(some) words a day keep the doctor away!

A short blog where I post stories, fiction and non-fiction, of at least 500 words a day(sometimes daily, recently, not so much), mostly unedited in rough draft form. Constructive crisicisms, as well as just people who feel like talking, are welcome in the ask box. I don't bite, I promise, unless you're a delicious potato chip....

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 623

(Anyone I know irl…please don’t read this. I mostly just wrote this to get it out of my head. And I’m not quite sure where truth ends and fantasy begins, or if it’s all true, or all fake….)

I hope we fuck.

I keep thinking about what it would be like. And whether or not we will. But I hope we will.

From the night we met, there was a bit of…tension, I guess, is the right word, between us.

I mean, I didn’t/don’t really want to date you. You’re cool, but I don’t think a relationship like that would necessarily work between us. Especially now that you’ve got your fiancé, and I’ve got boyfriend and girlfriend… We just don’t click like that. But there was something there, something I realized before we even left the club.

When you gave me that backrub…and then moved to go for my tits… if I was single, I probably would have let you. But it was very much against my rules, and I didn’t really know you, so I rolled away….

But over our time being friends, you said and did things that made me…curious…

First thing you did was back off when I told you to. It showed you respected my boundaries and my wishes. That’s the first thing someone has to do if they want any chance in my pants… react well when I told them they can’t go there.

And you showed me your toys. Not in a “I want to use these on you…” way, but in a “Hey, look at this cool thing I bought!” way. And it made me…curious. To see how they’re used, see what they feel like… that sort of thing. And when you used the electricity…oh my gosh. That was a fun night, and there was nothing sexual even about it. It was just fun to shock another person through your own body…

And the way you dance. Can’t deny that I’ve thought about it a few times watching you. And your arms… I don’t know how to explain it, but certain people’s arms just turn on my interest, and yours is one of them….

And the fact that the very night you found out that the rules had changed so that things could happen, you and your fiancé pulled me aside and asked to do things with you. And the passion with which you kissed me after I told you we couldn’t fuck yet. And your fiancé said she had heard so much about me before that, and how she was very eager to be friends with me….and that she was the one who asked if I wanted to do anything with you! You must have given me a rather glowing review, for having her ask that when neither of you had even kissed me!

I was nervous, though. When I went around moaning in pain, saying that the previous night had been a night of bad mistakes, I was worried that you had thought agreeing to make out and whatever with you had been a mistake. I was glad when I was able to clear up that I was talking about the silly decisions I had made regarding the chemicals I had ingested that made me sick, and not that decision…

But the thing that makes me really excited to make it happen…is twice now you’ve given me cute little kisses when one of us was going. A little way of acknowledging “Hey, you’re cool, and hopefully we’ll do something at some point…”

I think we will. You’ve asked straight out if we were going to, and I replied straight back that as long as you weren’t busy one of the upcoming weekends then gladly. I thought it was going to happen at the party, when we were all naked in the bed, but then your stuff wasn’t working. Sigh…

So, we probably will. But still. I hope we fuck. And soon.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 512

All of a sudden…”you” became too much….

I don’t know how else to explain it. One moment we were talking, everything as normal…the next…I don’t know how or why but it was overwhelming. I don’t know how else to explain it. Just...the idea of talking to you. My anxiety spiked, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. My mind just…shut down.

I figured it just be my depression acting up. It was being particularly difficult at that moment, and was interfering with other relations I had. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep and not talk to anyone, especially with the schedule change and always being tired and everything being horrible and shit. I mean, why talk to people if all I’ve got to talk about is how shitty everything is?

But it seems to have become something more. When I login and see that you’ve messaged me, my heart still leaps with anxiety. And although I try to tame it by not reading the message, that just makes the anxiety worse when you next message me again! (Never mind that it only has the effect of shuffling off one form of anxiety to a different kind….but then I was never that good with coping mechanisms, and at least the change of anxiety seems to relieve the tension, somewhat. And somehow, the “What does the message say?” anxiety doesn’t burn as strongly as the “deal with you” anxiety….)

I don’t want to be done with you. Even if we are unable to continue with our arrangement (I don’t think we can. Just due to personal reasons. I’ve been having weird issues relating to me and sex and the idea of sex recently. And I don’t want to hold out hope for you when there might not be any), I would at least enjoy being friends. But if this emotional response keeps up, I’m not quite sure what to do…

But I already know you staying the night isn’t going to fly. Not only would the boy and girl likely throw a fit, but I don’t really want it either. I like sleeping with them during the precious few nights I have available with them. And…it’s just weird. I don’t even know how I’m going to relate to you face-to-face, I don’t really want to be planning an overnight visit with you. Not in my apartment, my safe space. Not with you in my inner sanctum, my fortress of a bedroom, where I go to hide away from even the boy and the girl when I need to. Not where I need you when I don’t know what to do with you. I can only imagine the psychological toll that would come from my inner sanctum being violated.

But I don’t know how to tell you no. You always come up with good answers to my objections. And I do want to stay your friend, and I do want to make things better, and I’m afraid this may be my last chance. I just…don’t know what to do.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 610

When was the first time you questioned your sexuality? What prompted it? Was there a defining moment you knew you were bi? Tell us the story.

