TO BE OVERWHELMED: to load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything:
The term "overwhelmed" is so often used in everyday language. A person can feel overwhelmed by work, by family, by situations... by thoughts. When truly is a person so consumed with this feeling that they can't function?
My father was emotionally abusive. My last relationship was emotionally abusive. When I sat down for the first time with my therapist, within 15 minutes she looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I'd realized yet that I've spent over two decades dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship. To hear her say that to me, I can't describe the emotions that went through me, but one that stands out to me is embarrassment. Embarrassment that I felt like I could never tell anyone that, that they wouldn't take me seriously. Embarrassment that that makes me sound like a victim instead of owning up to my mistakes. Embarrassment that perhaps she was right, that the problems I now have aren't my fault, that they were due to the actions of others.
Emotional abuse is characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
The worse part of all of it is how messed up I now feel. Being emotionally abused has ruined my being. When someone nit-picks something I do, I feel worthless. When someone mentions a trait I show that they don't love, I try to remold myself. When someone doesn't get back to me, I feel like I'm being given the silent treatment for something I did wrong. Something I said wrong. Growing up being emotionally abused has ruined me. It's taken a part of me that I didn't realize was gone until recently.
When I turned 23, something inside my heart finally broke. For years, I locked everything in a box, an internal box that only I had the key to. Something that no one could get to, that no one could use against me, that wouldn't let me hurt. The box opened, mostly due to starting therapy, and the world around me crumbled. Everything became overwhelming. Everything became consuming.
People tell me I'm pretty. All I see is ugly. People tell me I'm smart. All I see is I was never good enough. People tell me I've done great things. All I see is my father's disappointment. People tell me I'm kind. All I see is getting shut out. The worst part was falling into a relationship that reflected my life. Truly breaking me to the point where I don't know if I'll ever believe good things about myself.
The good part is I'm not a victim. I will never use being emotionally abused as an excuse to not live. I'll work hard to be the best I can be. I'll remember to be as kind to others as I can, because I don't know what they're going through. I'll work hard to overcome all the thoughts in my head telling me I'm nothing, that I'll never be someone's first choice, that I'll never make someone proud. I plan to work as hard as I can to find the person that I truly am and to open my heart to a love that I haven't experienced.
Having a beautiful heart is all I've ever wanted, and I can't wait to see it in myself.
titsay
romaincrisis
vaporwave
stormborns
