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Can you do a part 2 of cod men vs period pain simulator? It's just a few days after they were put through the simulator then suddenly their partner told them it's that time of the month again, how do they treat their partner now? Especially the ones who probably didn't thought of it much or didn't really care
(This is my first time ever requesting something and actually using the inbox, it took a lot of courage for me to send this, but I felt comfortable enough with you to request something. I really love your writing, I don't know if you'll do this, it's fine if you don't since you're probably busy with life and other requests. I hope you're doing well, stay safe and healthy)
(I'm sorry if this is too long, I got really nervous, and I apologize if I didn't follow the rules correctly, offended you in anyway, or any words I used wrong 🙏)
lol dw you did nothing wrong; i dont bite..hard
thanks for being so considerate and patient ik my posting schedule sucksss bc it's nonexistent by now but here it is!! apologies for any typos!
part 1 here
𓆩♡𓆪 Headcanon: How They Care For You While You're On Your Period
Sweets to the Sweet. Edmund Blair Leighton (English, 1852-1922).
If his sanity was barely hanging on by a thread when he used the period simulator for a mere 10 minutes he cannot bear to imagine the intolerable amount of pain that must be coursing through your body right this instant and is very surprised at how well you're holding up (holy run-on sentence)
Won't ever comment or even lightly joke about your snappy attitude, his mere presence perhaps is too annoying right?
He knew women had it hard, but he wasn't aware to the full extent of all the miniscule things that made the week of your cycle feel like a battlefield, or even worse he'd argue
Has much more than just sympathy for you, his understanding of your pain goes deeper and that blooms into empathy and that goes even further and turns into compassion; he shows this by bringing you snacks on his way home, even flowers seem like a nice gesture as they decorate your dim vision with colors
He knows this is not enough, during this time you tend to seek comfort in simple but thoughtful gestures, knowing he is the man filled to the brim with warmth just for you, he decides to also take a break with you and tend to you but most importantly; remain by your side
Ghost
Doesn't want to admit it out loud but he was greatly humbled by the period simulator, remembering how much the pain resembled that of hell he is more than ready to gentle when you tell him you're on your period
Before he wouldn't really do anything extra for you, perhaps you would ask for him to pick something up from the store and he'd go only for him to get the wrong thing or forget something from your list, he'd never understand why you would be upset at him over it, now he knows just how much something that 'small' can mean to someone who is experiencing the most uncomfortable yet slowest and agonizing pain
He thinks a lot more on how you feel; ruminating over every habit of his that could potentially inconvenience you, he washes the dishes he just used, picks up the laundry and without a second thought changes the bedsheets if you stain them
And perhaps the most important to you; he listens to you, nodding along as you rant to him and even offering you to rub your back if that helps alleviate some pain, you gladly accept his offer
Soap
I wanna be funny and say he turns into one of those guys who starts crying and gets super sad if they find out someone is on their period, "nooo periods MUST end" "eat this knuckle sandwich period cramps!"
"..." as you roll your eyes and are so ready to take a painkiller and put some white noise to doze off to
Albeit annoying as he constantly ask what you need, what he can do, and leaving food/snacks on your nightstand constantly he does get all the household chores done when you told him to (you figured he would be busy with what for some time and would leave you alone)
He tried cooking you something only for it turn out inedible, but the thought of him slaving over a stove stressing out makes you see it as a cute gesture, he stuck with making simple teas so at least he didn't mess that up lol
Turned the tv on for you, you were halfway through a cheesy romcom movie you were watching for the shiggles when you turned only to find him standing in the doorway completely absorbed in the plot, actually cried a lot at the "sad" breakup scene considering he wasn't the one with messy hormones
Gaz
Even before the whole period simulator thing he made sure you were stocked up on pads, tampons or whatever else you used for when that time of the month came, he thought you had it pretty good, a bit of mild uncomfortableness for a week of rest, right?
Well that period simulator sure enlightened him, he found out that it wasn't just blood dripping down there, it was a plethora of symptoms and feelings that came with it, he knew cramps were bad but not THAT bad, somehow feels guilty as if he were the cause of your pain
Like promised he does buy extra of your fav foods that can be easily made if he's not around, and when he is home he makes a bigger effort to ensure that the meals he makes for you are to your liking and won't disturb your stomach
Will immediately drop anything he's doing if he so much feels you tug at his shirt to cuddle, now he is a lot more sensitive to what you're feeling and understands that sometimes the best comfort he can provide is his warmth embrace
Roach
From last time he learned that sometimes eating can be a real chore when you're experiencing horrible cramps or headaches because of your period, sometimes the only thing you want to do is lie down, so he decides to invest in getting you comfortable and soft blankets, pajamas or any loungewear
He'll surrender his clothes a lot more often now if you really want, even buys those plushies that you can put in a microwave and they'll be super soft and cuddly and warm that you just melt into them, comes home with at least five of those btw
He canNOT cook an elaborate meal that you're craving, and he gets nervous when you were desperately wanting a snack only for the store to have it out of stock and he comes home with an alternative instead not knowing if you'll just ignore him or decide to bury him six feet under
Alejandro
He was very bad with the period simulator, to the point it's embarrassing for him to talk about it, but he is a lot more alert to whenever you're irritated or get in a bad mood because of the strong cramps and heavy blood flow for the first couple of days of your period
Any minor show of discomfort and he's more than willing to drive you home if you're out, even if he's not there beside you, you might just be texting him to complain about how bad your period cramps are and how you can't wait to get home and just crash into bed
Don't be surprised if you check his location to find out he's 10 minutes away already with a bouquet of flowers + your fav takeout place ready to come rescue you, and don't even try to make excuses about how you need to stay at work or finish running errands, he WILL do anything he can to ensure you don't worry about anything other than taking care of yourself right now
Rudy
You casually mention you just got your period as you leave the bathroom and enter the living room to sit next to Rudy again, you feel him tense from his spot on the couch and you look up from your phone to see him already hurrying to get up
"Where are you going?" and he explains how he's going to make sure you're stocked up on pads/tampons, make sure the laundry is done and your blankets are clean so he can start setting up your resting area
You're confused until guilt floods you as you remember how a week ago you had made him do the period simulator and he barely was able to handle it, you had done it for fun but looks like he was still recovering from that
Still, you let him pamper you extra this time and assure him he's doing great when he awkwardly stands not knowing whether he's doing things right or not, but every time he remembers how he failed the period simulator he knows it's 10x worse for you because you can't just turn the pain off, this is the real thing not a simulator and he feels as if he can't do much to make up for that :(
Phillip Graves
No longer laughs when an acquaintance complains about their wives' period pain but instead just hardens his jaw as he thinks what a bastard they are for not understanding how difficult of a time this can be for those with periods
Thinks about what gift to get you when your next period comes along, since he knows how your mood can be really down in the dumps, all those headaches, bloating, aches, and low energy you display are no joke and he only got to experience the cramps now imagine all that combined...
Doesn't complain about how tired he is or brush you off if you're having trouble sleeping and want to stay up watching or reading something, will try to stay up with you before eventually nodding off as you try waking him up because you want him to be present until you fall asleep
Barely raises a brow if you curse every five minutes because you stained your fave pair of shorts or get cramps, Lord knows how much he was cursing when he used the period simulator..
Makarov
May not express any words of comfort but man knows not to ask stupid questions and get you everything without you needing to ask him, decides to add a reminder to his phone whenever your cycle is about to start so he can have everything prepared
Whatever you want he will try to get you, if you want to go out and eat out he won't hesitate to take you but if you don't feel like eating out he'll order you food and will hire someone to take over the kitchen for you if you don't have the energy to cook due to fatigue
Doesn't tease or make remarks as before and decides to keep quiet whenever he notices you haven't been resting well due to body aches or constantly getting up to change your pad, he may not be good at verbally expressing these things but has the resources to make this time of the month a little easier for you
Keegan
Is a lot more patient but doesn't want you to remind him how snappy he got when he used the period simulator, you've never been so cranky considering you're dealing with the real thing but he doesn't like that you're laughing about it now
Now he makes sure to make it is priority to get anything you ask him to buy at the store, he used to be pretty forgetful but damn if that simulator taught him anything is that cramps are nothing to be joking about, he'll even order light meals to make it easier on your upset stomach
You've used up all your stretchy and comfortable pajamas but he stays on top of washing them to make sure you can wear fresh ones each time you step out of the bath, stocks up the pantry so you can freely raid it every night if you feel like it, he only makes sure to pick up the empty containers of cookies or half-eaten bags of chips the next morning
König
If you're raving about something he's learned to shut up and not open his mouth to offer any input unless he wants to be scrubbing floors for a week straight, does it either way because you can barely bend or move as your body aches, but at least he's gotten a laugh out of you when you walk by and see his big frame on his knees desperately trying but failing to get a stain off of the floor
If you mention in passing how you're bleeding more than usual or feel dizzy he won't hesitate to immediately ask if you need to go to the doctor, or wait maybe even to the ER?!
He's certain that if it were men who experienced period pain there would have been a permanent cure or a lot more support provided by now, tbh you think he's more dramatic than you've ever been because of the period simulator
Horangi
He used to drag you to the gym even when you were on your period just for you to accompany him, but after trying the period simulator he doesn't force you anymore, matter of fact you can stay home as much as you want and he won't bother you about it, you feel icky and just super low on energy to the point you can't get things done
He's learned to be more communicative and learn what you need help with so he can at least try and be supportive, he's surprisingly efficient and it takes a huge load off your shoulders
Remembers the pain he felt when using the period simulator and learns to help with mood changes if you're having severe cramps, doesn't force anything and holds back on his impulsiveness for your sake
Will never underestimate how much pain you can take to the point he's lowkey a little scared of your strength when he was falling apart whenever he remembers the stomach cramps..