-I first questioned my sexuality when I was in seventh grade. I remember looking over at my best friend while we were in class together, and thinking “Wow, she’s so pretty…”, which was immediately followed by, “Crap, does that mean I’m a lesbian? Do I like girls?!?!” and then I somewhat hand-waved it away with, “Well, it doesn’t really matter if I like girls. I’m not going to tell her either way, ‘cause she’ll think I’m a weirdo, and I can’t have that…!” (Ironically, I found out later she had been crushing on me at the same time. But I’m happy we didn’t end up dating, because then we wouldn’t be friends now.) I didn’t really know what “bisexual” was at that time, I don’t think, because I know the idea of liking both didn’t really occur to me at the time. The first time I actually sat down and realized, “I am bisexual” though? That would have to be in freshman year. I ended up with a massive, horrible, puppy dog crush on one of my other best friends. Who I knew liked girls. It was bad enough that all my friends knew, even though I was trying to hide it. And I knew I still liked boys, because I also had a crush on this guy I kind of knew at the same time. This time, I knew what bisexual was, and I thought, “Hey, maybe this label will fit me too…”. And when I finally had my first girl kiss with that girl and saw the fireworks…I knew that I enjoyed girls as much as I liked guys (didn’t really work out between she and I, but I’ll always remember her fondly and wish her happy birthday on facebook)

How did figuring out other parts of your identities relate to figuring out your bisexuality?

-It was a bit funny when I discovered I was genderfluid, because I realized that regardless of where I fell on the spectrum that day my sexuality stayed the same, whereas if I just liked dudes or just liked girls or whatever I could flip between gay or straight potentially.

What, if any, other sexual identities you considered before your current one(s)? If you’re in the middle of your journey, where are you at right now? How’s it going so far? What are the part(s) that you’re sure about?

-Well, I thought I was straight for the longest time. Even though I had a girlfriend who I “liked” in first grade, I never quite put two and two together, and wrote it off as “childish fun” when I even bothered to remember it, which was rarely. I’ve also gone back and forth with the label of “pansexual”, which I currently use interchangeably, as to me, they mostly mean the same thing. I love all genders, and I like genders that are the same and different than me. However, recently, I’ve been really enjoying the word “queer”. It encompasses everything I want to communicate about my identity with one word. (Plus, I really enjoy the phrase “Not gay as in happy, queer as in fuck you”. Some people try to tell me I can’t identify that way because it’s a slur, but I don’t see anyone saying that about the word gay. I’ve heard gay used as a slur far more often than I’ve heard the word queer used, yet it gets used as an umbrella term for the whole flippin’ community, erasing everyone else, yet the more inclusive queer, which used to be the accepted umbrella term before the alphabet soup came around, is often deemed “too offensive to use”) I still identify strongly as bisexual, but if someone asks, queer is the go-to word I’m most likely to use, partially because I don’t like other people putting me into a box of what they think when the heard “bisexual”, partially because it also describes my gender in a single word, and partially because it commands attention.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word Count: 581

So I lied about your nickname.

When I accidentally let it slip, I told you it was because of the night we met. I mean, come on, you invited a pretty girl from the club you barely knew to come hang out to hang out in your bedroom and do drugs. I mean, to be fair, you knew my bestie, who I checked with beforehand to see if you were an okay person and see if she wanted to go. Usually, that would be enough of a reason to call someone a “creeper”. However, it’s not actually how you got your nickname.

It was very obvious you liked me from the moment you meant me. Before we even left the club, I could tell. I’m pretty good at developing a sense for that. My suspicions were confirmed when you went for my boobs during the back rub. And it wasn’t that I didn’t like you, per se. I just didn’t know you, and my rules wouldn’t allow for it, although I might have gone for it, had I been able. But those things weren’t true, so it was a no. Put you hit on me. And hit on me. Despite my obvious lack of proper reaction to it, because as a girl, you learn from a young age to let them down gently because you don’t know who will turn violent. And while you seemed like a nice guy, they all do, until they turn crazy. That’s when bestie and I started calling you that. “Creeper” seemed an apt description for your behavior. And then at one point, you pushed it, and I had to respond with, “Dude, I don’t know you. And I never get involved with people who I’m not friends with first”. And… you just backed off immediately. Said you understood, and that you wouldn’t mind having sex or whatever, but that you wanted to be my friend.

That was the moment you earned my respect. You backed the hell off, said you were fine with just being friends, and pretty much never brought it up again. Well, until recent events, anyways, but I also had a hand in that… but the only reason why that happened was because of your actions in that moment. If I have to pull back and don’t want to go further, or don’t want to do things anymore…I know you’ll be alright, and that we’ll stay friends. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I always knew in the back of my head that when things went/will go bad, Z and I probably won’t be friends anymore. We both invested away too much into the stupid thing for things to go back to being the way they were.

I get a better feeling about how things will go with you. And you already seem a lot more promising on the fun front, and we haven’t even done anything more than making out, really. And we have a history of talking about sex stuff, without it being weird and sexual, as just a matter of fact type thing, so I have a decent idea of what I might be getting into this time, and at any rate, talking about stuff with you will be less awkward and easier than my previous foray.

Yeah. I think I might go for this. This could be the start of something fun. Heh, I guess girlfriend was on to something, suggesting something way back when.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word Count: 522

Dear Girlfriend,

Hey. I’m sorry getting time together recently has been ridiculous. But seriously. Come on. Almost all the time where I am awake and not at work is spent with you. We have more time together than before I got the steady schedule. Yeah, we haven’t been on “dates”, but that’s because I don’t “do” dates frequently, and neither of us has much money. I even pitched me taking you to go see Deadpool, my treat, but you turned it down because I’ve got money to pay you back so you’d rather skip a date and pay you that than go on the date but have it take another week or two to get that part of the money back. Its winter in New England, it’s too cold to go for walks. You said you want to do more than just sit at home watching things or playing games. But there’s not much else I can do at the moment.

