BlackHand951 @b1ack-hand951-blog - Tumblr Blog

College Professor who knows their stuff and is well versed and up to date on their material: Hello today we’ll be talking abo-

White Guy who sits at the front of the class, and talks either at the speed of sound or the speed of a snail: ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF- [derails the lecture by 20 minutes because hes an Intellectual]

horrorgay

A sequel

drafthearse

the year is 2039. i step outside my tenement in order to catch the TeslaBus shuttle that ferries me to my Amazon fulfillment center job. the chip in my hand beeps, reminding me to drink my SkinnyGurlLivin™ meal shake before the window for optimal nutrient absorption passes. it tastes like astroturf but i can feel my bowels rioting in response, so i know it must be working to help me be my best self. on my way to the shuttle stop ten blocks away i pass twelve holo-adverts of fast food gijinka mascots. the Burger King hologram has hamburger buns for breasts and attempts to seduce me, flashing her panties and following me for a full block until her holo-tether reaches the end of its broadcasting field and she blinks out of existence. “dude, you know you crave those burgs like i crave the sweet release of death, asdfghkld” are her last words. i dont know how she said a keysmash out loud. when she disappears i am briefly saddened by the abrupt feeling that once again, i am alone. her brightly colored buxom form may have been nothing but an illusion, but it was the only humanoid interaction i have had this morning. the heel of my vegan leather boot suddenly catches on a sidewalk crack and peels off from the sole. i sigh. that’s the third pair of boots i’ve had to buy this month. now limping awkwardly, i pull out my AmazonPhone Ozymandias and place another order for boots. finally i am at the TeslaBus stop. twenty five of us huddle under the heat lamp for warmth. the sides of the shelter are screens broadcasting advertisements for the new PowyrWomyn Labial Lipstick. “nothing makes me feel like i have rights more than applying Melon Pink to my nether region to make the boys go craaaaazy” the spokesmodel says. “men love empowered pussies.” the screen shifts to a newsreel and everyone at the shuttle stop immediately begins to zone out. “we’re very proud of the brave work our Freedom Drones are doing out on the battlefield. support your robo-troops today.” i can’t remember what battlefield the newsman is referring to. there are so many wars right now, it’s hard to keep track. after an hour, the TeslaBus finally arrives. this is actually pretty good time. usually it’s two hours. we all scramble to get onto the shuttle, pushing and shoving and clawing at each other. the Amazon Center only has so many available jobs per day, so we have to literally battle each other for the right to work there. with minimal damage (only a bloody nose and a small bite on my forearm) i manage to secure a seat near the front of the TeslaBus. an older woman eyes me, and i bare my teeth and hiss at her to signify that i am young, virile, and will defend my prime seat to the death. she drops her gaze. satisfied, i carefully crack open the tiny strongbox that houses my Model XVII AirPods. each one is the size and shape of a grain of rice. the audio quality is terrible, but it’s a long commute, and if i am unable to drown out the moans and groans of my fellow prospective Amazon workers, i may succumb to Shuttle Fever and attempt to throw myself out a window.

trapcard

LONG SWORD GLOCK BAT TASER

enjistier

I had to do it

randomslasher

I’m really glad you did it instead of me because I straight up would’ve made the 3rd person Batman

teathattast

bless

cybereihino-deactivated-deactiv

Only tik tok video that’s valid

somecutething

catsbeaversandducks

“Oh, for me?? THANK YOU!”

drtanner

Christ, I fucking love dogs.

autistickeely

Let 2019 be the year people:

Stop using the r word.

Stop insulting autistic people.

Stop comparing autism to cancer and other diseases.

killowave

diarrheaworldstarhiphop

this is literally chuck norris jokes for zoomers

i cant believe it

dankmemeuniversity

thyrell

why are there 5,000 people on this site holding back from doing something with literally zero repercussions for anyone in a world that will never remember the chances you didn’t take? don’t waste your time on this earth live your life slap some rice

june-egbert-official

Hi my job is literally to reset the shelves and honestly?? Slap that rice. Slap it good. patting down the bags makes it easier to stack more, which means when I have to do it it’ll be flatter and more settled and more likely that I can just slide it along without it slidin’ around. You are doing me a FAVOR by slapping that rice.

thyrell

rice man approves