Learning To Love @back-tothe-moon - Tumblr Blog

Hi Li! Long time since I’ve messaged, miss you as always ❤️❤️

I’m very excited about the Hobi fic but let’s talk about the JK seven days a week for second please. Like imagine they start fucking only once a week but because of how pent up he is he just can’t stop himself when they do get time together. So most of the time it becomes an overstimulation scene for the MC and she’s always reduced to tears by the end of it

Maybe I’m off track 😅 love you though darling

The thing is I have too much hornyness and not enough time (i wrote 6k of a new au this morning but I greatly fear everyone will hate everything I write)

I also do want him marveling over how pretty her pussy is all pink from the constant friction, all puffy and swollen, and he can’t even touch it without her cumming but he just can’t stop

back-tothe-moon

Exactlyyyyy!!!!! Li I would literally pay to have access to your documents I want to read every thing you’ve ever had. Like I’ve been around since before BILY and you’ve never disappointed give us anything 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

11/10 9:32 am

What I’m trying to say is that I want to be loved.

I want someone to wake up next to me in the mornings and their first thought to be about me. How they also love me and that I’m their person. I want someone that wants to see the world and uncover the people in that world. I want someone who wants the same things that I do. That they want me and look at me and feel the same desire low in their gut.

Maybe it’s just my seasonal depression but it's gotten stronger. And instead of seeking out the pwp I’m looking for aftercare and signs of actual love even if it only exists deep on the internet and swirling in my brain.

It sucks to have such a want for this relationship when I’ve never had any other kind of relationship. Because who wants to be someone's first and only. And I don’t even think I want that. I don’t want to be with the same person for my whole life. I want to experience different things and the odds that one person is gonna be it for me are slim to none.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I consider dropping out and just becoming a cam baby or sugar baby. I just want to feel like someone else desires me. And even if it’s some stranger on the internet, maybe that’s all I’ll be able to get. It feels as if I will never truly get to feel someone else and it scares me.

#love #relationships #slightly nsfw #college #ramblings #teen #writing

11/5 9:45 am

I haven’t written in a long time. I think it's because I’ve been more into reading recently. But exclusively just internet stuff. I haven’t read a physical book in months, even though I cycle out the one in my backpack to fit my taste for the month. A lot has happened and sometimes I feel perfectly ok and grounded to where I am, but then sometimes I just feel a spike of terror and anxiety. Like my heart starts beating like crazy and I begin to look for a door to escape through. But where would I go? Where is my body driving me? I’m in bed. My dog is curled close to my legs under the covers and she’s warm. So warm it’s a struggle to force her to go out in the morning, but I have to take her out. It’s my responsibility even if she doesn’t like it and it's 20 degrees out. I thought these feelings would stop once I had her back with me. Maybe it’s the fics I’m reading getting to me. Sometimes they get that kind of influential hold on me and I start to have issues drawing the line between the angst and what’s actually happening to me.

I think it might partially be the fact that I am no longer platonically lonely and so now that I have that issue fixed I’m beginning to be romantically lonely. It’s hard though. Because I want to fall in love so badly, but no one in college wants to nurture a person in a first time relationship.

Erin’s out of class. I'll be back after coffee.

#writing #ramblings #life #love #relationships #teen #college

8/26 11:18 am

I think I want to fall in love. Maybe I just want to feel that magic feeling of another person wanting to be around me and touching me. As aforementioned I’ve never been in a relationship. I wonder a lot if I’m ugly. I don’t think I am. Maybe I have on rose colored glasses. People always say I’m pretty and that I look mature for my age. But I also get told I look like I’m 12, so what’s the truth?

I’m old enough to date and I’m old enough to make decisions like that for myself. I just am too anxious to get rejected. Like the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory asks that guy in her Literature class out and then she later overheard him talking bad about another girl but she thinks it’s about her. Also how the fuck did she like never go more than like a month without a boyfriend, it just seems unfair and unlikely. Like all the girl does is read old books, she doesn’t even read the relevant books for her time. Like Twilight and Harry Potter were in their hay day, girl put some flavor in your life.

Back to relationships though. I find myself wishing that I had someone, anyone that it felt like would just hold me. And kiss me. I got very used to my friends being single and not having to hear about other people’s relationships, but in college most people are in multiple year relationships and it makes me have that ever yearning desire for a relationship.

I’ve gone to one party in the three weeks I’ve been on campus and ended up spending the whole night supervising my friend in a relationship and a guy that was hopelessly infatuated by her. He literally has continued to follow her around since then, even though she told him she’s in a relationship. Also I just want to state I’m not mad at my friend cause I had to watch her and it’s definitely not her fault that the guy was attracted to her. I am just frustrated by the fact that I am lonely.

