astrology at its lamest

hey pretty lady, what's your sign? ;)

[zodiacqueens]

The signs in the Zombie Apocalypse

Aries: Died in the first hour, probably got caught sitting on the toilet

Taurus: Becomes a Zombie killing god, kills the equivalent of New York

Gemini: Dies of dysentery

Cancer: Becomes the leader of an army, just like a Walking Dead villain 

Leo: Claimed an entire Costco for themselves, lives forever

Virgo: Cries in a corner and drinks 13-week old Gatorade 

Libra: Survived for 7 months then killed by another human

Scorpio: The first to become infected

Sagittarius: Got bit in the arm so they cut it off and replaced it with a chainsaw

Capricorn: Kills travelers for their stuff

Aquarius: Accidentally steps in a bear trap and dies of blood loss

Pisces: Develops a cure

[astrololame]

Things About a Laundromat That Remind Me of the Signs

Aries: the soda machine

Taurus: watching the clothes spin

Gemini: all of the different types of people; imagining everyone's backstory

Cancer: the strange sense of community among patrons, even when nobody knows each other

Leo: the parking lot and all of its cracks and stains, but it still makes you feel alive

Virgo: how hot the air feels when you're near the dryers

Libra: the smell of laundry detergents, bleach, and fabric softener

Scorpio: the clanging of quarters all the time

Sagittarius: those baskets on wheels and the urge to ride in them

Capricorn: folding blankets

Aquarius: the way time feels like it never passes or changes

Pisces: when it gets past 8 pm and everything seems magical

[astrololame]

How I Express Myself

Jupiter: I am the most generous when:

Saturn: I create memories the best when:

Uranus: I am original when:

Neptune: I am the most creative when:

Pluto: I expand and grow when:

-

House I: I embrace myself.

House II: I am confident.

House III: I communicate.

House IV: I am at home.

House V: I am free.

House VI: I serve others.

House VII: I am in love.

House VIII: I feel passionate.

House IX: I philosophize.

House X: I am in public.

House XI: I am with friends.

House XII: I am hidden.

[starprincesspisces]

Their cuddles could save: Gemini, Cancer, Sagittarius, Virgo Their kisses could kill: Aquarius, Capricorn, Leo, Scorpio Their hugs could cure: Taurus, Pisces, Libra, Aries

[astrollusion-deactivated2018100]

Cancer nurtures emotions

Scorpio learns and gains from emotions

Pisces uses their emotional knowledge to heal others

[memeufacturing-deactivated20161]

it is always a good idea to cover every problem that you may have during the full Tumblr Experience

[astrololame]

The Signs as Whatever The Fuck Is Happening In This Picture:

Aries: It's not funny anymore The act is up fucker Taurus: Girl Scout Cookie Gemini: The green man doesn't stop Cancer: It has caused me Distress,it has stolen my Mother's Maiden Name Leo: "and general weirdness" Virgo: Help me, Tumblr Libra: Someone has more hot babes than me Scorpio: John green has stolen my childhood pet's corpse Sagittarius: it is causing a ruckus , a kerfuffle infact Capricorn: The little man is after me again Aquarius: A post has taken me to be some kind of animal or unsapient being Pisces: Something else

[geminintp]

The ‘I notice everything. I just act like I dont’ squad

Pisces, GEMINI, Scorpio, Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer, Libra

[veryfemmeandantifascist]

YES

[zodiacfunandsuch]

What the signs don't want to hear you say

Aries: Nobodys going to love you with how you are.

Taurus: You’re a horrible person.

Gemini: you’re so annoying.

Cancer: you’re not worth it.

Leo: You’re not special, you’re replaceable.

Virgo: You’re such a let down.

Libra: I never want to see you again.

Scorpio: I don’t love you.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing to you, you can’t even show your emotions.

Capricorn: I don’t need you anymore.

Aquarius: We were never friends.

Pisces: Get in touch with reality, you’re never going to make it.

[tapeducttemporary-deactivated20]

at a really specific time @ night i feel like i wanna fall in love or som shit lmao but then i wake up and im ok again

[rhosilie-deactivated20191111]

gemini, virgo, sagittarius, aquarius

[slimetony]

hey people who know astrology shit. ive been having a lot of feeligs lately. any planets i can blame that on.

[astrololame]

Things The Signs Have Said That Break My Heart

Aries: Was I ever anything more than a sad kid? I thought the drugs would help, but they just make you sadder and a little deader. I really tried my best, but I don't think there's much use anymore. Nobody cared then, and nobody cares now.

Taurus: I'm sorry, but I fell in love with you. I watch you move and I'm captivated. The world slows down just a little bit when I look at you. I wanna kiss your long neck, and run my fingers through your curly hair. I wanna listen to you talk for hours about old movies and bad music. I wanna hear every word that you have to say. But I can't, because you're in love with someone else

Gemini: I dreamed so much as a little kid. All those dreams are dead know. The world has a lot of fun killing little girls dreams.

Cancer: Please don't go! Stay! Stay! I need you to stay! No one ever stays.

Leo: I used to be special. Everyone thought I was going to be this amazing person. They thought I would do great things, but look at me. I'm nothing. If I was anything, it would be a failure.

Virgo: She just left. She didn't say anything. In one simple second, all the love and laughter that we had, was ripped from both of us. She just decided she did't feel like loving me anymore.

Libra: It's all gone. Any hope that I had is gone.

Scorpio: Do you think that if I get prettier, he might look at me like he used to? Maybe he'll love me again.

