly.
james paused. he looked down at you, slightly surprised. your expression probably looked pathetic honestly. pleading eyes, tense shoulders, hands gripping your phone tightly.
after a second, he quietly sat back down again causing you immediately relaxed.
neither of you acknowledged it afterward. you just went back to scrolling through your phones quietly while eating together.
once you finished eating, you stood up slowly while holding the empty cup.
your eyes flickered toward jamesās ramen, which was empty too. yet he was still sitting there. your brows furrowed slightly.
was he waiting for you to go inside first so you wouldnāt have to stay alone outside?
the realization made something weird twist inside your chest. you quietly stepped back into the dorm. immediately, all the others looked at you, then at james.
their expressions looked completely confused.
you ignored them like always and simply walked toward the trash to throw your ramen cup away.
but for the first time since moving into this dorm, something felt slightly different.
it was one am and you were finally sure that everyone was asleep. you quietly stepped out of your room, carefully pulling the door shut behind you so juhoon wouldnāt wake up. the dorm was dark and silent except for the faint sound of the air conditioner humming somewhere in the background. for a second you thought maybe james had already left like he usually did at night, but the second you turned into the living room you nearly screamed.
james was just standing there in the dark wearing all black like some creep from a horror movie.
āwhat the hell?!ā you whisper yelled, clutching your chest. āi thought you were out.ā
he looked just as startled as you did. āno i was uhā¦ yāknowā¦ā he mumbled awkwardly, shifting on his feet while avoiding your eyes completely.
āi donāt, actually.ā you glared at him before brushing past him towards the front door.
āwait.ā his voice came out too fast. ācan i maybe come with you?ā
you stopped immediately and slowly turned around like you genuinely couldnāt believe what youād just heard. āno.ā
āplease. just this once.ā he grabbed your wrist before you could open the door, and you immediately looked down at his hand with annoyance.
āiām not going out alone. iām meeting people.ā you pulled your wrist away.
āi know.ā he said quietly. āyouāre meeting annie and tarzzan and bailey and youngseo andā¦ā
āokay congratulations?ā you cut him off instantly. āyou know who iām meeting with. why would that make me wanna bring you? weāre not friends.ā
he looked like he wanted to say something else, but nothing came out. you scoffed softly before opening the door and walking out into the hallway. for a second you almost felt guilty after seeing the look on his face, but the feeling disappeared just as quickly as it came. he had spent weeks making your life harder, staring at you during practice like he had something against you personally, and acting cold every single time you tried to exist near him. if he felt bad now then that was his problem.
you almost reached the elevator before the realization hit you.
you stopped walking and sighed heavily before dragging yourself back toward the dorm.
james was already halfway down the hallway with his hood pulled over his head, shoulders slumped.
āyou wanna meet woochan.ā you said flatly.
he froze immediately before slowly turning around. āhe told you about me?ā he asked, and for the first time since you met him he actually sounded hopeful.
āwhat? no.ā you frowned. āwhen i found out woochan was supposed to debut i searched him up online and trainee a popped up. then when i saw you at the company i thought you looked familiar. it just took me forever to realize why.ā
he nodded slowly. ādoes woochan know weāre supposed to debut together?ā
you paused for a second. āprobably. but he never brought it up. also he probably hates you. i havenāt exactly said kind words about any of you.ā
there was an awkward silence after that before you started walking again. after a few seconds you realized he still wasnāt following you.
you turned around immediately. ācan you hurry up? iām already late.ā
the relief on his face was actually embarrassing. he quickly caught up beside you, shoving his hands into his pockets while trying way too hard to act calm.
the streets were quiet while the two of you walked side by side. neither of you spoke much. both your hoods were up and your heads were down whenever people passed by. james kept walking slightly ahead of you the entire time which confused you because you never told him where you were going. somehow he already knew exactly where you were meeting the others.
you kept glancing at him every now and then. the oversized black hoodie, the way he walked with his shoulders slightly hunched forward, the hidden face. he reminded you of someone but you couldnāt tell who, and it annoyed you the more you thought about it.
when you finally got to the park the others were already there waiting near the benches. annie spotted you first and immediately stood up excitedly, but the second everyone noticed the extra person beside you they all went silent.
you and james both noticed it immediately.
james looked like he was about to pass out. his face had gone completely pale and his hands were shaking so badly it was actually concerning.