I was hoping to maybe be able to find someone in one of my classes or at band and really nothing has arisen. I think I’ve opened up at least during band camp and I feel as if I’m not as RBF or scared deer looking as I was at band camp, so it’s just frustrating. I think the lack of talk in my classes is from the fact that I’m obviously still covid conscious and I wear my mask constantly when inside.

I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I present myself well, even if I don’t do my makeup everyday. I still feel put together because sometimes it just feels like a win to put on a bra. I’ve been working on myself and my emotions and life for years because I felt like that was a priority. And now that I’m here there’s no options. And its major frustrating cause I spent the last four years with a twin sister and obviously the human brain automatically goes looking for similarities and differences between us. It’s never been that big of a deal I guess because we look like complete opposites, but my sister has always had at least one guy in the very odd phase of she thinks he’s just a super good friend when in actuality they’re trying to escape the friend zone. And when I would try to say something to her about it she would vehemently argue against me.

At this point I just don’t know what else to say. I just know that I’m lonely and frustrated and I want to be loved.

#writing #ramblings #love #relationships #teen #college #life #contemplation

jaemtens

210919 ◇ sticker (mark lee)

#mark #nct 127 #nct #mark lee #sticker #blue hair

8/11

When you’re alone you think a lot. When your surrounded by people but no friends, you think a lot.

The hardest part about making friends is that I seem to want them too desperately and no one my age is really looking. They all seem to find their people in high school, and I did I just lost a lot of them.

Schooling online really sucks when everyone else is in person. It’s almost like people forget about you once they can’t see you. But it’s also not that because we talked all the time when everyone was on line. I don’t know what it is then. I weirdly think about my friends all the time. I worry that they think I’m annoying, clingy, awkward. I worry that they only hang out with me because they feel bad or it’s the whole have to be friends with both twins. Do I just look so pitiful and sad that they can’t help, but feel bad? I was sitting by myself eating and someone came up to me just to say they felt bad I was eating alone and that I looked sad. It honestly just made me feel worse.

I’ve been worried that I would spend my college years hiding in my dorm with no friends. I’ve been trying to be as active with the school as possible. I went with a guard girl and her friends to a block party. I had a good time, but I also could tell the deep divide between high school friends and college friends. I can’t blame her either because I understand that she has great relationships with them and that it’s easier to fall into the groove with people you already feel safe with. It just hurts me because I don’t have that safety and sometimes I feel alone. I feel like I’m drowning in loneliness and the fact that I need someone to hold my hand in order to make friends.

How do I think I’m going to survive like this?

Am I going to?

#life #ramblings #notes #writing #friends #depression #anxiety #loneliness #journaling

7/22

I’ve been in a relationship once. I don’t know if it was love, it probably wasn’t. I was freshly 16 and my brother's girlfriend at the time was one of my best friends. One time she happened to post about me on her story and this guy swiped up. Thinking back I don’t exactly know what made me so extroverted but I told her to give him my number.

We started texting and talking constantly. At the time I was still very particular about shutting my phone completely off during every period, a practice implemented in middle school, but I continued to do it because I promised my mom I would stay off of it during class. This changed when we started texting. I began to text a bit more in between books instead of my usual task of reading. We talked about anything and everything. At the time he was constantly fighting with his parents, so I was always there to console him. I do remember chanting to myself that I should urge him to go to a counselor and to not let his problems absorb my life. I had seen girls in Tv shows become consumed with their partners and let their lives be overtaken and I refused to fall into that trope. I was also still a semi-early sleeper, going to bed at 11 instead of the 2 am that this boy seemed to favor, but I let him keep me up on the phone every night talking about his work shift as he walked home.

It was probably only 4 weeks of talking before we planned to meet in person, but to us it felt like more. We planned for him to ride with my brother's girlfriend to a football game one friday night, but the night of he texted me and told me he couldn’t make it anymore. My friends consoled me, and I remember being a little sad, but I wasn’t heartbroken. I think that’s how I know it wasn’t love? Maybe I’m just trying to psychoanalyze myself.

He ended up surprising me and gave me flowers and I was so very happy. We took photos and I remember hugging him so tight and setting the photo as my wallpaper immediately. Modern day locket, I guess. It was great and I think I was happy, but I just… can’t remember. Like I remember more now as I’m typing this, but the memories still just kinda elicit a mixture of sweet first time ‘talking’ to a guy and the sharp sting of anxiety. I think that might just be hindsight talking though, as of course I have never called him my first boyfriend or my first kiss.

No, we never made it really past that talking stage.

I think it might’ve been the next week or the one after that that he sent me the text “I want to show you something but you can’t tell ** I showed you.” Now for me that set off my anxiety, I knew this was going to be something that would upset me, but I also knew I would never be able to move on with my life knowing this conversation was left unsettled. So I told him I wouldn’t get mad and that he could tell me anything. He sent me multiple screenshots. They showed me texts between my brother and **. They were discussing our relationship. Saying that they thought I was too young for a relationship and I was just using *** to test it out but our relationship definitely wasn’t going anywhere.

