Awkward Aches

My mind mined out. aeck.bandcamp.com soundcloud.com/aeck twitter.com/AECKacid instagram.com/alan.e.c.kirsch youtube.com/@AudaxSmoke facebook.com/AECKacid soundcloud.com/effortinitiators twitch.tv/audaxsmoke

[audaxsmoke]

bathed in colored lights

smoking rough until once again it's night

I'm a sight on your screen

these clouds we blow are so obscene

dream navigator

nightmare instigator

so god damn many gators & haters

I'm gonna need a fuckin moat

collar on my throat

cannabis totes in my memories

ain't got time to try & gloat

hit the bong until we float free

clarity

like I'm playing DND

tiefling

but I'm just tied up in a fling

please

— AECK 2026

[audaxsmoke]

diverted towards delight

unmasked android

dealing with dream-like types of distraught

blurting out absurdities with the purpose to not self-murder me

misspent epiphanies

maintaining subterranean tactics since endeavors will always be underground

topsy-turvy tendencies to turn emotions into tenderness amenities

there is affection afoot

I found a person that I want to surrender to & laugh with

someone who makes me feel renewed

daily reminders we're far more capable than the one last gasp one could imagine

feeling like I could let water roll off my back with these smiles

if the universe is going to target us then we have to stay as moving targets

we won't exceed fragmented states & become straight up sand

hourglasses can't contain us so we're demanding 300 hours in one day now

I'm once again tapping back into the higher levels of consideration that exist within me

I'm renewed by his nature & ready to bend for his hands

— AECK 2026

[audaxsmoke]

a screen name triggered my depersonalization

have you ever experienced simultaneously feeling meaningful & misplaced?

I'm rummaging through my mentally ill mythos

because fondness always finds refuge from me

'in the works', 'undetermined', & 'pending'

the intensity expenses leaving me wishing I could tend to anyone in spite of agony

writing as to waft towards an endless mending for improvements to identity

surpassing slumber's caricatures with the murkiest motions

articulation escapes me a tad bit these past few nights

inhabiting an image that people will always hesitate to validate

allowing myself to be surveilled while I struggle to survive my own lore is all I have

existing is just long drawn out sessions of being forgotten & not needed

am I burnt out or touting how burnt I am??

pleading that my pledges to dependability despite being debilitated are perceived

articulating & working towards a life with another on the edge of adventures

holding more value than the thrifty whim I was treated as

I don't want this teetering now that someone trustworthy is finally here

— AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

there's a rooster crowing at 12:39AM against the howling wind

the window is cracked because it started to feel too dreamlike

having a body is a wobbly disorienting experience

have you ever seen a cat do their slow slink alert walk?

moving is like that & matching the lighting to the room isn't realistic

imagine being turned into a toy & having your stuffing pulled out

all I had a were a few loose threads before that

at that time feeling usable again felt like affection but after empty rattling I now have to know more affliction

I didn't deserve to be emotionally ragdolled & I can't allow myself to believe I'm better off as ethereal — AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

internal disruption detection

signs to bend towards an endless healing are what I hope I'm sensing

playing puff puff pass with poltergeists since it's that time of night where all my friends have gone poof & vanished

at least they're free for a bit from the thrash absorption required to know me

challenging as much dissolving resolve as I can handle

worn down to a fragmented state by intrinsic wonder

I used to only be slightly into disintegrating

now it's a concerning amount & I'm noticing that I better give out thank yous for instances of ease

wishing safety to anyone who ever felt like we synchronized together

wishing I never met anyone while I had a bleeding heart

should've known being a slipping hazard has its shames

haphazard poem that needed to be written to not die

being paltry instead of a priority for so long is spirit piercing

left unable to always discern that I don't deserve despair

yet somehow I haven't been defeated by this disassociation

one time I wrote to someone "I hope you can find beauty in those emotions & can gracefully process any pain that may have caused them"

I wrote that, me, the person whose existence feels so fraught with fragility right now

opening my eyes to opportunities on the other side of the fright outputs

tapping back into the higher levels of consideration that exist within me after this day

— AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

awareness after superficial

melancholy over a lack of reliability

although receiving council during difficult times from the people who inspired me is a wake up call that I definitely haven't missed

I've had reassurance to harvest lately & legitimate hardships handled

toting tenacity that is next level against actual nightmares even though it's an endeavor to continue on

