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[tritiyum]

something i think a lot of able bodied people dont understand is that being chronically ill affects your emotions. constantly being exhausted and feeling bad is going to make you sad or depressed or angry or jealous. constantly being in pain is going to affect your mental health. never feeling "good" is obviously going to affect the way you act.

[lightning-system]

i am in so much pain.

this is the part of being disabled that sucks.

i took my meds. i tried to stretch. i tried to rest. i got water. i got food, went to the bathroom, got in comfy clothes, cuddled my cat.

i did everything right.

i am still in pain.

i am always in pain.

[autisticacademics]

The Doctor Shopper

Doctor after doctor, Day after day, I still beg for help, yet each time they say:

Here are some probiotics! I really think you should try them. You have migraines, so here's some magnesium oxide! I couldn't be caught "refusing treatment" so my hands are tied.

Take a multivitamin, The cure to all that ails you. More fiber, maybe Benefiber, But you may have fructose intolerance so not fruit smoothie fiber.

Your ankles aren't weak. Your ankles don't roll. You're autistic, You're dyspraxic. I wonder if that's really all.

I would like a new doctor, but randos on the internet claim, Stop switching around! You should stop "doctor shopping."

"I don't think that they're hallucinations!" Nope, just auras to migraines. Also, I'm autistic. Everything is interpreted as scary when you're autistic.

He's a nutjob, I'd like a new doc! I want to switch but I don't out of fear of claims of doctor shopping.

The yellow dots are chasing me! No, visual auras which autism made scary. Clawing and cutting out the spiders in my blood my skin my brain. No, tingling auras made scary by the autism.

Should a doctor really be this stupid? The psychologist in the room, she didn't say anything! Would getting a new doctor really be doctor shopping?

I couldn't possibly have EDS. Nope, my doctor has a connective tissue disorder. I'm not more hypermobile than thee, so an Ehlers Danlos diagnosis must not be for me.

"You have AMPS!" "You have IBS!" "You are fat!" "Drink water and get more exercise!"

I won't be a doctor shopper. I can't help but wonder, Is wanting to be believed Really shopping for a doctor?

A fat female teen, Symptoms of nausea, pain, dizziness, and more. The most obvious option is mental illness. The best prescription is weight loss.

My attempts at exercise Are extinguished by my pain. I can't keep on, but there's no help until I'm the one to fix it all.

I fantasize every day Of growing up, losing some weight. Building a ton of muscle, drinking gallons of water a day. Taking my vitamins and supplements like some kind of health freak.

Walking into their office, "I'm not cured!" I'm falling, I'm swelling, I'm hurting, I'm crying Help me, please.

Are these thoughts normal? They don't feel normal. I should be fixed. I could be fixed Drugged, therapy again, a new drug (What mood stabilizer is it now?)

Maybe one day my pain will be taken seriously. Maybe one day my quality of life will be taken seriously. Maybe one day I will be taken seriously. That day's not today, I wish I was okay, but I can't handle it.

If I question it... Question their years of medical knowledge... Question their schooling... Question their authority... I'm the bad guy who\'s looking to shop for a doctor.

[autisticacademics]

Running the Numbers

Kindergarten At a fifth-grade math level, The human calculator. I was running the numbers.

Second grade. Able to skip first. "Two plus seven plus nine plus one million seven hundred eighty-five thousand three hundred and two" While playing popcorn math I was running the numbers.

Third grade. You start getting more homework. "Can you solve this for me?" they say, and I did it every time. I was running the numbers.

Fourth grade. Seen as more of a spectacle by now. "Her brain just works differently," the teacher announced to my classmates. They'd give me a problem and I was running the numbers.

Fifth grade. It started to change. They said I was good, but not enough according to my standards. I couldn't take it- I wanted to be more so I was running the numbers.

Sixth grade. Homeschool will do you in. Seventh, eighth, maybe ninth-grade math. I was freaking out but still, I was running the numbers.

