Why am I not okay
If someone asked me, I could not give you a definite answer.
There’s nothing wrong with my life - I have my own room, in a house owned by my parents, I’m engaged to the most wonderful man I’ve met, I go to a good university, studying a course that I chose, I have food on the table and shelter and running water and electricity. I have trustworthy friends and a family that loves me. What more could I possibly ask for?
So why am I so sad?
My room is messy, I’ve got a headache, I feel cold, my nose is runny and my brain feels foggy.
Every time I talk, I feel like I have to repeat myself multiple times to be heard.
If my words are not coated in sugar and if it does not sound like there is honey dripping from my lips, everyone instantly asks what’s wrong with me.
When I am tired, I can not summon the energy to smile, and now I am a bitch that has ruined everyone else’s mood.
It has been nearly a year since I have seen my friends, because of the pandemic. Only one of them contact me regularly. I constantly worry that I am a burden on the rest of them. The three friends I plan to live with next year organised two parties this month. One I could not attend because I was in my last day of quarantine, the other they told me about in passing, but they did not really invite me. I said that I could make it for that one, because I thought that if they are telling me about a party, it must be because they want me to be there, right? But what if they don’t?
The girl I was closest to last year, Maria, sends short, concise replies to anything I ask her. Does she not like me anymore?
I miss going to university and mixing with different people. I miss feeling valued and heard. I miss having the space to be myself without being questioned and scrutinised.
Yesterday, I was making my special diet lunch in the kitchen. Half way through my mum told me to move because apparently she needed to use the exact same spot that I was using to cut vegetables, and apparently she needed to use the exact same burner on the stove that I was using to cook. I calmly reminded her that she could easily use the countertop on the other side of the stove to cut her own vegetables and still be next to the stove, instead of moving me and disrupting my workflow for her own perceived convenience.
I instantly watched her expression turn sour, and felt her silently fume for the next 20 minutes.
“Ah,” I realised, “my words were not sweet enough. I should have joked and playfully whined instead of talking to her like an equal. Because we are not equals and whenever I act like we are, she gets angry. Because I am her daughter and she is my mother and I must always respect her and never dare assume that I may treat her like a peer.”
I hate eating alone when I am in a house full of people. For me, being surrounded by loved ones and not breaking bread and sharing happiness with them is an isolating feeling.
This morning, my parents were hungry for lunch two hours earlier than they usually are. As they started setting the table, they called me down. I was a little upset at the realisation that I would probably have to eat my lunch alone today, as I have not started making my food yet, but they were almost done with theirs. I asked my mum, in future, to let me know when she starts cooking so that I can start cooking too, so that I can eat with my family. She berated me saying that I should be looking at the time and that I should know to start making food at that time myself. Apparently my reply, “But we don’t normally have lunch for another two hours, I normally wouldn’t have to think about making my lunch for another hour,” was rude and unwarranted.
I feel neglected, like I am an afterthought. I feel that I must behave perfectly, like the sweet, playful, doting daughter that I usually am if I am not to annoy everyone.
But I know this is not the case, I am valued, and all of these examples are small lapses in my family and friends’ actions. I know that I am reading too much into small situations, and these are everyday issues, not even memorable for most people.
I know that I am loved, I know that my parents are proud of me, I know that I am cared for.
So why am I not okay?