I mean, yeah, I get it, I’m sleepy often. But I work the freaking overnight. I told you this might be a side effect when I checked in about taking this shift. And I haven’t even had it two weeks yet. My body is going to take a while to adjust to the whole thing. And I’m trying to move to first shift instead, but it’s far from certain. And here you are upset because I’m taking a few hours to go visit a friend of mine, which I warned you about weeks ago. Because it’s “your” day. I don’t remember promising to spend every single Friday for forever with you and only with you. And it was your choice to make plans for that day in the morning (which, I might add, is also “making plans on our day”) and have your dentist appointment. But as it is, you still might have a bit of time with me. And you’ll have me after I get home that night, potentially with something I want. And you had the chance to spend all of Saturday with me, and while I understand you have plans for that evening which can only be done that evening, you don’t have to go romp around with boyfriend all morning that morning and in the evening doing those plans together and pretty much leaving me alone all day on one of my only days off. Which, you know, is fine. Some time to myself will be nice, actually. But it’s not really fair, to be romping around going with him to pick up not heavy stuff from his parents, while I’m going to be well rested and awake at home, and yet complaining we’re not spending time together.

Dear god, you’re going to flip your shit when I remind you that I picked up next weekend for coworker so I’ll have to go in that night, aren’t you? Even though it’s for her newly born grandbaby. I’m not looking forward to reminding you of that.

I want to spend time with you. I’m trying my best. Please, try to work with me here.

All my love,

M

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word Count: 588

Dear Boyfriend,

You been fucking up. Stop fucking up.

You almost lost me that other night. I come back from hanging out with Bestie, who I had been away visiting all weekend. I was showing off my pretty new bra and panties set. I was propositioning everyone for a threesome (I NEVER am the one to start things like that). And you turned me down. And then almost immediately told me that the reason why I couldn’t go into (big city) with you and have a special date after you were on the radio was because you were going to ask out another girl. Who has red hair and is a loud raver girl, just like me. It was like a punch in the gut. I don’t care if you were drunk and frustrated, that really hurt. I’m still wounded when I think about that. And how I was obviously shaken walking into the other room. How you must have known that something bad was going on. But you waited until I came out with girlfriend. And how you didn’t even apologize until girlfriend pointed out how fucked up it was that you did that with that timing. You very nearly lost me.

And you keep trolling me about it. I keep asking for reassurance because for some reason, your choice of girls seems threatening to me. A cute model actress red head that is loud and energetic and talks fast and is a raver? Who has her life together enough that she lives in (might as well be big city)? And is a cool radio host to boot? She’s got pretty much every trait I consider cool about me, plus more awesomeness. The only way I could be more intimidated would be if she did roller derby, which I’m not altogether sure she doesn’t, judging by the way things go about her. I explained that I was a bit intimidated, and need reassurance, and you just keep trolling. Which is really just not at all fair to me.

The part that has me upset currently though is last night. I was talking about trying to move shift, because I can’t freaking sleep well during the overnights, and a spot first shift opened up, and I almost never see you, except every other weekend and if I manage to stay awake past work. And your response was, “Well if you think you’ll sleep better sure. But we’ll probably see each other less, because I only schedule things for my days off in the afternoon or evening.” So it’s alright that I go out of my way to make sure I have no plans when you’re around so that we can spend time together, including on the freaking weekend, and yet you’re just going to purposefully schedule things while I’m around when you have days off during the week? Won’t even consider planning it in the morning on those days? I mean you would have until four…

It just seems like I’m doing all the work for little reward. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to keep my connection with you. But you don’t seem particularly keen about working at it either, which we need to both do if we’re going to make it, especially if I have to keep this schedule. Please, love, work with me. I don’t want you as my roommate who I cuddle, kiss, and fuck. I want to nurture the love. Please, help me.

With all my love,

M

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 656

Dear T,

I’m not sure what your angle is. I know you’ve wanted to get together with me since the first night we met. But I thought you were over that. I thought you just viewed me as a friend who was fun to go out dancing with and make stew with, nothing else. And that was fine.

But then the night of that lingerie party… I’m still not quite sure what happened. I mean, parts of my memory are all rearranged, and I have clear memories of things that never happened. But the picture I’ve managed to put together is a silly one.

You repeatedly made sure I was going to be there. Both where I commented on how cute bestie’s outfit was going to look, and then once or twice through Facebook messages. Your girlfriend seemed inordinately happy to meet me. And that you had “told (her) so much about (me)”. And she seemed very excited about us being friends. And then she brought up messing around with me first….but then you seemed much more aggressive about things after I had explained where my boundaries were (can’t do anything beyond general making out, because the boy and the girl hadn’t been told it would happen). I’m not sure if I ever properly kissed her, but I remember you hopping on top of me and kissing me multiple times.

But was that just a party type deal? You and your fiancé both seemed pleased by my assertion that I would come back and play at a later time, if desired. But is it a package deal? Is it only on special occasions deal?

That’s part of why I wanted to set up a movie and stew hang out. Mainly to figure out the lay of the land. Figure out where you think the lines are. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure how I’ll react if you want to go all the way. Part of me thinks it might be fun, and there’s a whole bunch of curiosity, I’m not going to lie. But then there’s the, “do I really want to do this?” side of me, especially looking at how things are currently with Z. The last thing either of us needs to do is catch feelings, something that I’m actually slightly more worried about from you, judging by how long you must have been interested. I just… I don’t know.

Part of me hopes that I come down, we watch Shortbus and Madoka and make stew and that’s that. And part of me hopes that we have crazy sex and talk about it afterwards. The worst would be crazy sex with no talking about it though. The wondering about it would drive me crazy. I’d have to know, just one way or another, what it was. I don’t care if it’s just fooling around. If I don’t have it confirmed, it’ll drive me batshit. So I’ll probably ask the question, if it’s not brought up, just to soothe my anxiety, if that happens. But I don’t know what will happen, or if the option will even be presented to me.

Girlfriend asked me what I was going to do yesterday. And I just anxiously flailed and changed the topic. I think what I’ll say beforehand, because I’ve got to tell them something in case it is presented and I do want it, that I don’t know what I’ll do, but I might if the mood strikes me.

I just don’t want to mess things up with us. You’ve always been a good friend to me, and always incredibly respectful, and one of the few people who I have met through the raver community who I have developed a real friendship with. I would hate to screw it up just because of curiosity and a little fun. That’s a stupidly high price to pay.