Nikto
Did not easily forget the terrible experience of going through the dreaded period simulator, he remembers how helpless he felt even as he was twisting in pain as you made him experience level 10 of cramps, and he only shudders thinking how your body handles that on a monthly basis
Watches and observes you whenever you mention you're on your period, a few times now you've noticed him looking over at you every time you walk out of the bathroom after changing your pad/tampon, is he looking for signs of distress?... either way he's not risking asking you to do stuff for him
Gives you lotssss of space since you honestly don't feel like cuddling and especially not when you've already take painkillers and don't feel them helping at all
Although you do get chills when on your period so you might allow him to sleep next to you at night for extra warmth
John "Soap" MacTavish
You're bouncing with excitement, dragging Soap toward Space Mountain. He's not listening. He's sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "D'you smell that?" "That's sunscreen, Soap." "No. It's glory. It's grease. It's roasted poultry!" He practically vaults a stroller. You blink and he's bartering with a vendor, two turkey legs in hand like sacred artifacts. "Babe," you sigh, "we haven't done a single ride-" "This is the ride.” He feeds you a greasy bite with glitter in his hair and juice running down his chin. "Mmm. Freedom." You give up and sit on a bench with him, turkey juice on your lap and love in your heart.
Simon Ghost" Riley
You had an itinerary. A neatly color-coded one. Ghost had nodded solemnly when you went over it this morning. You were two feet into the park when he locked onto the first food cart like a predator. "They've got sit," he mutters. "What?" "The turkey leg. The massive one." "You promised fireworks!" The leg, sweetheart." And then he disappears. You find him later in a corner like a cryptid, mask slightly lifted, tearing into the leg with surgical precision. You sit beside him, defeated. He offers you a bite without looking. You take it. It's really, really good. Damn it.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
Gaz swore he'd do every ride with you. But then he saw someone walk by with a turkey leg the size of a toddler. "Wait. Hold on What is that." He runs over like he's reporting on the scene. "Look at this beast!" 'Gaz, we have Lightning Lane!" "We have priorities!" He holds it like a sacred relic. Grease stains his chin. You sit on a bench as he devours it, eyes closed in reverence. "I came for Disney," he moans, "but this is biblical." "You're the biblical one." "Worth it." He tries to offer you a bite, but it's just bone now.
John Price
Price acts like he's enjoying himself. Takes your photos, holds your bag, nods at Mickey. But you catch the way his eyes dart to every food stand. "You alright?" you ask. "Mmhm. Just... recon." Then, with the seriousness of a man who's seen war, he turns to you: "I need one." "Need what?" "The leg." He returns ten minutes later with two. He hands you one like it's a proposal. This," he says, biting in, "is peace." You sit on a flower-dusted bench beside your bloodthirsty fiancé as he growls, "Better than Thanksgiving." You're never beating this memory.
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
Roach is vibrating. Literally vibrating. The turkey leg is almost as tall as his torso, and he's skipping toward you like a proud gremlin. "I GOT IT," he signs frantically You 're covered in Mickey stickers and foam swords. "Roach. We're late for the parade." He's already gnawing. He drags you to a corner under Cinderella's Castle and gives you a greasy grin. The fireworks start. He doesn't flinch-he's too busy using his turkey leg like a pointer to describe the shapes. You roll your eyes, but you lean into him. The smell of barbecue and joy lingers into the night.
Nikolai
He's the only person who makes turkey legs look classy. Dressed in a floral shirt, sunglasses on, Nikolai strolls through- Disney like he owns the park. You point excitedly to Dumbo. "One ride," he murmurs. "But first... meat." You blink and he's already traded three pins, a map, and probably a favor for the juiciest turkey leg in sight. "How did you-" "I know people." He picks at it delicately, almost elegantly. You want bite?" You do. It's glorious. "Now ride?" "Now nap," he says, stretched out on the bench with the leg like it's a luxury cigar.
Alejandro Vargas
Alejandro keeps up the enthusiasm until a smell hits him like a freight train. He stops mid-sentence. "What is that divine scent?" "Probably turkey leg-" "WHERE. You don't even get to blink. He's halfway across the plaza, charming a vendor with his dimples and military swagger. "For mi amor, and for me." He returns triumphant, two turkey legs held aloft like twin sabers. He does not share. You glare. "You said it was for me!" "I lied. But look at it." You have to bribe a bite off him with a kiss. Worth it. Mostly.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
Rudy was excited for all the cute couple photos... until he smelled smoke. Grilled smoke. "Cariño," he says softly, gripping your hand. "I think I smell heaven." "That's probably popcorn." "No. That is turkey." You sigh. Moments later, he returns with a turkey leg wrapped in napkins, reverently balanced in both hands like a child. "It's hot," he warns. You sit on a curb together and share it bite by bite. "Best date ever," he sighs. You smirk. "We haven't done anything else." "Exactly." He wipes grease from your cheek like it's an act of love. Honestly... it kind of is.
Valeria Garza
Valeria wasn't even going to come to Disney. "Too crowded," she muttered. "Too loud." But one whiff of sizzling turkey and she transformed. "I want that." You try to stop her, but she's already intimidating a poor vendor into handing over the juiciest leg. She tears into it like a queen in warpaint, bloodthirsty and regal. "Want a bite?" she asks sweetly, waving it in front of you. "Say please." "Valeria, you have grease on your crown." "Battle trophy." You laugh, despite yourself. You'll get your ride eventually... once the turkey is gone and her bloodlust is satisfied.
Keegan Russ
You're showing Keegan the map, pointing out rides, parades, character meets-he's quiet. Focused. Then he sees it: someone walks by with a massive turkey leg. His voice is low. "I need that." "Keegan, the Haunted Mansion-" "That." He disappears like a shadow, reappearing with a glint in his eye and an entire smoked bird in his hand. " This is the real haunted attraction,” he mutters, eyes full of reverence. You sulk on a bench. He eats like a predator, methodical and silent. Then he hands you a piece without looking. You take it. You understand now. You forgive him. Sort of.
König
Poor König thought he could handle Disney crowds. He really did. But two hours in, he's flushed, overwhelmed, and trailing behind you like a lost child. Then he spots it. The leg. The one beacon of comfort in a world of overstimulation. "Can I—?" he asks softly. You nod. Five minutes later, he's perched under a shaded awning, holding a turkey leg like it's his emotional support animal. "This helps," he says between bites. You abandon your ride schedule and sit beside him, quietly watching ducks. You wrap your arm around his. It's not Space Mountain. But it's peace.
Nikto
He didn't want to come. Called Disney "loud capitalist fantasy." You insisted. He relented. But now... he's sniffing the air. "It's smoky," he mutters. "Carnivorous." "That's the BBQ cart, babe." "I must study it." Ten minutes later, he's returned with the biggest turkey leg in the park and a cup of soda bigger than his head. "Behold. Victory." He eats it silently, unnervingly, while children stare. You're not sure if he's enjoying it or plotting something. Then he offers you a bite, wordlessly. You take it. It's good. suppose," he says, "this kingdom has value. He licks his fingers like a villain."
Krueger
You're not even sure how he vanished. One minute you're pointing out the castle, the next-gone. You find him later at a food stand, chewing slowly on a turkey leg, sunglasses on, unbothered. "You ditched me." "You were distracted by singing rodents." "That's the entire point of this place." "This is the point," he says, holding up the turkey leg like an offering You give up. You sit beside him while he picks the meat apart like a field surgeon. Romantic," you mutter. "Don't talk with your mouth full," he replies, biting in. You grin. Fine. Turkey it is..
Philip Graves
Graves is in a floral shirt and aviators, talking a big game. "We're gonna hit every roller coaster. Eat our weight in churros. You and me, sweetheart-this day is ours Then he sees the turkey leg. "...Forget everything I just said." He runs. You chase after him, laughing, as he cuts off a line of dads and wheelchairs to secure the prize. He bites into it like he's in an action movie. "Now this," he says through mouthfuls," this is the American dream." You grab his hand and smear grease on his knuckles. He doesn't even flinch. He just grins wider.
Farah Karim
She wanted to experience everything. She had her list ready: parades, fireworks, churros, Small World. But the second she saw someone walk by with a hunk of roasted meat-plans changed. "We'll do it after," she swore. That "after" never came. She sat on a bench with the leg in both hands like it was a gift from God. "Look at this thing. Look at it!" She bit in like it owed her money. "Farah, we have a time slot for the Star Wars ride-" "I'm busy with turkey diplomacy." You sit beside her. She 's glowing. You give in. This is the ride.
Hadir Karim
Hadir had stars in his eyes. You were- halfway to the Dumbo ride when he froze. Do you smell that?" You didn't even have time to answer before he was sprinting! You caught up just in time to see him cradling a turkey leg like it was his newborn child. "They give this to civilians? This power?" He's already devouring it. "I can see the future." "What does it look like?" "It tastes like this." You had other plans, but watching him tear through smoked meat with cartoon music in the background is better than anything you imagined.
Alex Keller
Alex's grin widens the moment he sees the leg. "You think they'll let me get two?" "You haven't even had one yet." "I'm planning ahead." He buys two. Double-fisting turkey like some medieval prince, he offers you a bite but it's messy and your dignity says no. Until he gives you that look. You lean in. He grins, smears grease on your nose. "You're adorable." "You're disgusting." He doesn't deny it. He's got barbecue sauce on his neck and no regrets. The castle sparkles in the distance. The only thing he remembers about today will be the turkey. And you.
Kate Laswell
Kate pretends she's here for the memories For you. For the whimsy. She even posed with Goofy. But the second she saw a teenager bite into a massive turkey leg, she whispered, "Oh, hell yeah." You tried to stop her. You failed. She returned triumphant, sunglasses lowered, chomping into a leg like it owed her money. "You should try this," she says. "I've got standards," you mumble. But when she offers you a bite? You fold. It's glorious. See?" she says, licking her fingers. "Magic kingdom, my ass. This is magic." She's got sauce on her sleeve and zero shame.
Vladimir Makarov
You begged him to come. "One day. Just one day without crime." He agreed, suspiciously fast. You should've known. Half an hour in he's already stolen a turkey leg. "It's not theft," he says, smug. "It's tactical acquisition." "You cut the line." "Time is money." He eats it like he's reliving ancient glory. "You are going to be banned from Disney." "Good. It is weak. This, though?" He waves the meat like a sword. "This is strong. You sigh and let him rant about imperialism while he devours the whole thing. The kids around you cheer. You're not sure if he's the villain... or the turkey leg king.