āyouāre okay.ā you quietly told him before walking over toward woochan.
woochan looked like he wanted to kill you already.
ācome here for a second.ā you said.
annie and tarzzan immediately started shoving him forward while laughing at his expression.
woochan finally walked over with tense shoulders and narrowed eyes. āy/n, what the hell.ā he muttered through gritted teeth.
you smiled innocently. ājust go talk to him. iām literally fifteen, donāt yell at me.ā
he scoffed loudly before looking over at james again. for a second neither of them moved. then woochan slowly walked over and sat beside him on one of the benches.
you immediately got tackled into a hug by annie before bailey and youngseo joined in too.
āyou disappeared again!ā annie complained while squeezing you.
ābecause im busy dealing with those immature idiots iām supposed to debut with.ā you groaned dramatically.
tarzzan laughed loudly before throwing an arm around your shoulders. āhybe finally released you from the prison?ā
the conversation instantly became loud after that. everyone kept talking over each other at the same time while trying to catch up on everything that had happened recently. annie complained aboutā¦everything, bailey talked about a producer that scared her half to death, youngseo kept roasting everybody nonstop, and tarzzan somehow turned every conversation into something stupid within seconds.
for the first time in weeks your chest didnāt feel heavy.
you laughed so hard your stomach started hurting at one point because tarzzan somehow slipped off the bench while trying to imitate one of the trainers.
every now and then you glanced over toward james and woochan.
at first both of them looked painfully awkward sitting there side by side in silence, but eventually they started talking. then talking turned into actual conversation. at some point james even laughed quietly at something woochan said, and the look on woochanās face softened immediately after hearing it.
hours passed without any of you noticing.
the sky slowly turned lighter above you while the city around the park started waking up. students in uniforms walked past half asleep while people carrying coffees headed to work. meanwhile you were currently dying in tarzzanās headlock while everyone else laughed at your suffering.
āi actually hate you!ā you yelled while trying to pry his arm off your neck.
āyouāre weak!ā tarzzan shouted back dramatically.
annie was laughing so hard she almost fell off the bench while bailey recorded the whole thing on het phone.
then suddenly tarzzan stopped laughing.
you immediately noticed the way his eyes shifted somewhere behind you before he awkwardly let go of you.
james had shot up from the bench so quickly it startled everyone.
āitās seven am!ā he shouted in panic. āthe others are awake and martin keeps calling me!ā
your soul genuinely left your body.
you immediately stood up so fast you almost tripped. āwe have to go.ā
you let out a sigh before looking back at everyone. ābye! iāll see you whenever!ā
you didnāt even wait for responses before taking off running with james right in front of you.
the two of you sprinted through the streets like actual criminals while people stared at you in confusion. students walking to school moved out of your way while you nearly crashed into multiple people trying to cross the street.
āweāre dead.ā james gasped between breaths.
āmartin called me fourteen times.ā
you were so exhausted your legs were starting to burn by the time james suddenly stopped running.
you slammed directly into his back with enough force to send both of you falling onto the sidewalk.