Well, I suppose we’ll see what happens Friday.

Cautiously,

M

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 550

Dear Z,

I don’t even know if I “like” you like that anymore. I can’t be sure what is depression and what is reality, when everything is numb and meaningless. But you trying to guilt me makes me not want to find out, to cut and run, to not deal with you or any of the complications you may bring.

I’ve been tired as hell, due to the new schedule, and stressed to boot. Boyfriend has had all sorts of days off of work that I wasn’t planning on, and since his back is all fucked, and I know he’s not super thrilled about you (he’s alright with it happening, he would just prefer it not be right under his nose), I’ve had to cancel the past few times you were going to visit. But I told you none of them were firm when we were planning, and your endless asking about it was just stressing me. I felt bad, but I had no option other than to just shut down for a bit. I’ve been slowly coming back into being, but with work leaving be exhaustion and depression leaving me hollow, it’s hard. But that nonsense on Saturday… that almost made me want to go away again. “Hope you’re having fun in (town)”. Looking at my events to figure out where I was when you saw that my daily selfie was out of the house? That’s really not okay. Especially because I wasn’t even there.  I had clicked attending because I was trying to win tickets so that bestie could go, because she really likes that DJ. It just pissed me off monumentally, that instead of asking where I was, you would go through my Facebook. And that’s also after you guilted me, which luckily, I didn’t see until after, or I would have laid into you immediately. “I’d love to hang out. You know, whenever you have time for me. Still free every Friday and weekend day…. Just waiting….”

Dude. You know my schedule is destroying me. What you didn’t see was that that was the first non-work non-living-with interaction I’ve had since this shift started. It was a low key night of Mariokart, which I almost didn’t make it out to because everything costs So. Much. Energy.  to do. Which is part of why I’m putting off making plans with you. Because it suddenly becomes so much work managing your expectations if something happens, and it just seems to high pressure.

And plus…you and I aren’t even dating. I know this is going to sound cruel. But we’re supposed to be casual friends who fuck. This is a lot more effort than I would put into something casual. You had the chance to be dating me. You declined. And yes, I put the amount of effort I would put into dating someone into you for a while. But then I had other things that called to my attention. People I am actually dating to pay attention to. If you want to change the nature of whatever this is, whatever, talk to me about it, but don’t be offended when I treat this like the friendship it is, because that’s the only way I can manage this thing in my head.

Hoping this shit gets sorted out,

Harles

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 503

What do you do

When you can’t do no more

When all you want to do is lie on the floor

And sleep

And nothing seems exciting

Or even worth the energy

And you know that this “you” isn’t the real you

On some level

But it’s hard to keep reminding

Yourself

Of the you from the summer

The you that was happy and free

And excited to explore any and all

Possibilities

Now you just lay there

Staring at the ceiling

Or the TV playing anything

Vaguely entertaining

Just to keep your mind

Off the endless abyss inside you

The ever-widening maw of darkness

That just sucks all hope and excitement

Into it’s never ending embrace

It started so slowly

Not sure where it began

At first it seemed like a wonderful plan

I had been working so many shifts

Unsure when I could sleep

So I soaked it all up

So that I could keep

Some semblance of a sleep schedule

Maybe

Eventually

I forgot that depression

Isn’t always feeling sad

And dramatic

Sometimes it’s just a lack of feeling

Like watching some paint dry

On a boring Sunday evening

Things I used to love

And couldn’t wait to do and see

Now it’s hard to care

Hard to work up the energy

I used to drive across state lines

(Biweekly)

To see my friends and play

Now the idea of driving two hours

Just makes me sad

And tired

Just from thinking about it

And then I have to be happy on top of it?

Better just stay home and sleep.

Logical me knows that’s bullshit

It knows that I’m lying

That I should force myself to go out

That if I do, I’ll have a good time

But convincing the depression

Is a fight that’s hard to win

I win some battles, here and there

But it just leaves me exhausted,

With less energy than when I began

Just throwing it down the maw

Endlessly

When the spring comes

With its long days and warmth

Hopefully the void will shrink

It’s done so before in the past

And it helps me to think

That this is all temporary

And that the me-me will return

Shoving television at my face

Hoping to feel something

Anything

Is a poor substitute for emotions

And a poor substitute for living my life

I need to go out and do things

Telling my friends

“I can’t I’m just not me

Or I am, just not the me

That goes out and do things

Please be patient until I am capable of emotions again”

Is more likely to help you lose friends

Than make them understand

Especially when they’re proto-friends

And you can’t tell them all about that

Not yet

They’ll think you’re “crazy” and run away

Or mock you behind your back

And laugh

So you end up isolated

Which leaves even less to care about

An endless cycle

Self-reinforcing

Feeling into itself

Becoming larger

And growing

Until all that is left

Is

Nothing

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 500

Things are calm, for the moment.

Sometimes, there are no happy endings. At least, not for everyone involved. And it’s not even that the not happy one, loses, per se. Sometimes, they just don’t win. Not everyone can get a happy ending, but sometimes you get the happiest ending possible. Make the most people happy possible. Even the not winner, the not happy, knows this. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

Sometimes, you’ve got to grab onto those moments of happy, for all they are worth, and suck the marrow from the bones, because you are never promised happiness, and how can you be sure that you’ll be back this way again? Grab the experience, ride it like a bull, get all you can out of it, and make sure that you’ll be so satisfied with the memories that you’ll smile later, even if you end up the not winner. Never let yourself wonder “what if?” and live so that you’ll always know because you tried everything you ever wondered about, just live in and for the moment.

