Awful Storyteller

I'm bad at putting thoughts into words but I have to get it out of my head.

[awfulstoryteller]

I got the job that I applied for and yesterday was my first shift. I did not know how to feel about it, I mean, I did cried on the first hour of shift and I honestly thought of quitting right at that first hour which is such a dumb move to be thinking of. I don't know, I really want to keep this job. I have been jobless and pennyless for a year now. I need to get my shit together and stop overthinking about things that just about to happen or not even going to happen. I have no idea what is going on with me but I will try to not get in to deep with it.

[awfulstoryteller]

Life has been as hard as it seems for my mental state lately. I mean, it always is but it's extra shit this past few days. I can't really say it's all shit. I did enjoy most days while at home or at some place I wished to be but some days I just question my existence like, why is life like this, what's the point of being alive and all that none sense I've had inside my head.

Anyways, I just finished an interview for the job I applied on the internet and I don't think I did great. Applying for a job that you had no idea what's it about is a wrong move to make but I did it anyway. I know that was dumb of me but at this point, I'm just here to play the role of being alive. You know, being a human being, finding a job and make money to stay and feel alive. I don't know what I am doing.

[awfulstoryteller]

I have been taking care of this plant for a couple of months now, more than 6 months maybe (?). I got this from our front yard and decided to let it hang inside my room. I currently have 10 plants. Killed 3 for the past months.

Been challenging my self to take care of living things so I can take care of my stupid self too. Not the-food-and-shelter kind of taking care though because I am a 28-year-old-broke-ass-shit-head-that-still-lives-under-her-parents-roof, but that mind-and-body-taking-care kind of taking care.

Anyways, I got this because it looks really cool and just because I wanted to feel like I am outdoors even though I'm indoors, I don't know, if that makes sense or something.

It was very tiny when I got it and I don't even know the name of the plants I stole from the front yard, didn't even bother asking.

Tonight, I decided to google the name of this plant. It was called Queen of Hearts (Homalomena). Damn I feel smart typing the scientific name or whatever that is. Finally learned the name of this guy. 1 down, 9 more to go. HAHA

Took this yesterday morning because the sunlight looks really pretty touching the plant.

[awfulstoryteller]

August 7th felt unpleasant for I woke up at 5am for no reason and then my stupid self decided to scroll through social media. Been trying to minimize social media but for some reason, I can't. Looking through filtered photos of casual people in my small town, peeking through their live's "perfect" reel and then wanting to get my eyes out of my head through my brain and regretting it. What's the use, really? Now I can't go back to sleep.

[awfulstoryteller]

July feels really odd this year and I know it's too early to actually say it. I felt like I could die but I feel very alive. I am not sure what it was that made me feel alive, not sad, not happy, just alive.

[entheognosis]

“Everything is going to get worse in time, because as you know it does, we all fall apart in the end. Everything falls apart, institutions buildings and nations, it all crumbles. And people say well that’s an awfully pessimistic philosophy. Well is it? I would rather say that the people who have hope in the future are the miserable people because they are like donkeys chasing carrots dangled before their noses from sticks attached to their collar. And they pursue and they pursue in vain, always hoping that tomorrow will be the great thing and therefore incapable of enjoying themselves today. People who live for the future never get there.”

—

Alan Watts

Mythology of Hinduism

[awfulstoryteller]

"Breathe out, watch the word as they fall from your mouth. " -Movements: Colorblind

[awfulstoryteller]

If you never break you'll never know how to put yourself back together.