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i cant do it

im deleting my blog at the end of the month.

im sorry i...can’t stay here. if i make a new account it’ll be under a new identity and a new name and everything. im moving my sideblogs to other people im...

im just sorry.

characterdiagnosis

Bojack Horseman has (BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder

I decided to kickstart this blog by dissecting one of my favorite characters, Bojack Horseman. Although Bojack does fit the criteria for other mental illness, such as Major Depressive Disorder and Alcoholism, I stand firm on a final diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m going to explain my decision using evidence from the show and diagnostic criteria summarized from the DSM-5, the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the U.S.

In it’s most simple definition, BPD is an issue of emotional dysregulation, and although it may share similarities with Bipolar Disorder, they are not one in the same. BPD is estimated to affect up to 5.9% of the population. Not only are their emotions much more intense than the average person’s, the level of emotion is often disproportionate to the event. These emotions are so overwhelming they may render the individual afraid and powerless, or cause erratic, dysfunctional behavior. Five or more of the following criteria could indicate a potential diagnosis for borderline personality disorder.

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Fear of abandonment is often partnered with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual. This can result in sabotage of other relationships, punishment in the form of retribution (“I’ll leave you before you leave me” or “I’ll cheat on you before you cheat on me”); jealous fits of rage, emotional withdrawal, and self-harm (including suicide attempts). The individual may even accuse the person of being unfaithful or of loving other people in an unbalanced or inappropriate way.

This kind of behavior is evident in season one, when Bojack gets Todd addicted to video games so he must stay reliant on Bojack. The sad part is that he has such low self-esteem that he believes the only way people will stay with him is through concerted efforts of control and manipulation. At their core, people suffering with BPD feel worthless and alone.

“In a vain effort to appeal to Diane, BoJack takes her suggestion and helps Todd develop his rock opera. When BoJack realizes that Todd’s inevitable success will lead to him moving out, BJ pays off a couple different people to help him get Todd hooked on that video game that had previously ruined his life. All because BoJack can’t stand the notion of possibly being alone, and the only way to ensure that doesn’t happen, was to make sure Todd’s rock opera was unsuccessful.” - Youareposthuman [Reddit]

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

“Either you end up hurting someone, or they hurt you.”

Relationships are incredibly difficult to manage, even for the average person. For someone with BPD, a relationship can become a minefield of unhealed trauma. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t something that comes naturally to many, but it is especially difficult for those suffering from BPD. From the beginning, Bojack’s on again/off again relationship with Princess Carolyn illustrates his inability to open up or commit emotionally. She describes Bojack as a “self-pitying masochist.” He knows in his heart of hearts that him and Princess Carolyn have always been a relationship of convenience, with both of them coming together mainly out of fear of being alone.

“It’s so sad that when you know someone for who they are, it ruins them.”

Bojack Horseman also begins a relationship with his publicist, Ana Spanakopita, which he describes as “complicated.” Although they have sex and she controls nearly every aspect of his life, Bojack knows next to nothing about her. When she refuses to divulge information, Bojack decides to follow her home, an obvious invasion of privacy. He thought he had something real with her, but he just projected his own feelings onto her at a time when he needed comfort. The crux of their relationship is about control and power.

Bojack liked Charlotte because he was in a dark place. Charlotte was both mentally and physically outside of the LA bubble. He needed to escape from the “tar pit”. She was also someone from his past; a happier time. He did have a genuine connection with Charlotte but it was a long time ago, before he was famous, and he’s been clinging on to it ever since.

Wanda is one of the few people who remembers Bojack with any sense of fondness. One of the major reasons he liked her was because she didn’t know about his bad traits. They break up after he threatens to auto-erotically asphyxiate himself if she doesn’t confess her love for him.

Diane and Bojack have a friendship framed by Bojack’s jealousy and intense dislike for Mr. Peanutbutter. They meet when Diane is assigned to ghost write his biography. Because it is her job to get to know the real Bojack, he quickly develops strong feelings for her. From early on in season one we know that Bojack is in love with her, as suggested by Princess Carolyn and Mr. Peanutbutter on numerous occasions.

Bojack also has a corrupted relationship with his mother and his ex-best friend, Herb.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self

Who are you? Most people are familiar with identity disturbances, having experienced at least one themselves, usually during adolescence. People with borderline personality disorder experience identity disturbance and need for people to like and approve of them.

Bojack is constantly unsure about his own skills, personality traits, and moral compass. In the first episode of the show when he “finds out” Princess Carolyn has other clients he asks her, “What other clients? Are they more talented than me?” His self-esteem teeters between inflated and nonexistent. Because Bojack does not know how to validate himself, he seeks external validation from others in order to reaffirm his identity.