But if you’re the not winner, the not happy, is that really so smart? You’ll think back to the happy, and smile with fondness, but then you’ll miss it horribly, and be sad that it’s no longer yours, even if it’s for the best, and your heart will ache. You will want to tear your hair, and bang on the walls, and wail about how it isn’t fair, goddamnit, everyone should win, and it’s not even your fault and you did the best that you could. Yet you are held by the whims of people who are not you, and laws of the universe, and the same memories that once brought you such comfort, now just remind you of how much you not won, and how you are the not happy.

Yet when you stop to think, you realize that rationally this is how it should be. You did not want to be in the winner’s situation, not really, nor was there ever really a shot at you standing in the winner’s circle in the end. You wanted a victory that was not possible, given the constraints of the situation, and the very situation itself. You’re just upset because there’s chance, and your ego has been bruised. Given the constraints, you would have chosen the exact same outcome yourself. You just wish that you had been clever enough, or special enough, to get around those constraints, to be faster, or smarter, or pretty enough to change the situation. It was silly, you knew it was silly, and yet you allowed yourself to believe, even if just for a second, that you were special enough and that your daydream might become reality, and in that moment you were damned and defeated. You knew this, but you buried that belief, made yourself believe it was a fiction, and that you never really believed it in the first place…

And then you got crushed.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Word count: 512

I believe in soulmates. However, I think I believe in them differently than most people do.

Most people think of soulmates in a romantic sense. You know, you meet your “soulmate”, and you get married and live with them the rest of your life, forever together, because you’re perfect for each other.

However, I don’t believe soulmates need to be romantic. Hell, I don’t think you need to be limited to even one soulmate!

To me, a soulmate is just a soul mate. A mate for your soul. A kindred spirit, but deeper.

A soulmate is someone who you meet, and there’s instantly a connection of sorts. You find yourself immediately comfortable in their presence, and can open up easily. You know you won’t feel judged, because that person just isn’t like that with you, and even if they can’t necessarily relate, they’ll still on a level understand.

For instance, my best friend in the entire universe, Kara, I honestly believe is one of my soul mates. I would never ever want to date her, and the idea of anything more than maybe occasionally kissing her freaks me the hell out, but still, I truly believe she is one of my soulmates. I can tell her anything, and she won’t judge (or, if she does, she keeps it to herself, as do I if I ever feel the need to judge her). She is always there for me, and I for her, yet if we spend some time apart, we are immediately comfortable again when we meet up again. I completely trust her with all my secrets and all my heart, and she trusts me too. We were meant to meet up, meant to be friends. I love her to pieces, but not in a romantic way, simply a platonic way.  She is my platonic soulmate.

I have other soulmates as well, and they take nothing from my Kara’s position, nor does she take anything from them. If they are truly your soulmate, they should be meant to be there, just like the others, and as such, one is unable to diminish the other’s importance. And if I were to add a new soulmate, it would not lessen the importance of any of my current soul mates.

If love is not a finite resource, then I believe that soulmates may not be either. Hypothetically, you could have an infinite amount of soulmates. Realistically, though, because you can’t force that kind of comfort, you likely will only have a few, just like while you could hypothetically have infinite lovers while being poly, realistically you’ll only have the time for a few.

What I like about this theory is that you don’t even have to be poly to believe it. I mean, everyone agrees that there are different kinds of love, so you can “love” your best friend and not have it be weird. And almost everyone will agree there are people you just feel such a deep and intense and instant connection with, and you don’t know why. Maybe, they’re secretly a soulmate.

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Word Count: 677

(Z or K. If you somehow are here, please don’t read this. I wrote this on an overnight trying to deal, and really would prefer you not)

(Also, of course readers, these notes aren’t counting towards the word count. I haven’t written a poem in ages, either. But I started talking about playing with fire,  and this came out. It's title is Playing with Fire, but I'm not counting that towards the word count, so that goes here, in my notes)

When one plays with fire

How much should one burn

Should I run from the flames

Or enjoy how they hurt

Because while I know that it’s smart

I just can’t seem to run away

Keep convincing myself I’m better

Keep telling myself I’ll be okay

Say I’ll keep enough distance

That I won’t get caught up this time

But then when your arms wrap around me

And get pulled back under by the tide

See, I know you’re not mine

And you’re never going to be

But it’s so easy to pretend

And boy you make it so easy for me

Say you don’t want to give me up

Even tell me that you love me

But then tell me you’ll propose to her

And that you’ll eventually be done with me

See, affection is no best by date

Especially not one so ill defined

“When we get more serious”

That’s so vague it seems a crime

But then when I get angry

And want to run away

You say something so sweet it aches

And of course I’ll always stay

It’s easier to give advice

Than listen to the same

Especially when it comes from me

What a hypocrite, my brain

So I dance gaily through the fire

Pretending I don’t feel the burns

At least not until later

Never letting you know how much it hurts

Do you really like me?

You never really said

And trying to read between your lines

Is messing with my head

But somehow asking you is beyond my reach

My brain keeps screaming “play it cool!”

But brain, at that rate, you’ll never know

And when it’s too late, you’ll feel a fool

Your anxiety attacks are paralyzing

Just ask and you’ll be free

But you fear you won’t get the answer you want

How old are you, three

No matter what it can’t get worse

You’re mostly fully done

It’s time to lay down your weapon

This battle can’t be won

You knew from before you told him

For you there was no happy end

You knew he couldn’t have you like you wanted

You knew change would be around the bend

He couldn’t be your first

And his love didn’t want to share

So you couldn’t be his second

With logic, it all seems fair

But it makes me feel unimportant

And like I’m putting her out

I mean, the nights I stay she stays with her parents

I’m sure for her it’s an ouch

And I know she doesn’t want to share you

I can tell from what she says

It’s only casual so she can compartmentalize

She told me with an edge

I’m friends her as well

Just not the same as you

Both of you want different things

I’m not sure what to do

Part of me wants to go on

Keep her to her word

Keep fooling around until it’s “serious”

See how long it takes to rock her world

But then I want to be kind

And do the right thing

Step aside so she can take her place

And be your “rightful” queen

Poly was supposed to fix all this

We all should get to share

If you keep everyone’s needs in mind

If you move along with care

But I suspect the evil one is to blame

She came and burnt it down

And now my friend is scared to lose you

If you “sleep around”

But I’m not the evil harpy

I do not want her place

I just want to be acknowledged

I just want a little space

I want you guys to be married

I want you to be happy

I don’t want to marry you

To want that I’d be batty

That’s not what I’m looking for

That need of mine is filled

I have two people I live with

With them my life I want to build

But I need to deal with reality

How it is, not how I’d like

So I must either play with fire

Or learn to take a hike

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Word Count: 512

It starts in my mouth.