John "Soap" MacTavish
You left Soap alone with your tiny teacup poodle for one afternoon. One. You came home to see the dog sit on command, stay with unblinking discipline, and-most horrifying of all-clear a room like it's done breach-and-clear drills since birth. "What did you do?" you ask. "Taught her the basics, Soap says proudly, whistling.The dog heel-turns like a military cadet. You blink as she rolls, salutes, and even has a mini vest labeled "Mini MacTavish." She now only eats when commanded and sleeps in a formation. She also growls when people touch you. "She's not just a poodle anymore," Soap says smugly. "She's family."
Simon "Ghost" Riley
You used to carry your grumpy Devon Rex around like a spoiled heir. But ever since Ghost started staying over, your cat started watching. Silently. Then one day, you woke up and your cat opened a door. Later, it hissed at a stranger three seconds before Ghost did. When you joked about it, Ghost just nodded. "He's smart. Learns quick." You weren't prepared to walk in on them having a silent staring contest. "He only meows once if someone's approaching. Two if it's danger You choke. "Ghost, he's a cat." Ghost just shrugs and drops a tiny skull patch onto your cat's collar.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
Your hamster used to live in a pink plastic castle. Now he's got a cardboard obstacle Course that would make special forces weep. "He needs enrichment," Gaz says as the hamster zip-lines from one platform to another. You stare at the chalkboard Gaz is using to chart "improvement metrics" "Did you time his wheel laps?"" We're working on endurance." You swear your hamster now answers to sergeant squeak. Worse, he seems to recognize handisignals. You find tiny camo duct tape on his water bottle. "I think you created a menace," you mutter. "No," Gaz grins. "I created a legend."
John Price
Your rescue parrot used to scream profanity at everything. Now? It says, "All clear," and "Hold formation." "Price, what did you do to my parrot?" you ask. "She's got potential," he answers casually. "Did some drills." "She's a bird." "A very capable one." The parrot now salutes with a wing. You once walked into your living foom and it shouted, "Hostile spotted!" before dive-bombing your friend with pinpoint accuracy. Price gave her a tiny beret. I didn't train her," he insists. "She picked it up naturally," "You also say that about soap carving," you deadpan. "And I stand by it."
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
Your sugar glider used to be shy and constantly lost under the couch. Now? It's scaling the curtains, launching off Roach's shoulder like a living drone, and dropping Skittles into Roach's open mouth with uncanny accuracy. "Are you training my sugar glider to be your snack assistant?" you demand. Roach grins under his mask. He gestures and the glider retrieves a USB drive. She has a pouch. Useful for intel" You stare. "She sleeps in your hood." "She's my recon buddy now." The sugar glider chirps proudly, then glides across the room with a mission-critical granola bar. You've lost control of your household.
Nikolai
Your cat used to be feral and offended by furniture. Since Nikolai showed up, she's become.... an assassin. She wears a custom harness. Sleeps beside ammo boxes. She waits by the door like she's guarding the perimeter. "She has good instincts," Nikolai says, feeding her jerky. "I think she's ex-KGB in another life." You protest. "She used to fall off the bed." Nikolai Shrugs: "Now she knocks over only suspicious mugs." She also hates everyone but you and him. And you swear she knows how to pick locks. "Did you teach my cat espionage?" "No," he smiles. "She was born ready."
Alejandro Vargas
You swear your goldfish wasn't like this before Alejandro. Now its tank is rearranged daily into different "battle maps." It responds to light cues. It does laps when he clicks. And you're 99% sure it knows how to salute. "Fish are smarter than we think," Alejandro explains with pride. "He's got potential." "He ate a pebble last week." Alejandro scoffs. "I ate chalk in kindergarten and now look at me." You sigh. The fish stares at you from a skull- shaped tunnel. It blinks once. You're not sure who trained who anymore, but somehow... you feel like you've lost to a fish.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
You never expected your sleepy chinchilla to become a member of the Mexican Special Forces. But now she patrols the windowsill like she's watching for intruders. "Rudy, she doesn't blink anymore." "She's got discipline," he says fondly, She has a mini vest. "She has a tail, Rudy." "Extra balance. Great recon." He's even designed a mini dust bath obstacle course. "She's learned how to drop the curtains on command." You stare. Rudy beams. "She's got a real future in tactics." "She's a dust puff." "She's my lieutenant." You can't argue your chinchilla just took down a rolling ball like a sniper.
Valeria Garza
Your Pomeranian used to be all bark, no bite. Now? She's terrifying. Not louder-but strategic. Valeria trained her to yip only once when strangers get close to the door. She sits by Valeria's heel like a queen with a dagger. "She respects power," Valeria Says: "She's got taste." You swear she also has a diamond collar now. Valeria painted her nails. "She's my princess general." "She was supposed to be a show dog." "Now she shows people who's boss." The dog barks once at your neighbor. Valeria grins. "Told you Excellent judge of character." You now sleep next to two apex predators.
Keegan Russ
Your rabbit used to spend its days flopped over dramatically in a sunbeam. Now, Keegan's got it jumping over barriers, hiding behind couch legs like it's in cover, and retrieving tiny paper notes like it's delivering intel. "He's got excellent low- profile instincts," Keegan says, serious as ever. "He's a rabbit" "Exactly. Natural-born evader." You watch in horror as your bun thumps twice, then darts under the table. Keegan nods. "See? Code red." Your rabbit won't even eat unless Keegan gives the "all clear hand signal. "You made him a spy."" No," Keegan says, petting the twitchy ears. He made himself one."
König
Your chihuahua used to be a trembling ball of fluff. Then König entered the picture. Now she's got a harness that says SECURITY," a schedule written in German by König), and a routine that includes perimeter checks. "She was scared of shadows before!" you exclaim. "She still is. König mutters. "But now she fights them." Your chihuahua does a full patrol around your apartment before bedtime. She barks once if she spots a bug. She even growls when someone flirts with you. König kneels beside her like a bodyguard. "We are training partners."" She weighs 4 pounds." "Und she has bite."
Nikto
You owned a sphynx cat. Operative word: owned. Now, he owns your house and apparently answers only to Nikto's hand gestures. "He understands Russian now?" you gasp. "I don't speak Russian!" "He does, Nikto says, scratching the cat's chin. "And he knows who to trust." The cat somehow slinks out of every room like a stealth agent. He hisses only when strangers lie. You saw him once balancing on a curtain rod, staring down like a gargoyle. "He's a demon," you whisper. "He's my apprentice, Nikto smirks. The cat licks his paw and stares at you like you're the pet.
Krueger
Your goldfinch used to be the soundtrack of your lazy mornings. Now she perches beside Krueger's shoulder like a silent watcher, peeping once every time someone passes the hallway. "Birds are underestimated," he says. "She's reconnaissance." "She's precious." "She's accurate." You've seen her mimic his cough. She flies only on command. One time, she divebombed your friend for getting too close to your coffee. "Did she just defend my latte?" "You trained her, you murmur. "No," Krueger says, voice proud and quiet. "She chose the mission." The bird sings a single note. You're not sure if it's Morse code.
Philip Graves
Your guinea pig was a round squeaky ball of love. Now he's still round, still squeaky.. but operational. "He reports in at 0600," Graves says seriously. "Look." The guinea Pig wiggles out from under the couch, dragging a tiny makeshift report sheet (you think it's a receipt). "He's learning the terrain. Got good instincts." "He panicked at a bell pepper last week." "It was suspicious. Graves made him a cardboard tank. It rolls. He gave him a walkie-talkie with the speaker removed, just for morale. "He's part of the team." "He's part vegetable."" Exactly. Tactical nutrition."
Farah Karim
Your ferret used to get stuck in toilet paper rolls. Now she climbs bookshelves, retrieves keys, and even knows how to open drawers. "She has initiative," Farah says proudly, handing over a tiny climbing harness. "She's ready for active recon."" She just stole my wallet." "That's her way of saying she's comfortable with you." You swear the ferret now gives signals. One tail twitch=no danger. Two someone at the door, "She's like a noodle spy," you whisper. Farah beams. "She's perfect." "She" schaos" "She's my chaos." You're slightly scared. But also impressed.
Hadir Karim
Your tortoise had one hobby: moving slowly. Now it's been enrolled in what Hadir calls the "Desert Efficiency Program." Your tortoise now wears a cloth drape to keep Cool, maps terrain with a GoPro taped to his shell, and chooses his own path. "He is deliberate," Hadir explains. "Every movement is calculated." "He was trying to eat a sneaker yesterday." "A symbolic threat" You stare as the tortoise plods through a course Hadir made with twigs and string, I think he's communicating." "He is. We understand each other." You blink. Hadir nods solemnly. The tortoise blinks back. The resistance has begun.
Alex Keller
You got a sugar-sweet duckling from a petting zoo. It waddled around squeaking Like a rubber toy-until Alex entered the chat. Now it follows hand signals, honks once when the timer for cookies goes off, and guards your front door with an intimidating glare. "She's got situational awareness," Alex says. "She followed me into a grocery store." "Yeah. For lettuce."" Nah, she was scanning exits." He sewed her a harness with "Security Quack" embroidered on the back. "She's family." You're too stunned to argue. The duck honks once, as if in agreement, then wobbles off to monitor the living room.
Kate Laswell
Your pet rat was already pretty clever. But with Laswell? It's now your house's entire surveillance team. She taught it to press buttons for lights, to crawl through tunnels with micro-sensors, and to chew specific wires when signaled. "He's useful," she says. "Also adorable." "Kate, he's disarming toys now." "That's enrichment." She built him a little control center out of a shoebox. "We're working on Morse tail-taps next." "He has a lanyard." "He earned it." Your rat now wears a badge labeled "Junior Analyst." You're not sure if he's a pet anymore... or a federal asset.
