Aura

I 6,900+ days old I @aurasalem Another stream of consciousness blog.

[auraspoetry]

Friday, 8. November 2024

It was the day that I saw the world from your eyes, that's when I stopped loving myself. I got a taste of your world, I scrunch my nose by the third sip and I choked by the fifth. I was starving for my world that went missing in the fog of yours. I lost the hunger to get my world back. Who am I at this point. You painted me so well with your brush, you took all credit for my being. All that I was, I only started being once you began existing in my mind. I wish I could say it was a beautiful beginning, all blooming flowers and sunshine to begin with, and then it took a bad turn. Although, I walked into a withered garden from the start of it all, and I tried to convince myself of its stagnant beauty, of its lifeless state. I found one blooming flower, every now and then it would open up just a bit more. I believed that with the right care and with enough time, the garden would blossom to fit my imagination. Flashing images. I imagine. I imagine. Seasons passed, one by one. I could say the garden got worse, though I am not sure it changed. At least I've got my flower — I look into my hand.   Too late, I realise I had been holding onto it for too long, I had suffocated it. Too late, I realise what I had always known — the soil was dead and nothing could grow. Too slow, I am still learning to accept my reality, things happened — destined? or not.. they happened. I can only walk for today. Yesterday is framed in time, and I am moving, for now I am still walking. Paths will change and so can my pace. No matter, keep walking.

[auraspoetry]

Funeral

In the silence of my room, a single candle lit.

I saw your spirit leave my items and exit my room

I felt your fingers let go of my chest through my shaky breath 

I scattered your ashes, by the water I once asked you to take me to

I said my final goodbye and I grieved you 

I shed my last tear for you

Just like that your face was now distorted  

A dead person and I saw the body

I sat there at first pulling at my hair in denial 

I rocked back and forth asking for forgiveness 

The memorial was beautiful and the eulogy was silent

I watched the doves fly off the rocks 

If I ever see you again, I will witness a corpse walking

I will look once and I will not look again

I was the only one to attend your funeral

I alone know of your death. 

[auraspoetry]

A Purple flower

Two flowers of the same colour come in different shades.  Purple flowers and a pink charade If I dress in colours that match will you love me for days? If I dress in black will I get the eternity my heart awaits? 'I love you’ uttered like a broken record but the broken pieces of the plate say otherwise  the words of reasons why I’m the worst sing in my ears Right, and left, when will it disappear the impatience and the yelling I believe, I believe, the last petal of the flower convinced me so  He loves, he loves, can’t you see it in his eyes when they glow?  Can’t you hear it in his words?  I love you so so much  Put your polarised glasses aside  and put your 3D glasses on  This way you get to really experience this love  The echo of I love you, I love you Is just as loud as I don’t, I don’t  I feel a suppressed scream every time I hang up the phone

[auraspoetry]

Yellow

Mama loves the colour yellow She loves to dress me in blue Mama loves the colour green But she shields herself in the colour black Mama kept me away from the colour red  I love her for that. 

I am still here Mama  I know you can see me  I don’t remember the last time my eyes met yours But I know you can see me So close yet couldn’t be farther. 

I wonder if you can hear me?  If your ears won’t let my words enter  should I look up at the sky and talk to you there instead? Must I speak to you through something I don’t know if exists  every night I’m on my knees, you and I converse on repeat  I took comfort in the sky, an enigma that welcomes me  Though the sky never calls back I seek trust in it Though I can never touch it, it feels more real than She

I lie in Mama’s arms but Mama isn’t holding me in hers  Mama took comfort in her shield so she put it on me too It wasn’t in the colour yellow  I always wore black. 

[auraspoetry]

Specular Reflection

The blinking light flashes in my face. My vision is blurry and my pace is unsteady. I manage to walk out of the building with the ringing in my ear. I let go of the bottle in my hand. 

I see a gleam of light in the distance and I follow it. My vision is still blurry. 

I walk closer to the glint and my body covers the light reflecting on the object, I move so the street light can reflect back on the object.  A dusty hand peaks through the white bricks, the wrist wrapped in a silver diamond bracelet. I collapse to my knees. My cold shaky hands grab the feckless wrist. Fingers smaller than mine. Chipped nails. Bloody ashy knuckles.

My weary eyes weigh on the misty-grey green leaf flying in the air, the leaf falls on a stone, which was but an hour ago part of a standing building. A home that stood tall for a living and breathing nuclear family consisting of a father, mother and their three children. What was once their home became their graveyard. The wind pushes the leaf to fly back into the air. I let go of her lifeless hand and I pull my weight back to my shaky legs. At least my sister died with the bracelet she stole from my bedroom. I told her many times not to take it, it was gifted to me from my grandmother. But she didn’t listen, she never listens. I threatened I would kill her if she ever touched my jewelry again. I didn’t kill her. Now she’s dead. They’re all dead. How long before someone holds my wrist and it’s completely barren too.