You see, to stay awake, I have to drink a lot of soda. It’s fairly acidic. And because it’s an appetite suppressant, I don’t eat much to counteract it.

I end up with an acidic twang in the back of my throat, and I know I’m going to be in trouble.

My hands get cold, slowly, starting at my fingers and heads slowly down towards my palms. My feet also get cold, but rarely are my feet ever warm. It’s probably rarer for my feet to be warm. If possible, I take my shoes off and cross my legs so that my feet are under my thighs, just so that they stop being numb. It’s disappointing that I can be inside in a building and my feet will be numb.

Then I end up freezing. I’ll be wearing a heavy sweater and be almost shivering. If I’m lucky and able, I try to get up and walk a bit. Usually that is from the tired, and if I’m lucky, I wake up a bit. If I’m unlucky, I just feel miserable and cold and can’t wait until I lay down.

But then if I get up, I end up being too warm. The sweater starts to feel oppressive, and I start sweating. And then I start itching. Everywhere, so long as it is inconvenient to get to. My back, random parts of my arm…I doesn’t matter that I have a light shirt and my uniform shirt between the sweater and the shirt, my body doesn’t seem to care. Itch itch itch. And usually this is during a tour, so if I take off the sweater, anything I do with it is inconvenient. I often need both hands to unlock doors, so carrying it is out of the question, but typing it off around my waist tends to obstruct access to my pockets, where my walkie is, where the wand is, where the keys go when I am not actively unlocking the door…

My back starts hurting. It’s usually my upper back, but the part that hurts worst is that last vertebrae on my back right where it meets my neck. I don’t know why, but it all hits right there. I end up just wanting to lie down and cuddle people I care about and my lovely kitty. No amount of massaging can help, but then, it always goes away as soon as I lay down. However, it always appears right again as soon as I resume the position, if my body has not decided that I have relaxed enough via its arbitrary system of deciding if I’ve had enough rest to work a bit without punishment.

It’s always a rough trek. I’m always exhausted.

But then I get home, and while I lay down, I can’t quite ever get to sleep for more than a few hours until that night time, which, bacause ofa course, is likely around when I need to go back to work because overnights shifts seem to come in blocks. It’s miserable.

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Word Count: 1623

I never meant to fall for my best friend.

It all started out innocently enough. We started talking after a while apart, there was some light flirting.

“Nothing will ever happen. He lives a state away. And even if he didn’t…nah, he’s my ex’s ex, there would just be way too much weird there. Why not have a bit of harmless fun…”

We’d talk, on and off. He had a life, I had a life. We would talk when the mood struck, or we were both up at silly hours, or we just needed to say something so that it wouldn’t get caught up in our heads driving us insane.

Occasionally I’d send a partial nude. Or a full nude, even. Sometimes a girl needs an ego boost, and he had already seen my cam pics. I knew he thought I was hot, but from context, I knew that wasn’t all he wanted.

But then he ended up in the state. He brought my ex with him, who I had wanted to reconnect with but just didn’t know how. And all of a sudden, I saw that online babbling translated into real life fairly well. Or rather, we all got along in person really well, as if no time had passed since high school. Well, scratch that, things had changed since high school, but for the better. No longer did we fall into the pattern of “Be loud and annoying at him until he threatened to kill us and then run away laughing!” that we used to (although we did that a few times just because the exasperation response is sometimes just worth it). But we could talk about what was on our minds, without feeling self-conscious. I could tell stories without explaining all of the characters because they knew most of them from our time together.

I didn’t want them to go. I don’t have many friends around here, and now that I had reconnected with two, it seemed unfair that they live so far away.

I compensated by talking to them a bunch.

My friend fell into a funk, due to some life events that happened around then.  I tried to cheer him up. I tried getting him to open up. I tried distracting him with silly babble. I tried pumping him up with compliments. Nothing seemed to work, but he kept thanking me.

One of the better days, he caught me in a puzzle solving mood. You see, I take medicine for my ADD, and sometimes it makes the act of solving puzzles pure joy, even if the puzzle doesn’t need solving.

Somehow, the puzzle of he would fuck me if he had the chance, but didn’t want to date me came about. “Well, the solution to that problem would obviously depend upon the definition of the word casual. And relationship. The rule was built with one night stands in mind, so it would depend upon how boyfriend interprets the rule…”

Within the next day or two, I was invited down for a weekend. Not to fuck, or anything. “Honestly, no pressure. You seem like you’ve been stressed out yourself, and a weekend out of your apartment might do you good. And you helped me out a bunch when I was depressed. This is my way of thanking you!”

He did ask me some questions about what I was okay with. Like if cuddles were okay. And so on. I believe he even asked if making out was okay, because he had been told the rules a few times. “Eh, maybe? We’ll see…” I said, internally laughing and rolling my eyes. Yeah, sure, okay. I might make out with him a bit. But mainly because, come on now, making out is fucking fun, and I was a bit curious, but nah, nothing else.

But a funny thing happened. In a turn of events that usually precedes most of my bad decisions…I got curious. I wanted more. And it was very obvious that he wanted more too.

