oh no.

the blog. i spend the summer doing drugs 🫀

[auzlon]

SUN & the universe.

her warmth is real, it energizes and creates.

she may not be tangible but her conception is truth.

she gives you truth. flourishes her self in you, only you.

she is your focal point but you make her the celestial body she is.

A sun is but a star. it is because you she is the sun.

I am the dark matter between you. where she is your light, I am your creation.

I know to keep myself as I am. When you watch her set, or wait for her rise.

I have resolved my self to be as I am the universe in which you live.

Their are more stars, planets, and systems to know of.

But I will forever keep my eyes trained onto this one planet with its one sun seeing which will submit to the test of time.

she may be your sun, but I am the universe.

[auzlon]

The things about theses pills and potions. Is I enter a realm, a place my thoughts and actions don’t touch the real veil of my life. The colors change and I don’t exist. Before him I thought I was sane. Since him I am perhaps the most insane person I know.

[auzlon]

I promise Viri I will not smoke a cigarette from the January the first to march the first.

[auzlon]

i craved

I fell into the abbys of my mind, that corner I try rentlessly to never give mind to. until everything settled the money came, the leads locked, the contracts got paid, everything settled. All the pieces fell ever better then perdicted. And there in that moment of assurence I felt it all. The weight of my own insecerities finally dragged me into every dark corner of my mind.

he fought to get me out. he did, and so I dragged him with him. In that moment, I had a reason to stop, to fight again, to the surface as he fell into himself my own sorrows vanished.

I whispered to him "your safe" "its okay" "your doing good",

More, haunts him as it does me. Never have I met one whose ambition is his maddness in the same way it is mine. that is where our souls meet. when we both would destroy each other for more.

it is not efficent. next time i spiral I move myself far. to not take anything from him.

I am becoming something that has always exsited. but in the metamorphosis I must kill a piece of myself. not for him, but because that is the world. I must be hungry, I must hunt, I need to be a shark. I can no longer run or sit idly waiting for another to make the deciesion. I need to fight fits, words and all.

my blood will not be the blood to cause the frenzy.

[auzlon]

Missed calls at 2 am “open the door”, he stumbles into my apartment.He steals my sleep and peace. He takes a bottle from my freezer, a kiss on the lips and I love you as his payment. Slips back into the night. Is he at home next to her or another ?

4 am ‘safe’ his texts reads. But in 2 hours one can bury the body.

I imagine if they spoke of me how the conversation goes

“Her?”

“She’s the bitch that makes me money?”, they laugh

Or worse. I’m never even mentioned.

[auzlon]

I need to get it out

I can't and won't tell anyone about that night.

his apolgy came in the form of flowers, food and puppy in the morning. 'I'm sorry' I didn't need to tell him what he'd done wrong he knew once he'd slept it off. That night was possibly one of the wrost in my life. I'm not over it. But theres an expectation to move past it smile and keep going I can't dewell on this. Their no point. apolgies were made, hes taken some of the blame. Still he says you know I would freak out. Of course I knew he'd get mad. But for some reason I am still surprised when he explose. the wrost part I didn't safe and even then it was hours until I could. For hours my body was in the state of resilence no sleep, no place of confront. And now I'm finding it impossible to feel safety with him.

I feel my body want to cawl into it self. hide in the arms of my mother and for feel safety again. I know myself I know this will pass.

but when we were new, when I knew him but I didn't depend on him. I knew I felt something for him but I didn't love him or enjoy him his episodes were manageble. Now, when He & I are more entwined then I ever have been with anyone. Now its not normal type of sadness. because its not sadness its fear. I've never feared someone I love before.

[auzlon]

I have fallen in love. At first, very reluctantly, for how could the casa nova want the wall flower. Well, she was she was never a wall flower to obsessed with the other sparkles to notice her own. It took 3 months to say I am in love truly. With the rose colored glasses and everything. Usually it happens much faster.

But usually when i place a man into a category of my life he stays there. He doesnt move, that friend never becomes more, the one for fucking never becomes more than that, the boyfriend is always marriage material.

Yet, he never left through my difficulties and i never through his. At first, i could claim i am lonely, i need some one to entertain me. I just need someone to fill that space.

But, more than filled it. I gave him more than i even expected to be capable of giving. And he is not marriage material. He is not the sweet summer breaze i envisioned. The man who would time and time again just fall to his knees for me. No, hes a storm, wild, chaotic. Yet, choas theory is a pattern. While he is crazed he is a creature of habit. He cricles back each time, he never even leaves. I am the peace, i always wanted to be for a man.

I am everything to him i found impossible to be to the last.

There a distance between us. That i enjoy. He can ever truly control me or my life because he has to many to control in his own life. She haunts him. I am. Somewhere in the middle.

Its triangle i think. But its also a fucken hexagon with this man. This is interesting. To love someone you can never truly have, yet feel like you have just enough to be content.

[auzlon]

I'll be your walls on your terrible nights

I will crack, scrap, splinter against you vengeance.

