ever since i was little, summer belonged to iran.
we travelled to other countries during other holidays, but every summer, without question, we went back. at first, i acted like i hated it. maybe part of me even believed that. but deep down, i loved the tradition of escaping structured, quiet germany and returning to a place where loneliness did not follow me everywhere. the warmth and love of my family in iran were always greater than anything waiting for me here.
when my grandparents died, they left behind a space that was never filled again. iran never felt exactly the same after them, but we continued going every year. eventually, my longing became so strong that once a year was no longer enough, and i started going twice.
during the last few years, i could feel something changing. there was more anger in people, more exhaustion, more frustration. the warmth was still there, but it carried a heaviness it did not have when i was a child.
then i got engaged last year and somehow everything changed again. being there with my fiancés family made iran feel a little like it used to. for a moment, i recognised the feeling i had known as a child.
now i dream about nothing more than seeing my family again.
when i tell people that i want to return to iran, especially other iranians, they think i am naive. maybe they are right. i understand why they say it. but there is the hunger inside of me to get on the next plane and go home.
i want to smell the streets of tehran again. i want to stand where my grandparents house used to be, even though they tore it down. i want to find out where the street cat i loved has gone. i want to buy the strangest flavours of crisps and ice cream from the supermarket nearby. i want to taste my aunts cooking and disappear into my uncle’s arms.
this summer, i am carrying an unbearable amount of longing and anger.
longing for everything i love.
and anger because i know iran will never feel the way it did to eight-year-old termeh again.
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