 So our weird arrangement was drafted. We would be friends who occasionally fucked, as long as I could get boyfriend to agree.

That’s a torrid story for another day. But eventually, I got my yes.

So there was some fucking. Some awesome fucking. Yay. But it wasn’t even so much that. I mean, that didn’t hurt matters any, but it wasn’t the fucking. It was how he always made sure to let me know that, regardless of what he wanted, I never had to do anything I didn’t want to, and that he wouldn’t judge me for it, in a way that made me believe him. How he seemed to just “get” my feminism babble, without really needing me to explain it or defend it to him. How he seemed to go out of the way to make sure I was comfortable and okay, and let me know I could always escape to his place if I needed it. How we would just have long rambling conversations until all hours of the night about everything, and nothing.

Dude also said he loved me, which through me for a major loop initially. You see, there are so many meanings to that phrase. Initially, I just ignored it, or deflected it. “Dude has gotten in too deep, you suspected this with the forehead kisses, you said you would bail if this ever happened, why aren’t you bailing yet?” my brain would scream at me. But he didn’t really do anything else, so I let it stay. Eventually, I assumed it was friendly, even if it wasn’t, and said “Right back at ya” or other such things. Then one day I said “Have a good night, love you!” when he went to bed, because he would sometimes say the same when I was going to bed.

He noticed that it was the first time I had said it. At least, not intoxicated, but when I’m intoxicated, I tell everyone I love them, so it doesn’t count and he knew it. “Don’t worry. Not going to get all weird about it!” he said, which made me feel awful about my initial reaction. Whatever. Friendly love is friendly love.

Until…I realized there was a bit more than friendly love. There was the beginning of a major crush going on there.

Fuck. That was the last thing I wanted. I had initially intended to bail if I caught the feelings, but I was in too deep. I was fucked. The friendship had grown too strong for me to just bounce.

And it seemed like he had a crush too. If I ever tried to leave, especially if there was a gap in my schedule that would allow me to hypothetically stay longer, he would beg me to stay, even sometimes grabbing me and claiming “Mine!” to stop me. And always trying to boost my ego whenever he could. Listening to my ramblings, not letting me apologize for them, and in fact, telling me he enjoyed them. “You know, you’re hot. But you’re also really really pretty…” Whenever he left, even if I was asleep (I know this because it woke me up just enough to register once or twice) he would make a point of kissing me on my forehead (which, just as a by the way, is adorable!). I let myself believe. Have hope. But no, I would never tell him. I was the easy uncomplicated one. This would make me complicated. No no no.

Girlfriend realized what was going on. Made me promise I would tell him if she dealt with some relationship stuff she had been avoiding, and I agreed, thinking I’d call her on her bluff.

She did what she had to, much quicker than I expected. Fuck.

My best friend forever, sister-from-another-mister, realized it too. Fuck.

So I told him. “This is a me problem, so you don’t really have to worry about solving it, but…I got a crush on you. I understand, you probably don’t feel the same, even if you do it’s more complicated than that, whatever, that’s fine. I just felt like you should know, and needed to get it off my chest. Well, hope this doesn’t fuck up our friendship! Let me know if you want me to go somewhere else now…”

Except for that I did it in a note, like a coward. When one has anxiety issues, one does the best with what one has.

The response was a hug, and “I love you. Our friendship is strong enough, nothing will change.”

Which in the grand scheme of things is…a bit anticlimactic I suppose? Especially because when my anxious brain gets bored it likes to rearrange the words in as many different possible meanings as possible. “He totally likes you!” “He doesn’t like you!” “He has no idea if he likes you!” “He hates you and is only being friendly because of the sex. That’s the terms of the friendship!” My brain is a bit of a dick, in case you haven’t realized. But it was better than a “things are awkward now, go away!” reaction, which I actually had about three of those planned out.

So here I sit. Trying to crush a crush while still maintaining a friendship. Besides a zest of lemon in an open wound once or twice, things have gone well. There’s a minor speedbump of how to respond to “I love you!” because it feels slightly weird in English. But that’s solved by saying it Al Bhed. Or Russian. Or any of the other languages I’ve learned the phrase in.

I suppose it bodes well that my biggest issue is a non-issue.

And that’s why almost all my posts recently have been private.

[awordadaykeepsthedoctoraway]

Wordcount: ?

The computer I’m on lacks the ability to wordcount. So..yeah.

Potential biphobia? Maybe?

When was the first time you questioned your sexuality?

I questioned my sexuality two or three times. Once was in seventh grade, once in eigth grade, and once in freshman year of high school.

What prompted it?

In seventh grade, I noticed that I kept finding myself staring at my best friend. And thinking she was cute. And always wanting to hang out with her. And getting jealous when she hung out with someone else. I had a thought of “Am I a lesbian?” but then I remembered i liked boys(I didn’t know bisexuality existed), and plus I didn’t want her to think badly of me, so I pushed it down as her just being my really good best friend.

When I was in eighth grade, two of my (girl) friends started dating each other. Again, I looked at my sexuality. But I again, I didn’t know about bisexuality at the time of finding out, and I noticed I still liked boys, so I was sure I was still straight.

In ninth grade though...by that point, I had heard about bisexuality. And when my crush on a different best friend came sweeping in, I was able to recognize it for what it was, and came to peace with being bisexual.

What were the defining moment(s) of your journey?

One of those moments was when I told the friend I mentioned above, who I had a crush on in 9th grade, that I liked her. And we kissed, and it was the first time I had kissed a girl, and I knew I liked it. It was at that point I truly began to accept that this whole “bisexual” label might really fit. 

I remember when I started coming out to people, instead of just keeping it in my head. It started in ninth grade, and then continued as I moved to another school in 10th grade.