āwhat the hell?!ā you groaned while trying to catch your breath.
james stayed hunched over with his head down while his shoulders shook violently.
your eyes widened immediately.
you quickly crawled closer to him on the ground, ignoring the confused looks people were giving you. āwait are you crying? donāt cry please. i thought your conversation with woochan went well. you guys literally talked for hours and if he said something bad iāll actually fight him even though heās older than me and probably stronger andā¦but wait why would i fight him for you? youre mean and reallyāā
you stopped talking the second james looked up.
actual tears were in his eyes because he was laughing so hard.
you stared at him in disbelief before dropping your head into your hands. ājesus christ.ā
a breathy laugh escaped you before you could stop it.
then suddenly both of you were laughing so hard neither of you could breathe properly.
every bit of stress from the past few weeks just disappeared all at once while you sat on the sidewalk at seven in the morning looking absolutely insane.
eventually james stood up first before holding his hand out toward you, still laughing quietly under his breath.
you looked at him for a second before grabbing his hand.
neither of you bothered running again after that.
instead you just walked slowly back toward the dorm together while the city fully woke up around you. the morning air felt cold against your skin and exhaustion was finally starting to hit you properly, but somehow you didnāt really mind it anymore.
for once the silence between you and james didnāt feel uncomfortable.
the second you and james stepped into the dorm, the atmosphere completely changed.
everyone who had been scattered around the living room immediately shot up from their seats the second they saw him. martin practically sprinted across the room first while the others started talking all at once, voices overlapping loudly enough to make your already pounding head hurt even more.
āwhere the hell were you?!ā martin snapped, grabbing james by the shoulders. āyour phone was on silent, nobody knew where you went!ā
āwe thought you got caught outside!ā another voice added.
āor kidnapped honestly.ā
āhyung, i literally called you like twenty times!ā
the chaos exploded around james instantly while he stood there blinking in confusion from the sudden attention. everyone kept crowding around him at once, checking if he was okay, arguing over each other, complaining about how worried theyād been since he disappeared in the middle of the night.
you quietly slipped your shoes off near the entrance without saying anything.
not a single person looked your way.
you preferred it like that.
you were exhausted enough to pass out right there on the floor. your legs still hurt from running halfway across the city, your hoodie smelled like cold morning air, and your brain felt completely numb after staying awake all night.
you were just about to walk away when movement in front of you made you stop.
juhoon was standing there awkwardly a few feet away, hands shoved into the pockets of his sweatpants while the chaos continued loudly behind him.
he looked at you for a second before speaking quietly. āyou okay?ā
you stared at him in confusion.
āyeah?ā you answered slowly, almost sounding suspicious about why he was even asking.
he nodded once. āokay.ā
then he just walked past you toward the living room again like the interaction never happened in the first place.
you stood there for a second watching him before sighing softly and heading toward your room.
the dorm still felt noisy behind you. you could hear martin scolding james from the hallway while the others kept talking over him nonstop. surprisingly, james actually sounded awake for once while replying instead of mumbling one word answers like usual.
you changed into comfortable clothes as quickly as possible before climbing into bed. the second you got under the covers your body immediately relaxed into the mattress.
you were seconds away from passing out when the bedroom door suddenly opened again.
james walked inside, grabbed fresh clothes, and immediately headed for the bathroom without saying anything.
you barely acknowledged him.
a few minutes later he came back wearing loose sweatpants and a black hoodie, hair still damp from quickly washing his face. meanwhile you were practically unconscious already, eyes half closed while leaning against the headboard.
then james walked over and sat directly on your bed.
you slowly opened one eye.
āwell obviously iām gonna tell you what me and woochan talked about.ā he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. āduh.ā
you stared at him blankly.
he sat cross legged near your legs, looking weirdly energetic for someone who hadnāt slept at all. meanwhile you felt like your soul was actively leaving your body.
for a few seconds neither of you spoke.
james looked genuinely excited.
you looked sick. not in the good way.
finally you sighed heavily before forcing yourself slightly upright against the headboard. āgo on.ā
that was apparently all the permission he needed.
the words immediately started pouring out of him so fast you could barely even process them.