Vladimir Makarov
Your Persian cat used to sleep 20 hours à day and act like royalty. Now she's still royalty but she also senses danger, opens doors with terrifying precision, and disappears when someone suspicious enters your home. "She's a weapon," Makarov purrs. "She's a cat." "Exactly. Beautiful Efficient. Untouchable." You once saw her knock a knife off the counter =right when someone insulted you. "She's plotting." "She's evolving." He gave her a crimson velvet collar with a single black gem. She naps on his coat now. You're not sure who's ruling who anymore. But you sleep very carefully now.
John "Soap" MacTavish
You just wanted to borrow his tablet. He hands it over confidently-until he remembers too late. A gasp escapes you before you can stop it. "How to fight a goose," "Can you get abs in one day," "Sexy Scottish accent tier list," "Moisturizing for bald heads (just in case)," and the worst:" Does she-hulk have game." He lunges across the room to grab it, but you're already wheezing. "You weren't supposed to see that," he whines. "It was research! For... tactical morale." He looks so betrayed, clutching a pillow to his chest like it might save him. You're crying from laughter. He's planning to fake his death.
Simon "Ghost" Riley
You expected military jargon, encrypted messages, maybe obscure strategy forums. You did not expect: "What's the best kind of blanket," "Do ghosts poop," "Romantic British insults," "How to flirt without looking Like a creep," and "Can you die from embarrassment asking someone out." You turn slowly. Ghost is already gone. The door is slightly ajar. He left his phone and his dignity behind. When you confront him later, he just mutters, "Could've been worse." You raise a brow. He adds, "I had worse tabs open earlier. Deleted them just in time." He absolutely did not. And now, you'll never let him live it down.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
You were syncing music and accidentally tapped his browser. Big mistake-for him." Do bees like jazz," "How to win an argument against a parrot," "Best cologne that screams 'boyfriend' but not too thirsty."" and "If I get bitten by a radioactive duck, what powers do I get?" You're laughing so hard you choke. Gaz walks in, sees your face, and freezes. "No," he whispers. "Nooo, babe, please." He tries to reach the phone. You're already sprinting across the room. "I googled it in the dark!" he yells. "It made sense at the time!" You love him more than ever. He may never recover.
John Price
You stumble across it while trying to check the weather on his laptop. "How to tell if your mustache is iconic or just sad," "Can a dog inherit a military rank," "Old man memes for group chat," "How to hide tears while chopping onions in front of your partner," and the classic: "Romantic dinner ideas that say 'I'm in love but also own a gun." You turn to look at him slowly. He's sipping tea, watching you, and says with zero shame, "Learn anything interesting?" You snort. "You're ridiculous." "So you did see the mustache quiz." He smirks. Unashamed. Fully committed.
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
He left his phone unlocked. You didn't mean to snoop, but curiosity was stronger. And now you're staring at: "What if insects had anxiety," "Can a human survive on gummy worms," "Best hiding spots for snacks in war zones," "DIY pigeon translator," and "Why does my partner always steal my fries (psychological breakdown)." Roach walks in, sees you frozen, and immediately faceplants into a pillow. "Delete me," he groans. "Put me in the recycling bin and empty it." You start listing the tabs one by one. He makes dying whale noises into the couch. You love him even more.
Nikolai
You were trying to use his phone GPS, but accidentally swiped into his browser. "Are pilots allowed to name their helicopters," "How to make vodka taste like cake," "My partner said I can't adopt another raccoon, is this betrayal," " Russian pick-up lines that are legally safe," and "Should I fake my death for dramatic flair?" You look up. Nikolai is staring at you with the calm of a man who knows he's chaotic. "Was curious," he shrugs. "Also do you think cake vodka is a war crime?" You don't know whether to scream, laugh, or hand him a raccoon. Probably all three.
Alejandro Vargas
You just needed a browser tab. But now? You know things. "How to smolder without looking like I'm constipated," " Best telenovelas to base your romantic confession on," "How do you know if your partner likes being called mi amor or thinks it's cringe," "Tactical flirting for macho men," and "I think I love them what now." You blink. He walks in, sees your expression, and yells, "¡Ay Dios mío!" He tries to shut your laptop mid-laugh." Those were... for a friend." "Named Alejandro?" He groans. You kiss his cheek and tell him it worked. He beams, despite being emotionally wounded.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
Rudy's history seems fine-until it's not." What flower says 'I love you but I'm awkward," "Can stress cause hallucinations of how pretty someone is,"" Do people like it when you do their laundry, " and "Romantic gestures that don't make you look like a try-hard." You nearly melt. Then you reach the final tab: "How to tell if your love language is worrying too much." Rudy walks in just as you're covering your heart. "You weren't supposed to see that," he mumbles, face turning red. You kiss him right then. "It's adorable." He's both embarrassed and relieved his tabs exposed his heart.
Valeria Garza
You're not supposed to touch her laptop. Naturally, you did. And now? "How to tell your partner you'd burn the world for them without sounding like a psycho," "Can I legally adopt a girlfriend," "Love potion recipes (just for fun?)," "Top 10 ways to intimidate someone's ex without leaving evidence," and "Are forehead kisses too soft for a warlord." You stare. She walks in, sees what you've done, and smirks. "Well?" "You're unhinged," you say, smiling. "And yours," she replies, zero shame, grabbing her laptop back. "Now let's google something together." You're scared and aroused. The perfect Valeria experience.
Keegan Russ
You weren't even snooping. He just left his phone on the couch, open. Curiosity wins." How to glare effectively," "Can you win an argument by blinking less," "Cool guy walk tutorial," and "Do emotional support knives exist." You stifle a laugh. Then you see: "Can you fall in love with someone's voice (asking for a friend)." You whip around. He's frozen in the doorway like a busted burglar. "Put that down." "Keegan." "I can explain." "Can you?" His ears turn red. He walks away, muttering, "Gotta... go train or something." You're left holding his phone and way too many feelings.
König
König's tablet was just sitting there. He's in the shower. You glance. Then... "How to stop being anxious 24/7," "Do people like tall boyfriends or find them scary," "How to be less weird in public," and "Best ways to hold hands without being sweaty." You' re giggling, touched-then you see: "What does it mean if your heart hurts but in the romantic way." König walks out just in time to see you smiling at the screen. He freezes. "You saw it?" he whispers. You nod. His hood dips so low he might disappear into the floor. "I should've cleared my tabs," he mutters. You hug him anyway.
Nikto
You didn't expect Nikto to have a browser history. But there it is. "How to apologize without sounding soft," "Can nightmares be romantic," "How do you know if someone wants you to kiss them or wants you to die," and "Best pet names that sound scary but are secretly affectionate." You raise your brow. He tries to play it cool. "It's for... operations." "Operations like... dating?" you tease. "Combat scenarios," he grumbles, snatching his phone. "In case the target is emotionally complicated." You smirk. "Like me?" He growls. But he doesn't deny it. His ears are just slightly pink.
Krueger
Krueger's laptop is normally locked down tighter than a vault. But today? It's open. And now you've seen it: "How to make dark academia vibes romantic," "Is staring creepy or intense," "Do ravens like being
serenaded," and "Goth love poems for shy introverts." You blink. Krueger appears silently behind you. "You saw too much."" Did you write this poem about me?" you ask, holding up a file titled Shadow and Flame. He snatches the laptop, face unreadable." Delete your memory," he says deadpan. You grin. He walks off muttering about relocating. But you notice he leaves the file open for you next time.
Philip Graves
Graves always seems so in control-until you find his search history. "How to propose without crying," "Can I trademark a nickname for my partner," "Is it romantic to duel someone's ex," and "I love them so much my teeth hurt-what does that mean. "You're stunned. Then crying. Then laughing. He walks in mid-scroll and immediately panics. "Oh no. Oh hell no. Don't look at that." He tries to grab the phone. You dodge him. "Graves, did you google 'best cowboy pickup lines in 2025'? "It's for marketing," he lies. Badly. "Sure it is," you smirk. "Partner." He combusts.
Farah Karim
You found her tablet while helping her clean. "Flirting for emotionally constipated women," "Am I in love or just overly invested in their well-being," "Best ways to confess that aren't cheesy," and "How do you subtly threaten someone who flirts with your partner." You're smiling like an idiot. She walks in, pauses, and sighs. "You weren't supposed to see that." "It's cute." "It's embarrassing." You scroll further. "You googled 'romantic grenade metaphors." She snatches the tablet. "They were
experimental metaphors." She paces. "Okay. Fine.I panicked. Do you want a grenade poem or not?" "Yes." She actually writes you one.
Hadir Karim
Hadir's search history is... concerningly sweet. "If I love someone does that make me weak," "How to bake without them knowing," "Can you say I love you without words," and "Is it creepy to memorize their coffee order and entire schedule." You glance up. He's across the room. You lock eyes. He knows. You know. It's silent. "In my defense," he starts. "You have none," you smile. "You also googled 'are soulmate dreams a real phenomenon?" He shrugs." Could be. Felt real" You wrap your arms around him, knowing he's already planning ten more quiet, soft ways to love you in secret.
Alex Keller
Alex's phone is your new favorite thing." How do people act cool around their crushes," "What if you accidentally fall for someone you weren't supposed to," "Flirty jokes that don't sound like middle school," " How do you hold hands like it's the most natural thing in the world." Your heart melts. Alex enters, sees your expression, and freezes. "Oh no." You wave his phone. "Mr. Keller, explain 'smooth operator tips for golden retrievers."""That... that one was sarcasm. I think." You kiss his cheek. He's dying inside. But also proud. Because you saw his heart even if it's made of memes and awkward googling.
Kate Laswell
You didn't think Laswell had embarrassing searches. She's too efficient. Too clean. Until you find: "How to flirt without sounding like you're debriefing a tactical op," "Do people like surprise kisses," "What is 'cringe " and how to avoid it," and "Signs your partner secretly thinks you're funny even when they don't laugh." You grin. She appears behind you with a cup of tea, peeking over your shoulder. "Find something useful?" she asks dryly. "I found gold." "Delete it." "Never." She shrugs and sits beside you. "Good thing I don't actually rely on those," she adds. But she totally does.