I remember this next feeling. I was hurt. My heart was shaking and I was shaking, but my head was pounding. The dinner I had just ate was making its way up. I was sobbing, for this was true heartbreak. Proof that my brother, who was one of my best friends and looked out for me in life, was talking shit about me to my friend and ***.

I don’t remember where I came from but I was soon in the living room yelling and crying telling my brother that I knew what he said about me and that I hated him. My mom and sister were confused, but soon after reading my phone- which I still clutched in my palm- they were caught up. I remember he knew he messed up. And he tried desperately to get me to talk to him, but I stayed buried next to my mother for the rest of the night. And the next morning I refused to talk to him. I don’t remember how we ended up making up, but we did.

The boy called me multiple times that night and the following days. He left a voicemail which I only recently deleted from my phone. I ended up telling him that they must’ve been right and that I felt as if I would never fully be able to get our relationship to anything more than a friendship after what happened. I never heard from him again. And the girlfriend, well when she broke up with my brother she took my best friend and since then I’ve heard from them once asking for money.

Since then no one has so much as told me I look pretty or asked for my number. I think that even if they did I’d be so wracked with anxiety I’d block them. It’s not that I don’t want to be in any type of romance because I so very much do. It’s that my anxiety has made it even hard to make or even maintain friendships, and people tend to pass me by, as if I am about as interesting as the paint on a bedroom wall. Maybe it’s all a matter of finding myself or breaking out of the safe nook I’ve formed in my small town. I don’t know and I’m sure you can’t tell me.

#relationship #writings #ramblings #personal #anxiety #college #teenager #love #first love #romance

7-6

When does a nurse look at a person and say they can no longer live like this? That might mean a change of living space or medicines or maybe it truly is the end. I’ve watched as a person I knew has gone from living with slight discomfort in their own how to living in my home with 24 hr care a day and sleeping most of that time. When is it going to get to the point where my mother can no longer supply the medical care she was trained to do over 20 years ago? Is she ever going to be able to recognize that point or since this is family it’s not going to set off that alarm bell for her?

From my point of view growing up as the child of a healthcare professional your parent is either constantly leans into any pain or discomfort their child has or ignores it. I started struggling during middle school with feelings of depression and loneliness but my mom continued to push it away claiming that the drama of the girls around me wasn’t a serious issue and I was just being a girl. Later, the summer before I started high school my mother came to a musical outfit check with me. She had gone to goodwill to pick up what she thought fit the guidelines, but we forgot where we lived. While we didn’t see any reason to go out and buy new clothes in the downtown area all the other girls did because they had well to do parents and the extra money to spend on something they would wear maybe six times. I was kinda laughed at by the others girls and I remember feeling sick. So sick that I had to sit down in a changing room. I also remember the way my mom changed her thoughts about my health and I can see her face kinda wide eyed but looking straight at me and only me. I didn’t cry even though I wanted to. I changed out of the clothes, hushed my mother when she tried to talk to me, and we left. I could tell she felt like she embarrassed me, but I didn’t think that. She was doing her best to connect to me as hard as I’m sure that was. It wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t her fault. It was the fault of no one, but those who judged me and made me feel like that. This wasn’t a new incident for me it’s just the one that ended up tipping the scale for my mother.

The next spring I began going to weekly therapy, as with the promotion to high school I began experiencing extreme anxiety. I was in my government class and I would hope so hard that I wouldn’t get called on and I would count the amount of seats before my teacher would get to me so I could prepare some sort of answer at all. I ended up doing pretty decent in the class, but I remember that I was truly drowning in the class and that my teacher new it. I think the fact that I would almost cry every time she said my name gave away how I felt. By the spring she began to skip over me when calling names and I was able to relax and actually pay attention to the curriculum, but the first semester and it’s content will forever be lost on me.

To get back to the therapy though, even though it was good for me it made me more stressed. I would start an argument every week 30 minutes before because the idea of going somewhere and not spending my time working on school work made me go bonkers. And the entire time I would sit in the office I would worry that what if I was just feeling what everyone else felt and that I was wasting everyone’s time. What if I said something wrong? And even when I could tell my therapist something important I couldn’t find all of the words to describe everything just right. Now four years and another therapist later I need it more than ever, but as I was getting somewhat comfortable she’s gone on maternity leave. And I just can’t motivate myself enough to contact any replacements. At least now I know that I truly have something wrong. In April my prescription ran out and I went without for three weeks. I can truly say I’ve never felt worse. I would cry constantly over everything and I found it to be extremely hard to even text people.

I don’t know who I’m typing this out for. I just know that I’ve wanted to write to someone.

#july #ramblings #personal