āokay so first of all he remembered literally everything. like everything. he remembered the terrible vocal lessons and the monthly tests and even that one time leo almost got us kicked out because he accidentally broke the practice room speaker and then apparently he thought i hated him before because i stopped answering after trainee a ended but i didnāt know what to say because everything got messed up after we all split up and then he told me he saw my name on the lineup list months ago but didnāt know if it was actually me because apparently there are multiple jameses in korea which is stupid because obviously it was me and thenā¦ā
you blinked slowly while staring at him. this was the most you had ever heard him speak in one sitting. he barely even talked this much with the others, yet now he was ranting nonstop while sitting on your bed at eight in the morning like he physically could not stop himself.
every now and then heād pause to laugh quietly at something woochan said earlier before immediately continuing his story again.
you mostly just listened in silence while fighting sleep.
hearing him like this felt weird.
for weeks james had been nothing but tense shoulders, annoyed glances, and awkward silence around everyone in the dorm. sometimes you genuinely forgot he was only a few years older than you because he carried himself so strangely all the time, like he constantly expected something bad to happen.
but right now he looked lighter somehow.
his eyes werenāt dull anymore and he looked happy.
you didnāt even realize youād started smiling slightly until james suddenly stopped talking mid sentence.
āwhy are you looking at me like that?ā he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
ālike iām a zoo animal.ā
you scoffed tiredly. ābecause you havenāt stopped talking for twenty minutes. i didnāt even know you could do that.ā
he looked offended immediately. āi talk.ā
he opened his mouth before immediately closing it again. āokay wellā¦you donāt talk either!ā he said, wanting to defend himself.
ācan you blame me?ā you asked.
after that the room slowly became quieter.
james kept still talking, just slower now. your responses became shorter and shorter while exhaustion finally started winning. at some point he shifted lower on the bed without even realizing it, eventually resting against your legs underneath the thick blankets.
you were too tired to care. normally, you would have kicked him off you.
your head slowly tipped sideways against the wall while james continued mumbling half asleep about woochan and trainee a and old memories that barely even made sense anymore.
eventually his voice faded completely and silence filled the room.
a few hours later, the dorm had somehow become chaotic again.
apparently the others noticed james had disappeared for an unusually long amount of time, which immediately worried everybody considering his habit of randomly leaving at night recently.
outside your bedroom door, multiple voices whispered nervously.
ādid they leave again?ā
āwhy would they leave again? arenāt they tired?ā
finally juhoon slowly opened the door just enough to peek inside.
the second he saw the two of you he visibly relaxed.
you were completely knocked out against the headboard in the worldās most uncomfortable sleeping position while james was asleep sideways across the bed, his head resting against your knees like that was completely normal.
juhoon stared for a second before quietly snorting.
behind him martin immediately pushed forward to look too.
his expression instantly changed into pure confusion. āā¦what am i looking at.ā
seonghyeon appeared behind him next, only to immediately frown at the sight inside the room. keonho looked over his shoulder too before his face twisted into annoyance almost instantly.
āsince when are they close?ā seonghyeon muttered, sounding weirdly irritated about it.
keonho just rolled his eyes dramatically before grabbing seonghyeon by the sleeve and dragging him away from the door.
martin kept staring inside the room with the most confused expression imaginable while juhoon quietly shut the door again before anyone could wake either of you up.
inside the room neither of you moved once.
for the first time since joining the company, both you and james actually looked peaceful.
when you finally woke up, your entire body felt disgusting.
your throat was painfully dry, your hoodie was sticking to your skin from sweat, and your neck hurt horribly from sleeping against the headboard for god knows how many hours. for a second you just sat there blinking slowly at the dark room while trying to figure out what time it was.
then you noticed james wasnāt there.
you frowned slightly before grabbing your phone from beside you. the brightness almost blinded you instantly.
you stared at the screen in disbelief.
you had slept the entire day away.
before you could process that properly, loud laughter suddenly echoed through the dorm from the living room. multiple voices talked over each other while some action movie played loudly in the background.
your stomach growled painfully.
you dragged yourself out of bed and lazily walked toward the kitchen while rubbing your eyes. the dorm lights felt way too bright after sleeping all day. everyone in the living room was too distracted by the movie to notice you walking past, which honestly made things easier.
