₪ 03 -> maggots for brains
₪ genre: fake texts, smau, fluff, angst, idol! martin, popstar!reader, series smau, + writing below
series masterlist -> here
Subject: Concerning Behavior Changes During Album Production ARTIST LOG
02:41 PM - Team has landed in LA, YN appears unusually energetic considering travel time and lack of sleep. Observed smiling at phone while walking through baggage claim, was seen giggling and laughing at phone.
03:12 PM - YN now appears sad and has stopped checking her phone. She was not on her phone whole car ride and eventually ended up falling asleep.
Manager comments, “I thought she'd be too excited to sleep after finally getting a hold of her boyfriend” (I don't think she was tired I think she was disappointed…)
05:00 PM - YN and her team have arrived at the studio.
06:18 PM - YN has been struggling with song writing for nearly forty minutes now. She has requested multiple retakes and has ignored requests to take a small break.
07:15 PM - YN has been on her phone smiling for a few seconds now, she laughed and requested for the team to take a small break (?)
She has left the vocal booth almost SKIPPING, I deadass have not seen her ever walk that fast
07:25 PM - YN returns back with eyes noticeably red as if she had cried.
06:00 AM - YN has arrived at studio. She was in a good mood between vocal takes, writing, and producing/
07:32 AM - YN has begun checking her phone between nearly every vocal take (?)
08:55 AM - Final approval for Track 04 by everyone except YN.
She keeps stating, “almost done listening” but she only replayed the song once.
Team took a small break to let YN decide, YN stayed in the room as she continuosly checked her phone.
Typing, locking screen, unlocking screen, checking for replies, typing again, & this cycle went on for 10 minutes.
09:35 AM - Producers told YN, “ If there's something wrong with the mix just tell us”
09: 46 AM - After one hour of waiting YN finally approved the mix.
After small talk, where YN did not speak, everyone was release to go home for the morning.
YN left without saying goobye, studio door was slamed closed louder than necessary, YN was seen angry but not at the song.
DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI DNI
i walked out the booth to take a small break but i overheard yn and her manager complaining about the new producer that will work on the album, nothing unusual since the producer was being a dick….. i was planning to ignore this convo until i heard her manager say “ just tell martin later, im sure he has bigger and stronger connections than i do” stays quiet then laughs and adds on “plus he is also a producer so i'm sure hell be on your side” WTF WHO THE HELL IS MARTIN WHAT. ok but before i left to ask myself who this martin guy is yn finallyt answers BUT IN A VERY SAD TONE “he's always busy so i dont know” and boom they walked back into the booth and i was left there hiding LOOKING LIKE A DAMN IDIOT. no but deadass who is martin, if i had to guess i would say he's most likley her bf but shes very sad for a girl whos inlove tbh so like idk……
UPDATE: TMZ PHOTOGRAPH YN CRYING IN HER CAR????????????????????
UPDATE 2: studio was very awkward today but the other intern did say how he overheard that yn was crying due to her bf but bro that doesn't answer anything. this is very confusing
UPDATE 3: heard yn say her and her have broken up gulp
i don’t think im writing this because im angry i think im writing it because im scared that a few months from now i'll convince myself none of this was a big deal, that i'll remember how much i love him and forget why i asked for the break in the first place
i love martin but that has never been the problem. the problem is that somewhere along the way i stopped feeling like my own person and i started waiting for him without even realizing it. i'd wait to eat because maybe he’d text and ask me if i'd had dinner. i'd wait to go to sleep because maybe he’d finally have time to call. i'd cancel plans because he might become free. i planned entire days around the possibility of hearing from him, and when he didn’t text, it felt like my whole day disappeared with it
i even stopped telling him when good things happened because by the time he replied, the excitement had already faded. i realized i was waiting for his reaction before i let myself celebrate my own accomplishments
every time he said, “tomorrow,” i believed him. every single time. hell, i knew his schedule better than my own. i knew when rehearsals ended, when interviews usually wrapped up, when he’d probably be asleep. i checked when he was online more than I checked my own emails. i started apologizing for texting my own boyfriend because I was terrified of becoming another obligation on his schedule
but i think the worst part of all of this is that he never asked me to do any of this
he never told me to wait, he never told me to stop living my life, he never asked me to make him my whole world. I just did
and that’s what scares me the most. i depended on him for everything without meaning to. whether i had a good day depended on whether my phone lit up with his name. one text from him could make everything feel okay again, and one day without hearing from him could ruin my entire mood. that’s not love well at least i don’t think it’s supposed to be, and i didn’t even notice it happening until I couldn’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy without him being a part of it
i don’t want to need someone that much, not because martin did anything wrong but because if one person’s availability determines whether I eat, sleep, smile, celebrate, or even feel okay then i know i have lost something important. myself.
i still love him and i always will but I don’t think love is supposed to make you forget who you are when the other person isn’t around. maybe this break isn’t about learning how to live without martin but maybe it’s about remembering how to live with myself again
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