Self-Soothe | Distress Tolerance
So you’re in distress. You’re feeling the fire build and those urges are rising and you know there’s an explosion on the horizon. What if instead of doing something that hurts, you did something that felt good, that was kind to yourself? This is where self-soothe comes in as a distress tolerance option.
<I’ve combined self-soothe here with treat yo self (of course from that infamous Parks and Rec episode) bc fuck the rules. I think it’s similar to self-soothe and should be used both as distress tolerance AND as a preventative, self-compassionate tool.>
Self-soothe is all about the senses, so there are 5 parts (sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing). The idea is to treat your body to the opposite of what you actually want to do to it. So instead of self-harming, you caress, you coddle, you embrace, you swaddle yourself in soft love. Now, you may be thinking ‘what the fuck???’ but just like every DBT skill, you don’t have to really buy into it 100% to get started. You can think it’s a load of crap, you just have to do it anyway. When you see it working, then you can believe it.
What’s important about self-soothe is that you throw your entire self into it. Focus your whole mind on each sensation. In essence, participate in self-soothing mindfully.
Here are some activities for each of the senses you can do to self-soothe:
Sight: Go for a walk and look up into the trees. Look at some rad art. Get yourself some flowers and put them by your bedside or where you eat or somewhere you can see them easily. Watch a video or a movie that you really like, that’s pleasing to look at. Put your eyes out there in nature. Decorate your room with things that make you happy.
Smell: Get yourself some scented candles and burn those m*therf*ckers. Burn some incense. Get some potpourri. Make some tea and whiff that. Bury your nose in those flowers that you bought yourself or found on your walk. Make your favorite food and savor the smell of it. Put your face in your laundry. Do the do with essential oils if that’s your jam. Just smell whatever smells good and bask in it.
Hearing: Play your favorite music. Listen to rain sounds or birds chirping or whatever feels good to your ears. Drum on something and listen to that. Listen to whatever you can hear and linger on each sound.
Taste: Make or get yourself your favorite food or a special treat. Savor it, every part of the process. Chew gum. Nibble on some candy. Sip that tea you made. (For those of you that struggle with disordered eating, be cautious of this skill. Know yourself and your limits. Perhaps do the other senses instead.)
Touch: Wrap yourself in a soft, fuzzy blanket. Squeeze your favorite stuffed animal. Pet your dog, cat, lizard, bird, whatever. Brush your hair. Paint your nails. Take a bath with some bubbles or a snazzy bath bomb. Use a face mask. Put make up on. Wear fleece pajamas. Stick your toes in a river or some kind of water.
This may sound all ~soft pale glitter girly~ to some of you. You may be thinking ‘I’m too punk rock for this’ (I joke but that was literally me). First of all, fuck gender norms and the gender binary. Self-care isn’t gendered. Second, treating yourself with care can really make a difference. Your mind responds to how you treat your body. It can change your mood and it can definitely help you survive destructive urges. What’s important is that you try these, do each mindfully, focusing wholly on the sensation, and then notice what works so you can do them again next time.
Now, on the topic of treat yo self:
Treat Yo Self is, of course, from the show Parks and Recreation (highly recommend). Donna and Tom have one day a year that they dedicate to treating themselves. They buy themselves things, go to the spa, have a nice meal. It’s all about making one random day special, making it about YOU. It doesn’t always have to be expensive or extravagant, either.
I’d like to propose an adapted version of treat yo self, one which uses the concept of #mood to turn average moments into something special. (This sounds like an academic paper on millennial speak doesn’t it lol). Calling something a mood can do a lot of things. It can normalize something stigmatized (see: mental illness). It can also romanticize something unromantic. Let me explain.
I believe a key to happiness is turning ordinary moments into something special. Say for instance if I am staying in the for the night and have no plans. I could get a little down about feeling lonely or enter a spiral of sadness, or I could turn my night in into an event. If I wanted to watch a movie that night, instead of simply plopping on the couch and turning on the tv, I’d pop popcorn, put it in a special bowl, get my softest blanket, dim the lights, and make an evening of it. If I wanted to do some reading, I’d make a cup of tea, light a candle, put on some soft music. I’m making something totally generic romantic in a way. I’m turning an everyday activity into a #mood. Of course you can do these things without calling anything a mood (I know I’m a bit behind on my generation’s slang) but I find that it can help eliminate any shame I have surrounding doing things alone or differently than others. If you’re into social media you can snap the experience. Sharing also helps eliminate shame but be cautious of validation-seeking behaviors. We have the power to validate ourselves!!!!!
Treat yo self can be used as a preventative tool or an in-the-moment distress tolerance skills. Treating yourself from time to time, either in the traditional sense or my adaptation, can bolster your mood and decrease the frequency and power of your episodes of distress. When you’re already in distress, it can help distract your brain and cultivate contentment to aid in your urge-surfing. And it just gives you something to do instead of destroying yourself.
You might be thinking, ‘I don’t deserve this kindness bc I am The Worst.’ Your pain is valid. That’s a thought I have a lot. But tell that brain to shut the fuck up and just do it anyway. This is an opposite action opportunity. You may hate yourself, but if you want that horrible, horrible feeling to change, you have to try everything you can. So try this. Soothe those senses. Treat yo self. It just might help.
gamechangershow
stormborns
theartofmadeline
blakekathryn
pixelskylines
gracieabrams
