So I needed to say this to get it out if my sore head.. I really don't have anyone very close to speak to. We just kicked our dad out of the house for the millionth time. It wasn't easy or anything. We've had to deal with his alcoholism, addictions, suicidal tendencies, stealing, rehab stays and court dates for years. Since we were born. My mom had to deal with it more. They started going out in '87 and started their on and off whatever the fuck you called it. My mom tried all the time to help him out but he always snorted pills and even became a abusive. In all the ways. I've seen him arrested and tased, I've sent him letters and drawings to the correctional facilities growing up. I even recall as a 5 year old listening to them argue late at night and creeping in the hallway to see him throw a pot at my moms head. The fucking handle hit her head and as I screamed and cried, she ordered me to my bedroom. I don't remember what happened next. I guess I blocked everything out. As I grew older by court order he was out of our lives for a few years. This one time we were shopping he gave me $100 because he was high off tylenol and codeine. I learned to distance myself from him as in emotions. He would attempt suicide or cut himself, I remember a time when my mom woke me up in the middle of the night because he was drunk and his arms were slit up and bleeding. I cried when I saw it and told him to stop. He cried then yelled at my mother. And again I don't remember what happened after that. I guess I'm very good at blocking some things out. A little while ago my dad fell to the ground and had over 20 seizures, my auntie drove by the highway and found him. The doctors told us if he drank and had seizures that would be it for him. To try to keep an eye on his health my mom removed some legal order so he could stay at our house with conditions. He did not folllow them. I bought him over $300 worth of tobacco, clothes and foods also the many times he bummed money from me for 'fishing stuff'. He owes me from long ago too. I had to call the police today because he was drunk. My mom told the police that we didn't want him at the house anymore. My mom told me that she does not want us to blame ourselves if anything happens to him, or to blame her. My sister is the reason why we let him stay with us recently. She is younger and has that father-daughter relationship with him. I never had that because I was too busy trying to distance myself from him in case he killed himself. I find all father-daughter relationships weird and uncomfortable. I kind of feel like if anything happens to him I'll have his blood on my hands. Weird to say such a thing about you own father. But thats how I feel, its been nearly 22 years and he still hasn't changed. I blame the way he was raised in foster homes and being around such vile people and minipulative friends. I don't know how I should feel now. I'm done. Thats my rant. I had to tell someone who won't interrupt or judge my words. I know no one would read this but it makes a great diary I guess. At least no ones trying to peek into this. Well thanks, tumblr. 💖
