cb

"It's my experience that people are a lot more sympathetic if they can see you hurting, and for the millionth time in my life I wish for measles or smallpox or some other easily understood disease just to make it easier on me and also on them." - Jennifer Niven, All the Bright Places

[awriterscove]

it’s been 3 years since i’ve wrote anything on here, and so much has happened.

a lot of ups and downs but the biggest change of all, i have brought two babies into the world. my life is so different now. i am still exhausted, and now i know the real meaning of the phrase “run off my feet” because i never stop and when i do, my brain certainly doesn’t.

first born, a beautiful tiny boy. he turned my world upside down and gave me a purpose i never thought i’d know. i have woken up every day to his smile and knew that no matter what life would throw at me as long as i got to see that smile everyday i would be ok.

my second, my sweet baby girl. i don’t know how we ever did life without her. i was terrified of how she would fit into the family life we’d built. how our boy would adapt to no longer being an only child and having to share mummy and daddy. but he did better than i could’ve ever imagined and she is the light in our world we all needed.

i am a mum and i adore it. i sometimes feel like i’ve lost the parts of me that made me ‘me’. but mummy to these two babies is the greatest thing i’ll ever be.

[awriterscove]

i know you had trouble with loving yourself

i wish i could’ve helped more with that

i guess i let the hurt of constantly feeling

replaced

actually replace the person i could’ve been for you

cb // excerpt from a poem i wrote

[awriterscove]

Growing up

part of growing up

is growing apart from those who once

meant the world to you

growing up requires a detachment

from those who hurt you

from the people who you once believed

you would share your life with

the good times and the bad

but growing up

shows you those who matter

and the ones who stay by your side

through the bad

are the ones who will see you through it

[awriterscove]

it’s easy to forget what you have when you’re in the midst of going through hell. take a moment to embrace those around you. the beauty in your everyday life. open your window and let the fresh air breathe life into you.

you’re stronger than you know.

[awriterscove]

it’s been a while since i’ve wrote anything on this blog and i only write here for myself as a way of letting out all these feelings burning me within.

things had been ok. i’ve been taking my meds and i’ve been breathing deeply at the times when my chest has felt like it’s been crushed. i have been doing what i’m supposed to and yet i’m back at the place i was 3 and a half years ago. breaking the body that’s ecampassing this already broken soul. the only thing keeping me together and telling the world i’m ok is the skin i hadn’t hurt in over a year. now i’m back to wearing long sleeves and dabbing makeup onto the scars that are taking too long to fade. i’m smiling to my family and the friends that i still have left and honestly, that in itself is sucking what energy i have left out of me.

[awriterscove]

[awriterscove]

sometimes (almost all the time) I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

[awriterscove]

painting

i don’t know why  i inflict physical wounds upon myself i only end up ashamed and embarassed and wishing i was somebody else

i wear long t shirts when everyone else enjoys the sun it’s safer to avoid any difficult questions and will prevent hurting anyone

it has never been easy  but i think i have mastered painting my face and being ok with the person  everyone eventually decides to replace

so i smile and say yes i’m fine - i’m just tired but when my face cracks and my facade falters it is my lies that are suddenly transpired

be gentle when you hold me i’m sorry that it has to be this way i know i’m a hurricane but please hold on - please stay 

- c.b // awriterscove

[awriterscove]

Finding music that really connects with your soul is so beautiful. I am sat in my bedroom listening to a song that I have listened to repeatedly and everytime it has resonated somewhere deep within my chest and both stings and soothes my soul. I am fractured and bruised but with every lyric that I am able to hear in my heart, I become just that little less broken. 

I have found refuge in beautiful lyrics and calming melodies. I don’t know where I’d be without music. 

[awriterscove]

Honestly feel like I'm doing something wrong all the time recently. My head hurts from all the conflict going on inside it. Arguing with people never sits right with me, I don't do well with people being mad at me or disliking me, even if it's temporarily. I don't know how to put into words how I feel properly right now, but to shorten it down.. I feel like shit. Again.

[awriterscove]

I'll lie a little bit and tell you I'm ok. I'll smile when you touch my cheek and ask me if I've had a good day. No amount of pain should be able to mask the love I feel for you; but right now, that is exactly what's happening. I'm tired. Tired of telling you I'm ok when really I am not. It is not your fault, only mine. I don't trust myself not to break down in your arms if you try to run to me and hold me. I don't want you to tell me everything is alright and things will get "better", because you don't know what I need for that to happen.. Like the feelings of normality and being able to function that pills give me, but without the pills. And to be able to hold onto positive feelings and love without letting them slip from my shaky fingers because I'm so afraid. I just want today to be a good day and not a day I have to battle to just get through.

[awriterscove]

If you asked me tomorrow if I was ok, I could very well smile at you and tell you I am. What’s more, I could actually mean it. But if you ask me now, that smile won’t reach my eyes; my eyes may glistening and look dazed and my words will sound like choked out whispers. This is the problem with me. I can seemingly be and feel fine one moment and the next feel like my world has come crashing down on top of my already broken back. I can not bare the weight of any more pain and yet I welcome it in, entice it until it embraces me and envelopes me until I am covered every inch by it.

I want to be ok, but my brain keeps telling me that I can not possibly be anything other than a burden and every time that thought finds its way back to me, so does the questioning of whether I really should be here at all.