I Can Never Sleep

[otherwindow]

my favourite trope is “antagonist and protagonist narrowly avoiding each other in the same space” and The Emperor’s New Groove nails it perfectly I wish more media did stuff like this

[kindigo]

Comedy points I only consider now after watching this clip 6 times:

• Yzma is entirely unsurprised to find Kronk suddenly working in the kitchen. “Why am I not surprised,” she says. This is just typical Kronk

• Kronk immediately starts making the potato side. He starts to add cheese, stops, starts again, CATCHES IT ON HIS OVEN MITT

• back to yzma’s unsurprise. Is this because she continually finds him helping people. when she asks him to go shake down citizens for taxes does she find him changing lightbulbs and rehanging doors. Is that why she hired him, he’s the most competent incompetent minion ever

• what does kronk’s resume look like

[kraetys]

Kronk is THE original himbo

[artfulfashion]

Liza Korol photographed for Saber Viver Magazine, November 2019, by Goncarlo Claro

[cottagehonaey]

wide open fields hold a special place in my heart

[erubes1-deactivated20200420]

Just another day in paradise

[berningsensation]

[xgeminixmoonx]

Drops mic*

[nakedly]

[love]

by Hannah Schmucker

[everythingfox]

(via)

[dankmemeuniversity]

[apathetic-revenant]

demon: YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME, MORTAL. WHAT DEAL DO YOU WISH TO STRIKE WITH THE POWERS OF HELL?

roomba: [is a roomba]

demon:

roomba:

demon:

roomba:

demon: man c’mon you gotta work with me here a little bit

[poppetawoppet]

roomba: *slowly spells on floor* K N I F E

demon: ahhhhh I see. You have heard the legend of Stabby.

roomba: *vibrates excitedly*

[justsomeantifas]

Do you have non socialist friends or you just hang out with people with similar ideas?

I wake up and go to work in the Socialism factory hitting things w the big Socialism hammer w all my other socialist friends. I clock out and get $1000000 deposited into my socialist bank account because that's what marx would have wanted

[bbbbbbvf]

There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.

[lesbianshepard]

apparently native american tribes were in contact with the donner party and offered them food when they saw the colonists were starving and the donner party turned them down and decided to go the whole “cannibalism” route instead. 

[lesbianshepard]

Until now the Native American perspective has been left out of the telling of the Donner tragedy, not because the wel mel ti did not remember the pioneers, but because they were never asked, or perhaps were not ready to share. Their oral tradition recalls the starving strangers who camped in an area that was unsuitable for that time of year. Taking pity on the pioneers, the northern Washoe attempted to feed them, leaving rabbit meat and wild potatoes near the camps. Another account states that they tried to bring the Donner Party a deer carcass, but were shot at as they approached. Later, some wel mel ti observed the migrants eating human remains. Fearing for their lives, the area’s native inhabitants continued to watch the strangers but avoided further contact. These stories, and the archaeological evidence that appears to support them, certainly complicated my interpretation of the Donner Party event. The migrants at Alder Creek were not surviving in the mountains alone—the northern Washoe were there, and they had tried to help.  (source)

tfw a group of unprepared strangers show up, refuse the food you offer them, start fucking cannibalizing each other, and then call you the savages

[nonlinear-nonsubjective]

[basil-witxh]

My favorite kind of Adultier Adults™ are those who actively try, like really really try, to understand millennial and GenZ humor but just can’t q u i t e get it, and turn it into something 10x funnier 

[basil-witxh]

Me over the phone in bad traffic: Oh, I can move again, the road work is done

My grandpa: Uh I sure hope it isn’t 

Me: 

Gramps: 

Me: Did-

Gramps: Did I do it right 

[basil-witxh]

Me with my grandpa again: What’cha doing? 

Gramps: making a video of seven seconds of joy 

Me, frightened: gramps? 

Gramps: *Sends a 7-second video of himself eating Almond Joy* Can you put it on vine for me

Me, choking up, not willing to tell him it’s gone: S-Sure 

[basil-witxh]

Me, to my Grandmother over the phone: I don’t know gramma, I don’t know if English is a degree that suits me. 

Gramma: But you’ve always loved writing!

Gramps, screaming for the other side of their apartment, just audible over the phone: THAT’S HER OPINIIIOOOOOONNNNNNN!

[basil-witxh]

(Over the phone at like 22:30) Me: Man I am just exhausted but can’t find any sleeping aids, are there any left from when you-

Gramps: It’s the sleeping time 

Me: yeah? 

Gramps: So it’s the time to sleep? 

Me: …. yes? 

Gramps: Might I suggest you put head on pillow and sleep? 

Me, finally realizing: You watch tiktoks. YOU watch TIKTOK. 

Gramps: Just get some warm milk, you cretin 

Gramps: *Hangs up*

Me, staring at my phone in disbelief: WH Y 

[basil-witxh]

Me, over Skype: Hey gramps did you get the birthday box I sent you? You wanna know what’s in it? 

Gramps: DIS BOX EMPTY! WHEAT! 

Gramps: *Softly tosses the box onto the couch*

Me: Wh. Wheat. 

[basil-witxh]

Gramps over the phone: guess what?!

Me: what?!