I step on the walls of my bedroom, I jump to the floor of our kitchen, I trip on our living room’s ceiling, and a helping hand helps me back up to my feet. I look into the eyes of the stranger and for a second I believe it’s my father, but it’s just a man sharing the same pain as me. Our eyes like a gate to our spirit, prevails the same occupation. 

What border will allow us to cross. What shelter will shield us from something threatening our strangled life. How will the world listen to us if they stripped us of something we held strong for years. Even a man can tame a lion’s roar if he uses foul play. It’s never allowed to be nature’s way. 

[auraspoetry]

Ageism

I’m 75 years old. Do you see behind every wrinkle. Can you count the gray hairs on my head, they were once black. My clothes are new, don't mind the rips in them. I was promised away before I was born. I've been here for so long. Finally, now you see me.

[auraspoetry]

Law Of the Jungle

(Inspired by Savages by MARINA)

With the remote in my hand, I push the button that opens up a portal, I transport to a world of misfortune

Death is a certainty, murder is a stain on humanity I wonder if soldiers take souvenirs from cities they’ve destroyed

Will the memory of black smoke in the air, and a building turned to dust serve as one?

Underneath the suits and the jewelry hides the man who has yet to find a purpose for his larynx

I know I’m not the only one who can detect that there must be something in the water that’s making us detest each other

Something in the air we breathe fuels the evil to match the good in us

Maybe it’s in the EMF activity, binding with our neurons when our heads rest on pillows and our minds are away

I’m not afraid of God, I fear man The WMD that turned people and architectures to ashes are made by the same hands that cradle their newborn and the man smiling on TV, that they call "charming"

Natural disasters are terrible but I believe manmade disasters are unbearable how many of them are really all that natural

Is it running through our blood is it in the water we drink and the food we eat maybe it’s in the air we breathe

Aura Salem - Law Of the Jungle

[auraspoetry]

Wednesday, 16. August

So much bottled up inside, I think I sometimes forget my existence is present. I've been known to live in the future where everything is by my design. No written or spoken words to explain what I wish to see, I construct the images that flash before my eyes. Some of them intrude my mind, they do not consult me before they show. Sometimes I beg for my mind to help me out, but I've sabotaged my insides. I wonder if you can see it in my tired eyes or the dullness in my skin. Do I cover it up pretty well? Thank you, it took years of practice and hours of tutorials. Who would've known you could damage your gut with more than what you consume orally. Your thoughts bestow great power. Beautiful and serene. I once believed as well. My spirit is shredded in pieces, its nobility buried to the ground. Its loyalty and intelligence, in its loyal big eyes was challenged and proven to be fragile. You may not understand what I mean. I kept the tag of its bio, and I hung it on my purse. I wish for one day to breathe in an air that felt like it wanted to be consumed, one that proves its desire to nourish your body and aid your anoxic mind. This air I breathe in it chokes me with its rickety hands. There's something in the water and I fear it's making us all detest each other. Overthinking failed me when it came to cautiousness, I live in a reality I never thought I could enter, one I begged to be protected from. The intuition I once would've sworn on betrayed me like the closed book I once was known for.

[auraspoetry]

When we’re young we want to grow up, to understand the wits and tales, that the grown ups speak of. They tell us we won’t understand ‘till we're old enough. When we're old we see the wrinkles on our skin as dire.

Aura Salem - Wrinkles

[auraspoetry]

Those wolf eyes convince me my skin is special, beautiful and serene. They convince me its for their eyes to admire and not for their canines to meet. 

Aura Salem - Wolf Eyes

[auraspoetry]

We are the Children of Sin, we are the ones who turn to sin when our kin turned their cheek, to the love we once believed in.

Aura Salem - Child of Sin

[auraspoetry]

Time after time I mistreat the clock

Aura Salem - Time

[auraspoetry]

Angel of Death

This is a story of a soldier, my deceased uncle, an uncle I never met. He died at the same age I am today. My uncle was a soldier, before he was a soldier he was a boy, before he was a boy he was destined to be a man. My uncle never got to be a child. My uncle’s toy was a gun, his playground a battlefield. His freedom, his rights ripped out of his hands before he ever wondered if he had them. Tired of gambling with his life, he stood face to face with another of his age. Their weapons up high, their innocence buried in the ground. Young boys forced to fight the disputes of elder men. My uncle decided he would flee town, escape the regime and leave his family. He kissed his mother, kissed his father. Kissed his little sister that I call Mama.