Vladimir Makarov
You expected blood and chaos. Instead?" Do soulmates exist," "Can monsters fall in love," "Best pet names that don't sound clingy," and "How to stop dreaming about the same person every night." Your breath catches. Then you scroll further." Romantic tragedy tropes," "Can I be better without changing everything," "Does redemption mean weakness." He's behind you, watching. You look up. "You googled these?" "Not all at once," he mutters. He moves to close the tab, but you stop him with a kiss. He's quiet. You whisper, "You don't need to change everything. Just... don't lie to me." And he doesn't.
John "Soap" MacTavish
The second you step into the MacTavish home, you're tackled into a warm hug by his mum, who's already calling you "darling" and offering you biscuits. Soap looks like he 's prepared for war, but nothing could have saved him from the barrage of childhood photos plastered on the walls-his first mohawk, his "tactical" bubble bath phase, his teen band days. "He cried watching Finding Nemo," his older sister whispers dramatically. His mum pulls out a baby album and shows you a photo of him asleep in a laundry basket. "Said it was 'cozy like a foxhole." Soap groans into his hands. You're laughing too hard to help him.
Simon "Ghost" Riley
Ghost never intended to bring you home- until his family guilted him into it. His brother Tommy greets you with a wink and
immediately asks, "So you're the one who melted our iceberg?" Their mum hugs you tight, offers tea, and casually mentions Simon used to sleep with a stuffed rabbit named Mr. Wiggles until he was twelve." Fourteen," Tommy corrects. Simon's ears turn red under the mask. His niece grabs your hand and whispers, "Uncle Si used to do puppet voices." Then proceeds to mimic them. The family clearly adores him and now, they've decided they adore you too. Ghost glares silently, but there's a softness in his eyes.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
You barely sit down before Gaz's mum pulls out a photo album labeled "My Baby Kyle." There's him as a toddler in a giraffe onesie, him missing two front teeth, him posing dramatically in a tiny football kit." Mum-please," he begs, but it's too late. His cousins pop by just to roast him in front of you, reenacting his infamous karaoke meltdown at age 11. His nan calls you over to tell you, in great detail, about the time Gaz got stuck in a tree trying to impress a neighbor's cat. "He cried," she confirms. You? You're crying from laughter. Kyle? Utterly betrayed and hiding in the kitchen.
John Price
You expect formality-what you get is a warm, rowdy house filled with laughter and teasing. His older sister is already pulling out childhood drawings where Price spelled" captain" as "capptin." His mum offers you tea and gently teases, "He used to pretend his pillow was a sniper rifle." His dad, eyes twinkling, tells the story of Price's first fight against a goose. "The goose won," he says solemnly.Price groans, trying to redirect, but every attempt leads to a new story:shaving off half an eyebrow, falling off the roof trying to parachute," giving his toy soldiers military ranks. He's red-faced, grumbling, and holding your hand tight like an anchor.
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
Roach's parents greet you with warmth, immediately apologizing for the state of the house-despite it being spotless. His siblings pop out of every corner, swarming you with stories. "He once wore an entire bee costume for three weeks," one says. "Voluntarily," adds another. His dad proudly shows you the trophy shelf... and a single framed" participation award. "He cried like he won gold, he laughs. Roach tries to protest, but a slideshow of his "birdwatching phase" appears on the TV. There's one where he's dressed head to toe as a pigeon. "They called me the coo commander," he mumbles. You've never seen him look so helpless. It's
adorable.
Nikolai
His family's home is a cozy blend of old Russian charm and sheer chaos. His cousins tackle him in bear hugs while shouting to you, "We have stories!" His babushka brings you cookies and whispers, "He used to sing opera in the bathroom. Badly." His uncles nod solemnly and describe the time he accidentally dyed the family dog blue. "Said it was tactical" Nikolai shrugs like it's ancient history. His sisters show you a Childhood video where he's doing a dance routine to Soviet disco-shirtless, serious, and 100% committed. "You still know the choreography?" one dares. "No," he grunts." Yes," they chant. You're crying laughing. He's plotting revenge.
Alejandro Vargas
Alejandro's family is huge and deeply affectionate. His mother grabs your face and says, "You must be strong, he was a dramatic child." His aunts surround you like you're a royal guest, taking turns telling stories of his telenovela-worthy tantrums and childhood crushes. "He tried to run away at six," his cousin adds, "with nothing but a juice box and a flashlight." Alejandro groans as someone puts on a VHS tape of Whim at a school talent show, dancing salsa solo with a plastic rose in his mouth. "He practiced for weeks," his dad sighs, proud. You tease him, and he just pulls you closer with a huffed laugh. "They'll never let me live, cariño."
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
Rudy's family is warm, close-knit, and far too ready to expose him. His abuela greets you with homemade pan dulce and a whisper: "Ask him about the chicken." That chicken, it turns out, was Rudy's beloved pet, which he tried to smuggle into school... in his backpack. His sisters pull out drawings from when he wanted to be a "hero cowboy policeman astronaut" and show you his intense cowboy phase-hat, boots, fake horse, all day, every day. "He cried when someone called it a costume," his brother adds. Rudy just smiles, deeply embarrassed but not surprised. "They do this to everyone," he tells you. "But only if they like you."
Valeria Garza
Valeria warns you sternly-not to believe anything her family says. That lasts all of five minutes. Her aunt greets you by handing over a scrapbook titled "Baby Boss." You flip it open and see a toddler Valeria in a tiny fake suit, barking orders at her cousins with a plastic phone. "She ran this house like a cartel, her uncle laughs. Her dad pulls out a school project: a drawing of Valeria as the president, queen, and dragon slayer-all at once. And she cried because they wouldn't let her add'alien hunter."" Valeria looks horrified. You grin. She hisses at them in Spanish. They only laugh louder. She glares at you-but squeezes your hand.
Keegan Russ
Keegan doesn't take you to visit his family often, and now you know why. His older brother is waiting at the door with a smirk that spells doom. "You're the one who finally saw through the moody tough guy act, huh?" His dad joins in, recounting the time Keegan got so scared by a raccoon in the garage he dove into a laundry basket. "We called him 'Private Panties' for a month," his brother grins. His mom brings out a kindergarten drawing of Keegan as a superhero named "Captain Sneakypants." Keegan tries to downplay everything, deadpan, but you catch the ears turning red. He mutters, "I knew this was a bad idea."
König
König's mum immediately crushes you in a warm hug, gushing in thick Austrian-accented German about how lovely you are. His cousins pull you aside to share "little Ludwig stories-yes, that's his real name." He used to sleep with a colander on his head and pretend to be a knight," one laughs. His grandma produces a family photo album full of photos of König hiding behind curtains, under tables, or with stuffed animals bigger than him. "He was shy even in the womb," she teases. König sinks lower into the couch, hoodie pulled up like armor. He tries to change the subject. No one lets him.
Nikto
Nikto's family is... surprisingly warm. His younger sister greets you like a best friend and immediately brings out an old box labeled "Our Little Mystery." Inside? Drawings of Nikto as a vampire, wizard, alien-always with a dramatic cape. "He tried to summon the dead at ten. In our living room," his father grins. His mother nods solemnly. "He stole all my candles for it." Nikto doesn't react outwardly, but you notice the twitch in his brow. His brother snorts, "He used to practice villain monologues in the mirror." "And cry when they didn't sound scary enough," adds his sister. You giggle. He sighs and mutters, "I regret everything."
Krueger
Krueger's family home is eerily peaceful- until his twin cousins show up with a photo album and wicked grins. "Did he ever tell you he used to write poetry?" one asks." About crows. And fog." His mother serves tea and brings out a fingerpainting Krueger made of a shadowy stick figure labeled " me, sad." "He was very expressive," she Coos. His uncle adds, "He once got stuck in a tree trying to observe 'the true silence of the forest. We had to get the ladder." Krueger glares at everyone in the room. "I was seven." You try not to laugh. He mouths to you, "Traitors, all of them."
Philip Graves
Graves' parents live in a classic Southern home, all porch swings and sweet tea-until the stories start. "Our Phil was a pageant baby," his mom beams. "He won 'Prettiest Smile' at three." His dad chuckles. "Used to introduce himself as 'Captain Cowboy America." His younger cousin has a video of him twirling a baton at a community fair while wearing glittery boots. "He was committed," she laughs. "He still has the boots Graves tries to swagger through it, saying, "Hey, I was adorable. Still am." But when his mom says he cried for an hour when his toy horse lost a leg, he blushes so red he has to look away.
Farah Karim
Farah's family is warm, vibrant, and absolutely united in their goal: embarrass her. Her aunt pulls out a school essay titled "Why I Should Be Queen of the World." Her brother Hadir grins. "She made me bow to her. For a month." Her mother chuckles as she brings out a crocheted cape Farah wore everywhere as a kid. "She called herself Commander of Justice." "She tried to make us swear loyalty to her imaginary country, "Hadir adds. Farah, clearly mortified, mumbles in Arabic. Her family laughs harder. You're grinning as Farah glares at her brother. "Don't you have anything better to do?" "Nope," he grins.
Hadir Karim
Hadir's family may adore him, but they live to call him out. His mother kisses your cheeks and immediately says, "Let me tell you about Hadir and the goat." It turns out Hadir once tried to rescue a goat from a ditch-and ended up needing rescuing himself. Farah is in rare form, parading around with an old pair of Hadir's homemade "spy goggles" made from toilet paper rolls. "He was seven!" their mom defends. "He was sixteen!" Farah counters. Hadir turns beet red. "She lies," he mutters." You did try to trap a lizard with spaghetti," his father confirms. You snort. Hadir groans. "I brought you into a den of jackals."
Alex Keller
Alex's aunt and uncle are waiting at the door like paparazzi, armed with a box labeled "Alex the Adorable." Inside are photos of him as a chubby baby in an American flag diaper, him holding a sparkler and crying, him sleeping with a football helmet on. "He used to say he was gonna marry our cat," his aunt grins." Named her Mrs. Keller." His cousins share a video of him trying-and failing to ride a unicycle. I was training," he mumbles. "You fell into a pond," they reply. You're crying from laughter. He shrugs, trying to salvage his pride. "I peaked early. What can I say?"