Seventh grade. Suicide, shitty teachers, Covid. Virtual Pre-Algebra was such a wonderful sight. I was still running the numbers.

Eighth Grade, Public school, Algebra 1. Honors classes, GPA. I was doing others' Aleks, so I was running the numbers,

Ninth grade. Honors geometry in ninth grade. Doing honors geometry at 13. Trying to push myself, get further ahead, I constantly was running the numbers.

Summer before tenth grade. Doing 5 lessons a day, Learning Algebra 2 to get ahead, to move on to PreCalculus. I was running the numbers.

Planning to go to the Governor’s School, planning to graduate early planning to be Valedictorian. Planning for college planning to be a doctor.

Constantly planning, wanting to be more, needing more. I burn out, want to never move from the couch, to quit I get on a roll, running the numbers Oh, I long for one minute to be a normal person, not need more, to not be running the numbers.

[autisticacademics]

Invisible Pain

My cane clicks against the floor, families turn to stare. Head down, eyes ahead, I make my way through the room with Invisible Pain.

I gain a laugh from my sister, an "ew!" from my therapist, a "me too" from my brother. I show off my party tricks, contorting my joints and pulling my skin. I grimace through the Invisible Pain.

Physical therapists say "you have no structural issues!" Parents shrug a half-meant "sorry" Doctors say it's all in my head. I should lose weight, change my habits. How can I exercise enough with Invisible Pain?

Don't you think it's a bit mean to not believe my aches and pains? To think it's normal to have your hips shift, to have your arms swell, to lose feeling in your legs? I'll just suffer in Invisible Pain.

[autisticacademics]

It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard. It's all for Harvard.

I hate AP microeconomics.

[autisticacademics]

Anyone else doing JSHS this year? I'm so excited to utilize my special interest. I'm also nervous about the public speaking aspect. My topic is mitochondrial disorders and carnitine deficiencies.

[autisticacademics]

Whatever you do...

don't let your grades fall.

I like to keep all of my grades above 95, but right now that's not happening. I'm writing this at 4:57am (haven't slept at all) correcting assignments.

[autisticacademics]

"I wanna live my life so I can read an in-depth biography about myself in later years and not puke." - Paris Geller

[autisticacademics]

Now I introduce you to... Frenzied Academia.

pulling all-nighters to get school work done, but only a couple hours are actually spent on it

doing school work in pajamas

outfits hastily thrown together

sitting in random positions on the floor, couch, or bed instead of a desk

obsessive interests

giving up on school and then spending weeks going above and beyond to make up for it

planning to study more and take better notes, only to do it for a couple of weeks before quitting

messy notes taken on the computer

periods of not reading intertwined with finishing a book in a day

wanting to go to prestigious colleges, yet constantly doubting yourself

huge ego, only to crumble and beat yourself up, before having a huge ego again

aspiring to be dark/light academia but don't have the mental energy to actually dress or appear that way

fascination with classics, poetry, or literature in general

forgets to drink water but constantly is drinking something (especially energy drinks)

Basically, it's the little sibling of the academias who is autistic and has ADHD.

[transformationsproject]

Good News <3

 We’re starting the week with good news out of Michigan and Idaho, and a debut of a trans character in Archie comics! Read more here.

Trans Formations Project | Protect Trans Kids

The Trans Formations Project tracks hateful anti-trans bill proposals in the United States and provides actionable information for holding l

[autisticacademics]

As a trans teen, these types of posts upset me. It's amazing that we are making this progress. It's unfortunate why these posts are being made. The only reason we hear good news about trans rights anymore is just to have hope in the darkness that we currently are facing. We don't see these wonderful acts every day: we see them because everything else is bad and we need reasons to keep going. I may be thinking too deeply about it and I'm not very good at expressing my feelings, but whatever. I'm glad this is happening but I can't get those thoughts out of my head.

[autisticacademics]

The Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge

I've started the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge. You can find a chart here! It has harder books (like Huckleberry Finn) and easier ones (like Harry Potter).