In season 2, episode 2, Bojack decides that adopting an upbeat attitude will change his life. Issues with Bojack’s identity surface in his obsession with watching old episodes of Horsin’ Around. When he agrees to let Sarah Lynn live with him in the very same episode, he does so under the misguided idea that it will make him feel less alone and fix his problems - like it works on Horsin’ Around. He proceeds to spend the episode behaving like he’s on an episode of Horsin’ Around, including a total change of demeanor. Todd explains to him that this isn’t a TV show, this is real life, but Bojack refuses to see outside of his delusions.

More horse than a man, or more man than a horse?

At the end of season 3, Bojack watches a herd of horses running across the open plains. This brings us full circle to the ending theme song which has lyrics that read:

It’s been so long

I don’t think I’m gonna last

I guess I’ll just try

And make you understand

That I’m more horse than a man

Or I’m more man than a horse

This can be interpreted one of two ways. The first suggests that Bojack must make the choice between being a man and a coward - given that horses naturally flee from perceived danger. At one point Bojack even confesses, “I’ve been running my entire life.” He is coming to a crossroads where he must decide if he will continue to run from his problems or face them head on.

The interpretation that I subscribe to is a bit more literal. Rather than a metaphor for cowardice, Bojack is wondering if his unhappiness comes him living the life of a man, rather than what comes naturally - being a horse. His crippling childhood never allowed him to internalize any ideas about worth and self-image, so he instead relies on more “measurable” external factors like talent, wealth, or relationships.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

Bojack easily fits all the types of listed self-damaging behaviors, as evidenced below. He’s been known to modify his body, abuse drugs/alcohol, spend and drive recklessly, behave sexually inappropriate, and binge eat.

Spending: We know immediately that he is prone to throwing parties and spending tons of money to make them a hit. Even though he explicitly tells Todd he won’t buy a cotton candy machine (because he can’t control himself around them) he buys one anyway.

Sex is often used as a tool in Bojack’s self-destruction. A prime example of this is when Bojack has sex with Todd’s girlfriend, a move he knows would destroy Todd and effectively ruin his relationship with Bojack. Even worse, in “Escape From L.A.” Bojack nearly sleeps with Charlotte’s daughter, Penny, then seventeen years old. He thought he might be able to have something with Penny, but that was just a failed attempt to replicate what he previously had with Charlotte. All ambiguity is gone by the end of season 3, as BoJack explicitly states he intended to sleep with Penny, even if he wishes that he was better than that.

Substance abuse (alcoholism) becomes clear in the first episode of the show, but it is reinforced time and time again. After Diane gets engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter, Bojack goes on a two week bender and ends up on Princess Carolyn’s front lawn. A “bender” is the status of being bent for more than a day. Usually results in loss of memory, money, strange tattoos, and other things you’ll have a hell of a time explaining. The most apparent example of this is during season 3, episode 3, when Bojack and Sarah Lynn take a ton of drugs and try to make amends.

Reckless driving is merely the backdrop to their downward spiral. They drink and drive, on top of ingesting a variety of drugs.

Binge eating is one of the newly recognized eating disorders. Most of us have done it at least once or twice. However, it can become a serious problem when someone has recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food. This “binge” is usually accompanied by feelings of shame and guilt, or a loss of control.

We are introduced to this behavior in the first episode of the show, when Bojack breaks up with Princess Carolyn and eats nine baskets of bread. Afterward in the car, he asks Princess Carolyn if she thinks he looks chubby. When Bojack finishes telling the story to Todd, he’s still focused on intense feelings of guilt over prospective weight gain and concern about his body image, while simultaneously inferring he just ate an entire pizza.

The food is often eaten very quickly, for reasons related to stress, and usually to the point of discomfort, or even pain. In the same episode Bojack admits to standing in a corner alone, eating cotton candy to the point of puking at Todd’s last party. (This comes full back around by the end of the episode, where he is shown doing the exact same thing.)

This behavior recurs again and again, such as in season 2 episode 2 when Bojack buys muffins just to prove a point and then eats all of them on the ride home. In the third season, he belches again after raiding Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter’s fridge. These episodes of gluttony can be seen as yet more failed attempts to handle his inner turmoil resulting in his appearing inconsiderate and repulsive to others.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Having BPD often makes suicide look like a good solution when it’s not. This suicidality can appear at different times, in different ways, and for drastically different reasons. For example, some may use suicide and/or self-harm as an “escape rope” from chronic overwhelming emotions, while others may threaten suicide and/or self-harm as a means to exert control or manipulate others.

“So if you don’t mind, as long as you don’t love me, I’m going to step into this noose.”

In season 2, episode 2, Bojack casually threatens to auto-erotic asphyxiate himself in order to make Wanda admit she loves him. While it is hard to say whether or not Bojack was serious, this behavior is not uncommon among people with borderline personality disorder. Suicidal gestures and threats are often used as a way to exert control when an individual feels powerless or overwhelmed by emotions. The desire for control is not necessarily malicious in nature. The person threatening or attempting the behavior almost always feels a genuine sense of desperation.

