mark lee was my first heartbreak in a sense.
i have been fortunate in a way when it comes to liking k-pop groups. i happen to come across them when they're not at the lowest of the lows of their career.
i started to like exo 5 years into their debut, which means i didn't experience when their first three members left the group. yixing was starting to not show up in group activities, but i didn't worry about it because he was always mentioned and when opportunity comes, he was with his members.
i got into red velvet 5 years into their debut, which means i didn't witness firsthand they debuted in one of the most turbulent years for sm entertainment. yeri really is such an integral addition to red velvet. she was the maknae and lead singer that added so much more to the group for me.
i discovered nct dream 5 years into their debut. this was the peak of the pandemic. my friends were all nctzens and i was happy for them when they received the news that mark was coming back to nct. i got curious and decided to watch their rooftop fight content.
fast forward 5 years later, on april 3rd, my first scroll for the day was with the news that mark was leaving sm entertainment and nct.
i remember laughing because the news felt incredulous to me. since 2017, i have seen sm provide leeways for their idols of their most successful groups so they can leave the company but remain in the group. the first time this happened, tiffany, sooyoung, and seohyun left sm but not snsd. members from exo and red velvet followed suit: kyungsoo established company soosoo, cbx are now under inb100, wendy joined asnd, and yeri is now with blitzway.
so to see mark leaving the company and the group he was in felt so ridiculous. wrong, even. why couldn't he just follow the path other sm idols did? i didn't even notice the tears in my face until my mom asked why was i crying first thing in the morning. she laughed at my face when i answered her that mark lee left nct.
i didn't laugh with her though. and i still won't, given my situation. it's been two weeks and i have been processing the announcement like a personal heartbreak.
(the last time i felt like this was last year, when a three week fling ended because he got cold after we met for the first time in real life.)
i have created a playlist that reminds me of mark. it's mostly the songs being usually used for edits post-announcement. it's also filled with songs that you would only use if your significant other did break up with you.
i have resorted to panic buying his physical albums and photocards, because who knows when he will come back as an idol again?
i have applied logic to the situation, which is the peak coping mechanism anyone could have. to answer my "why couldn't he just follow the path other sm idols did?" question, i reminded myself that it wasn't a secret that mark was overworked as fuck. he has debuted 5 times and for the past few years, his schedule has consisted of two-three group activities a year. last year alone was actually bonkers. he was on a 127 tour, debuted as a soloist, then went on to have 2 comebacks and another tour with 7dream.
for 10 years, he has been on the grind. maybe quite literally. even when he wasn't with nct dream, he still had an hectic schedule all thanks to superm. there is a sort of cognitive dissonance that happens to me once in a while because while i enjoyed mark lee always on top of his game even though he has such a rigorous schedule, i worried about his health so much because no one works like that without repercussions.
there will also be repercussions had he chosen differently. if he went on a hiatus for a while, there will be pressure for him to come back. if he chose to stay in sm but leave nct, we have seen the aftermath of that with another group. if he chose to just stay in one group, i can only imagine the fanwars that would start that might have real life disturbances, considering how protest trucks and flower wreaths powerful have sometimes spurred to actual resolutions.
so him leaving both should have probably been predictable. but i was blinded with the ideal version of reality, where he would just keep going and going and going and going.
and that wouldn't be fair to mark lee the human being. he deserves to rest. to recuperate. to finally get his health checked, because there might physical and mental bruises left behind after working tireless for a decade. he deserves to also explore a new path, the one he has always been curious about. a writer needs to make mistakes, to always seek the great perhaps, to live life as it is. mundane experiences sometimes lead to the best written works out there.
mark has given half of his life to becoming and being an idol. he has managed to fit his dreams into the boxes kpop idols have to fulfill. he can spare the rest of his life to discover how things can be beyond the system he has grown up in.
last year, it took me 6 fucking months to get out of my fucking stupor and live life after that 3-week situationship ended. by the time i realized i could have done something better than mope around, i felt like it was too late. so i spent the rest of the year stuck in the consequences of my own poor actions.
this year, i intend to not repeat that. this might not count as an official heartbreak because my feelings is considered parasocial; luckily, i am trying to not give a fuck. i am processing it like a heartbreak because it feels that way to me. so here i am, putting all my incoherent thoughts in one wordy tumblr post.
writing this feels like a goodbye letter. not for a romantic partner, but from a reality i used to know. for the past 5 years, i held on to 7dream to get me by. what they have gone through as a group is straight out of a well-written fictional work. it's one of the reasons why i am a dreamzen first, czennie second. unfortunately, the ending was unexpected but somehow it's the most sensible one. the best friend group sitcoms always end with the same friends moving away from each other because life happens, because they have grown.
i haven't read mark's letter after april 3rd, but i do remember that he wrote how much he wanted to be a writer and how he is asking himself what his music might be and can be. we share that dream, in a way. i think he wants to lean more on his songwriting; meanwhile, i just want to write reviews, analyses, and fan fiction ideas that has never left my brain.
me and mark aren't on the same playing field as he is a multimillionaire well known and beloved celebrity and i am just someone with an undiagnosed mental illness and a plethora of excuses why i have remained where i am since 2021. however, if mark can walk away from a lifestyle that he has known for half his life, from the most incredible lore and reputation an idol could ever have, i could also unstuck myself from the pitiable situation i have put myself in for the past few years.
it might take a long ways to go. progress isn't linear and growing pains are unavoidable. i believe that with mark's tenacity and dedication to just giving his very best in everything that he does, he will just continue on to do great things after nct. i also believe that i should extend that same grace for myself as well.
this feels like heartbreak now. hopefully in the future, this becomes something that i just chuckle about because you are doing well with the path you have chosen to take, mark lee. and so am i.