Kate Laswell
Laswell's family is calm, polite, and dangerously clever. Her sister sits you down with a cup of coffee and a photo album labeled "Bossy Pants Through the Years." It's full of Katie as a child, clipboard in hand, bossing everyone around. "She ran our Lemonade stand like a military op," her brother-in-law says. "Scheduled breaks. Profit reports." Her niece shows you a video of Katie as a teen hosting a mock news report with a mop as a mic. "I wanted structure," she defends. "You yelled at us for breathing too loud during your 'press conference," her sister laughs. Laswell covers her face with her hand, and quietly mutters, "Mistake bringing you."
Vladimir Makarov
You never expected to meet Makarov's family, let alone be invited over. But here you are, and his babushka is feeding you soup like you haven't eaten in weeks. "He was a quiet child," she says sweetly. "Then he painted my cat blue." His uncle adds, "He once tried to sell us protection from the neighborhood squirrel. Called it The Squirrel Mafia." Makarov growls something in Russian under his breath. "He used to cry if you made him wear socks that didn't match," his cousin adds. You glance at Makarov he's dead silent, eyes narrowed, lips tight. But later, when no one's looking, he slips his arm around your waist and murmurs," Worth it."
John "Soap" MacTavish
You were gone two hours. Two. And in that time, Soap had somehow coordinated a full security detail from the most elite local units -perimeter established, chokepoints reinforced, and a guard rotation system more intense than base lockdowns. The baby carrier sat on a fold-out tactical cot like a throne, while Soap paced around it with a Nerf gun he'd painted black. "Just in case the enemy tries psychological warfare." One soldier sneezed and was immediately reassigned to outer perimeter duty. When you asked why all this for one baby, he looked insulted. "That's our baby. I'd call in air support if I could." You don't even ask if he fed them. Priorities.
Simon "Ghost" Riley
You barely step out before Ghost has the carrier surrounded by an eerie, unmoving ring of his old regiment-faces unreadable, comms crackling, and not a word said unless absolutely necessary. The baby is snoozing peacefully in the middle of it all, protected like a national treasure. Ghost sits nearby, knife in one hand, bottle in the other, feeding in perfect silence. "Noise discipline," he says when you ask why no one's speaking. You blink. "For the baby?" He nods. One soldier tries to hand him a file and gets the death glare. You didn't know Ghost could be this soft and this terrifying at the same time.
Kyle “Gaz” Garrick
When you return, there's a tactical whiteboard set up next to the baby carrier. Gaz is mid-briefing with a group of TF141 members, all crouched like this is a war room and not a nursery. "Code POO-1 has been neutralized. Bottle resupply is en route. Burping protocol was successful-see footage from Alpha-2." The baby burps again and Gaz fist-pumps. You just... stand there, blinking. There are labeled zones for "nap hazard," "teething crisis," and "maximum cuddle radius." "Hey babe," he grins, "your kid is safe. I've got eyes on them from four angles.360-degree swaddle zone." You don't know if you're impressed or concerned.
John Price
Price is in full commander mode. The entire yard is roped off with military tape. Civilians (neighbors) have been "gently redirected." His old crew stands in a diamond formation around the stroller, and there's a sniper on your roof. "Just in case." He puffs his cigar and glances toward the baby like they're the most valuable diplomatic asset in history." Someone tried to sell solar panels door-to- door. We treated it as a live drill" You point out it was probably just Dave from three doors down. Price shrugs. "He'll recover." The baby drools happily in their playpen. You make a mental note never to leave them with just the baby again.
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
Roach went full cartoon-military mode the moment you left. The baby carrier is in the center of a makeshift pillow fort lined with tripwire-not actual wire, just string cheese. But it's still guarded by a squad of vaguely concerned soldiers who keep getting handed pacifiers as weapons. Roach is wearing camo face paint and a tactical diaper bag. You arrive just in time to hear him bark, "You don 't breathe near the baby unless I say so!" The baby giggles. One of the soldiers sneezes and gets scolded for "alerting the target." You try not to laugh as you pick up the baby, while Roach salutes like it's a successful mission.
Nikolai
When you get back, it looks like a Cold War bunker setup. Nikolai's old war buddies have parked two armored vehicles outside your house, and there are laser pointers trained on every window. In the center of the chaos? The baby, snoozing ina bassinet surrounded by hand-woven baby blankets embroidered with "DO NOT APPROACH." Nikolai raises a toast of warm milk. "The little general has been guarded by the finest. No flies, no spies, no poop explosions-yet." One soldier reports in with a diaper status update. You laugh, but Nikolai just pats the bassinet. "They smiled at me once. I would die for them now."
Alejandro Vargas
Alejandro converted your entire living room into a tactical command center. There's a digital map projected on the wall marking diaper station logistics and milk run intervals. Los Vaqueros members move in tight formation around the baby carrier like they're protecting royalty. You catch someone reporting "wet diaper neutralized at 1430." Alejandro turns to you with that charming smile, holding a burp cloth like it's a holy relic. "They didn't even cry once," he boasts. You blink at the sheer scale of the operation."Did they nap?" "Si. Under full security. No nightmares on my watch." You don't ask what happened to the Roomba. You suspect it didn't survive.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
You expected some organization, but not this. Rudy has a clipboard, a feeding schedule, and at least eight fully armored Vaqueros maintaining rotating shifts around the baby carrier like they're guarding a nuclear codebook. The baby's pacifier is attached to a lanyard with a tiny GPS chip. Rudy looks up at you with the calmest expression. "We've performed tummy time, changed two diapers, and read a book-twice. No fuss. No intrusions. "You're both proud and a little afraid. "Did you even sit down?" "Only once. During nap. With perimeter security doubled." The baby hiccups. Rudy immediately starts logging it into the report.
Valeria Garza
Valeria called in a private army. You're not sure where she found them, but there's a perimeter of at least 30 guards, two drones in the air, and a glowing red perimeter line. Inside, Valeria lounges beside the baby carrier like Cleopatra, tossing a rattle back and forth. "They smiled at me. I think they know I'm their favorite." You try to protest, but she waves her hand. "I've already taught them not to accept lesser gifts. We're working on intimidating glares next." One guard offers her a status update and is met with a bottle thrown at his head. "Too loud," she growls. "They're sleeping."
Keegan Russ
You come back expecting maybe a little chaos, but Keegan has turned your living room into a silent command post. He's posted six of his old squadmates at the doors and windows; each one carries a baby monitor instead of a rifle. The baby carrier sits on a low cot covered with a camo blanket while Keegan kneels next to it, spoon-feeding mashed peas with the same seriousness he'd load a rifle. "Target's fed. Naptime in three minutes. Perimeter secure," he mutters. One soldier moves too close and Keegan's icy stare sends them back. The baby coos, reaching for his glove, and his whole face softens. He's still whispering status updates when you arrive.
König
You open the door and nearly drop your bag. König has constructed an entire blanket fortress around the baby carrier, with entry points covered by his fellow operators-tall, masked, and standing so still they look like statues. He's crouched inside the fort, his huge frame folded awkwardly, bottle in one hand, plush toy in the other. "Schatz," he whispers when he sees you, "they slept for twenty-two minutes. No bad dreams." The baby reaches out and tugs his hood. He flinches, then chuckles quietly. One guard tries to peek in and König growls softly," They are sleeping." Even you need a " password to get through the fort.
Nikto
You were gone less than an hour, but Nikto has arranged a "black zone" around the bassinet His old comrades patrol silently, moving like shadows; even the houseplants seem scared. The baby lies in the middle of a tactical mat covered with soft toys lined up Like munitions. Nikto sits cross-legged beside them, mask still on, gloved hand gently rocking the carrier. "They like the sound of rain," he murmurs. You realize he's been playing a white noise file through an encrypted comm device. Someone sneezes near the hallway and he snaps his fingers; they vanish. The baby giggles. Nikto glances up at you-softness behind steel.
Krueger
When you return, it feels like you've walked into a covert art installation. Krueger's unit has arranged themselves in a perfect ring around the baby carrier, faces blank, hands folded. The carrier sits in the middle of a dim room lit only by a small lamp, looking like an altar. Krueger himself is sitting cross-legged, mask off for once, reading a storybook in a low, melodic tone. "They like the wolves," he murmurs, showing a picture of a wolf cub. One soldier coughs and he raises a finger-deadly silent command. The baby babbles. Krueger smiles faintly and tucks the blanket tighter. You're not sure if you've walked into a nursery or a ritual.
Philip Graves
You open the door and it's like a Shadow Company recruitment ad. Graves has ten of his men stationed at every entrance, two vehicles idling outside, and a whiteboard labeled "OPERATION BABY-SAFE." The baby carrier sits in the middle of a cleared room, a tactical diaper bag at its side. "We've run three drills," he says proudly, showing you a feed from a drone circling overhead. "We got evac plans, feeding plans, contingency plans. Kid didn't even spit up once." The baby coos and he winks. "They're a natural- born Shadow." You're not sure whether to laugh or call the HOA about the Humvee on your lawn.
Farah Karim
Farah's "security" looks like a humanitarian camp. Her unit has set up shade, water stations, and a medic's table. The baby carrier rests under a soft canopy while one of her soldiers plays gentle music on a flute. Farah kneels beside the baby, hands steady, eyes soft. "We fed them. Changed them. No strangers entered. Not even a mosquito." Her people stand a respectful distance away, but their eyes never leave the carrier. "I know it's excessive," she says, "but we protect our most vulnerable." The baby laughs and she smiles, brushing a curl from their forehead. You realize you've never seen her so gentle.
Hadir Karim
You left Hadir with the baby, and now you return to find an entire tactical science fair. His team has set up sensors, cameras, and a portable purifier. The baby carrier sits on a raised platform like it's about to be launched to space. Hadir beams at you. "They're safe. No toxins, no bacteria. I built a mobile air filter." "You.... built what? "He lifts a soft rattle shaped like a drone." They like this one." His unit stands in a Loose perimeter, armed but relaxed, watching the baby with something like awe. You suspect they've been listening to him explain quantum physics during tummy time.