you opened multiple cabinets searching for something quick to eat before finally finding a half crushed bag of chips shoved in the back of one drawer.
you grabbed the bag and yawned loudly while walking behind the couch toward the balcony.
the movie was ridiculously loud. some actor was screaming while explosions played in the background and martin kept reacting dramatically to everything happening onscreen like his life depended on it.
before stepping outside, you heard james quietly ask seonghyeon, ācan you grab my charger from my room? i forgot it.ā
ālazy.ā seonghyeon muttered.
you didnāt stick around long enough to hear the response.
the cold night air immediately hit your face the second you stepped onto the balcony, and honestly it felt amazing after waking up sweaty and overheated. you dropped into the chair you always sat in and opened the chips while scrolling aimlessly through your phone.
you wished you had your diary with you.
your fingers twitched slightly at the thought.
writing had become almost automatic at this point. every night after everyone slept, youād quietly sit there and write down every stupid thought that crossed your mind because it was easier than actually talking to people.
it was embarrassing honestly.
nobody knew how much stuff was in there.
you sighed heavily before standing up from the chair.
you quietly walked back inside and toward your room while crunching on chips absentmindedly. the movie was still playing loudly behind you, mixed with random yelling from the others.
once you stepped inside the bedroom, your eyes immediately moved toward the top of your bedside drawer.
you froze, because your diary wasnāt there.
you couldāve sworn you left it there before falling asleep earlier.
you set the chips down before checking properly. maybe it fell behind the drawer or got shoved somewhere under the blanket while you slept.
your stomach immediately twisted uncomfortably.
you crouched down and pulled your suitcase out from under the bed, quickly unzipping it. clothes immediately spilled everywhere while you searched through it faster and faster.
your breathing started speeding up slightly.
you ripped through the rest of your stuff, throwing hoodies, shirts, notebooks, chargers, literally everything across your side of the room. drawers got opened aggressively. blankets got thrown onto the floor. your entire side of the bedroom looked destroyed within minutes.
actual panic started settling into your chest now.
because the thing was, you never took that diary outside the dorm.
which meant it had to be somewhere inside the dorm.
which meant somebody had it.
you immediately rushed back toward the living room.
your voice made him look away from the movie instantly.
he hummed quietly. āwhat?ā
you tried your best to sound normal even though your chest was practically caving in. ādo you remember that pink notebook you asked me about like a month ago?ā
james nodded immediately. āthe one where you write lyrics every night?ā
āyeah.ā you forced out. āhave you seen it?ā
his expression changed slightly at your tone. āwasnāt it on top of your bedside drawer this morning?ā
everyoneās attention slowly shifted toward you two now.
āthis morning.ā you repeated tightly. ānow itās gone. i looked everywhere.ā
the movie was basically background noise at this point.
james stared at you for a second before immediately standing up. āiāll check my side.ā
you followed him instantly down the hallway.
the second you were away from the others, james lowered his voice. āyou donāt write lyrics in there, do you.ā
you looked at him tiredly.
āitās a diary.ā he said quietly, already knowing.
you groaned softly while rubbing your face. āi genuinely donāt know why i keep lying to you anymore. you literally figure everything out.ā
ābecause youāre bad at lying.ā
āiām not, though. youāre just a good observer.ā
he ignored that completely and started checking his side of the room carefully while you stood there anxiously pulling at your sleeves.
then james suddenly opened the bedroom door again. ājuhoon.ā
a few seconds later juhoon appeared looking mildly annoyed at being dragged away from movie night.
james explained quickly. āher notebookās missing.ā
he purposely avoided mentioning it was a diary.
juhoon looked at you for a few seconds silently before speaking.
