hi!! please feel free to chat and say hi. below the cut is a list of fics, along with links to their post on tumblr/ao3. for drabbles, snippets, or shorter fics you might want to check my writing tag: #tortoise tries to write or #tortoisememery if youre here for the incorrect quotes/playlists/memes/any of my other attempts at humor. for analysis: #tortoise analysis ; the tags are kinda fucked w the search idk why i think the search works on my blog itself tho
stuff i post: grishaverse, the pitt, the artful dodger, marvel, pjo hoo, classical music, a lot..l of stuff…
(all my original posts are tagged with #me; i believe you can use that to sort through them. or not i dont know how these updates work)
requests are always very very very (i cant say it enough) welcome, though i may take ages to do so i will definitely do my best to write them out. (anything sfw is fine). i think thats all, will update this periodically. enjoy your existences
1. how we go on (ao3, 1.7k)
warning for mc death, angst
summary: It wasn't supposed to be her. It was never supposed to be her. That is all Nikolai can think, the only thing he finds coherent and whole in his mind as Zoya lies in his arms, eyes bright and radiant and blood blooming on her chest.
or: nikolai and zoya both realizing they dont have much time left. takes place some years after rule of wolves
2. even so, my sun did shine (ao3, 1.2k)
no warnings, fluff
summary: A sort of reverse of That Scene between Zoya and Nikolai in the aftermath of the Tavgharad’s-- lets call it a fiery demise-- but less angsty ‘don’t gos’ and more nonsensical fluff.
in which zoya is slightly loopy and quite a bit more clingy in the aftermath of taking a sleeping draught, and nikolai finds himself rather concerned at her lack of spite. hes not exactly complaining, though.
3. laughter in the rain (ao3, tumblr, 2.1k)
no warnings; basically half-crack, half-fluff
summary: in which Nikolai is much too found of puns while Zoya is the polar opposite, and a young, incredibly chaotic Squaller child wreaks absolute havoc on literally everything. (from tumblr ask: how about nikolai interacting with zoya’s students and them finding nikolai’s dad jokes funnier than zoya does (though she does secretly enjoy them))
4. all i ask (ao3, excerpt here)
no warnings, pining/angst
summary: Starlight glints in her gaze, in the jewels that swirl in the waves of her gown. “What do you want, Nikolai?” she asks quietly.
“A dance,” he says, and though it has barely been seconds he feels as though he’s aged a decade. He forces an easy smile onto his face, holding out his hand. “Nothing but a dance.”
or: a king and his general, and the words they leave unsaid. basically angsty zoyalai ballroom dancing while they play their favorite game that we all know as ‘lets constantly ignore our feelings for eachother!’
5. a heart's a heavy burden ao3, multichapter, 5 chaps and 8.8k so far)
no warnings, post-KoS, pre-RoW pining and angst to come but happy ending
summary: There would always be part of her that wanted more; for better or worse, a part of her that believed she wouldn’t know true satisfaction until she had it, even as she swore off the possibility with every fiber of will in her. She wouldn’t become what he had. She couldn’t. And yet fear of it now roils deep in her gut, old and dark as the scales glinting on her wrists.
(Zoya struggles to control the newfound power she has in her amplifiers and fears that her strength could turn her into something worse. luckily, nikolai is here :)
from anon request: after trying so hard to make sure that she’s unable to feel nikolai’s emotions with her newfound powers something happens that breaks zoya’s concentration and she’s finally feels the weight of nikolai’s feelings for her.
6. as the morining comes (ao3, tumblr, 997 words)
no warnings
summary: "Nikolai, at this moment, has decided on two things: the first being that he is a hopelessly lost cause for Zoya Nazyalensky, and the second being that he does not think he will ever stop smiling again."
part one of a bunch of fluffy zoyalai oneshots ill post under the series waltz of four left feet
7. afterimage (ao3, 362 words)
summary: basically hurt/comfort post-breakup zoyalai in a modern au
8. its always brighter with you (ao3, 748 words)
summary: an excuse for me to write zoyalai banter. basically Nikolai and Zoya going through all the shit Genya sent them and doing the KoS equivalent of Say Yes to the Dress with Nikolai
9. stills of a life tied in blue (that is to say, tied to you) (ao3, 466 words)
warning: grief/mcd
summary: a little fic and musing on the ever iconic blue ribbon and the roles it will play throughout nikolai and zoyas life, from beginning to end.
10. All I’ve ever wanted (ao3, 1500 words)
summary:
Its sometime early in terms of their days, he is kissing her (as he does) when he reaches a point behind the shell of her ear that makes her sigh. His eyes flutter open and it's that image: morning light lilting along her features, her eyes closed, a smile lilting on her lips, perfect contentment– he wants to give her the world. He’s only a man, but he’d do damn near anything that meant seeing that look on her face again. So he promises, and it feels the least he can swear: he will never stop trying.
4 gifts from Nikolai + a final one that means the world
11. masquerade (ao3 2000 words)
The first time she'd pretended she was fucking Nikolai Lantsov wasn't nearly as amusing as it should have been.
or: the first time they need to fake being lovers for national security reasons and the feelings they cannot afford to feel. so naturally they just stop feeling them. jk!
12. My love mine all mine (ao3, 577 words)
Neither of them are ever much good at saying what they really, truly feel, but there is no need for words, now; she thinks. There is no need to say what she can feel through every inch of her skin.
Aka a continuation of the zoyalai first kiss from RoW picking up directly after 'she obliged him.'