Sagittarius: The whole world is at my fingertips, they say, but I can't seem to ever grab it.

Capricorn: I could tell she didn't love me anymore. She would smile, but in her eyes I could see the pity and slight disgust she had for me. I tried to stop loving her, but I couldn't. I felt pathetic, like I was stood up. But this time I couldn't just go home and forget about it the next day. She was, and still is, my everything.

Aquarius: I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want to be trapped in my mind. I want to live again. I just want to see the light one more time.

Pisces: Could you just tell me you love me? You don't have to mean it. I just want, for a second, to feel loved.

[astrololame]

scale of 1-10 of evilness

Aries: 10/10

Taurus: 4/10

Gemini: 2/10

Cancer: 8/10

Leo: 9/10

Virgo: 0/10

Libra: 7/10

Scorpio: 5/10

Sagittarius: 1000/10

Capricorn: 100/10

Aquarius: satan

Pisces: 1/10

[astrolocherry]

gemini: who am i today? libra: who will i need to be today? capricorn: who do i want to be today? pisces: what will i become today? aquarius: what am i even?

[astrololame]

The signs and socializing

Needs to take a break every 10 minutes: Cancer, Aquarius

Never stops talking: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius

Sits quietly and observes: Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces

Is nice to a fault: Taurus, Virgo, Libra

[astrololame]

signs & cute things my cat does

Aries: rubs his cheek on my nose

Taurus: syncs our breaths together when we’re taking naps

Gemini: kicks his feet whenever he’s dreaming

Cancer: blinks really hard when i tell him i love him

Leo: lets out tiny meows when i wake him up

Virgo: lays on the exact same spot on my bed every night.

Libra: sits across the table from me when i eat

Scorpio: waits at the window until i come home

Sagittarius: only ever meows when i’m opening his food

Capricorn: lets me lay on his tummy when i’m crying

Aquarius: licks my hand when i pet his tummy

Pisces: puts his forehead against mine and closes his eyes

[lilastrobabe]

the signs as skies

Aries: blue skies at sunset with imperial yellow clouds. looks like the world is about to end. breathtaking.

Taurus: sunrises, pinkish-orange with a few loose clouds that let escape sunshine. looks like a painting. lovely.

Gemini: peaceful, white snowy skies at 2 a.m. where you can see the stars shine and a glowing crescent moon. nostalgic.

Cancer: the sky at noon, bluest sky, a couple of puffy clouds. filled with trails of departing airplanes. calm but animated.

Leo: the sky right before nightfall. purple sky that forcefully merges into pink. a blinding sun in the horizon. majestic.

Virgo: frisky, glowing and very pale morning sky. splattered layers of clouds that mix to turn into something pale yellow. refreshing.

Libra: foggy sky that is thickly covered with clouds. the sun glows through them and a few rainbows appear. whimsical.

Scorpio: strange purple/pink apocalyptic sky. swooshed clouds, looks like the sky is going to collapse. passionate.

Sagittarius: pink haze, misty. the clouds all seem to be pulled towards one same spot. mystic but bright.

Capricorn: empty sky at 12 a.m. the full moon radiates the most light and you can see all the stars. alluring and picturesque.

Aquarius: bright blue sky that gradually turns pink, then orange, then yellow near the sun. heavy purple clouds. stunning.

Pisces: the sky of the north, where you can see swirls of green/purple auroras borealis hanging above. dreamy.

[nwkzjajznwzjwnzjwnzj-deactivate]

The kiss of the signs

- Sun, Venus. Also, if you would like, Moon and Mars - 

Aries: They have a light hand on your side, and their top lip above yours. Taking small breaths in between to take you all in, they make that single moment seem magical.

Taurus: Their lips are powerful and strong, and protective. Their is so much energy in their kiss that you are lost. It is long and you never want it to stop, it feels like they have a forcefield around you.

Gemini: They give short and playful kisses, pausing to smile at you every now and again. They sigh from happiness as they gaze at your lips, and it all starts again.

Cancer: The kiss that reminds you of home. It is soft, it is warm. They are the bottom lip, never letting you fall. Their kiss let’s you know you are safe. It is slow, with slight pressure.

Leo: They have mastered the art of showing their love with just one kiss. They come to you soft, and leave you like they just signed your lips. They pause, breathe out, and slowly sign you one more time.

Virgo: Their kiss conveys selfless and happiness. They lose breath from kissing you so much and gaze into your eyes afterwards. Their kiss is firm, reminding you of how much you are loved.

Libra: They play with your lips first, softly touching theirs against yours. They pause to look at you, and then give you a cheeky, quick kiss. When you don’t expect it, they slowly caress your cheek, and kiss you long and slow.

Scorpio: They leave a pressure on your lips for weeks. You will not forget it. In the moment, it is hard to focus, because the passion they press against your lips is so pure and so great. 

Sagittarius: It’s up beat and hard. Almost like they are teasing you, they kiss hard and fast. Eventually, it slows down, and their love shows through the firm pressure of their lips.

Capricorn: A humble kiss, very soft and proud of you. They show their love with the brush of their cracked lips, and the breath they take beforehand. It is like kissing artwork.

Aquarius: A triumphant kiss. Hard and with pressure, reminding you that - in that moment - you’re both top of the world. Perhaps biting your lip and giggling softly, they keep it fun.

Pisces: The cinematic kiss, they slow down and speed up. They want you to feel like a movie star. Their soft lips feel like the last piece of the puzzle against yours.