āthatās a diary, right?ā
you blinked at him. āhow do you know that?ā
he looked completely unimpressed. āiām a light sleeper. you wake me up half the time when you hide it in your suitcase at night.ā he shrugged slightly. āalso nobody hides lyric notebooks like government secrets.ā
you rolled your eyes aggressively. āokay whatever. can you please just help me find it?ā
juhoon sighed before lazily looking around the room. āsure. but if someone stole it, they definitely wouldnāt hide it near my stuff.ā
still, the three of you searched again anyway.
the room stayed completely silent afterward, because slowly, all three of you seemed to realize the exact same thing at once.
the diary had to still be inside the dorm.
which meant someone from the group had taken it.
your stomach dropped horribly.
james looked tense immediately.
ādonāt involve me in whatever mess this turns into.ā juhoon muttered while already walking back toward the door. he walked back toward the living room, leaving you and james alone in the destroyed bedroom.
for a few seconds neither of you spoke.
then james quietly said, āwhoever has it probably hasnāt read much yet or hasnāt read it at all.ā
you looked at him immediately. āhow do you know?ā
ābecause if they did, the dorm would already be on fire.ā
the next few days felt painfully tense.
even though nobody mentioned the diary out loud anymore, the thought of it never left your mind for even a second. every time you walked into a room and conversation suddenly stopped, your chest tightened. every time seonghyeon glanced at you for too long or keonho whispered something quietly to martin, your stomach twisted horribly.
you started paying attention to everything.
every expression, every weird interaction, every single glance.
martin was the first person you crossed off mentally. you still didnāt particularly like him, and he definitely didnāt like you either, but after watching him for days you realized he just didnāt seem cruel enough to do something like this. annoying? yes. loud? absolutely. but invading somebodyās privacy like that felt too calculated for him.
which left seonghyeon and keonho.
honestly, you leaned more toward seonghyeon. he had this habit of pretending he didnāt care while clearly caring way too much, and the way he kept avoiding eye contact with you lately was starting to look suspicious.
but you couldnāt fully tell.
and not knowing was driving you insane.
somehow, despite everything happening, things between you, james, and juhoon had gotten strangely better.
you still wouldnāt exactly call your friendship with juhoon normal because most of your conversations still sounded like passive aggressive arguments half the time, but there was something weirdly comfortable about him now. maybe it was because he knew more about you than you originally thought. maybe it was because he never treated you delicately after finding out about the diary. he just acted the same as always, and honestly you appreciated that more than expected.
with james though, things had completely changed.
the two of you were together constantly now.
training, convenience store runs, late night talks, random walks around the city whenever the dorm felt suffocating. at some point people just accepted that if one of you was somewhere, the other probably wasnāt far behind.
everyone thought it was weird.
especially considering how much you used to hate each other.
even martin pointed it out once during dinner. Yes, dinner. James wouldnāt let you eat alone anymore. āyou two are actually attached at the hip now. itās creepy.ā
āmind your business.ā you immediately replied.
āsee?ā martin pointed between you two dramatically. āthat was synchronized.ā
james just laughed quietly beside you while eating.
right now, the three of you were walking back from the corner store carrying way too many snacks and random junk food that none of you actually needed. juhoon walked slightly ahead while checking something on his phone, and you and james kept laughing at some stupid story he was telling about woochan accidentally falling asleep during practice years ago.
the second the three of you stepped inside, everything stopped.
your laughter died immediately.
because sitting in the living room were martin, seonghyeon, and keonho and in seonghyeonās hands was your diary.
for a second you genuinely couldnāt breathe.
they were so focused reading that they didnāt even notice you come in until the plastic bags slipped from your hands and hit the floor loudly.
all three of them looked up instantly.
you moved before even thinking.
you stormed across the room and ripped the diary straight out of seonghyeonās hands so harshly the pages bent painfully.
āwhat the fuck is wrong with you?ā your voice came out shaky immediately.
your eyes dropped to the open page and your stomach dropped.
they were reading the worst page.
the page where you finally snapped weeks ago and wrote everything down after crying yourself to sleep. every disgusting thought youād been forcing down for months was right there in messy handwriting across the pages.
how miserable they made you. how you dreaded coming back to the dorm every night. how exhausting it was constantly feeling unwanted. how you memorized everybodyās schedules just to avoid accidentally making them uncomfortable by existing near them. how badly they destroyed your mental health without even realizing it. how badly you wanted to leave.
something inside you completely broke.