A soldier on the run he now was, years went by, and no news came by. This time it was my Mama’s turn to flee town, she befriended a couple, a tale they told: the man reunited with his brother who he'd been separated from for years. So, my mother believed, she hoped that she and her brother would meet the same fate. They would meet once again.

Knock, knock, ticktock. My grandmother opened the door to an angel. In his hands a letter laid, the letter read my uncle was dead. A body in an envelope he has since remained. My uncle doesn’t have a grave, his body was never found. The regime had found him, he was killed with the rest of the fleeing soldiers. Death sought to find him, whichever field his feet trailed. God knows where his skeleton lies.

[Aura Salem]

[auraspoetry]

Wrinkles

When we’re young we want to grow up to understand the wits and tales that the grown ups speak of,  tell us we won’t understand ‘till we're grown up

When we’re old, we see the wrinkles on our skin as dire

We acquire the knowledge, but we lose our fire Let it ignite too bright and someone will set it out If not someone, I’ll be my own firefighter

We fear the signs of ageing, because we know what follows it

We should wear our wrinkles like jewelry Our gray hairs like gems on a tiara

Rough hands show labour Gray hairs reveal time and tales Scars unveil, resilience prevails vulnerability

When we’re children we’re belittled, in size and in mind they paint our innocence as shameful so we cannot wait to grow up Maybe then they will listen to us Maybe then we’ll be enough

If someone told me the years of my childhood weren’t years to run from maybe then I wouldn’t have grown to be “mature for my age”

Those lost years of my youth, I try to restore So maybe now I’ll be immature

Prior to this age, I dreamed of freedom Present in this rage, I dream even when awake

- Aura Salem

[auraspoetry]

A fairytale

This is a fairytale, but with no fairies in it. Just you and me. 

The touch of your hand The thrilling sight of the laughter in your eyes

When I wake up I smile another day with you in my life I fell in love in a fairytale our love is the peace and innocence that we all miss I fell in love with the flowers the animals wiggling their tails in the streets the smell of fresh rain and howling wind 

The feeling of sun rays dancing on my skin I fell in love with the music in my ears The smiles painted on strangers' faces

I fell in love with the silence the slowing time that felt draining once now there’s no sweeter flow than being in time,  than being present I fell in love with the rush in dawdling 

We found fantasy in reality Before I knew it I fell in love with you 

You are my fairytale.

- Aura Salem

[auraspoetry]

No Glitches in The Matrix

I had a vision I was in a position I couldn’t envision being my decision Cat scratching on my bedroom door  Paw in my hand and eyes grazing me from a distance 

My loneliness took refuge in my throat It kept me company, I do not mean to gloat I was always lonely but never alone Voices around me and bodies surround me My loneliness became lonely so it paired up Now I am alone I enter the morning with no good morning I exit the night with no good night The tracks my feet trail, solitary traveler 

In these unfamiliar four walls My familiar tears fall Everything new from the bed I lie in to the pillow my head rests Everything ancient from the feelings I feel to the darkness I veil 

Eyes of a stranger echoes in my head, whispering tales of a fictional future

There I go again, begging for the promises of an unpromised land 

Every body no different from the other Every voice carries the same words 

There are no glitches in my matrix, everything runs by its code

[auraspoetry]

No title

There’s no you in my song It’s not directed to anyone nor anything

I have no direction for my feet nor my being I have no one to blame for my misery 

What’s the point of a diagnosis if there’s no fix  My feet lost their balance my mind never had one 

They call it a chemical imbalance I’ve shied clear of all sins yet somehow they say I feel this way because I’ve shied too far from Him 

Tell me, I need to know,  if I’m evil, am I the last to know? Is it my decision?

Is there a voodoo doll of me somewhere out there Do you have my mind in chains, drained

I’ve got more questions than answers Sometimes I feel like I overstayed my welcome on this thing we call earth, sustained. I don’t know how nor why But I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be here Not here tonight, nor there tomorrow when it’s light 

I was supposed to leave a long time ago Something went wrong and it kept me here 

And now there’s no path for me so I go about the day With no plan or fate to lead me, I’m a stray  

I lit the gas when they ask if I’ve been crying I blame it on my allergies, the soap got in my eyes All the side effects of our existence hit me,  felt as if I took them, not the remedy 

I have no name for this ache I guess that is a name in itself  Nothing is really nothing Nothing is something  Everything has a meaning  Does not indicate whether it’s good or bad  There’s a good and bad to everything But do I even know how to judge that?