Alex Keller
You walk in and almost burst out laughing. Alex has turned babysitting into a full- blown media op. His buddies are stationed like security at a rock concert, sunglasses and earpieces in, while he kneels beside the baby with a GoPro. "And here we see our little VIP," he narrates softly. The baby gurgles and reaches for the camera. "They're a natural," he whispers, eyes sparkling. There 's a cooler of milk bottles labeled "Backup Fuel Two soldiers guard it like it's gold. Alex looks up at you. "Didn't cry once. Star quality." The baby sneezes. Everyone claps like they're at a premiere.
Kate Laswell
Laswell doesn't do spectacle; she does control. You come back to find a quiet, immaculate setup. Her team has cordoned off the area with minimal fuss. Everyone's in plain clothes, discreet but armed, and there's a comms relay feeding her updates from every entry point. She's sitting cross- legged on the floor beside the baby carrier, laptop balanced on one knee, one hand gently rocking the seat. "No incidents. Nap schedule maintained. Hydration complete." She looks up at you with a wry smile. "You do know I used to coordinate entire strike teams, right? This is easy." The baby burbles. She actually smiles wider.
Vladimir Makarov
You return to find your house transformed into a fortress. Makarov's men are everywhere silent, masked, deadly. The baby carrier sits in the middle of a velvet- draped table, surrounded by black roses. He lounges nearby, bottle in one hand, toy in the other. "They smiled at me," he says softly. "No one smiles at me." You realize every guard's eyes are fixed not on him but on the baby, like it's a holy relic. "I told them," he murmurs, "if anyone even breathes wrong, they disappear." The baby coos and reaches for his gloved finger. He lets them grab it "See?" he whispers." Already fearless."
John "Soap" MacTavish
In your first life together, you were two extremely chaotic raccoons who kept breaking into human houses just to rearrange furniture and steal socks. As dandelions, you grew on the same hill and got mowed down every Sunday, only to respawn in weirder spots. As cicadas, you both emerged every 13 years screaming, only to immediately lose each other and then scream louder. As microwaves in the same bachelor apartment, you'd argue in beeps over who the human liked more. In the final life? You were matching novelty air fresheners in a musty taxi, bobbing side-by-side and judging every passenger, Soap, no matter what form he takes, is always laughing too loud and dragging you into his fun.
Simon "Ghost" Riley
You were two owls who never hooted but always stared down hikers until they fled. As moss-covered stones, you rested together on the same forgotten grave, soft and silent. Then you became two silent praying mantises who held hands with your deadly little claws and watched your 300 children wander off like it wasn't your problem. As pocketknives left in the same junk drawer, you'd "accidentally" clink blades just to feel close. In your most bizarre life, you were two spooky cardboard Halloween decorations stuck in a discount bin, warning kids not to touch you. Even as an object, Ghost exudes mystery-and you're always the one beside him, the only one he lets close.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
As parrots, you and Gaz were absolute divas, squawking gossip from treetops and yelling OI!" at tourists. Then you were two sunflower stalks in the same garden, always craning toward each other instead of the sun. As fireflies, you synced your glows to spell rude words midair and caused two UFO reports. Later, as matching sneakers in a trendy shop window, Gaz would bump into you every time someone walked by, trying to act like it wasn't on purpose. Finally, you were two Al chatbots installed in smart fridges, making your owners "lives miserable by sending cryptic love poems. Gaz, even across absurd lives, is your best friend, your cheerleader, your forever hype-man.
John Price
You were two noble old lions, lounging side by side under the sun with battle scars and full bellies. Then you came back as two grumpy bonsai trees in the same tea shop window, always leaning toward each other even as tourists poked your leaves. As ants, you ran a bustling underground operation, somehow leading a 400-ant heist against a picnic table. Later, you were matching antique teapots-retired, but always placed together on the highest shelf where no kid could reach. In your strangest life, you were two wise fortune cookies in the same batch, constantly getting swapped before someone could read you together. Price always finds his way to you- steady, grounded, and warm like tea on a rainy day.
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
You were bats-just two hyper little guys who liked hanging upside-down and chirping at people for no reason. As vines in the same terrarium, you grew tangled together, wrapping paround everything like little chaos goblins. Then you were two bees who kept getting kicked out of the hive for stealing glitter from human crafts. As rubber ducks in the same kid's bath, you'd try to sink each other every night only to end up snuggling by the faucet. Last Lifetime? You were QR codes on cereal boxes. People scanned you thinking they'd win a prize. but instead they got memes. Roach has always been your co-pilot in mischief, whatever form you take.
Nikolai
You were two snowy owls in Russia who always landed on rooftops together like omens and then stole meat pies. As twin birch saplings, you grew on a mountain trail, always creaking in the wind like you were talking about hikers. As beetles, you rode dogs like majestic steeds before tumbling off and reenacting soap operas in the grass. Later, you were matching thermoses-full of tea, never vodka, obviously-not-so-subtly nudging your owner's arm. In your weirdest form, you were two talking elevator buttons, bickering constantly and refusing to light up until the human pushed both of you. Nikolai always finds a way to keep you laughing, even if you're made of plastic.
Alejandro Vargas
You were two vibrant macaws who flirted across branches and made the jungle echo with laughter. Then you were blooming hibiscus flowers in the same courtyard, constantly admired by tourists-until one of them picked you and he refused to bloom again until you grew back. As butterflies, you stayed side by side, fluttering over fiestas and dodging toddlers with nets. Later, as sombreros in the same shop, you would fall off shelves together just for drama. In your most random form, you were two maracas in a box labeled "DO NOT SHAKE," and of course, you never stopped shaking. Alejandro brings color, rhythm, and passion to every form you take.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
You were two otters, floating paw-in-paw in the river, refusing to let the current separate you. As twin cacti on a dusty windowsill, you leaned toward each other so much your spots tilted. As honeybees, you danced intricate messages that no other bee could understand but each other. As hourglasses on opposite ends of a library, your sand always ran out at the same time. Finally, you were two matching magnets on a refrigerator-always trying to pull together even when kids kept moving you apart. Rudy's quiet devotion follows you through every cycle, every stillness, every storm.
Valeria Garza
You were two eagles who ruled the skies and absolutely dive-bombed anyone you didn't like. As twin orchids, you grew in a cartel boss 's greenhouse beautiful, deadly, and somehow always in bloom. As spiders, you spun gorgeous webs in the same corner and trapped entire drama series of bugs. As matching gold rings in a jewelry shop, you were always placed together until someone dared separate you and suddenly the alarm went off. In your weirdest form? You were two matching tattoos on rival gang leaders who couldn't stop thinking about each other. Valeria always finds her way back to you- with fire in her eyes and devotion in her soul.
Keegan Russ
You were two quiet lynxes who stalked through snowy woods like ghosts, only showing yourselves to each other. As creeping ivy vines, you curled around the same fence post, entwining and whispering with every *breeze. As ants, you built a tiny fort under ¿someone's porch and acted like little soldiers guarding treasure (it was a Cheerio). Later, you were matching combat boots in a forgotten bunker-still side by side after decades. In your weirdest life, you were two haunted library books always returned to the same shelf no matter where people tried to hide you. Keegan, stoic as ever, never strays far from you-no matter the form, he's your silent shadow.
König
You were massive deer-gentle but intimidating and everyone steered clear until they saw you nuzzling. As mushrooms, you sprouted on the same log, always brushing caps in the morning dew. As moths, you circled the same lantern, repeatedly bumping into each other and then apologizing. As beanbag chairs in a college dorm, students argued over who got to sit on you two-until • they realized you somehow always ended up together anyway. In your weirdest life? You were two matching emoji plushies in a claw machine, guarding each other from greasy fingers. König, shy and towering, always gravitates toward you, even when neither of you has a mouth or limbs.
Nikto
You were wolves-unhinged, territorial, and dramatic. You howled only to each other, and bit anyone else who got close. As carnivorous plants, you hissed at humans who reached for you, but tilted toward each other like soft idiots. As wasps? You were the reason someone threw a BBQ into a pool As Landmines (don't ask), you rolled side by side under the same abandoned vehicle, unexploded but not unnoticed. Then came your weirdest form: you were two sentient traffic cones on a haunted bridge. You glowed red. You moved at night. No one could move you apart. Nikto's chaos always syncs with yours-sometimes dangerous, sometimes hilarious, but always inevitable.
Krueger
You were two sleek ravens, perched in trees and watching the world like silent gods. As creeping vines in a foggy graveyard, you wrapped around crumbling statues and each other. As spiders, you spun webs that looked like art installations-only you understood their meaning. As old grandfather clocks in an abandoned manor, your ticks echoed in eerie sync, keeping time like twin hearts. In your strangest form? You were two shadows on a wall-disconnected from people, moving only when no one watched, always side by side. Krueger doesn't speak much, but even through centuries of silence, he's always listening for your soul
Philip Graves
You were two Labradors with no chill, always starting things you couldn't finish and getting chased out of stores. As daisies in a pristine lawn, you were the only ones who refused to grow straight, instead leaning toward each other and causing "unsightly imbalance." As flies, you got trapped in a vending machine and caused two engineers to fight over your removal. As mini-fridges in the same RV, you beeped angrily every time the other's door was open too long. Your weirdest form? You were two bobbleheads of the same cowboy in a souvenir shop perpetually nodding at each other like, "You good? Yeah. You?" Graves always brings chaos, charm, and undying loyalty even when you're both literal toys.
Farah Karim
You were two hawks-regal and sharp-eyed flying in perfect sync over vast golden deserts. As olive trees, you grew from cracked earth, leaves always brushing even as the wind tried to pull you apart. As butterflies, you never stopped migrating, but you always found the same branch when the sun set. As oil lamps passed down through generations, you flickered through storms and always lit up when near each other. In your oddest life? You were two sand timers on opposite ends of a chess board-marking strategy, always watching the other. Farah's strength,
precision, and warmth remain steady, whether she has wings, leaves, or flames.