āare you happy now?ā your voice cracked instantly. āseriously, are you proud of yourselves?ā
the room stayed dead silent. you threw the diary back on to the table, and it landed in front of seonghyeon.
you laughed bitterly while tears started streaming down your face almost immediately. āi never bothered any of you. i never did anything wrong to you people and you still treated me like absolute shit every single day.ā
your voice just kept getting louder.
ādo you even realize how exhausting you all are to be around? do you realize i had to learn your schedules like some fucking psycho just so i wouldnāt accidentally run into you in this dorm because i knew youād all look annoyed the second you saw me?ā
martin looked horrified. keonho was frozen. seonghyeon looked like he genuinely wanted the floor to swallow him whole.
āyou all made me feel insane for months. every single time i walked into a room youād go quiet or stare at me like i was ruining your day just by existing there. do you know how humiliating that feels?ā your breathing became uneven while tears kept falling faster. āiām fifteen. iām literally fifteen years old and i spent months feeling scared to walk around my own dorm because of you people.ā
james quietly stepped closer beside you but didnāt interrupt.
your hands were shaking violently now.
āand then instead of acting like normal fucking human beings you steal my diary? my diary? do you know how disgusting that is?ā your voice nearly echoed through the dorm at this point. āyou invaded the only thing i had that was actually private because apparently making my life miserable during the day wasnāt enough for you people.ā
seonghyeon finally opened his mouth quietly. āy/nā¦ā
the way you snapped it made everyone freeze immediately.
you glared at him so harshly it almost startled yourself.
your hands shook uncontrollably at your side.
for one horrible second, you genuinely wanted to slap him across the face, and everybody noticed.
martinās eyes widened instantly, keonho straightened up, and seonghyeon visibly tensed, glancing between your hand and your face with visible worry.
james grabbed your wrist immediately before you could even think further.
āy/n, calm down first.ā he said quietly.
you laughed angrily through tears. āiāve been calm for months.ā
james tightened his grip slightly. āplease.ā
āno.ā your voice cracked badly. āi kept my mouth shut this entire time because i thought eventually things would get better and they never did. so what now? they get to act like iām the problem and iām just supposed to sit there quietly forever?ā
āyouāre upset right now.ā james tried carefully. āyouāre saying things youāll regret later.ā
you turned toward him immediately. āno iām not.ā
the entire room stayed silent.
āi mean every single word iām saying right now.ā your voice shook violently. āand i meant every single thing i wrote in that diary too. none of that was written because i was dramatic or emotional. it was the truth.ā
nobody even tried interrupting anymore.
āthose pages exist because thatās genuinely how horrible you people made this experience for me.ā you looked directly at seonghyeon while speaking now. āyou act like disgusting fucking bullies and then stand there shocked when somebody finally says it out loud.ā
seonghyeon looked physically sick at this point.
āy/nā¦ā martin finally spoke quietly.
then james suddenly spoke firmly without taking his eyes off seonghyeon.
āgive her the diary. now.ā
seonghyeon grabbed it slowly with shaky hands before holding it toward you.
you stared at it for a second.
then immediately shoved it right back against his chest.
āwhy the fuck would i want it back?ā you laughed bitterly. āyou already read everything.ā
seonghyeon looked devastated hearing that, but you obviously didnāt care. why should you? they never cared when you were on the verge of ending it all.
you turned around immediately before anyone could stop you.
juhoon was still standing near the entrance completely silent, watching everything with an unreadable expression.
for a second your eyes met.
then you walked straight past him, yanked the dorm door open, and slammed it shut hard enough to shake the walls behind you.
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TAGLIST CLOSED (if i missed anyone, please tell me! this blew up literally overnight and i made the taglist like two minutes before i had to write my exam so i was kinda stressing)
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