My brain is a jumbled AU factory

He/him 20 This is pure madness, really. entry fee is your sanity [: main: @malpractisnt

[aunhinged]

Tony: I bet you have some magic spell to, like, clean up messes in seconds, right?

Strange: Yes, it’s called picking up after yourself like an adult.

Tony: I’m beginning to see why Wong left you for a vacation.

[aunhinged]

tony, tossing pop-tarts into the cart: don’t glare at me, oz the great and powerful.

strange: we came here for produce.

tony: exactly. pop-tarts are basically fruit.

strange: tony.

tony: look, merlin, blueberry is a fruit.

[aunhinged]

strange: you can’t keep calling me “your little wizard.”

tony: yes i can. you keep looking like one.

strange: i am sorcerer supreme.

tony: mhm. my little wizard.

[aunhinged]

Tony, mid-teethbrushing: you know, the way you grind your teeth when I call you doctor while Im inside you is so fucking hot.

Stephen: standing silently with his towel mid-fold

Tony, spits: anyway. minty.

[aunhinged]

Tony walks into the sanctum bleeding.

Tony, clearly not fine: Im fine.

Stephen doesnt blink, just mutters an incantation and the wound seals.

Stephen: you could say thank you

Tony: you could say ‘i was worried, my beloved genius billionaire danger-magnet’

Stephen, turning away: Im not saying that

later, Tony finds a handwritten note on his pillow:

‘don’t do that again. The world is loud enough without you.’

Tony doesnt bring it up, but he tucks the note in the inside pocket of his suit.

[aunhinged]

Ineffable x Bureaucratic Husbands

Mobius, pouring two glasses of whiskey: So, your angel just abandoned you for some celestial promotion?

Crowley, slamming his glass back: Yup.

Mobius: My little apocalypse frog went and declared himself a tree.

Crowley, refilling both their glasses: Hate that for us.

[aunhinged]

stephen: is meditating

tony: quietly places a post-it note on his forehead that says “hot wizard”

stephen: does not move

tony: places another that says “mine”

stephen: I will hex your beard off.

[aunhinged]

[Headcanon] Stephen is insanely possessive but refuses to acknowledge it.

The first time Tony flirts with someone else just to piss him off, Stephen does not handle it well.

Oh, outwardly? He’s fine. He’s calm. He’s composed. He’s an adult.

Inwardly? Strange is one millimeter away from snapping and dragging Tony into the nearest empty room to remind him exactly who he belongs to.

Of course,Tony, being an agent of chaos, pokes the bear.

Tony: Wow, someone’s tense.

Tony: Jealous? You? Nahh

Tony: Hey, you’re glowing. Like, literally. Babe, are you about to commit a homicide?

Strange: Shut up and come here.

Cue bruising kisses, rough hands, and Stephen fucking him like he’s trying to erase the memory of anyone else touching him.

Tony, grinning after: So, you’re totally chill, right?

Stephen: You’re sleeping on the floor.

[aunhinged]

Ineffable husbands x Bureaucratic husbands

Our Husbands Left Us for Godhood and We’re Drinking About It

Mobius: Look, I get it, okay? They’re ambitious. They wanna be something more. Something bigger."

Crowley, gesturing wildly: But WHY?! We had everything! food, wine, books, a planet that didn’t implode, what more do they WANT?!

Mobius: Hierarchy.

Crowley: Oh, that’s rich coming from your guy. You do realize Loki’s entire personality is ‘down with the system’ but also ‘let me be the system’?"

Mobius, sighing: Yeah. I know my guy.

Crowley: You ever just… wanna kick ‘em in the shins a little?

Mobius: I don’t think Loki has shins anymore, but yeah.

[aunhinged]

Ineffable x bureaucratic husbands

Mobius dragging a drunk Loki home. Aziraphale dragging a drunk Crowley home. Meanwhile:

Loki: You don’t understand, he gets me.

Crowley: We’re the same, you and I.

Loki, reaching out dramatically: My brother.

Crowley: My chaotic twin.

Mobius, pinching the bridge of his nose: I hate this timeline.

[aunhinged]

SANTA HOUSE CONCEPT

House becomes obsessed with figuring out why “Christmas cheer” spreads so rapidly. He makes the elves run tests on each other, convinced it’s either an airborne virus or a psychological delusion.

Elf: It’s just…happiness, Santa!

House: Happiness without a cause is mania. Either you’ve all got a mood disorder, or something’s spiking your cocoa.

Wilson tries to intervene, only for House to declare him “Patient Zero” because he’s always too cheerful for his liking.

[aunhinged]

SANTA HOUSE CONCEPT

Elf Strike: After a week of working with House as santa, the elves go on strike, fed up with his constant sarcasm and refusal to stick to tradition. House convinces them to return by diagnosing a rare condition in one of them, because even Santa House is always right. House: Fine. You want a break? After we save Tiny Tim over here from a collapsing lung.

[aunhinged]

SANTA HOUSE CONCEPT

becuase Im bored and these ideas only came to me post chiristmas.

Diagnosing Naughty vs. Nice:

Instead of just looking at the Naughty/Nice list, House approaches it diagnostically. He analyzes patterns in kids’ behavior and determines who’s genuinely naughty versus just misunderstood.

House: Naughty for sneaking cookies? That’s survival instinct. Nice list. Kid who told on him? Sociopath. Naughty list.

[head-of-oncology]

[aunhinged]

Drunklock concept: The experiment gone wrong

Sherlock, holding an empty beaker: You said I needed to loosen up, so I scientifically determined how much vodka it would take to make me relatable.

John: You’re not relatable, you’re just drunk.

Sherlock, smugly: Experiment successful, then.

John: And you drank it out of a beaker, didn’t you?

Sherlock: Science is about precision, John.

[aunhinged]

The “platonic” wars: sherlock/house

Sherlock and House decide to let the internet settle the debate on whose got the more “professional” relationship.

House: Lets take a vote. Whose got the more professional relationship? Me and Wilson, or you and Watson?

Sherlock: A flawed system. Most people wouldn’t recognize subtle homoerotic tension if it hit them in the face.

House: So you admit there’s tension?

Sherlock: Not in my case. I’m talking about you. Have you seen how often Wilson looks at you during meetings?

House: Thats called worry, genius. You wouldn’t know about that because John’s too busy tolerating your nonsense.

[aunhinged]

Johnlock au

John opens his email to find that Sherlock has applied to 3 different jobs on his behalf:

Dolphin Trainer

Mime Artist

Professional Hugger

John storms into the room, waving his phone.

"You applied for these?"

Sherlock doesn’t even look up. "I thought you needed a career change. You’re welcome."

John's voice is a mix of disbelief and amusement. "A mime artist? Really?"

Sherlock smirks. "Think of it as a new... silent partnership."