Gramps: my Hispanic neighbor taught me how to use freshvakdos!

Me: use… What

Gramps: you know! Freshvakdos! Guacamole!

Me: do. Do you mean fre sh avo ca do?

Gramps: YEAH

[basil-witxh]

Gramps: So I heard about blessing that are actually curses so I’m going to give you one okay

Me: oh no

Gramps: oh yeah.

Me: please-

Gramps: may you receive every book you have ever wanted to read in your life

Me: ….how is this a curse

Gramps: … Only for the last chapters to be torn out and unavailable online

Me: GRAMPS NO

GRamps: GRAMPS YES

[basil-witxh]

Me: *flinches as Gramps uses my deadname several times* *let’s it slip that I wear a binder* *accidentally mentions dysphoria*

Gramps: *deadname* are you okay

Me: Gramps, could you maybe call me Kai instead…?

Gramps without missing a beat or bothering to take his phone away from his face, SCREAMING to my grandma: HONEY WE’VE GOT ANOTHER GRANDTHEM!!!

Me, expecting backlash since my grandparents are conservative Mormons: *violent sobbing laughter*

[basil-witxh]

Okay, since this blew up beyond expectations, here’s a list about things my grandfather has done to make me love him more than basically anyone else.

-he’s letting me live in his house while he is on a mission for his church. A gigantic house on lots of land with the large garden and a sunroom. He let me bring all of my animals as well.

-He sold me his car and truck super cheap. The truck is named Gorp. It stands for Grandpas Old Retired Pimpmobile.

-He sends me a box full of fuzzy socks every month because he knows my cat destroys them

-He started using they/them for.my pronouns and hasn’t fumbled once over phone or Skype

-He calls Gramma Lovely, Dearest, Sweetheart, and my personal favorite: Honey Buns (which I picked up ages ago and now my favorite person ever is labeled honey buns in my phone)

-He still says Wheat instead of Yeet. Intentionally.

-He speaks fluent Spanish and learned immigration laws to help keep his Hispanic neighbors safe when “ICE comes around with it’s ugly unchristian head”

- he may be a Mormon, but in his (and Grammas) eyes, Christianity is about love, forgiveness, acceptance, and being there for those you love and care for and he LIVES by that.

-when they aren’t on a mission for the LDS church, they are foster parents to strictly only older teenagers and troubled kids.

-He loves everyone and will accept anyone into his family as long as they are kind and patient.

-He learned ASL so he could communicate with his dead neighbor and be a friend to him

And finally, the man, the myth, the legend himself:

This is Gramps and Gramma (who asked for her face to be covered). I also covered up the badge Gramps wears because it gives his location and name.

[basil-witxh]

I would like you all to know that Gramps and Gramma have offered to adopt every single one of y'all as Grandbabies! They will learn about any religion and support ya no matter what. All they ask is for you to fold your socks. NO ONE IS GRAMMA AND GRAMPS-LESS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

(also if any of y'all are lonely I am so so happy to message anyone and make friends. I love you all 💜)

[valtharr]

excuse me, but I would die for Gramps

[basil-witxh]

Gramps would never allow you to die of anything but OVEREATING AND DINNER IS AT 1800 DONT BE LATE

[moodogs]

I really think it’s funny that you put dead instead of deaf but I also feel like he would totally do it if his dead neighbor spoke asl so

[basil-witxh]

Was it a mistake or is there a ghost I didn’t clue y'all into *sips tea*

[euphoria-my-love]

this is the best thing i’ve seen all day

[celeste-tyrrell]

This gave my my yearly dose of serotonin

[heroofthreefaces]

goals

[whitepeopletwitter]

[katiecomma]

I JUST learned that this shirt cost them $10,000 to put into this movie… but they refused to compromise because they were like: he’s the hugest Golden Girls fan… this has to make the movie… so they paid $10,000 to use Bea Arthur’s likeness on this shirt…  Ryan Reynolds, you’re doing Deadpool so right.

[whole-grain-wheat-thicks]

They traded all the guns in the final climactic showdown for Bea Arthur’s face. Worth it.

[frontier001]

Reynolds paid it himself, out of pocket. It didn’t come from the budget. He talked with Bea’s sons and they agreed to it for a donation to Bea’s favorite charity. ☺️

[katiecomma]

I did not know that. That’s so much better than I could have imagined.

[sammy-sawshank]

[crapolainabox]

The Bea Arthur Residence Officially Opens To Homeless LGBT Youth in NYC

The Ali Forney Center opened its new LGBTQ youth homeless residence – the Bea Arthur Residence. In attendance for he opening of the 18-roo

[dlasta]

(From Deadpool 2.)

[best-shower-thoughts]

Since the ocean has meat, salt, and veg in it, it is technically a big thing of soup. (source)

[just-shower-responses]

but it’s COLD >:(

[tinyowlnonsense]

The Ocean Is Gazpacho

[argumate]

your honour, I did not read the terms and conditions, in fact I closed my eyes and clicked the mouse at random which the software incorrectly assumed constituted a legal and binding agreement on my part.

*I high five my defence attorney as the prosecutor grinds his teeth*

[sindri42]

I mean we joke but it has literally been determined in a court of law that a checkbox does not constitute a signature and an average EULA is not a valid contract.