It's. Honestly crazy to me how much I was. Like. In the closet.
Growing up I think I had this like. Almost, like, jealousy of girls?
I had this freind back in middle school who has since moved away, that I'll call Penny in place of a real name.
I remember us being alone at the lunch table, eating together and talking about Undertale music soundtracks, and being middle schoolers, we'd like, (try to) sing a part of a song, and the other would guess it. And like. I knew I liked her. As a freind. But I guess she liked me romantically, because I remember taking her to the movies and talking with her, and thinking back it was such a crush she had on me, but I don't think I ever had feelings like that back? I remember trying and hating that I just. Didn't feel it back towards her.
But I felt other things. When we were coming back from a field trip from a theme park, I remember her laying her head in my lap and me freezing up not knowing what to do. But one thing I do remember was this small little ember of "I want to be her".
I dreamt about switching not just spots with her, but bodies my body as well. That I would have her thighs, so she could rest on them. That I could have her hair, so that I could shade her from the sun. And I never really thought anything about that.
And so years pass obviously, I was dense, never realizing exactly what I may or may not have missed out on. Highschool going by and my mind maturing from a kid's mentality.
And I think back to those late nights, browsing private tabs. I don't remember how I got to them when I was younger. (My parents never taught me the birds and the bees, perks of unrestricted internet access), but I remember seeing gameplay from a game called monster girl quest. The main character was absorbed and melted into a slimegirl by a slime in one video. In another he was changed into an angel by a titjob. And I guess that awoke something in me from then on.
I would search up things every once in awhile, not really in a hurry obviously, and I'd search up mainly magic spells and rituals to turn into a girl. I remember sneaking out one night after a day of preparation. I needed a candle and a paper to burn so I could contact Lilith the mother of all succubi. I wanted to write to her that I wanted to summon a succubus so that they could turn me into one of them. I obviously wasnt going to take a candle from my parents, then being religious, I knew they'd notice one gone, so I instead burned a piece of paper inside a frying pan with an open window so the smoke alarm wouldn't go off.
(months later id nearly shit myself in fear when my mom asked me what these "girl" rituals were in my search history)
(I'd lie and say I don't believe I am or want to be one anymore)
(I think then was when my tv stopped glowing so bright for awhile)
After that, I stopped any overt searches online for stuff like that. But I never really stopped with the whole "transformation" thing. DeviantArt, Tumblr of old, rule34, e621, porn sites, and on. I always went to a site to look stuff up. That way Google wouldn't show direct results.
And I've time I think I forgot that I could be. Well. Just like all the stuff I saw.
So when TikTok got popular back in 2018, and I saw these people that were my age that transitioned, I felt that small ember grow. That tv started shining a bit brighter. I saw community. I saw people who felt the same as I did. But it didn't *click* until I joined a discord group of amazing people just last year.
They were all mostly queer or trans in some way. And. I felt slightly out of place. They were all so friendly. They were completely different from all my guy freinds I had that would rib each other or just say some nasty stuff in a joking manner.
And it took some time. Some reflection. And it helped that I had examples and experiences that I talked to every day. And one set of nights. I realized.
I can change.
I may not have any dysphoria (that I know about).
I may not Feel. Like I can be a woman sometimes. Like I don't deserve to. Like I'm not allowed to because I haven't experienced the lowest lows of transition.
But I feel that I want to try.
I feel an ember that has been steadily growing within me burn brightly at the thought.
And when I join a call with my friends who all say "I love you" and have gorgeous laughs and voices. Who all are so nice and have amazing humor and say "it's okay that you haven't felt the way you think you should. You can do anything."
I'm grateful. Because I feel like I've found where I belong for once. I feel my mind not clouded by thoughts and second guessing.
So thank you,
My friends. I know you'll read this. And sorry if it was a bit too long or a bunch of word vomit. But thank you.
I love all of you. More than I can say sometimes.
