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Toby

& for a moment I pause,

Your organ calls louder than any other’s.

I stare iridescently,

Straight through wells.

Familiar, you think,

But I do not define you.

I am a personification of your pain,

I am all you have seen.

You don’t know me,

Not even a bit.

The skies are are too far down,

You’ll never make it to the iceberg’s tip.

I won’t let you.

I won’t.

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?

I am but naught in your presence,

A scraggly moth drawn to a faux flame.

You watch my form, testing.

I know I cannot escape you, no matter how fast I run.

I will always be what you see, never once the person within.

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The lesser choice.

So much I long to say, yet I am a coward.

I cannot voice my love, nor my regret.

You are my father, you have cared for me since existence.

I’m sorry I do this to you, sorry for treating you this way.

I wish I was better.

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?

In moments of silence,

You stand louder than any other.

I feel your absence each second,

It’s salt on the wound.

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?

To hate you is a torture,

To miss you is worse.

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Torn by many, protected by you.

Donned a non-believer,

I have changed my ways.

I found a new way of life,

A new time to live.

I start to see what is ahead,

For you are testing me.

Your patience stuns thousands,

& your kindness betters many.

I was lost,

Blind & alone in the dark.

But as you’ve removed my blindfold, I see.

You were holding a single lit candle,

Right in front of my face,

Ready to guide me.

Thank you, for this garden of solitude,

For these moments of peace.

For the way I see the world & those around me,

For living.

Thank you for blessing me with this soul,

Torn by many, protected by you.

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For you, I forget.

A scatterment of your metamorphosis,

All inches of my blurring sight.

I call for you,

For help,

It’s no use.

Eventually my voice will deplete,

As will my hope.

The dreams upon their pedestals will fall,

Leaving nothing but a harrowing emptiness.

I know not what I am,

But what I fear to be.

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Thank you, a million times more.

Maybe life was made for me.

I want to live, I’m starting to realise.

I want to experience everything,

The bliss of a true love,

The sadness of a loss,

The struggle that is being human.

I no longer feel conned,

Nor do I feel punished.

The tide will come back towards me,

& in it I will see moments of my life.

I will sit back,

& smile.

For I am alive,

& I think that is beautiful.

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calm

A breath, for being.

A thought, for knowing.

A belief, for faith.

A moment, for love.

A memory, for life.

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A beat too long.

I’ve always thought I’d die young,

Bracing myself for the final beat of my chest.

However, the years are passing,

& I’m starting to see through the fogged glass ahead.

No moment pauses, no organism stops

As I make the revelation of a lifetime.

It’s a lot easier to breathe when you’re not holding your breath.

I think to myself,

& the world carries on.

Life doesn’t stop for me,

It runs wild & alive.

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Blinded by a glass eye.

I pray you learnt to smile.

The rain has stopped,

Yet the clouds are persisting.

I pray you learnt to look in the mirror,

& see the truth.

Not to be blinded by dreams & expectations,

But to be blessed with you.

I do not understand myself,

Yet you seem as clear as the days are grey.

You loved me,

& I threw you aside.

You were everything,

Yet I was too blind to see.

You, were too blind.

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A thought, a second.

Is this cruelty,

Denying you life?

Is this mercy,

Granting you peace?

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What I owe you.

I write not of sense,

But of urges.

I write what I feel, & why I feel it.

I pour my soul into your cup,

For you to drink.

Replenish yourself, my love.

I am yours to take.

I owe that to you.

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The day won’t ever come

If I knew you now,

I know I’d change my mind.

I’d smile & hug you,

I’d hold you so dearly.

I’d be soaring,

Far beyond the thin bounds of my imagination.

You’d be my reason.

& with that,

Comes the greatest gift of all.

Peace.

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Pointless apologies

I’m sorry my babies.

Sorry for tearing away what I have.

Sorry for ruining your lives so prematurely.

Sorry for being your mother.

Sorry for being the burning pain on your cheek,

The granite weight on your back.

I’m sorry for everything.

Everything that has happened,

& that is to come.

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?

With a thought,

You are born.

& with a realisation,

You have died.

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Nights in the mirror

I do not speak.

I do not have a name.

I have no face.

I stand, soaking in petrol.

A burning flame, held up in front of myself.

My eyes have faded,

Bones broken apart,

Vocal cords torn out.

Yet I know to reach out to the flame.

I have nothing,

Yet I know how to ruin myself.

I am a master, in the art.