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

In the first episode, Bojack has what a doctor later describes as a “minor anxiety attack” when he finds himself thinking that maybe he is “just a washed up has-been.” The panic attack is so bad he ends up in the hospital. When Princess Carolyn suggests Bojack call the ghostwriter because the book deal is stressing him he responds, “You want me to call this woman on the phone?” and proceeds to have another anxiety attack.

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

Imagine being full of empty. Bored. All the time. People with BPD feel an acute sense of nothingness that diminishes their worth outside of relationships with others. This feeling can be turned inward and result in self-loathing, panic attacks, self-harm, etc.

Bojack dissociates pretty regularly - disconnecting almost entirely from his environment, and at times, his emotions. The opening of the show includes Bojack’s bust, superimposed over different scenes. His face is sad, eyes empty and lifeless. He appears totally indifferent and unresponsive.

He is also shown having flashbacks during bouts of dissociation, such as Diane points out in season 1, episode 2 when she asks him about his childhood. “You just sat here for five minutes in silence and then said, ‘Uneventful.’”

Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat me like a big joke. You think I don’t notice? Why don’t you like me?

BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter.

Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.

BoJack: Because I’m jealous.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh. Of what? Diane?

BoJack: No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn’t for you? You’re a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?

BoJack: I want to feel good about myself. The way you do. And I don’t know how. I don’t know if I can. I’m sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Bojack experiences intense anger in both big and small ways. Small events like a stray curly fry being among their normal fries is enough to set him off, or receiving repeated calls from an unknown number.

Other Borderline Behaviors:

Oversharing is the act of prematurely revealing personal information. This behavior can occur for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it can be used as a “test.” If the person responds nonjudgmentally, they have passed, assuring the Borderline that it is safe to get to know them. Other reasons for this behavior include few boundaries, a desire for instant intimacy, impulsivity, and a compulsion to confess their “sins.”

In the second episode of season 1, after only just meeting Diane at the party, he confides in her that he uses horse tranquilizers recreationally, and that he just takes a small does to help him sleep at night, and a much, much larger dose to get him through the day. When Diane reads this back to him from an email, he is visibly embarrassed.

“You ruined me Bojack.” A Childhood of Chronic Invalidation, Neglect, & Abuse

Borderline personality disorder develops due to a combination of genetic predisposition and life experiences (nature and nurture.) Still, most people that experience trauma, chronic invalidation, and neglect, do not usually develop borderline personality disorder. However, most people with borderline personality disorder have experienced a childhood full of chronic invalidation.

Emotional invalidation is when a person’s thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. Children who are regularly invalidated by their parents which learn to distrust their emotions, a precursor to BPD. Despite the chronic invalidation and abuse revealed via Bojack’s memories, he describes his childhood as “normal” (”Bojack Hates the Troops”) This is because Bojack, like many people in the real world, does not realize what constitutes as abuse, especially from his parents.

When he gives his father a father’s day card, his father criticizes him for taking the easy way out and not trying his best. He also slaps him hard in the face when he answers “wrong.” This type of abuse goes on and on, such as his father making him build his own tree house before tearing it down. His mother is equally as abusive in different ways, utilizing gaslighting and other methods.

Bojack begins showing signs of depression in early childhood. In “Yesterdayland,” he sends a letter into a television show that reads:

I am a good kid and I like to play, and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not get sad?

His parents walk in while Bojack is watching TV and fight in earshot, yelling loudly and smashing dishware. His mother soon enters the room, angry and critical. She explains to her young son that before he was born, she was beautiful. She tells him to make up for all the damage he’s done, he better grow up to be something great. This plants the seed of Bojack’s deep-rooted need for perfectionism.

In “Stop the Presses,” Bojack maintains that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, he just wants control over his own life. Many people with BPD don’t get the help they deserve due to a lack of knowledge or stigma surrounding mental health issues. Bojack Horseman is one of them. Don’t be like Bojack Horseman. If you relate to some or most of these listed criteria, get your brainhead checked by a real professional.

#bojack #bojack horseman #bpd #borderline personality disorder #character study

taking a long break.

I hate this platform right now. I honestly do. There’s the chance that I won’t be coming back. I’m sorry.

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thepleasuregoblin

fantasy RPG game where the different fantasy races have different gender selections. humans got your like 2-3 choices, dwarves just have the one (dwarf), got like bug people that makes you pick drone, worker, or soldier, elves pick from 14 colors, mushroom people just says "input a number between 1 and 27,000"

Reconsidering.

I might...delete my blog. Or at the very least, rebrand. There are a select few on the platform that have been harassing me and I’m not in the right headspace to...deal with it. Please. For the love of god just stop. I’m afraid they won’t stop the harassment and the anon messages unless I either completely get off the platform or make an entirely new blog. Every time I fuck up they just...don’t stop. Every time.

#op post