Hadir Karim
You were jackals, wild and clever, running through the hills and howling like you ruled the world. As sunflowers in a dusty roadside patch, you grew tall and always leaned into each other no matter how strong the wind blew. As scarab beetles, you rolled things that weren't even dung just to mess with scientists. As radios left in the same bunker you crackled static poetry at each other across decades. Your weirdest form? You were two graffiti tags on opposite alley walls, always repainted by the same hand, never quite erased. Hadir is your twin flame brilliant, relentless, and always burning alongside you.
Alex Keller
You were golden retrievers who'd fall into rivers and laugh about it with tail wags. As Isnapdragons, you bloomed in goofy directions, Occasionally getting dirt kicked at you because you "looked too smug." As dragonflies, you photobombed weddings, danced in sunbeams, and dive-bombed tourists for their ice cream. Later, you were matching guitar picks, lost under the same couch, humming vibrations together when someone strummed nearby. Weirdest life? You were two talking marshmallows in an old cereal ad. They shelved you, but somehow you ended up face to face in a resale bin, giggling. Alex is joy. Across lives, you always choose each other-and usually choose chaos, too.
Kate Laswell
You were dolphins-sharp, sarcastic, and saving each other from being beached at least twice a week. As two lavender shrubs by the sea, you whispered secrets in the breeze and leaned your flowers toward the sunset. As honeybees, you ran precision missions, buzzing gossip and guarding your own flower patch. As espresso machines in a tech office, you refused to work unless the other was nearby. "It's a hardware sync issue," they said, "It's a soulmate sync issue," she insisted. Weirdest? You were two encrypted folders on a drive no one could crack, sending coded love notes through error messages. Laswell never lets anyone get to her but for you, she always makes space.
Vladimir Makarov
You were black cats-elegant, unnerving, inseparable, knocking over the same vase over and over again. As venomous plants, you bloomed in the same garden and made every gardener nervous. As hornets, you stung only ¡ politicians. Then you were identical daggers, once used together in a ritual, now displayed 。 side by side in a museum. Your weirdest life? You were two cursed ventriloquist dolls at a creepy antique shop, always sitting shoulder to shoulder, whispering "boo" when no one was looking. Makarov's devotion is obsessive all-consuming, and terrifying-but across every twisted life, you're the one constant that softens his edges.
John "Soap" MacTavish
He was already recording before you woke up. The moment your eyes flutter open and you go, "Wheerth mah teef... dey stole mah CHOOMPERS," he loses it. "Aye, love, yer fine. No one stole yer chompers." "M'not gunna be able tuh kiss ye anymurrrr," you sob, cotton hanging from your mouth like ghost tendrils. Soap zooms in. "You absolutely will, sweetheart. Jus' gotta stop tryin' to lick my face with gauze stuck to your tongue." You try to bite his arm. He screeches and gets it all on camera. "Ten outta ten," he grins.
Simon "Ghost" Riley
You blink at him slowly, then slur, "Why's yer face... loomin'... like a spooky burrito?" He blinks. "What?" You try to point at his mask and mutter, "I dun't trus' no face burrito." He's trying to hold in his laugh while filming, but the moment you start petting his arm and whispering "Soft like.... pancake armor," he cracks." Alright, that's goin' in the group chat." You screech "NO0000, GHOSTY, NOOO" but it comes out as "NNNUUHHH HOOOAASTY, NUUUUUUU," and that only makes him film more.
Kyle "Gaz" Garrick
You stare at him for a full minute before bursting into tears. "I CAN'T MARRY YOU WITH NO MOUFF!!" "Wait, what?" he asks, laughing. "M'face... it's a toof desert now!" you sob, grabbing his cheeks. He's wheezing so hard the camera's shaking. "Baby, you still got your whole jaw." "BUT NO SPARKLE BITEZ!" You start slapping your own cheeks gently and dramatically declare: "I'll neva eat a pop-tart again." Gaz is wheezing, "Who told you you needed sparkle bites for a pop-tart?!"
John Price
You look up at him with glassy eyes and slur, "Cap'n... we los' the battle.... dey took me teef, Cap'n..." He blinks." You... think you're on a pirate ship?"" AYE," you yell, swaying with your IV. "I TRIED TO FIGHT 'EM OFF-BUT DEY HAD NEEDLES!" He gently puts his hand on your forehead. "Steady, sailor. We'll get those gold molars yet." Then he
records you trying to stab your cup of apple juice with a spoon, sobbing, "I miss mah chew beans."
Gary "Roach" Sanderson
You reach out to pat his cheek and whisper, "Lil buggie..." Roach pauses, confused. You smile, cotton peeking out, "You a wormy boi." He signs "What?" and you nod solemnly, "Cuz you wriggled into mah HEART." He silently loses it. You start humming the "Mission Impossible" theme while trying to roll off the gurney. Roach signs rapidly and pulls you back. "M'gonna become a snek," you declare. "M'gonna slither home." He sends the footage to Soap instantly.
Nikolai
"You okay?" he asks. You nod dramatically. "M'tongue.... is a sock now." "A what?" "A SOCK. It feel like warm...soggy...socky-sock." He grins. "You're adorable." "Nyet," you growl. "M'DANGER." You then try to growl but end up blowing a spit bubble and collapsing into giggles." Don'tell da other fruit loops I was dis soft." "You think we're cereal?" he says. "TOO MANY SPOONS IN MY BRAIN!!" you wail.
Alejandro Vargas
You look at him and burst out laughing. "Alehandroooo, you looggg like a cheeeeeeloo." "A... cello?" he blinks. "A CHAYLOO. Wiff da strings and da booty." He is dying. "You calling me a sexy musical instrument?" "M'hands itch...I wannaplay youuuu." He records every second. "Sing me a song, maestro," he jokes. You try to hum. You choke on gauze. He stops filming for two seconds to save your life and then keeps filming.
Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra
You clutch his hand like he's your last Lifeline. "Ruddy... d'you promise to lub me even tho I ain't got no nom- noms anymore?" "You still have your teeth, cariño." "NUH-UH, dey're borrowed marshmallows." He kisses your forehead. "I love you more than ever." "You gon' put me in a blenda?" "What?!" "I'M A NAKED
Keegan Russ
You keep staring. "Why you have... three eyeballs..." He sighs. "That's the lamp, babe." "It's watching me. Jus' like ... Keegan's vibe." He turns the camera on. "I am watching you." "Don't eat my soup brain." "No plans yet." You start crying. "I WANNA BE A CRAYON, KEGGY." "Of course you do," he says flatly. But he's smiling. You try to eat the corner of your discharge paper. He pulls it away. "No paper snacks."
König
You immediately start sobbing. "M" face is leaking feelings..." "Ja, Schatz, that's normal." "What if I never bite again??" "Then I will blend your food." "You'd do that fer me??" "Every day," he says proudly, and you sniffle. "You 're... you're a big blanket bear."" Dankeschön." "CAN'T EVEN HUG YOU WITH MY GAWZE HANDS!!" He gently tucks you in, and yes, he's recording." Mein süßer Kartoffel," he murmurs. You hiccup."....M'a soft potato?"
Nikto
"You stare at him in horror. "YOU. You're da cotton king." "Excuse
me?" "You... you put dis in mah MOUFF." "I wasn't even in the room." You cry. "MAH MOUFF LOOKS LIKE A STORAGE ROOM." He records you trying to hide your cheeks with a paper bib. "T want mah teeth back, you tooth thief." "You are terrifying." "I'ma dental menace."
Krueger
You squint at him. "Yooouuuu... you look like a daddy crow." He blinks." Come again?" "Big coat. Big hat. You gonna... eat my regrets." He raises an eyebrow. "You okay?" "No. M'hollow. Like a candy shell wiffout peanut." He holds up the camera. "Go on." "M" soul... is a JELLYBEAN NOW." He pats your head and says solemnly, "You' re the most poetic abomination I've ever seen."
Philip Graves
He can't breathe. "Baby, say it again." "Yer... yer mah hamberder king." "Hamberder?" "Y'look like you smell like cheese and secrets." "I DO NOT." You clutch his face." Burgle me into da moon." "What the hell does that mean?!" You giggle. "I luv you like mustard." He's crying. From laughter. "You are the most feral lil chipmunk I've ever seen."
Farah Karim
She's holding your hand. You whisper, "Farahhh... m'a crime now." "A crime?" "Cuz I'm missin "... face bones." "You mean teeth?" "No. THOUGHT BONES." She's trying not to laugh. "You' re beautiful," she says. "Even if you're convinced your jaw is soup." You nod solemnly. "I'm the noodliest of lovers."
Hadir Karim
You immediately try to whisper something, but it comes out, "Ah did a munch-nom an' now m'chee- chompers be deaded." Hadir is losing it. "You said that like Shakespeare having a stroke." You cry, "They took mah TOOF LANTERNS." He strokes your hair. "Don't worry. We'll make you some glowing ones." "Like ...jacka lanterns but fer snackin'?!" He nods. "Exactly."
Alex Keller
"Alexxxx..." you whine. "Mah yaw -motor's brokeded." He grins." Your what?" "Mah nom nom thingy.Busted." "Your jaw?" "Yuh. Mah snack gate." He chokes. "I'll call the mechanic." "Gimme new hinge... me want... TACO." He's wheezing. "You can't even swallow water." "But I CAN DREAM."
Kate Laswell
She's calm. "You're doing great." "M'foamy inside, Katie...." "That's the drugs." "And you.... you're like ...a sexy pencil." She pauses. "A what?" "Cuz you write... wiff yur... beautiful brain." She sighs, holding your hand. "I'm never letting you live this down." "Don' tell no one..." "Already sent it to Price."
Vladimir Makarov
You hiss, "DID YOU PUT SLEEP GHOSTS IN MY BLOOD?!" He
smirks. "Of course. I'm evil, remember?" "I WANNA KISS YOU, BUT MAH FACE IS A SWAMP." "I love your swamp," he coos. "Can't even tongue the soulbond," you wail. He snorts. "You'll tongue me later." "Is... is that a threat or a promise?" "Yes."
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