But my bones will hold where my skin can't

My ears will learn, my eyes adjust, my mind rethink.

Oh yes I will understand. Always the puzzle now I am the puzzled.

[auzlon]

"I think you only love me because I love you"

"Yeah I think that too sometimes"

[auzlon]

Why do I find the idea of him loving incomprehensible.

And when you cant believe it you can't have it.

[auzlon]

We are the definition of two lovers holding a knife to each other. Each waiting for the slip for the grasp to pinch the skin and then the stabbing begins.

[auzlon]

Being with some one who belongs to another is a form of degradation.

[auzlon]

to my youngest sister

If I die tomorrow, Let me have the peace of having it written or typed some where How I feel about you.

You are stranger to me. and I wont ever know you the way your friends will. You and I are mercury and pluto. We are so far apart. Your at the front and I am the end. My orbit will never fully come to yours. If I can give you anything, know you are my core. You are part of me, MY 3rd piece. Your so loud you know everything. noelia mi hermana si manana me meuro, se que te ame. not always in the best way but I did. remember I was not your mother and never intended to be. I was your sister. I cant write about you the way I write about the other I know you less. You were always ment to exist You were not something that happened and we dealt with you were always meant to be here. You exist in every variation of my life. I can never be without any of you. thank you for being born.

[auzlon]

this is life

I've come to an regrettable understanding of my life. Nothing that I have is luck. Nothing that ended was Lose. I need to approach life as I approach the table of every sit I take. This seat was for me it has always been intended for me. It is not by chance the table happened to have an empty chair. NO. I was always going to have a seat at the table. Not his lap. not tucked in the corner.

it is a regrettable understanding because with this idea I will have that tiresome self entitlement we see as a constant fault.

He was never going to let me have a seat at the table, my role was always going to be in support of him behind him. filling his cup when it was needed like he said, he would be the head and I the neck an essential piece to an able body. But, not one that will receive the recognition of anything. Ultimately the brain did the thinking, the mouth the speaking and the eyes the seeing. My role was going to be that of holding the world. A forever necessary force of nature. the poets will write of the support we held the world but never lived in it. i wont be that.

I will be the thing we tell our daughters to fear a women of scorn and ice. Living in a lonely castle of gold. They told me to want and so I became of want. Now, I see in their eyes pride. for not finding one but becoming the Man I needed be for my self.

[auzlon]

When in Rome

I thought I would cry when it was over. My body would be repulsed by my lust of a stranger or my own submission to it. That My entire being would come forth and banish me from own skin for allowing the touch of, skin. Instead, I relished, I indulged. I sucked his finger as the rhythm panting heat echoed my hotel room. When we began, it became simple memory, a beat of a drum that I myself know too well. That yes, the musicians' faces will change, the steps to the dance might flatter slightly, but mostly it's all the same. I took comfort in that, not boredom.

dealing cards, as I steal your sight

Sipping far into the night

come to my bed, never to lay

stepping in and out.

'You can sit on my bed' she speaks

'can we just-' she nods.

we begin the dance not of hiding our cards

but stealing glances and fleeting moans.

come to my temple let us begin a new prayer.

[auzlon]

he comes

he comes again into the place of his demise. looking searching hoping to enchant and recreate the chances in which he casted his first spell. His words will smell of honey but rotten like the cores of the fruits turned to their sides.

are tears less sad when they are cried more often? will my love be less potent because of its frequency?

his apologies will echo into silent minds. silent by his doing, emptied by mine.

he comes back assuming that time has driven me mad forced me into corners he once protected me from. he comes with the same tears I bestowed on him; only for him to remind of their annoyance.

oh, how a kiss and a hug would've supplied.

he. he is a gone, because I want him gone. I have chosen to sell our queen size bed and keep a full size for myself and to my future self

-- 'that's it' goodbye ---. he refused me satisfaction of hearing him say my name.

[auzlon]

los papels

I was always aware we were different but only different from the people on TV. On TV the people were blue eyed and blonde they spoke English in the house, their houses were two stories and the mom would garden. Our home was not different to the people in our lives; they spoke Spanish, all had the same caramel tinted skin, all had moles, deep lines on there faces. They were like us and my young child mind considered the entire world to be in all forms similar.

but some of the teachers looked like the people on the TV or some of the girls had parents who looked like those people. Just as I have grown to realize people look as my family and categorize them as those people we did the same.

Those people had been living in the USA for so many generations they could not trace back what country they came from. Because everyone came from another country except those other people. We knew and know it.

My parents never looked at me and claimed to be American. I had naively gone around my cousins block in Tijuana telling everyone I was from America all starring back at me with a strange expression. Until she pulled me aside to tell me. We live in America, even if we were in Tijuana, Mexico. Yes, my father laughed we live in America, Mexico and Canada are all in America. This entire piece of rock that stretches from north to south is all America.

All theses people are American. I would be American even if my parents had stayed in Mexico.

parte una - essay series