Another defining moment was when I was in sophomore year, and I got my first girlfriend. At first I was nervous about dating her, because I had never dated a girl before, and I wasn’t super sure if she was asking me out at first. But we started dating, and had great fun. Although things endless...less than stellarly with her, we’re still on friendly enough terms, and I actually hung out with her for the first time in years recently.

Did you have any support from someone?

My friends were largely supportive of the community, or in the community itself, so I’ve always had people to talk to, and give me hugs when things got sad.

What advice would you give to someone who is wondering that they might be bi and is worried/unsure what to do?

I would urge them to not rush their decision. Take whatever time you need to come to terms with whatever your sexuality is, and don’t be afraid to change that label if you need to. 

If you like girls and you like dudes, you may be bisexual, if you like that label. You don’t have to like them equally. Hell, you don’t even have to like both guys and girls., you can like girls and nonbinary people, or guys and girls and nonbinary people, or agender people or...the list goes on. The bisexual community labels being bisexual as “attraction to two or more genders”, doesn’t say anything about equally. Hell, I have healthy swings of liking almost exclusively girls and liking almost exclusively guys at times. 

The bisexual community is usually a loving and accepting community, as long as you aren’t a jerk. <3

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Word Count: 508

I’m not really involved in any sites that directly deal with nonmonogamy, or any real particular blogs. However, there is a lot of stuff about nonmonogamy on Tumblr, which I really appreciate. I don’t really have to even go around looking for a blog that related to any of it, it will just show up on my dash and make me happy. I’ll be scrolling through and it will be like, “Puppies…puppies…porn…..feminist rant....kittens…awesome art….yes! Monogamy isn’t the only way of being faithful! Fuck yeah! ...kittens…comic…video games…” It’s a nice mixture, so that I don’t get overwhelmed with anything at any one time. And I have Tumblr friends who will talk about their lives, and for some of them, that involves the fact that they’re with other people, and they’ll just discuss it matter of factly, like it’s no big deal, which I really enjoy. “So while I was talking on the phone with my girlfriend my wife came over and asked me to remind her they were supposed to go out shopping later today.” Stuff like that. It’s just so nice to see it treated like not a big deal for me. Every news article I’ve seen has been prone to sensationalism, and every informational post has been sterilized and cleaned so that it’s accessible and understandable to everyone, but for me, it makes it seem less “real” to me. But seeing there are people who, just like me, it’s not really a defining characteristic, just something that’s a part of their everyday lives…it makes me happy. It’s similar to when I see portrayals of girls being with girls, and it’s just part of their day-to-day life, not OH MY GOD LOOK IT’S A GIRL WITH A GIRL HOW HOT HOW SEXY OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO HELL DISCRIMINATION!! I mean, yeah, there’s discrimination, but I also like to hear about the happy moments, the quiet moments, and the moments where you’re trying to figure out who is going to the grocery store because you need food but someone has to stay home to sign for the package… just living life. And I’ve found that on Tumblr more than any other place I’ve been to. It’s just normal, no more sensationalized than puppies and kittens and feminist rants and porn (which, in case you’ve somehow arrived at this blog without having seen much of Tumblr, there is a LOT of those things). It’s like regular life. It’s my same thing about representation. I like to see things that reflect how things fit together in my life. And while loving and being with multiple people is awesome, and important, it’s not really a focal point in my life. It’s not something I feel like people need to know about me right off the bat to understand me as a person, you know? It’s not something I’m ashamed of, but it’s more important to figure out how we all interrelate while trying to get through the day to day. I’m doing a bad job of explaining myself, I’m afraid.

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Word Count: 521

11. What’s the stupidest argument or comment you’ve heard about non-monogamy?

I’ve heard a few really obnoxious things about nonmonogamy when people have found out about it.

Like I remember I once told a coworker about it, and he was like, “Damn, I wish I could get my girlfriend to go along with it. Why are you letting your boyfriend go out and bang other chicks while you’re stuck at home alone?” Seriously. He thought it was all about sex. And he just assumed that it was me ”letting” my boyfriend go off, without any thought that maybe I was also going out and getting with people. Like I couldn’t be interested in wanting to me with more than one person, it must just be me letting my boyfriend “hoop up” with whoever he wanted at the club or whatever this coworker had up in his head. I made a note to never tell him anything personal, and I quit a month later so that I didn’t need to deal with him.

I thought I lost a friend for a while, because she “didn’t agree with” the “lifestyle” I had chosen, and I mentioned girlfriend a few too many times for her to comfortably forget that girlfriend existed. She blocked me from seeing her online on Facebook and just straight up refused to talk to me when I did message her. Very emotional, very upsetting. We ended up reconciling, with me trying not to mention things too much, and her accepting that it made me happy. She’s actually kind of dating a poly person at the moment, which I find rather interesting. She seems to be a lot more accepting, and even asks how things are with girlfriend, so she’s been coming around a lot.

I’ve also had someone ask “But isn’t the fun of being with other people the thrill about going behind someone’s back?” I was lacking words to describe how wrong that is. I wouldn’t know about the thrill of “going behind someone’s back” because I haven’t done that. But I imagine the glow of being open and honest and just surrounded by awesome people who you can be completely honest with, and connect with on such a deep level, is more awesome than any kind of “thrill” gotten by being dishonest and sneaky. I mean, yes, sometimes it’s fun to “be bad” by skipping a class or something like that, but by doing something that could severely emotionally hurt someone that you purport to love? That doesn’t sound like much fun. And if it’s because you really like someone, wouldn’t it be better if you could be open about that attraction and not have to hide it, and instead just enjoy yourself? I just don’t get it.

I had another person ask me if it was because I’m bi. Yes the whole “bi people can’t be monogamous” stereotype. Or the “bi people need to be with both a girl and a boy to feel satisfied” stereotype. Ugh. So sick of hearing variations on that theme.

Those are the ones that stick out the most, although I’m sure there are other ones that I’m just not remembering right now.