Because like that's all we get? One kiss? Cmon the people need more
13. Where light breaks (ao3, 677 words)
She is still Zoya, still too proud to ask for what she wants but he is lost to her and so he gives it, drawing her to him; his arms wrapped low around her waist, letting her drop her head back against his shoulders as his lips map the ever new, well worn way down her throat.
—-
Just a relationship/character study of Zoyalai, in a world where they give into their longing for a while before the inevitable wedding. Post King of Scars, alternate row.
14. lovesick (2/? chapters , ao3 )
He knows how her skin feels, under his fingers. Or rather he is nearly certain he knows how her skin feels, and the ‘nearly’ of it is driving him to a precarious tap dance on the frayed edge of his sanity.
aka nikolai and zoya come back from the fold and are just as haunted by every what if and should have been as the rest of us and this time they actually DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
when u wake up and all the sneaky little typos from last night have taken off their invisibility cloak and are now wearing neon orange vests and dancing the Macarena
quotes from supriya ganesh's new interview that make me wanna rip out my own hair:
"I think a lot of what drives her is the passing of her father; and though that's not explicitly delved into in the show like for a lot of the characters[...] everyone has that thing that makes them tick"
"One thing i did, especially for season two, is that i wrote letters to him in different stages of her life, especially when she was in medical school, promising the kind of doctor she was gonna be, and the goals she would strive to as a medical professional for him"
"I think pittfest really redeemed her, and showed us that she can work in a fast paced environment. I think a lot of it is decision paralysis, which can also be a strength. She's found more balance. She has that diagnostic superpower where she can look under the surface and see what's going on"
"I hear from a lot of people; people with chronic pain, chronic disease, conditions where they weren't believed, especially women and women of colour, they really want this doctor. I mean i want this doctor. [...] There is so much in women's healthcare especially, where there's just no research done for... like there's still no real way to diagnose endometrioses without an invasive surgery for example"
"Doctor Mohan is that doctor that says 'no i am going to listen to you, even if other people call you crazy[...]' and i don't think it's a specific type of patient; even with the geriatric cases she doesn't dismiss them just because they are older, she sees their problems and she is going to fix it"
"i think she only realises how innapropriate and in some ways traumatic it was that her boss spoke to her that way after he left the room, and she sort of sees everyone looking at her; that is only the moment where she's like 'what just happened'"
"Especially as a subordinate, so much of your future depends on whether your attending likes you or not, and she's trying to stay in this hospital. It's very destabilising to her. It really sort of came out of nowhere, she thought they were on better terms"
"[during the ambulance bay scene] This is the first time that she's learning literally anything about him; she's trying to process it after these weird few hours with him. It gives her more insight into why. I don't know if things are 100% okay, i think she just sort of sees that he's going through it too"
"A lot of female residents or med students have this sort of weird dynamic with superiors where they are kind of seen as less than in some ways, or taken less seriously"
"[about Orlando] She never wanted to be in the position of the doctor who delivered the news to her family; she always thought she was gonna cover all her bases and is now met with this immovable force that is the American healthcare system and insurance. Even though there is a much larger structural force preventing her from delivering this care, having to give the news herself kind of breaks her"
"She now has empathy for that doctor that failed her own family; there is very complicated feelings, like 'was i too harsh on them' or 'maybe they were also tired' or maybe they had a boss that was trying to get them to flip beds and thought my dad was being dramatic about his heart attack symptoms."
"When i first read her, i thought she was written as a response to, like, everything. The fact that you have to turn over these patients, and almost treat this hospital like it's a restaurant. She feels like the best way to deliver care is to not do that to the extent that it needs to be done"
"[If Samira returned to s3] I just think she's a brilliant ER doctor, and i would hope that she adds specialties to make her more fulfilled in that setting; i would hope that she would find a way to continue her research on racial disparity, and i hope she takes the next day [after the 4th of July] off"
"[ About fans response to her leaving] I guess i didn't know you liked the character that much?[laughs] No, no, i mean i know they did, but i was so surprised by how much love everyone had for her. That's what i'm gonna miss the most, all the love and the community that people formed around the character"
"[About Samira's most challenging case] I think it was really the sickle cell patient; we filmed that very soon after Sonya Massey was murdered. I think it was really overwhelming for me to come in and deal with those dynamics with the sickle cell patient. I told Ashley(Joyce) that we could always take a breather"
"I don't think Samira does karaoke, i think she's just kinda sitting in the corner and hoping no one notices she's there"
"[About what she'll miss the most] Oh, i mean the cast, definitely. I've made some lifelong friends there, and it's gonna be weird seeing them not in scrubs because we don't hang out outside of set a lot. Now i will have see them outside of a scrub setting"
Not “Only my reading of canon is correct” or “Interpretations are subjective and all valid” but a secret third thing, “More than one interpretation can be valid but there’s a reason your English teacher had you cite quotes and examples in your papers, you have to have a strong argument that your interpretation is actually supported by the text or it is just wrong and I’m fine with telling you it’s wrong, actually.”
If the text says the curtains are blue you can argue about what that means; but if you’re going to claim they’re actually yellow you’d better have a really good argument.
Fandom has such unresolved mommy/daddy issues about authors. If you apply a little reading comprehension skills to my original post you’ll see I didn’t say anything at all about the author. You guys always make “interpretation” about your beef with the author. You’re all obsessed with the author. This post is just about deciphering what is there in canon. Figuring out what is being communicated by the canon itself with all the words and images and basic formal elements that are there in canon. That’s all it’s about. It really doesn’t matter if the author intentionally put all those things there in a pattern that might support the idea that this one character’s queer. That’s not what this is about. What matters is if you can compellingly argue there’s a pattern of evidence there. Or not. Everyone is conspiring together to make me go insane still adding shit about authorial intent on my post.