I had sleep paralysis for the first time in ages recently

that same old body shocking awake sensation felt just like yesterday

I still don't see witches, or aliens, or ghosts

just a weird, tattered grim reaper shaped blob like always

shooing away shadows so the sulking can continue

— AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

alarming margins arrive

reckoning with if I can physically sustain such contorted self-worth

haggard headspace durability desperately needs repairs

exerting staying power to produce purpose options

even though the disappear ideas are appealing

I've been avoiding writing in exchange for writhing on a camera

clutching onto the capability to surmount so much anguish & display it

clutching onto a hyperfixation need to reimburse good people with eventual gracefulness after grittiness

in need of out-of-nowhere energy because I'm placing so much pressure on the hopes that I can one day offer everyone more

trauma's grip has me trapped thinking, "I have to offer enough to not earn an inevitable abandonment"

— AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

forlorn

voice chat empty

foolhardy because I was molded in melancholy

being defeated by disassociation

seeking the novelty in a lack of progression

"lost cause" label looms

maybe I really was just dealt a strange, shitty hand full of doom

surrounded by rut observers

at least in my heart we were atmosphere adventurers

— AECK 2025

[audaxsmoke]

onward after damage

broken glass guises

you've made me a summary

surmise torch passes

so I can stay smoking

wet eyes

so traumatized

mistreated like avoided sunrises

memorabilia misfits

rushing to hush restlessness

sandbagged sequences

your interest was always empty (never going to last)

counting on who I can co-op with

summarizing avoided

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

I am so beyond low right now, I'm scared of this intense hopelessness that I'm feeling. There is no gracefulness just ugly disconnection that is wearing away my will to push back. Everything feels like it's loudly pointing towards how I should truly give up being alive. I'm sorry if you ever tried to help my worthless mentally ill existence, I hope for wonderful things for your hearts & minds & just want to apologize for not being one of those things in the end.

[vgadvisor]

[audaxsmoke]

you'll fade

nothing was stolen

I was fucking abandoned & prepped to be forgotten

I want to forget you first so fucking badly

I had already forgotten that I ever loved you

my memory of what I loved about you shouldn't require my focus

but you thought it was some cute joke

& now that bullshit erratically invades my peace

uninstall my fucking friendship & enjoy your nothing connection

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

enjoy your capability & conversations while I am left lifeless

often found astray by the prominence

location locked out of people

the pieces of joy dispensed only disorient

agency is actually delightful but all that is felt is minimal interplay

trying to cultivate kindness like colorful cauliflower

but these on occasion interactions just feel so abrasive

seesaw segments of life when I remember how friends keep forgetting to provide the help that they said they would

elegant flexibility wouldn't ever extend back to me

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

belonging

if you're in my life then you are not a joke

I have to think this while I see people treat me like a joke & act like I give nothing

I'll keep raising my points of joy & ache-based kindness higher

dispensing relatability & confidence as endlessly as possible

affirmative realness for you from your fav abstract intermission item

prose chambers to echo my head-to-toe tingles & hopes

eye ASMR invitation to these words as you skirt through the day

wishing I had more skirts to twirl in

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

inattention

former pharm then farm zombie

now I just want hips on me

people started offering ketamine to me when I always just needed hormone therapy

I am irreplaceable

wise queers will claim me

& you'll tell me when you want me to claim you

even though you don't watch my stories anymore I'd still eat the sun for you

the only way I want to deflate is by spitting out my bones for you

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

unmixed

I like to think that the planet is proud of us as we scramble for joy

I just want the warmth of spring so that when I cry the tears on my face won't feel as cold

I still have a favorite reason to crawl by broken paths endlessly

I need to stay safe & uplifted just like how I hope it can be for the people I love

forever casting forms of fondness that won't be a wall

you're so real & it's so delightful how real you are - it's always great to be near that

excitement to parallel & push ourselves

brinks of pain & meltdowns won't take me away from this life we inhabit

I promise that so deeply as this dynamic heart grips the rhythms that are permanently yours

— AECK 2024

[audaxsmoke]

sonic fragments dispensed

furious sentimental flood into my senses

I feel my irreplaceable experiences & share them with those who stick around

decisively deliver healing into myself

if you relegate me to a knickknack you better fight if you want me back

paying attention to who the real decay challengers are these days

publicly moving past self-pity

appreciate me before I learn to let privacy place me elsewhere

filling up a gauge that says, "preciousness" on it

— AECK 2024